Problem solved.
Truly, I feel like I should burn down both Dell and those they hire as telephone helpers.
"The Hard Disk isn't read."
"Have you tried inserting the operative system?"
"It doesn't read the disk."
"Have you run the setup?"
"It gives no errors."
"Have you tried inserting the operative system?"
"It doesn't read the disk."
I had this sort of loop conversation with an operator for a while, until I finally caved in and closed the telephone...then did what I thought I'd never do.
I pried open the case and roared at the inner circuitry.
That's when I realized just what the mistake was.
Those god...those id...those bas...those F...
YOU HAVE FOUR FRIGGING SLOTS TO PLACE THE DAMN HARD DISK INTO! FOUR!
YOU NEED TO HAVE IT in the lower LEFT.
No, you have to put it in the lower RIGHT.
...
God bless Youtube, because without it, I'd still be looking cluelessly around.
So...
in the most anticlimactic way possible...
*push*
*hard disks pops out*
*press*
*hard disks goes in the correct slot*
*pc boots up, and now works*
...
I'm done.
Next time my brother wants a pc, I'm sending him to the mines to build one from the raw materials.
This is how it usually goes. I had a family member who had written her computer off for scrap. I took the side off and inspected it, one of her DIMM chipsets was loose and the computer didn't like that and just constantly BSOD'd. Pushed it back in the right slot and all was well. Crazy how big problems tend to actually be little.