Chapter 59: Fuck tha' Police
Roland Deschain is the first one to step forward and take action. A quiet fury crowds his mind as he gives his speech on the nature of criminals;
"Bandits, you say? Bandits? Well, I have some news for you, gang- you're lawbreakers. And I don't like lawbreakers. So, in interest of swift justice for you, I have one answer for you, Mr. James. My father's guns. SWAT, please assist me in punishing these bastards." Roland pulls the revolvers from his holsters and unleashes his true
Gunslinger powers upon the James-Younger gang.
(4 vs. 6)
(6 vs. 5)
(5 vs. 2)
A flurry of revolver bullets fly at the James-Younger gang. Clell ducks behind a barrel and avoids being hit. Bob on the other hand takes a hit to the left thigh. "Sonuvabitch!" He cries out as he topples over. Meanwhile, Cole takes a hit to the gut and stumbles backwards. Deschain grips his smoking empty revolvers and runs for cover.
Pastamancer looks around for those who need the most protection. Everyone else looks pretty sturdy, except that thin wizard
Dagoth Ur. The pasta wizard runs up to the God,
"I'll protect us!" (1) He casts a spell and from the ground rises the dreaded
Meatball Monster! "Whoops, wrong spell."Rainbow Dash flies into the clouds. Finding a nice fluffy cumulus one, she dives in.
"Perfect." As Rainbow disappears into the cloud, a Lee Enfield barrel pops out of it. The barrel swivels around until it points at Clell Miller. (2 vs. 6) The bullet misses causing Miller to jump and load his Hunting Rifle to combat the unseen enemy.
Simon uses
The Boss's Cell Phone to call for Lagann. (4)
"Yeah, Gurren will be here soon!" Getting the confirmation, Lagann steps in front of Twilight, protecting her from attacks.
"Silly n'wah, we've killed Jamaicans thrice your size and power!" Dagoth Ur cackles as he covers himself in a thick
Ash Cloud. In the cloud, he commands
Asinine Sleeper to go forward and annoy his enemies! (2) The Sleeper proceeds to flail on the ground while screaming about boats.
Applejack grins.
"Well it's truly a pleasure to meet ya'll, but I ain't planning on havin 'Lestia put a noose round my neck, and I don't feel like takin no dirt nap either. Besides, I'm really itching to see just how good a shot ya'll really are, SPECIALLY YOU JESSE!" At this point AJ spins out
Teddy Roosevelt's Pistols in good ole' cowgirl form and fires shots at
Jesse James! (3 vs. 2) A shot skims Jesse's torso, but he doesn't even flinch. The pony then turns tail and runs for cover.
Twilight Sparkle levitates
The General's Oversized Machete and swings it at Jim Younger. (1 vs. 6) Jim easily dodges the clumsy swing of the blade and returns with Pistol fire. However, Lagann stands in the way to protect the mare! (5 vs. 1) Jim must know quite a bit about Mecha, because his shot manages to pierce the armor of the robot and hit
Simon directly in the chest! The pilot staggers, but retains his balance by holding onto the control panel.
Big Macintosh takes
Applejack's Straw Hat and combines it with cloth to look intimidating!....Nope. He speaks,
"Even though ah like ya style. Ah really don't like how y'all talk down to us. Get ready for the bucking of your lifetime." Knocking his gauntlets, the stallion gallops at Cole Younger and John Jarrette. (2 vs. 2) Big Mac swings at Cole and misses, (1 vs. 3) and also fails to hit John Jarrette. (3 vs. 1) John hits Mac in the side with a beer bottle!
"Who ya think I am? Ya wanna mess around with the Al Capone? The godfatha of gansters?! Huh? Well, this is my turf now! Al Capone whips out his AK47 and fires into the James-Younger gang. His bullets sweep across the gang and his barrel comes to face with Arthur McCoy. (5 vs. 6) Arthur ducks for cover and manages to avoid the Windy City spray. As Capone empties the clip, Arthur returns the favor by throwing a stick of lit dynamite at him. (6 vs. 1) Capone realizes the existence of the dynamite stick as soon as it explodes. He's tossed off his feet and lands on back. His vision blurs and he tries standing up...and he can't. He looks down...it really isn't a good sign when you look at your chest without any X-ray or transparency device and you can still see your own organs and muscles.
Lethal Wound - Immediate Medical Attention Requested!Old Spice Guy challenges the cowboy bandits to a contest of manliness. Jim Younger accepts! Isiah and Jim pull up chairs and sit on opposite side of a barrel. Placing their right elbows down, they grasp each others hand in a arm-wrestling match of the ages. It's a good match, (6 vs. 4) but Old Spice (TM) comes out on top, pushing his opponent's arm through. He keeps going until he breaks Jim's arm, causing him to howl in pain.
"Never pick a fight with a man of the legendary Old Spice (TM).Cole Younger clutches his stomach wound with his left hand and fires his revolver with his right, aiming shots at
Big Macintosh. (3 vs. 2) He shoots the pony across his face! Big Mac looks at him with that western face of "You done fucked up boy."
Jim Younger looks at
The Old Spice Guy with eyes full of rage, yanking his broken arm back and coming in with a left handed Bowie Knife attack! (2 vs. 3) Isiah grabs his arm.
"Ha, a real man does use need knives! Let me show you!" (5 vs. 1) Isiah rips Jim's knife of his hand and then plunges it into his chest! The cowboy sinks to the ground bleeding profusely, as the Old Spice prophet stands above him solemnly.
"A real man does not use his knives, he uses the knives of other men!" Jim gets confused and dies.
Applejack runs back to avoid being shot, but finds another horse galloping along side her.
"I'mma get this pony 'ere boys!" declares John Younger as he swings his Lasso into a spinning loop and swings it at the mare. (2 vs. 6) AJ catches the Lasso in her teeth. (1 vs. 5) She tugs on it, but John manages to stay on his horse and pull his rope back into his ownership.
Clell Miller finishes loading his rifle shot. He takes a knee and begins scoping out for targets.
Arthur McCoy throws a Firebomb at the
Meatball Monster! (1 vs. 6) Oh great, now everyone has to deal with the fucking
Flaming Meatball Monster! (5 vs. 3) The flaming monster gives Arthur a does of his own medicine by hitting him with a fireball. Now he's
ON FIRE!Charlie Pitt looks at
Dagoth Ur disappear into the Ash Cloud.
"Now that right there is some Satanic bull-sheet!" Charles fires his repeater into the smoke (5+1 vs. 4+1) and hits Dagoth right in his mask! Ow. I guess.
John Jarrette runs up to
Simon and throws beer at Lagann! (6 vs. 4) The flood of beer is not good for Lagann's mainframe! (-1 to attacks next turn)
Frank James runs to the side of his brother to protect him.
Jesse James ignores
Applejack's fire and instead focus on
Roland Deschain.
"Son, you think just cuz' you the law and look pretty means you know what justice is like? You know how it is to starve for days wit' out gettin' any food? Lawmen. Y'all dime a dozen. I'mma show you how we fight in my country." Jesse whips out his twin revolvers, in a similar fashion to Roland before, and fires at him. (6 vs. 3) Roland blinks before having his torso torn apart by a hail of bullets. The lawman sinks to his knees, wheezing air as blood profusely pours from several holes in his chest. Jesse, seeming satisfied, blows the smoke off the barrels of his revolvers.
The Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team forms a defensive line in front of Roland, Riot Shields blocking any incoming bullets. The medic of the unit attends to him. (4) He manages to seal off the bleeding, though Roland still is in bad shape.
Big Fucking Pile of Rocks (5) somehow manages to accumulate more rocks and evolves into
Huge Fucking Pile of Rocks!
Flaming Meatball Monster (2) is on fire.
Jesse JamesHealth: Light Torso ShotMood: "Lawmen are a joke!"Gurren shows up on the battlefied!
Cole Younger: The oldest Younger brother. He can fire many shots.
Inventory: 2 Revolvers, Horse, Cowboy Hat
Health: Stomach Shot
John Younger: This Younger brother excels at Horse-ridin'.
Inventory: Lasso, Horse, Cowboy Hat
Health: Fine
Bob Younger: The youngest Younger who took quite a beating but kept fightin'.
Fisticuffs!: +1 to hand-to-hand combat.
Inventory: Knuckleduster, Bowie Knife, Cowboy Hat
Health: Left Thigh Shot, Bleeding
Clell Miller: The gang's sharpshooter.
Sniper: Takes 1 Turn to load rifle, upon firing he gets a +1.
Inventory: Hunting Rifle, Horse, Cowboy Hat
Health: Fine
Arthur McCoy: Every gang has their pyromaniac.
Inventory: Firebombs, TNT Sticks, Cowboy Hat
Health: FIRE!!!
Charlie Pitt: A religious man who ain't got time for no voodoo shenanigans!
Pious: +1 against magic attacks.
Inventory: Repeater, The Holy Bible, Cowboy Hat
Health: Fine
John Jarrette: A guy who just sort of hangs around the posse. They let him stay because he brings beer.
Inventory: Beer, "Dallas Cowboys" Hat
Health: Fine
Frank James: Jesee's brother.
Close Relations With the Boss: Killing Frank would really get Jesse mad...
Inventory: 2 Pistols, Horse
Health: Fine
Rainbow Dash
Items: Dashie's Katana, Laurel Crown, L.C. Wintle's Lee Enfield, Whip, Surfboard, Sunglasses
Health: Fine
Twilight Sparkle
Items: The General's Oversized Machete Blade, Socially Acceptable Club Behavior (Part of the Official "How to: For Equestrians" Book Series)
Health: Fine
Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt, Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Pasta Armor, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Pistol, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone, Mobile Turret Parts, "Bikini Inspector" T-Shirt
Health: Fine
Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Pistols, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber, Heavy Machine Gun
Health: Fine
Old Spice Guy
Items: Towel, Old Spice (TM), Coconut
Health: Fine
Simon
Items: Lagann, Core Drill, Sandals
Abilities: Spiral Power (3 Turns: Activated), Infinite Spiral (Once Per Battle: Available), Lagann Impact
Health: Chest Shot, Beer Overflow (-1 to attacks)
Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: 3 Turn Cooldown), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Available), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap, Decorative "Mickey Mouse" Ears
Health: Mask Shot
Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gun, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat, AK47, Cursed Machete, Martini Glass with Tiny Umbrella
Health: Done Got Blown Up
Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves, Bandana, Overpriced Souvenir, Straw Hat
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: Ready!)
Health: Side Bruised, Face Skim Shot
Roland Deschain
Items: Father's Guns, Ammo Bandolier, Wanderer's Clothing, Shiny Plastic Revolvers
Abilities: Gunslinger (2 Turns: 2 Turns Cooldown)
Health: Several Chest Shots
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Guns, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades, 5 Pounds of Kush Herb
Health: 12/12
Asinine Sleeper
Items: Useless Trinkets, Empty Cereal Box, Limited Edition "Mind of Carlos Mencia" DVD
Health: Fine
Huge Fucking Pile of Rocks
Items: Rocks
Health: Rocks
Flaming Meatball Monster
Items: Fireballs!
Health: Fine
Author
Topic: Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P] (Read 337333 times)