Just what it says on the tin. Now, normally I would try to control it and say
THOU SHALT BEGIN WITH CAVEMEN!But the hell with that, it's not going to work, and you know someone's going to pull out Napoleon right after Caesar gets his ass shanked by Brutus. So, yeah, that's not going to happen.
What I do want is for you to follow four simple rules.
1: Keep it brief.
--We need as few technical terms as possible. This is supposed to be fun, not school.
--Cursing is allowed, but don't overuse it. try to keep it PG13.
2: Keep it real. Ish.
--At no point did Teddy Roosevelt get in a gunfight with Chuck Norris. No matter how totally awesome that would be.--Exceptions can be made for tiny details, when only changed for a joke. Washington fought the entire revolution high? Alright!
3: Keep it clean
--Let's not get too dirty with this, Eh? We don't need to hear the details on the making of Molly Hatchet, nor the love-lives of other random historical figures.
4: Keep it unique
--No copies! Example: Honest Abe
The top hat was a fashion choice.
Alright, so during the 1800's there was some serious business going down. We were dealing with a big boom in industry, and there was a bit of a dynamic. But some cat's were shaking that up, and lot's of bubbles started showing up. Things were about to pop.
See, the south would grow the cotton and some other things because they had the ground for it. There were great big plantations the size of Oprah and they'd grow cotton, tobbacco, and probably a bit of weed.
The north would by the stuff in markets and in the latter case, back-alleys. They'd take the cotton, make shirts, and sell it back to the south. This was how they rolled. Life was pretty damn good. For rich people, mostly, but it was better for poor people too.
Now, up in the north, they didn't work out in the farms all day. There were more free blacks up there too. So they had more time to think about philosophy. So they decided to make a law to make slavery damn hard to do.
This pissed the South off. They needed the slaves to work the cotton fields and make the crap they shipped to the North. Plus, they weren't all too much in favor of Abraham Lincoln, who won the election by way of the north having way more people. So they got pissy and threw their own damn revolution.
: Wait, what?!
: You heard me. We're leavin' the United States.
:Wait, What?!
:We're leavin' the-
:Wait, what?!
: You see this? This is a middle finger. I'm raising it, and pointing it in your direction.
:We're leaving.
:Wait, what?!
After that little episode, Lincoln continued to march down into the south and take the fight to them. There was alot of bloodshed, and brothers stabbing brothers. Lot's of bad shit went down because the south didn't want to give up on slavery, but eventually Lincoln prevailed.
Yes I'm skipping the gettysburg address. No I will not go back. Yes I'm serious. You see this? This is my middle finger. I'm raising it and pointing it in your direction.
I belive there will be more history below. Go read that. I can't type anymore anyways.