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[Sappho]

I've found myself in an odd situation and I want to check if I understand it correctly (autism, etc.). I had to go to a language fair conference thing a week ago for work. I went with a coworker I barely know, and I didn't know anyone else there. I don't do well with a lot of people around, or with extended verbal conversations -- and there was a speaker right next to my ear blaring loud music the whole time. I was not a happy camper. So when things were really dead and my coworker suggested I go check out another table, I decided to give it a try.

There were two Hungarian guys there teaching Czech people bits of their language. Well, one guy was teaching, the other was just sort of hanging out. Both spoke excellent English. There was a chat, then a period of time where I tried really hard to look like I was still engaged in the conversation, then I made an excuse and politely left. It was a pleasant enough conversation, intellectual stuff, nothing really personal. I just can't handle face-to-face contact for so long.

The other guy, the one who was just hanging out, kept coming by my table and asking about my magazine. He didn't ask my name or offer his. He seemed like he was vaguely interested, but mostly just bored and looking for something to occupy his attention. He certainly didn't seem happy or overly friendly (not that I'm an expert, but he didn't smile). He asked what I do at the magazine, and I answered generally. At the end, when we were starting to pack up, he asked me which articles I had written, and I pointed a couple out. It occurred to me as I did this that he was probably trying to learn my name, though I don't know why he wouldn't just ask (and introduce himself). I suppose it could be some cultural difference, but they had both been living in this country for a long time.

The next day, I got an email from that guy. It was a "hello, we met at the conference" followed by an unusual question about what language I would like to learn if I could learn one quickly. I thought about answering it, but I decided to put it off. Then, today, it finally occurred to me to wonder how he got my email address at all. It's nowhere in the magazine. So he must have taken my name from the articles I wrote, Googled it, and found my email that way. I'm pretty sure I didn't give it to anyone -- certainly not my personal address. I have one I use for work, but even that isn't published anywhere.

Now, it's not unusual to search for someone's email, but he didn't even mention it. Just hi, I'm (name) from the conference Friday. What language would you like to learn...

I don't mind having a virtual conversation with someone about language. Could even be interesting. But it just seems strange to me. So I guess that's my question. Is this actually unusual? Should I answer his email, or just ignore it? He doesn't leave in my area or even my city, so there doesn't seem to be much risk of running into him again. What are you guys' thoughts?

[Shakerag]

Um hmm.  Hard to say from my perspective. 

Could be that the guy really has the hots for you and is really trying to make contact with you before you wander out of his life for good, or he could be a creepy stalker. 

Although, if he said something like "what language would you like to learn" that almost sounds like a sales pitch starting too.  :-/

So, um, yeah.  Could be a number of different possibilities? 

[LordBucket]

What are you guys' thoughts?

It's possible he might be a salesman. His question reminds me a little bit of Pimsleur language course advertisements.

[uber pye]

Well he did a creepy thing. No reason not to answer his email though, just be careful.

[Sappho]

I don't think he's selling anything. I already know he's an English teacher. He was dressed like a lazy student at this thing, nothing professional about him. And thinking back over the questions he asked me at the conference thing, they seemed to be sort of geared towards getting to know me rather than anything to do with language.

For the record, I have zero interest in romantic relationships. It takes all the social energy I have just to maintain work-related friendships, and I find it exhausting constantly having to make it clear to thick-headed men that I'm not interested and they should leave me alone (something many men apparently take as "playing hard to get").

I just went back and re-read the email. He writes what his name is, then says he wanted to make sure I got home okay from the conference. Then he asks what language I'd want to learn if I could learn one really fast, like in three days. Strange email.

I don't like that it's possible to google my email. I know where it is, too -- my teaching job posts all the teachers' names and email addresses on the school web site, so the parents can contact us. I've already had several people contact me who I didn't want to find me, and I did once have a stalker who I *really* don't want to find me. I suppose I could get a different email address for the school site, and have it forwarded to my main account. That might be best, though it wouldn't solve the problem of people being able to contact me by googling my full name. : / I wonder if I could persuade my boss to change my name on the site, remove the last name...

[gimlet]

Whenever I hear "guy (lots of effort) girl" my first assumption is "guy (wants to bump uglies with) girl".  Or, yeah, it's possible the guy may just be networking like a maniac, or trying to sell stuff.  But I know guys, and even if it's #2 or #3, it's still probably "network and hey maybe there's a chance of some ugly bumpin too!"

I dunno, kind of mixed signals if he didn't give any other hint of physical interest...

[LordBucket]

I have run into situations where cultural expectations are sufficiently different that misunderstandings about this sort of thing can occur. I've no idea what Hungarian social norms are. It's possible he thinks his behavior is completely ordinary. Or it's possible he's trying to get laid. Or sell something.

I suppose my question is, Sappho: do you care? Assume for a moment that he no ulterior motives. Maybe he's just socially awkward, or his cultural norms are different and what he's done is completely normal somewhere.  Even then, would you want to be email buddies and talk with the guy? Because if not, then his intentions don't really matter. You're under no obligation to respond regardless of his intent. What do you want to do?

[Darkmere]

Yeah, he could just be a complete idiot when it comes to relationships. I've done things this stupid and backwards before. If you have garbage self-esteem it's easier to fake a conversation about nothing and try to fish for a connection than actually being straightforward and confident. Also talking about nothing and showing no interest is zero-risk when you're face to face with someone and feel trapped in a risky conversation. From his perspective, if he had actually tried to signal interest and you rejected him, he'd have felt terrible and awkward for the rest of the day, so he played it safe.

I read it like he's kind of a slob who's down on himself and looking for a connection somewhere. If I were you I'd just block the guy and delete the email, then forget about it.

[LordBucket]

Come to think of it, if he is socially clueless and lacking confidence, it might be beneficial all around to simply and politely confront him and explain that suddenly emailing you despite you never having given him your email is somewhat stalkerish. Then explain a way to go about things that would be more comfortable for you.

This way, not only do you help with with him self esteem issues because he's not left wondering for weeks whether he's just been stealth-rejected for reasons he doesn't understand, you also possibly help him approach the next girl in a manner that's less likely to scare her.

Likely he'll take that response and attempt to further pursue you, because you're talking to him. To which you can explain that no, you're going to break off contact, but that you wanted him to at least know why so that he can avoid the same mistakes with the next girl he talks to.

Then treat yourself to a cookie for helping to promote healthy gender communication.

Cookie --> *

[Darkmere]

(@ LordBucket: I'm not arguing against your viewpoint or saying your solution is inherently invalid, merely trying to clarify my position from the other point of view)

If I'm right, Bucket's suggestion wouldn't be a good way to respond. If the guy is really reaching for something like that from a total stranger and going to stalker lengths for it, rewarding that behavior by talking to him just shows him that the approach works and got you to reply, regardless of the message you reply with*.

If I'm wrong, Bucket's original suggestion is spot on: Would you want to associate with the guy anyway, if he had no ulterior motive? I'd guess no, since you didn't exchange contact information in the first place. In either case, I still recommend against accepting contact either way.



*

Spoiler: Explanation from the other point of view (click to show/hide)

It's easy for someone with well-adjusted coping mechanisms or some personality types to assume logic will immediately disarm and improve emotional hangups. It won't. If he is in the emotional state that I'm guessing he is (his dress, actions, and behavior seem to indicate low self-image and/or minor depression), the emotional responses to your actions would be:

Contacting him stating you aren't interested. But I did get a stranger to talk to me. Maybe she'll change her mind if she just gets to know me as a friend first. I should keep in touch.

Breaking off contact and giving him advice. But she cared enough to try and help me. Did i screw it up somehow? If did maybe I would have had a chance some other way. That was stupid and I deserve to be alone.

As opposed to no contact:

Well, I guess I never had a chance anyway. Whatever. And he moves on.

Don't get me wrong, someone should help him out with that kinda stalkery stuff in either case, but it's not your responsibility to try and guess about this complete stranger's motivations or state of mind.

[Parsely]

Only read the OP: sounds like he's interested in you and just has no idea how to talk to girls.

[Sappho]

Aha! I got an answer. Turns out my coworker knows this guy. She said he's strange, but harmless, and that yes, he was probably hitting on me. If I am not interested, I should probably just ignore his email (as I have done). So I'm glad that's sorted out then. I'm so used to being the socially inept one, it's strange when someone else does something inappropriate. I never know whether to trust my instincts or not (since they're so often wrong on these things).