Chapter 70: Turn 2
Simo Hayha descends from his tree and sneaks to the house before the Confederates can spot him. He sprints up the stairs, turning and getting into the storage room that allows for vision across the entire front yard. The sniper sets up his position, kneeling down by one of the open windows and pointing his rifle out. He sees the Cannons being set up to the West, and utilizes his position to stop them. (2 vs. 1) The sniper shot manages to hit a pile of cannonballs, displacing them from a previously nicely stacked pyramid. A soldier calls out, "Damnit, I worked for five minutes on that!"
Pastamancer spell summons mortars. (6) 3 Manecotti Mortars appears. He turns to
Kingston S.W.A.T. Team and calls them out to man the mortars.
"We're policemen, not the military! We have no clue on how to use those!" The Pastamancer then runs over the turret, pulling out parts of
Gurren Lagann. (3) With the addition of the parts, the
Mobile Turret looks better than ever! That's because it was only modified cosmetically, but it still looks cool.
Twilight Sparkle summons soldiers. (4) Well, she gets three. Good enough.
"Come on everypony, lets raise this barn~!" Applejack sings the least rhythemic of all pony songs as she constructs fortifications for the front of the house. (5) With a good number of planks and nails, she quickly sets up a
Strong Fortification. She also deploys Heavy Machine Gat.
"OH YES, I HAVE A DREAM, EQUESTRIA!" Dagoth Ur Calls Upon Allies in this time of need. (4) His ally will arrive to the fray at the end of this turn!
"Ah, they gots me! My hat, too! Fuggetaboutit. If the pigs is comin', I's gonna haves roast pig fuh breakfast!"
Al Capone tosses one of his Molotov Cocktails at the crops growing around the house. (6) The flames quickly roast the fields, and soon a flickering fire spreads around the house as a barrier.
"Yeah! How ya' like that?!"Swedish Chef gives orders out to his minions as he downs a Jar of Mayo.
"Mr. Tom, take this stuff. *Om nom* Mr. Fox, kill those guys. *Nom nom* GO!" He hands his TNT Sticks and Firebombs over to
Mr. Tom, as he finishes his jar, throwing it out a window. He walks towards the South of the house as his crew goes to work.
Mr. Tom moves over to the West to set up the Dynamite trap. (3) Tom interprets "Laying a trap" as "Chuck a stick of lit dynamite like a grenade." (4 vs. 6) The exploding stick lands too far away from the Confederates to have an effect except for them noticing. "By God, that there man is throwing dynamite at us! Shoot him!" One of the Canoneers takes out his pistol. (5 vs. 2) A single good shot manages to hit Tom in the chest, knocking him to the ground.
Mr. Fox goes into the field to sneak up on the Sweeper. (1 vs. 6-1) Mr. Tom is not good with the sneakiness. (3-1 vs. 5) He runs after having a Shotgun fired at him.
"Everypony! Apple Family Reunion!" Big Macintosh calls for an emergency family meeting! (2) He immediately gets a letter in response:
"Apple Family Reunion Cancelled on Account of New Game of Thrones Episode." "Damnit!" There was no way he could wrench the Apple Family away from a dramatic television show depicting a large dynasty rife with violence and incest, much like his own.
He decides instead to fortify the stairs that lead to the Hostage Room. (4) He makes a Solid Fortification.
"COMPANY OF THE UNITED STATES CONFEDERACY, MARCH!" Confederate Company No. 1 begins marching on up onto the Plantation household. Meanwhile in the estate, an orange earth pony gets behind her Heavy Machine Gun.
"Firin'!" (2 vs. 5) The wild fire of the gun does nothing to slow down the advancing confederate forces. They manage to reach the fortifications. "Bring it down boys!" The soldiers begin smashing apart the wood that lines the outward door and windows, but it remains firm for now.
Sweeper No. 2 runs after
Mr. Fox! (6-1 vs. 1) He shoots the fox with a direct shotgun blast, and he explodes into a ball of useless fluff! The Chef cries out,
"MR. FOX! NOOOOOOOOOO-"From the West, the Confederate Calvary rides towards the side of the house!
Simo Hayha pulls out his gun to stop them! (3 vs. 4) He fires a full clip, but the horses are too fast for him! They pass the wounded
Mr. Tom, dismounting their mounts to get through the window. Saber handles connect with fragile glass, and the shatters and footsteps can be heard throughout as dozens of men manage to get into the west side of the house!
The accompanying Western Cannons spot
Simo Hayha sniping at the cavalry. "That son of a bitch is the one shooting at all of us! Aim upwards, give him hell!" (3 vs. 1) A cannonball blasts it way through the portion of the building that the sniper rests at. He dodges out of the way as the cannonball goes through the wall and through the floor, which peppers him with wood shrapnel, but his jacket manages to deflect it. However, he accidentally drops his Mosin Nagant, which falls through the newly made hole. He curses in his native tongue.
Calvary Company No. 2 rides in from the East! However, they have to deal with a nightmare for all fleet-footed land soldiers, the
Automated Turret. (6 vs. 2) Just as they come near the house, the machine gives out a single beep before unloading it's efficient targeting machine gun. There's a series of bright flashes and pumping machinery as both man and horse are filled up with lead. Within 30 seconds, half of the company is dead. The rest retreats, turning around at the last moment and running. However, they now have to deal with the Molotov Cocktail blaze! (1 vs. 2) While none of them are hurt trying to navigate through the fire, it significantly slows them down, which means it will be many turns before they can regroup and form a new company to attack again.
While the Turret fires away, the Confederate Gatling Guns on the Eastern Front decide to return the favor! (1 vs. 3) Seems like old-fashioned man-powered guns aren't as accurate or efficient as modern computerized ones. Who knew. (4 vs. 2) Using a few more shots, the
Automated Turret manages to disable one Gatling Gun, as well as it's four operators.
From the South, Confederate Company No. 2 attempts sneaking their way through the back. Their plan would succeed, except for one issue. A large, meaty, Swedish issue.
"COME AND HOUSE AND DIE!" Some of the soldiers form a single file line, preemptively lining up all their guns for a simultaneously shot.
Swedish Chef stands in front of the door, unmoving, like a man. "Fire on em'!" (1 vs. 3) The bullets break glass and tear through some of the weaker materials in the South of the House. But not can hit the chef. He roars and pulls out his eating utensils,
"MY'AH TURN! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!" (4 vs. 6) The chef trips down the southern steps,
"FUCK." *Splat*Sentry No. 2 charges out of the protection of Confederate Company No. 2, running towards
The Swedish Chef as he lie on the ground like an idiot. The Sentry knew this would be his chance, if he took down one
H.O.E., he would finally be respected in his home town. He drew his Revolver out, "I got him!" (1-1 vs. 3) However, suddenly spins around, delivering a sweep kick to the Sentry's legs. He falls to the ground as the chef quickly jumps to his feet. Before he can react, the sentry is picked up by the viking man.
"BEHOLD!" (4 vs. 2-1) The chef slams the sentry onto the ground, knocking him out instantaneously.
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. proceeds to the front area in the interior of the house, where the Confederate Company outside is trying to break down the fortifications.
"Smoke them out!" (5 vs. 3) A Smoke Grenade is thrown into the mass of southerns. With a
*pop*, the bashing of the fortifications stop as smoke fills the outside of the house, replaced with screams and wheezing.
Dagoth Rather, the Snarky Ascended Sleeper walks up to the Gatling Guns. (3 vs. 6)
"Hey, you guys-" (6 vs. 2) One of the guns turns on him and opens fire, with the effect of hitting him with a dozen bullets in mere seconds. Looks like Snark doesn't work in every scenario.
The Head Guard stands up, finally recovered from a nearly fatal attack. He wipes the dust off of his face and pulls out a menacing knife as he saunters to the Hostage Room. It looked like all the
H.O.E.S. were busy fortifying or fighting, leaving the Hostages to themselves. It was too late for negotiations at this point, he'd be doing his country a service by getting rid of the filthy Yankees. But just when he walked into the door;
"SLIM JIMS!" (5 vs. 4)
Macho Man Randy Savage leaps at him out of nowhere tackling him to the ground.
"What in the hell-?!" The guard writhes under the wrestling legend,
"YOU GOTTA' TRY HARDER THAN THAT TO TAKE ON THE MACHO MANNNN~"In the midst of the fighting, a small stealth plane hovers over the Plantation House.
"It looks pretty heavy down there you two, good luck." The two new
H.O.E.S. in question are instantly teleported into the house.
Gary Motherfucking Oak & Altria Pendragon have joined the H.O.E.S.!Enemy Positions:-North-
(Fortified)Confederate Company No. 1
Items: Rifles
Health:
150/150; SmokedSweeper No. 2
Items: Shotgun With Flashlight
Untrained: -1 to combat rolls.Health:
Fine-West-Confederate Calvary No. 1
Items: Sabers
Health:
80/80Notes: Dismounted, In West Side of House
Confederate Cannon
Items: Cannon, Cannonballs
Health:
5/5-East-Confederate Gatling Guns
Items: 3 Gatling Guns
Health:
8/12-SouthConfederate Company No. 2
Items: Rifles
150/150Sentry #2
Items: Revolver
Untrained: -1 to combat rolls.Health:
Unconscious-Upstairs-
(Solid Fortifications)
Twilight Sparkle
Items: The General's Oversized Machete Blade, Socially Acceptable Club Behavior (Part of the Official "How to: For Equestrians" Book Series)
Health: Fine
Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt (Torn), Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Chrome, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone, Mobile Turret Parts, "Bikini Inspector" T-Shirt.
Health: Health: Fine
Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Chromes, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber, Heavy Machine Gat
Health: Fine
Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: Ready!), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Used), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap, Decorative "Mickey Mouse" Ears, The Holy Bible
Health: Fine
Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gat, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat, AK47, Cursed Machete, Martini Glass with Tiny Umbrella
Health: Health: Back Scratched Up by Shrapnel
Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves, Bandana, Overpriced Souvenir, Straw Hat
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: Used)
Health: Fine
The Swedish Chef
Items: Knife, Viking Chestplate, Viking Helmet, Armored Boots, Spoon, Several Bowie Knives, Beer, Roland Deschain's Father's Guns, Dallas Cowboys Hat, Mayo (4 Jars),
Abilities: Summon Mr. Fox or Tom (Mr. Fox Available), Taking Too Much Time! (1 Turn: Ready!) Swedish FUS RO DAH (2 Turns: 1 Turns), Mayo Rush (Passive), Mayo Addiction (2 Turns: 2 Turns to Eat)
Health: Fine
Simo Hayha
Items: Suomi 9mm SMG, Mosin Nagant Rifle, White Sniper Camouflage
Health: Fine
Gary Motherfucking Oak
Items:
Abilities: Bitchmobile Coming in Hot! (2 Turns: Ready!), Pokemon!
Health: Fine
Altria Pendragon
Items: Plated Mail, Caliburn
Health: Fine
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Gats, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades, 5 Pounds of Kush Herb
Health: Health: Fine
Automated Turret
Items: Gatling Gat, Legs
Health: Fine
Mr. Tom
Items: Carlos Mencia DVD, TNT, Firebombs
Health: Chest Shot, Heavy Bleeding
Soldiers
Items: Soldier Stuff
Items: 3/3
Hostages
Items:
Health: 30/30
Macho Man
Items: Ridiculous Spandex Suit
Health: OH YEAH!
Author
Topic: Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P] (Read 336971 times)