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Author Topic: Fun with Bloodlust: The Twisted Tale of the Demoness Adventurer (interactive!)  (Read 1640 times)

Languidiir

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Ongoing adventure log. Liberties will be taken for plot convenience, but most events will be accurate. I'll write more if you like it!

EDIT: This story is now open to reader interaction! Check out the second post if you're interested.
EDIT2: I made the font 12-pt because it's much more agreeable to the eyes. Plus, that's MLA format!


Quote
First Journal Entry. 9 Malachite 1009

   I am Amon Cocutol.
   If you're familiar with the old language, you might be a little off-put by a name like "swallow-years," but I won't take any years off of your life. Yet.
   That's because... I'm not a demon. At the moment. I won't go into the gritty details, but I was sent to this mortal plane as a punishment for a particularly nasty misdeed. It has to be pretty nasty for even demons to cast you out, so I'll let your imagination run wild with that one.
   My task is to establish myself in this world. I have to say, I've made a good start. Despite having to inhabit a... rather disgusting human body for a while, my skills are still intact. I'm not bad, if I do say so myself. Not demon-level good, but not human-level bad, either. Once I bring the humans to their knees, or at least do something suitably amusing to the council down in Tartarus, I'll return to the demon realm. It's not even an interesting punishment, really.
   I've found myself in this world with a bronze two-handed sword and an equally bronze shield, and not much else. Though I will say that I find the hammerhead shark leather outfit to be quite form-fitting and attractive. Good taste, for human attire. In any case, allow me to recount the events up to this point.
   It's the year 1006 in the mortal realm. Not that that means much to me... I never did understand human timekeeping. I found myself stealthily materialized in some mind-blowingly dreary human town, so incredibly boring that I didn't bother to learn the name, so I won't record it here. Knowing the protocol for this kind of thing, I went to the nearest ridiculously ugly mud-and-straw dwelling. There was a reflective pond nearby, and I have to say, I haven't lost much of my good looks. The shark-skin getup is a nice touch, and while it's not exactly its usual beautiful scarlet, I'm definitely relieved that my skin is brown, at the very least. It contrasts quite nicely with my light "almond-milk" hair.
   Ah, but yes, the humans. I could already smell their stench from halfway across the field as I approached the hut. I'll cut this part short, but all that's important is that I opened the hovel door to find at least TWENTY of those things packed in there, crawling all over each other and wallowing in filth. Humans, that is. Trying to find a polite way to cover my nose, I shot a few quick questions at the most important-looking one in my best attempt at speaking Common, and he pointed me towards a town to the northwest. It's called Agemerchants, a dreary husk of a town sucked dry by who-knows-how-many resident vampires.
   Everything was eerily quiet and RIDICULOUSLY drab. I proceeded briskly through the town, trying not to look too hard at the unthinkably ugly, run-down architecture. The place was clearly deserted. But what I know about vampires is that they have a thing for status, so I made my way toward the biggest-looking of the awful, primitive attempts at shelter, which I suppose I'm meant to believe is a fortress.
   No guards. I found my way inside easily, and made my way to the keep. It's pretty much a honey-pot for lords and vampires, the two main types of blood-suckers in the human realm. I made my way past the echoing foyer with its gaudy, rainbow-colored statues and up the stairs, and that's when I saw him.
   A goblin. Just standing there. Right in the middle of this human keep. It was laughable, really. He wasn't even trying to hide himself.
   He seemed to have his scrawny chest in a constant state of puffed-outness, and he was wearing what I assume he thought a law-bringer's outfit was supposed to look like. I could hardly keep myself from giggling as I approached him.
   "Ho, adventurer!" he called out in his nasally little voice. "What brings you to the keep?"
   I stood there for a good thirty seconds, and if I still had my tail, it would have been swaying in sheer glee as I tried to formulate a response to this ridiculous creature.
   I couldn't really think of anything good, though, and he was still staring at me, so I settled for something a bit blunt.
   "Are you a vampire?"
   I suppose those were the magic words. His eyes immediately glowed red, and he bared his fangs. Wow. An out-of-place goblin law-bringer is a vampire in this vampire-ridden town. I'm completely shocked. You have no idea.
   He shouted his name at me, but I was so completely uninterested by it that I've forgotten it already. Something like "Goblin McGrabtrousers," or whatever "undercover" goblins call themselves these days.
   He drew his lame little dagger, and the fight was on. I have to say, he was a jumpy little guy. Jump, jump, jump. The echoes of his ill-fitting armor clanked and rattled as he hopped ludicrously around the room. I jabbed and slashed at him, looking for an opening on his tiny, stocky little body, and he put up what was admittedly a pretty good fight. My unbearably stupid bronze sword swung heavily around him, occasionally being turned aside by his dagger. Of course, he never hit me. He wasn't very good at fighting, for such a "fearsome" vampire, and his clumsy dagger-thrusts were laughably simple to avoid.
   It didn't take me long to notice that he was just wearing sandals. After getting a grazing blow in on his chest on one of his more predictable jumping arcs, I took advantage of his windedness to strike. The next time he put one foot down to hop pointlessly to the left again, I quickly spun my unwieldy sword around and brought it down heavily right on his ugly little foot.
   He screeched in pain as I tore it right open, and I have to say, his blood was exciting me to no end. I may have gotten a bit of a giddy grin on my face as I watched it gush out onto the floor.
   Surprisingly, the little guy was still pretty flighty. He was a lot slower now, trying to hop on his other foot and screeching whenever he landed on the rapidly-becoming-useless one. It took me a while to realize that his dodging was actually taking him toward the stairs. The little guy was trying to run away before we were even done!
   Ah, but the blood is a little bit of a weakness of mine, and I simply had to see more of his. With his foot the way it was, it was a pretty trivial matter to slide over to the stairwell like I was taking home plate and put myself squarely between him and the exit. The look of panic on his face was exquisite. Simply gorgeous. Using the momentum from my slide, I came up with a low-level slash, and there was a wonderful CRUNCH as the bones in his already-wounded leg shattered like fine china. He went down like a ton of bricks, or in his case, about 20 pounds of bricks. After that, he had no fight left in him at all. Not that he'd even so much as grazed me yet.
   Predictably, as the humans say, I "went to town" on him. I can't imagine how my smile must have looked when I brought my sword down hard on his wounded leg, chopping it off completely and making it fly away in an elegant arc. The vampire had clearly gone soft, sitting smugly in his position of power while he drained the vermin of the town, and he'd forgotten what it was to face a real opponent. He looked up at me with an expression of absolute terror, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I absolutely lost it, I'm afraid. He made a half-hearted attempt at dodging by rolling away, and the CLANG of my bronze sword on the marble floor must have been audible for miles around. I suppose it startled him, because he gave me the perfect opening to swing my instrument directly at his puny little wrist.
   I have to say, it went through the weak bone like a knife through butter.
   He screeched more than he ever had before, looking in horror at the gushing stump of his right hand, still pitifully gripping his worthless knife a few feet away on the floor.
   That was all I needed.
   I took advantage of his lovely, lovely terror to plunge the huge sword directly into his stupid, pathetic little chest. He looked up at me as the blood bubbled up around my sword, and the expression on his revolting face was simply marvelous. The last thing he saw must have been my wildly grinning face as I ripped the sword out of him, spraying myself with his blood. I'm rather satisfied with that.
   He fell sideways with a silly little "thump," his precious blood, the most beautiful thing about him, accumulating in a spreading puddle on the floor. Sublime. I licked my sword a little, holding my blushing face in my hand as I admired my masterwork. I have to say, he looks better than ever now.
   Ah, and that's where I am. His chilled corpse is still laying on the floor next to me. I would've started writing earlier, but I didn't have any blood yet, so now is the perfect opportunity. Ahahaha, and I seem to have gone a little overboard with the details of his slaughter, but it was such a satisfying and priceless moment that I simply couldn't help myself. Onto more serious matters, however. That is, my plan.
   Vampires seem to be abound in this place, and slaughtering them is even more satisfying than slaughtering the spineless humans they prey on. Squashing these little leeches will get me praise as a "hero" of the humans, and they'll be none the wiser... heeheehee. It's a good plan. That way, I can train this frail human body into something approaching an acceptable level of power, and claim dominion over these vermin. Surely, that will be entertaining enough for the council.
   It will certainly be entertaining enough for me!

<3,

Amon
« Last Edit: May 31, 2013, 03:01:54 pm by Languidiir »
Logged
A young man said, "Damn,
It is borne upon me that I am
   A creature that moves
   In predestinate grooves
Not even a bus, but a tram."

Languidiir

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From this entry on, I've decided it would be fun to accept some reader interaction in the form of interference from the Demonic Council. Their only motivation is amusement, so whatever twistedly humorous tasks or stipulations you want to send to poor Amon, go right ahead.
These can be things like "eat twelve fish a day," "you must collect the legs of wolves," "go be friends with a small child," anything you like. They can also be general harrassment and strange letters from the demons of Tartarus, Council or not. Spam mail, strange requests, whatever. I just thought it might be fun!

If you feel like it, post your letter in reply and I'll dump it on Amon's face for when she wakes up.

Quote
Second Journal Entry, 10 Malachite 1006

   I don't know how long I spent clambering around that awful labyrinth of a town. The signs of depopulation hung from every brick of twisted architecture, all the houses and shops of the once-prosperous town little more than empty husks. Quite dull, I assure you. The town is also unreasonably hilly, with streets that curve up and down, and even entrances to buildings hidden in potentially deadly potholes. It was as if someone had just taken a big wastebin full of rubbish and shaken it upside down over a particularly ugly landscape, and a bunch of vermin had unwittingly moved in.
   I found neither hide nor hair of the vampire I was tracking, only misguided merchants who for some reason had not fled their decaying shops. One such shop was "The Happy Hydra," the vibrant green of its sign clashing with its dreary, long-dead surroundings. It looked better maintained than the rest of the sordid town, and the name was surprisingly good for something of human design. It billed itself as a "Food Imports" store, and since all I had was a bit of fish, I decided to go in.
   The inside was decidedly less well-kept than the facade. Every available surface was stacked with bags and bags of rather exotic-smelling foods, and in the middle of it all was a pathetic, elderly human with thick spectacles. He introduced himself as Lorem Mysterypapers--I couldn't decide if that name was completely dreadful or a stroke of genius-- and he was the town's finest purveyor of exotic foods. He was the town's only purveyor of exotic foods, I told him, seeing as everyone else bit a fair amount of dust quite some time ago. He didn't seem to mind. He was mostly staring at a point decidedly below my face, but my impulse to jam a sword into his eye was interrupted by something else.
   "What is that strange smell?" I asked him as faux-nicely as I could. I'm not sure how well I succeeded at that. Indeed, though, I'd begun to notice a faint, awful stench mixed in with the exotic spices and strange dishes in his piles and piles of bags.
   "Oh, that? That's just the Cave of Filth."
   I paused for a moment.
   "Just to be clear, we're NOT talking about any part of your body, correct?"
   "No, no, no. It's what we call the sewers around here."
   "You call your sewers 'The Cave of Filth?'"
   "Mmmhmmm." I don't think he'd ever made eye contact with me once. His gaze was still fixed about one head lower. "It's a cave, and it's fulla filth. Pretty descriptive name."
   "Why does it smell so bad? Is it backed up?"
   "Beats me. I don't want to go down there. Do you?"
   "...Take me to it."
   I had some vague idea of searching the sewers for my vampire, but what intrigued me more was that the faint smell intermingling with the overbearing spices in the room was somewhat familiar...
   He opened the creaky door to his strange establishment, leading me out into the winding, crumbling streets. He struck up conversation as we walked, as humans loathe silence.
   "It's a real shame everyone's been moving out. I'm too old to move my store, y'see..."
   "About that. Why are all of your wares just piled up all over the place?" I was vaguely curious.
   "Gehehehehe." A gross old-man laugh. "That's my mistake. I ordered a biiig shipment when business was still boomin'... and then when it got to me, business suddenly stopped boomin'. Couldn't really tell ya why."
   "Vampires, old man." I sniffed the air. "Vampires."
   As we entered a slightly different looking awful slum, the miasma grew stronger. The old man didn't seem to mind, and a wave of nostalgia washed over me as I was finally able to place it.
   "Ah. Carrion...~" I must have sounded a little more enthusiastic than I intended, because he gave me a strange look. Just then, he stopped walking.
   "Mhm. Here it is. The Cave of Filth." He gestured to a strange little staircase, embedded right next to a dilapidated house. "Are you sure you wanna go down in there?"
   "Yes, yes. Good work. Now scamper off, please."
   "Adventurers are so reckless. Look at you, lovely young lady, such a supple body, descendin' right into the filthiest place in town. It's a real shame. Well, just come holler at me if you need anything."
   My sword missed his head by about half a centimeter.
   He didn't seem to notice, and kept ambling back down the road toward his store. What utter garbage.
   I wasted no time in taking the stone stairs, my nautilus-bone sandals making a resounding CLACK on each step. I looked down at myself reflectively. Judging from my appearance, with the shark-leather get-up and intricate sandals, I must be from some kind of islander culture. Or at least, this body must be. Don't ask me what the Council does in their free time. In any case, it's rather charming.
   Ah, but of course, the Cave of Filth. It was everything I'd ever dreamed of. This seemed to have been the central hive for the city's unwanted population; amphibian men and women, reptile men and women, all sorts of mutants and undesirables were strewn about. On the floor, that is. They were all dead. The smell of decay filled the air, and I already felt as if I were at home. This was clearly the perfect place for me to set up my temporary residence. The dark, winding halls, the corpse-strewn floors, the dried blood splattered on every surface, they were all very nostalgic and comforting.
   On second thought, though, I've decided against it. I think I'll stay here for one night, and then find a more suitable residence. The problem is this: staying too long in this place would infuse me with the smell of death, and while I may be able to get away with one days' worth as an adventurer, there's a certain threshold beyond which humans will no longer want to talk to me. That's just how they are.
   So, I'll close here. I've found a perrrrfect little alcove in which to sleep tonight. My only hope is that I don't wake up with a letter from the Council on my face. This task will be so much easier without their interference.

   Hugs and kisses,
      ~Amon
« Last Edit: May 31, 2013, 03:06:33 pm by Languidiir »
Logged
A young man said, "Damn,
It is borne upon me that I am
   A creature that moves
   In predestinate grooves
Not even a bus, but a tram."

The Master

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« Last Edit: May 20, 2013, 09:49:05 pm by The Master »
Logged
Holy jesus I thought I was ready but nothing could have prepared me for this
Hush, little Asea, don't you cry.
If he notices we'll surely die!
You. Made. Asea. CRY.

zubb2

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 :P I barely even like starcraft but that is so bloody funny.

Adding to older references, DO A BARREL ROLL!!
Logged
(Anyone else have any stories that can compare to a man being beaten to death with his own trousers by a giant gopher?)
(when goblins showed up, I mumbled "Smithers! Release the hounds!" and had the lever pulled.)

Languidiir

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Tasks complete!! Sorry about the delay, I'll be able to update much more regularly now. Feel free to send in more tasks, they were very fun to do! I'd love to see what you can come up with!

I made the font 12pt this time because I found it a little hard on the eyes before.

Quote
   
Third Journal Entry, 11 Malachite 1006

Today is not a good day.
   This morning I woke up with two letters on my face. Scarlet, glowing, red-hot with the ink and seal of the Demonic Council. I can't say I'm surprised, but...  why must you go so far out of your way to trifle with me!?
   ...Yes, I am definitely not surprised. This is the Council we speak of, after all. Siiigh.
   So, two letters. Quite simple letters, really, yet deep in their complexity. In deep, deep scarlet lettering that never seemed to truly dry, the first read:
   "YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS."
   The lettering was quite nice, too. I have to compliment the Council's calligraphy. On the other hand, though...
   ...I have no idea what that means.
   But, of course, the Council will not tolerate being ignored. I have to comply. Which means I have to find some way to satisfyingly construct some "pylons." The wording would have me believe that some already exist, but you can never be too sure with the Council.
   And with that, I set out. I will update the journal when my... "tasks" are complete.

   In contrast to the first, the second letter seemed quite simple, if a little lacking in the grammatical department.
   "DO A BARREL ROLL!"
   I can only deduce that this was somehow written, or perhaps dictated, by one of the lower classes in Tartarus. The gargoyles, perhaps, or the Brutes. In any case, it seems quite clear to me.
   A barrel, a barrel. It was quite a task just to locate an establishment in town that had not been abandoned and left to rot, so I couldn't afford to be picky with the shop. It was rather late, so I simply entered the first one I saw without bothering to read the chicken-scratch human language scrawled on the sign.
   Immediately upon setting foot inside, I could tell it was a bone carver's. Why? Because everything, absolutely everything was made out of bone. One would think that a demoness such as myself would be delighted to see these symbols of death strewn all about, but even I must admit that his knick-knacks were something of an eyesore. Even more of an eyesore, though, were the tables he kept them on. Each one was made of a different metal, creating a rather unsettling metallic rainbow. I didn't expect anyone to be in the store, so I simply crossed over to the first barrel I saw; it was encircled with rings of elk bone, and menaced with spikes of elk bone.
   As soon as I went to pick it up, though, I was forced to behold an absolutely ghastly figure leaning against it, snoring hideously. He was quite a short, bald man, in his late thirties or forties, I suppose. His front teeth stuck out like an excessively uncute rabbit and his skin was a pallid gray. Repulsive, but I couldn't get the barrel without dealing with him in some way, so I kicked him.
   "Hu-huh? Whah? Haaahh?" He made a series of incomprehensible noises. "Whozzere? Whadda you want?"
   "Amon Cocutol," I intoned clearly. "I have come to relieve you of this barrel."
   "Eh? Huh? This barrel? This barrel. This barrel..." He seemed to be deep in thought, but I highly doubt this was the case. I suppose he was trying to enter his 'haggling mode,' as he immediately blurted out something ridiculous.
   "This barrel... is priceless! One of a kind! A family heirloom. I can't just give it away, you know?"
   I turned from the screeching, ratlike man to the shoddy barrel with its misshapen spikes, all at different angles, and then turned back.
   "This? This is a family heirloom?"
   "Ohhhh yes. It's, errr... Bonebones, the Bone of Bones! It's very bony! These bones came from a real elk!"
   "I see. Tell me, then, merchant: what WOULD it take to make you part from this... antique?"
   "Five thousand gold." He said it rather flatly. "Or..."
   "Or?" I watched his eyes carefully. Predictably, they wandered quickly downward.
   "Or you could let me give you a little 'hug...'"
   "Aha. Ahaha. Ahahaha." Despite the deadpan nature of my laugh, he saw fit to join in. I smiled and shrugged.
   "Of course. You can hug me all you like, huma- shopkeeper~"
   I welcomed him with open arms, making sure to stand at a particularly luscious angle. Without so much as a second thought, he immediately advanced on me, and struggled to wrap his greasy little arms around my midsection.
   "Ahhhh, woooow! Your skin is so soft... and your chest--"
   I immediately suplexed him into the barrel.

   "Mmmmnnn... Ah! There we go."
   It had taken some effort to get the barrel to the top of the tallest hill in the uneven town. This one was particularly egregious. I swear it had to have been steeper than 45 degrees. Who, exactly, builds a street on such a steep slope without stairs? It's a mystery to me. For my current purpose, however, it suited me just fine.
   It was daylight by now, a surprisingly refreshing high noon. Even I have to admit, the decrepit town has its charm when the sun shines on it just right. In any case, it was perfect weather for the job.
   I opened the lid of the barrel, and smiled widely at its inhabitant.
   "Ready to take a little trip? I'm sure your barrel will survive. It's a family heirloom, after all."
   I'm sure he wanted to answer me, but it must have been quite difficult while bound and gagged. I gave him another smile and delicately replaced the lid.
   "Upsie-daisy..." I went to go tilt the barrel gently onto its side, but I ended up kicking it over rather violently. One of the nastier looking bone spikes snapped off, so I kept it.
   "'Have a nice trip?' 'See you next fall?' 'You're on a roll?' I really can't decide."
   I shrugged. "Oh, well. Bon voyage!"
   With that, I kicked the barrel with as much force as I could muster. I must say, it was quite satisfying watching it rocket through the small town. It got a surprising amount of air on some of the little jumps.
   "Ahahahaha!" I chuckled politely. "Heeee's probably dead. Oh well, his loss."
   I pricked my finger and drew a small pentagram in blood on the letter I'd received. It immediately went up in shrieking blue flame, which is how I know I've completed the task properly. It was quite satisfying. So much so that I may have pumped my fist in the air a little.
   "Alriiight... Barrel: ROLLED!"
   I gave a thumbs-up to no one in particular, and posed dramatically on the hill.
   I do hope no one saw me.

---

   Back to the first letter. "YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS." I was rather perplexed by this instruction. Luckily, however, the bone carver happened to have a personal library, in which was a pocket dictionary of sorts.

py·lon 
Noun
   1. An upright structure that is used for support or navigation, in particular.

   "Ah, I see. Pylons, pylons..."
   The bone carver also happened to have an unexpectedly exquisite taste in peach tea, so I stopped to have some while I considered the definition of "pylon."
   "A navigational marker, hmm? Well..."
   I will freely admit that I was actively considering how to go about the command with as little effort as possible. Just then, I noticed a cabinet full of the bone carver's small knick-knacks. They looked quite ornate, so they were probably his favorite.
   "Ah! Of course. Easy."   This task was quite easy. It ended up being rather beneficial for me, as well, as I no longer had to put any effort into remembering the location of my new dwelling (the bone carver's surprisingly nice house). What did I do, you ask? No, of course not.
   Well, to begin, I figured that proper navigational pylons should be easy to see. To that end, I murdered the bone carver's dog. With the spike from the barrel, no less! I was then easily able to use its blood to draw adorable patterns all over his boring bonecrafts. I used the ichor and various other sticky components of the dog to create a kind of glue, and voila! Instant pylons!
   It really spices up the place to have these bone carvings spread at regular intervals along the street. Puts a spring in my step. I'm feeling unusually happy today just from looking at them! I used them like a trail of breadcrumbs, leading from the bone carver's house to the sewer entrance to the fortress gate.
   I was in a good mood, so I even gave this letter a kiss as I sent it back. Thank you for the task, Demon Council! I feel much better.
   Now, if you'll excuse me. Please don't send me any more.

Please, please don't.
   -Amon Cocutol <3 <3
« Last Edit: May 31, 2013, 02:51:48 pm by Languidiir »
Logged
A young man said, "Damn,
It is borne upon me that I am
   A creature that moves
   In predestinate grooves
Not even a bus, but a tram."

TheFlame52

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I like this. PTW

Mura

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Kill a shark with your bare hands. -The Council
Logged
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

mkmr

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Quote from: Council
Kill a bear with adorable, fluffy creatures.

This is interesting. I wish you luck!  :D
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Languidiir

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Okay, so, uhhh, this one is WAY too long. It ended up being somewhere close to 6 pages in the document. Sorry about that...

Amon went... more than a little overboard with her description of her violent combat, as well, and it's not even very funny, so I've spoilered that section. It's optional reading. All you need to know is that vampires die.

Quote
Fourth Journal Entry, 12 Malachite 1006

   Need I even say it?
   I woke up with two more letters... in my mouth. Disgusting. They could have the common decency to leave them by my bedside, or some such place. At least they tasted refreshingly of blood and soot. They had enough courtesy for that.
   However...
   I feel as though they're trying to kill me, now...

   “KILL A SHARK WITH YOUR BARE HANDS.”

   Is this a joke? Do they really want me to face bloody death so soon? I had expected them to lead me to some form of twisted suicide at some point, but it's only been four days.
   That letter is not a fluke, either. Behold, the second letter.

   “KILL A BEAR WITH ADORABLE, FLUFFY CREATURES.”

   There's no doubt about it, this was written by another High Demoness such as myself. The Council would usually not use such terminology. Could it be someone from a rival house? Or perhaps they're watching me from below, and merely wish to pleasure themselves with my gory death. In either case, this one seems rather ambiguous. Am I to use 'adorable, fluffy creatures' as weapons to fight a bear? Or perhaps, fight a bear who is in possession of adorable, fluffy creatures?
   These will require some thought.

   -   -   -

INTO THE VAMPIRE'S DEN (COMBAT LOG):

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

   -   -   -

   Ah, but having fed the blood of three vampires to my sword, I was now forced to face the reality of the two letters I had received this morning. To clear my head, I visited a nearby fortress on my way back from the shrine. It was rather relaxing. I found that it had been abandoned long ago, probably due to vampire attacks, and that the only inhabitants were an abundance of handsome horses galloping around its bailey. I explored for a while, but the most notable occurrence was that of a horse trying to kick me. I wisely left it alone. Though I did find a very cute hammerhead shark leather skirt to match the rest of my outfit.
   On my way out, I took a moment to watch the storks flying overhead, and felt strangely soothed. The surface world can be rather beautiful, at times.
   Of course, this was all merely a distraction. I refocused myself on my bizarre task.
   Shark. Kill. Bare hands.
   Bear. Kill. Cute creatures.
   How to do this, how to do this...
   I pondered quietly to myself while idly beating one of the white storks to death against the fortress wall.

   -   -   -

   A while later, having had a delicious meal and washed and dried myself, I reclined in the bone carvers' kitchen, toying with the stork skull. I had already solved the first letter. I am sorry to report that I did not actually go and kill a shark with my bare hands, as that would have been both inconvenient and painful. No, the Council is quite simple at times, and I quickly determined a way to convince them of shark death. After all, I was wearing enough shark leather to add up to three dead sharks already, so I merely used one of the letter's more obscure functions to capture my likeness (cute pose included!) and sent it back to them. “I killed two already!” I said. “Just look at my outfit!” Indeed, the hood of my outfit still had some of the shark's teeth, which I found rather charming, and it was also quite convincing. One of the Council members was smart enough to send back a query saying “Didn't we give you shark leather clothes to start with?” but I quickly pointed out that they hadn't given me a skirt, so they shut up. And that was that.
   However, the second letter was a bit more of a problem. They clearly wanted results. This would require a certain degree of finesse.

   -   -   -

   I had absolutely no ideas. I was almost considering actually venturing forth into the forests in search of a real bear to slaughter, but I figured I might as well go and report my successes to someone before throwing myself at certain demise.
   I recalled hearing laughter and activity in one of the districts while passing through, and returned to that place to ferret out the peasants still clinging onto life there. Indeed, peasants they were, as when I quickly found their house and stepped inside, I was confronted with a predictably grungy, run-down environment... save for two things. A shining, flawless golden cabinet, and a masterwork throne to match it.
   Ah. Bandits, then.
   I approached the closest man to me. For once, he was not completely repulsive, but, being a human, he was still highly repulsive. His name was Umci Dabblesplattered; stout, hairy, burly and outdoorsy, with a square face and muscular arms. We became quick friends, or rather he quickly decided that he was friends with me, and he laughed and celebrated when I told him of my victory over the vampires and related the tale of their slaughter to him (albeit heavily edited). I asked him if there was anything further I could do with him, and he directed me south towards what I assume is their capital, to speak with the leader of their civilization.
   “And if you ever need help, lassie,” said the man in his gruff voice. “You just come on down and get me. They don't call me 'The Bear' for nothin'!”
   I paused. It was as If a single, clear bell had rung in my head.
   “Come again? They call you what?”
   “The Bear! I can snap any man's arm in half like a twig, and that's the honest truth.”
   “Aaahhh. Ahahaha. Ahaha. Yes, thank you, The Bear. In fact, there is something you can help me with.”
   “Oh? Really?” His face positively lit up. I can only assume he was attempting to get into my 'good graces' with a suitable display of chivalry.
   “Yes, indeed~!” I said in a voice as sweet as honey. “You just wait here while I fetch something. I'll... reward you greatly.”
   I left him standing there beaming like an idiot. Though, to be fair, I also had quite a wide smile plastered on my face.
   “Now to go catch something suitably adorable.”

   It may interest you to know that adorable woodland creatures are excessively difficult to catch.
   I spent the better part of an hour trying to chase down a particularly cute and chubby white rabbit, and even with my superhuman speed I couldn't manage it. Eventually, I had to nearly brain the blasted thing with an expertly thrown rock. Luckily, it was still mostly functional.
   “Ahhh... this will work just fine.”
   I carried the rabbit back into town, took out my knife, and slit open the tip of my thumb. The brick street was as good a place as any for drawing sigils, and I set to work laying out a complex pentagram. When placed into the center, the concussed rabbit flashed purple momentarily, then perked up. It seemed normal enough.
   “Upsie-daisy. You've got a very important job to do~!” I stroked it behind the ears lovingly, and walked back into the house.
   'The Bear' was waiting for me there, and he immediately got up from his golden throne, where he'd been playing some form of card game with his friend, a rather nondescript and quiet trapper.
   “Welcome back!” he said with a hearty grin, noticing the bunny I carried lovingly in my arms. “Oooohhh, who's this cute little bugger?”
   “This is Beelzebub,” I said, pulling a random name from my memory. “I'm ready to give you your 'reward' for being so kind, but could you just hold him for a second? I just need to go right outside briefly.”
   “Ooohhh, sure, sure!” He kindly, gently took the rabbit into his arms, petting it softly with his warm, dextrous hand. “Well, aren't we a right adorable little rotter? Yes we are!” He didn't notice the light hissing noise.
   I smiled politely and waved at him, stepping outside. Once outside, of course, I ran.

   The explosion could be heard throughout the entire town.

   I would say that the 'Bear' has been rather thoroughly killed with an adorable fluffy creature, wouldn't you?

   I went back to the wreckage later, of course, to retrieve the golden throne and cabinet. They were rather smeared with blood and ash and bits of bone, that sort of thing, but that suited me just fine. It wasn't too hard to haul them over to the bone carvers' residence nearby. They make quite an attractive surface on which to display the skulls of storks!
   So, as I sit here by the happily crackling fireplace eating some very fine stork intestines, I would say that today was immensely satisfying. I completed the tasks given to me... more or less, and I even managed to get something productive done. I am well on my way to establishing myself in this realm, and as soon as I build my reputation as a vampire hunter even further, I will graciously accept the praises of their most esteemed leaders, and hopefully end up taking their place. I have rather given up on pretending that more letters will not be lodged in some orifice by sunrise, but hopefully given my successes the Council will see fit to lessen their severity somewhat.

   Oh, who am I kidding?

      <3,
      -Amon Cocutol
« Last Edit: June 03, 2013, 05:45:40 am by Languidiir »
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A young man said, "Damn,
It is borne upon me that I am
   A creature that moves
   In predestinate grooves
Not even a bus, but a tram."

zubb2

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You must collect 10 wolf livers for the leather tanner.

REWARD
100xp

EDIT:The above was stupid.
You must recruit a companion using the magic words "WOLOLO WOLOLO" and keep them alive AND not alert them to your non humanness.
Enjoy the escort quest, hahahahahahaha!
« Last Edit: June 03, 2013, 02:51:11 pm by zubb2 »
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(Anyone else have any stories that can compare to a man being beaten to death with his own trousers by a giant gopher?)
(when goblins showed up, I mumbled "Smithers! Release the hounds!" and had the lever pulled.)

mkmr

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Quote
I would say that the 'Bear' has been rather thoroughly killed with an adorable fluffy creature, wouldn't you?

That wasn't what I had in my mind... The !!EXPLODING RABBIT!! was hilarious though. I approve! +150xp!
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Languidiir

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Quote
I would say that the 'Bear' has been rather thoroughly killed with an adorable fluffy creature, wouldn't you?

That wasn't what I had in my mind... The !!EXPLODING RABBIT!! was hilarious though. I approve! +150xp!

I just didn't want to go have to find a bear, really.
Logged
A young man said, "Damn,
It is borne upon me that I am
   A creature that moves
   In predestinate grooves
Not even a bus, but a tram."

Languidiir

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Just so you know I'm not totally making things up:



The peasants, complete with gold table and cabinet for whatever reason.



Amon's inventory, stork skull and intestines included.



Isn't she cute? She's even red.

The fortress full of nothing but horses, one of which tried to kill me, was real too. As was the wet hole in the ground where I slew three vampires. Most of the stuff is really happening! Which is what makes it cool.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2013, 02:24:35 am by Languidiir »
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A young man said, "Damn,
It is borne upon me that I am
   A creature that moves
   In predestinate grooves
Not even a bus, but a tram."

Languidiir

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Amon is having a fantastic dream right now.

Logged
A young man said, "Damn,
It is borne upon me that I am
   A creature that moves
   In predestinate grooves
Not even a bus, but a tram."