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[Karnewarrior]

Just what it says on the tin. Now, normally I would try to control it and say

THOU SHALT BEGIN WITH CAVEMEN!

But the hell with that, it's not going to work, and you know someone's going to pull out Napoleon right after Caesar gets his ass shanked by Brutus. So, yeah, that's not going to happen.


What I do want is for you to follow four simple rules.
1: Keep it brief.
--We need as few technical terms as possible. This is supposed to be fun, not school.
--Cursing is allowed, but don't overuse it. try to keep it PG13.
2: Keep it real. Ish.
--At no point did Teddy Roosevelt get in a gunfight with Chuck Norris. No matter how totally awesome that would be.
--Exceptions can be made for tiny details, when only changed for a joke. Washington fought the entire revolution high? Alright!
3: Keep it clean
--Let's not get too dirty with this, Eh? We don't need to hear the details on the making of Molly Hatchet, nor the love-lives of other random historical figures.
4: Keep it unique
--No copies!
 
   

Example: Honest Abe

   

The top hat was a fashion choice.

     
  Alright, so during the 1800's there was some serious business going down. We were dealing with a big boom in industry, and there was a bit of a dynamic. But some cat's were shaking that up, and lot's of bubbles started showing up. Things were about to pop.
 
  See, the south would grow the cotton and some other things because they had the ground for it. There were great big plantations the size of Oprah and they'd grow cotton, tobbacco, and probably a bit of weed.
 
  The north would by the stuff in markets and in the latter case, back-alleys. They'd take the cotton, make shirts, and sell it back to the south. This was how they rolled. Life was pretty damn good. For rich people, mostly, but it was better for poor people too.
 
Now, up in the north, they didn't work out in the farms all day. There were more free blacks up there too. So they had more time to think about philosophy. So they decided to make a law to make slavery damn hard to do.
 
This pissed the South off. They needed the slaves to work the cotton fields and make the crap they shipped to the North. Plus, they weren't all too much in favor of Abraham Lincoln, who won the election by way of the north having way more people. So they got pissy and threw their own damn revolution.
 
: Wait, what?!
: You heard me. We're leavin' the United States.
:Wait, What?!
:We're leavin' the-
:Wait, what?!
 : You see this? This is a middle finger. I'm raising it, and pointing it in your direction.                                                       :We're leaving.           
  :Wait, what?!   
 
  After that little episode, Lincoln continued to march down into the south and take the fight to them. There was alot of bloodshed, and brothers stabbing brothers. Lot's of bad shit went down because the south didn't want to give up on slavery, but eventually Lincoln prevailed. 
 
   Yes I'm skipping the gettysburg address. No I will not go back. Yes I'm serious. You see this? This is my middle finger. I'm raising it and pointing it in your direction.
 
I belive there will be more history below. Go read that. I can't type anymore anyways.

[sonerohi]

Teddy Roosevelt was a codename rather than a single person

I mean honestly. Look at all the shit he did. Rough riders, and President, and getting shot, and everything Teddy? I'm guessing a coalition of rugged, portly gentlemen hell bent on making the world five to seven times more badass.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Andrew "Kill You" Jackson

What can you say about a man who got in hundreds of duels, even once he was President? Most duels were just for show, with both contestants missing intentionally to show that they were willing to die for their position. Not Jackson duels. You were a dead man if you challanged Jackson to a duel. The one time his opponent shot first was when Jackson allowed it to be sure he could kill him on the return shot, despite being shot near the heart because of this stratagy. Jackson really wanted that man dead. Plus, Jackson was the only President who's secret service detail had to save a man trying to assassinate the President from the President, as when the attempt was carried out Jackson began to beat his would-be killer to death with walking cane. He'd have smashed his skull in were it not for the swift takedown by the secret service to ensure the man would stand trial and not be killed by Jackson in the middle of a presidental ball.

[Heron TSG]

The Epic of Gilgamesh

So there was this rapist who made friends with a hairy dude, and he wanted to live forever. So he went and found wood by killing a giant, and then killed a diseased bull with his bare hands. The hairy dude was smote by the gods, so the rapist went to the edge of the earth to find some weed, and he found it in the ocean. A snake ate the weed, and the rapist dies at the end.

[Duuvian]

Dammit, I know this thread isn't serious but I want to correct it so much..

must resis... Great Britain was actually the largest producer of cotton goods before the Civil War, and thus was the largest purchaser of Southern Cotton. This meant the Southern States' greatest hope for winning a long-term war in which they were outclassed in both industry and population was intervention by Europe (namely England) in the early years of the war. The common reason I've read that the war lasted as long as it did was due to incompetent commanders on the Union side in the early war, as Richmond (the capital of the Confederates) was easily reachable with extremely limited opposition at certain points, yet the Union commanders usually chose to error on the side of caution. In one case General Mcclellan (who later was Lincolns Democratic opponent in the war-time presidential election) had 120,000 troops against (if I remember correctly) 20,000 rebels; yet refused to advance for several months due to inflated enemy troop reports by the Pinkerton spy agency, who claimed there were another 100,000 rebels in entrenched positions between him and Richmond. This gave the Confederate commander (I want to say Jubal Early but I might be wrong) plenty of time to railroad troops into position.

[Enzo]

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan, born 1162, was a Mongol warlord famous for his ambitious campaign of conquest, spanning a greater portion of the continent of Asia. His military successes were based significantly on his tactical utilization of horse-mounted archers, he used to throw them at opposing armies. He is also well-known for the routine massacre of conquered settlements. He did this because he was the first to discover that eating someones heart allowed you to gain their courage, after eating his mother at 6-months of age. He is estimated to have eaten at least 130,000 hearts by the time of his death.

It is also notable that every woman in every village conquered was impregnated by Genghis Khan personally, with a 100% success rate, as well as some of the men. Genghis Khan is widely reported to be the Y-chromosome ancestor of more than 8% of oriental asia. This is a misconception. He is the Y-chromosome ancestor of 100% of the Asia and a large percentage of both Europe and Africa. The statistical confusion is due to the often overlooked fact that Genghis Khan could spontaneously generate new Y-chromosomes through sheer force of manliness.

Genghis Khan is widely believed to be deceased, but some noteworthy historians are still entertaining the possibility that he is simply biding his time.

[Nikov]

I realized, a little late, that I was supposed to keep it brief, clean and avoid profanity. But how else can I talk about...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

REDACTED

Because I just got unmuted and probably shouldn't use some of those words yet. Your loss though.

[ChairmanPoo]

The Epic of Gilgamesh

So there was this rapist who made friends with a hairy dude, and he wanted to live forever. So he went and found wood by killing a giant, and then killed a diseased bull with his bare hands. The hairy dude was smote by the gods, so the rapist went to the edge of the earth to find some weed, and he found it in the ocean. A snake ate the weed, and the rapist dies at the end.

But who was immortal snake?!?!

[KaguroDraven]

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan, born 1162, was a Mongol warlord famous for his ambitious campaign of conquest, spanning a greater portion of the continent of Asia. His military successes were based significantly on his tactical utilization of horse-mounted archers, he used to throw them at opposing armies. He is also well-known for the routine massacre of conquered settlements. He did this because he was the first to discover that eating someones heart allowed you to gain their courage, after eating his mother at 6-months of age. He is estimated to have eaten at least 130,000 hearts by the time of his death.

It is also notable that every woman in every village conquered was impregnated by Genghis Khan personally, with a 100% success rate, as well as some of the men. Genghis Khan is widely reported to be the Y-chromosome ancestor of more than 8% of oriental asia. This is a misconception. He is the Y-chromosome ancestor of 100% of the Asia and a large percentage of both Europe and Africa. The statistical confusion is due to the often overlooked fact that Genghis Khan could spontaneously generate new Y-chromosomes through sheer force of manliness.

Genghis Khan is widely believed to be deceased, but some noteworthy historians are still entertaining the possibility that he is simply biding his time.

May I expand on this for my own fun?

[Enzo]

Yeah go nuts.