Round 13 - Yup.years in the future, Bay 12 Sanctuary
Toady One: Bay 12 Games needs your donations in order to finish Dwarf Fortress 40.01. Have you brought up the donations?
Ecstatic audience: YES!
Toady One is crushed under a pile of ridiculously inflated future currency
Audience: Oh, no, what did we do? Now the final version of DF will never be released!
the audience laments
Evil corporate CEO: *destroys Bay 12 Sanctuary with explosives* Hahahaha! Now, with DF fans wiped out, no one will stop me from getting enormous profits by selling shitty online-only games!
Bay 12 Zealots: Oh no, you won't!
Evil corporate CEO: what?
Bay 12 Zealots: We've got the 40.01 source code and the support of the people! Down with the corporate tyranny!
Evil corporate CEO: Oh, well. Prepare to die.
nuclear war rages on Earth, Toady One is looking at the carnage from orbit
Toady One's soul: I've never wanted to live on this planet anyway...
Toady One: *walks onto stage*
Toady One: "You are all surely wondering what the purose of this press conference is; With no further wait, let me present: Dward Fortres v1.0.0a!"
Crowd of thousands: *deafening cheers*
Crowd of thousands: "TOADY! TOADY! TOADY! TOADY! "
Crowd of thousands: *throws money*
Toady One: "Wait, where did the sunlight go..."
Toady One: *sound of being squashed by giant money bag*
Giant money bag: "[size=125%]€ 2 [/size][size=125%]000 [/size][size=125%]000 [/size][size=125%]000 [/size][size=125%]000 [/size][size=125%]000[/size]"
Crowd of thousands: *silence*
Electronic Arts secret agent: "Hehehe..."
Nuclear device: "3... 2... 1..."
Entire building: BOOOOOOOOM
Electronic Arts secret agent: "Mission accomplished"
Agents chair: *sound of creaking as being laid back in*
Time: *passing sound*
Bay12ers: *marching*
Bay12 battling ram: *sound of breaking down door*
bay12ers: "STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!"
Many turrets: "whrrrrrrrrr-click"
Electronic Arts secret agent: "What is the meaning of this!"
bay12ers: "ATAAAAAACK!"
Every country: *sound of exploding each other in nuclear fire*
Toady Ones ghost: "Well, that could have gone better. Now where did Scamps go..."
A STAGE AT A CONVENTION SOMEWHERE
Toady One: (On Stage) Behold, Dwarf Fortress v1.0.0a!
Crowd of DF fans: This is the best thing since religion and/or the scientific method! *Literally throwing money at Toady on stage*
Toady One: But wait! Over there... what is that?
Dead guy in crowd: Was apparently crushed to death by a huge bag of money.
MEANWHILE AT EA HEADQUARTERS
John Riccitiello: Heh heh heh... my evil plan will soon be complete...
CUT AWAY TO TOADY AND FANS BEING NUKED
THEN BACK TO EA HEADQUARTERS
Angry mob: Burn it down! Smash everything! They'll finally pay!
John Riccitiello: What have I done wrong? Psssh, it's just video games!
NEW FROM EA GAMES: GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR
MEANWHILE IN HEAVEN
Ghost of Toady One: The letter of the day is C. At least, I think it is.
1 – Scene One – A bar
TA: Dude! Holy crap!
ZA: Yeah, I know man!
TA: Dollazors! Just shootin’ dollars out of our eyes!
ZA: Yeah man, I know!
2
Horde of Screaming Girls: We want your dollazors Zach! And your beard, Tarn! Holy crap!
3
TA: Holy crap.
ZA: Yeah, I know man! Hey, your eyes look weird.
TA: It’s nothing boet, I’m totally not possessed!
ZA: Er.
4
ZA: Broer, you killed a man with your dollazors.
TA: Er.
ZA: Holy crap. It’s the feds. Let’s-
5 – Scene Two – New York Stock Exchange
Stockbroker–in-Chief: Feel my deathlazors, fiends! You cannot have the dollars! I vill strangle you like zis! Muahahahahahahah!
6 – Scene Three – A bar
TA: Holy crap! A bomb! Sent by-
ZA: Yeah, your eyes are freaking me right out.
TA: Never mind that dude, we need to call on help. This here looks like world war three is about to start and all we got is dollazors and hordes of screaming girls and infinite cash!
ZA: Sweeeeeet.
7 – Scene Four – On the set of Oprah
Stockbroker–in-Chief: I tell you, they are anti-american! I vill strangle them like zis!
Stockbrokers: Burn’em! Burn the witches! Launch the bombs!
Oprah: And er, so, repentance? Hey? Struggle against adversity! Cockle-warming?!
Stockbrokers: No way, dude! Burn’em!
8 - Interlude
Intercontinental Rocket Bombs: Whoosh!
9 – Scene Five – On the field of battle
Stockbrokers: Burn’em! Burn the witc- HOLY CRAP. They’ve summoned… the cookie monster!
TA: Yeah. Pretty sweet, huh.
Stockbroker–in-Chief: AND I! I GIVE YOU… JESUS!
ZA: Dude. This is pretty stupid. I was just suggesting we load up arena mode and settle this like grown men. Take a seat.
Story Time with Mister USEC_OFFICER
One day, at the Lion's Head Tavern, the local Dwarf Fortress fan club met. The fan club was headed by Mr. Toupée and his friend, Mr. Beard. Mr Toupée had the power to shoot money out of his eyes, while Mr. Beard had a beard. Hence his name.
Now, on this fine day something special happened. Many people attended the local Dwarf Fortress fan club meet. So many people attended, in fact, that Mr. Beard evolved! His eyes turned blood red, much to the shock of Mr. Toupée. Even more shocking was when the local police showed up.
"Halt, criminal scum!" they shouted as they attacked Mr. Beard. However Mr. Beard was too fast for them, and killed them all with his new found money shooting powers.
Meanwhile, in the New York Stock Exchange, Professor Monocle was shooting up demons. "How interesting," he muttered, examining a piece of money while simultaneously executing a horned devil. Sensing a great disturbance in the national economy, hurriedly left the Stock Exchange with his sidekick, Mr. Not-Important.
Meanwhile meanwhile, Mr. Toupée and Mr. Beard were shocked, for bombs were raining down from the sky! Said bombs were from the Great War between Great Britain and France, and actually had nothing to do with Mr. Toupée and Mr. Beard. Still, they were caught in the crossfire, and I guess that's important.
Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile, Professor Monocle was giving a presentation to the American Board of Economics about his findings. The board was quite surprised and shocked at Professor Monocle's findings (except for Mr. Brown, who only got onto the Board because of his uncle, and thus had no clue what was going on).
Long story short, Professor Monocle and Mr. Not-Important challenged Mr. Toupée and Mr. Beard over the fate of the US economy. The combined abilities of Mr. Beard and Mr. Toupée was seriously devaluing the currency and affecting the lives of billions. It was a long battle, and hard fought too. For a while it seemed like Mr. Beard was going to win when he summoned Cookie Monster, but Professor Monocle countered with the Spirit of Jesus. The two sides were too evenly matched, and decided to declare a draw, united by their mutual love of Dwarf Fortress.
The End.
