Chapter 72: Restoration
A blue moon loiters above in the starry night sky above a Virginian field. The grassy field was dotted with ubiquitous military tents, each flapping lightly in the silent breeze. From one of these tents, two young men emerge. Their gray uniforms cleaned and buttons, hats fastened to their skulls, boots strapped to their soles. They proceeded in a casual walk towards the enigmatic plantation house, two respective Enfield Rifles laying on each of their shoulders.
As they came upon the sight of the besieged home, one of the soldiers turned to his companion. "So Valdez? What's so damn important about this house that we can't flush 'em out? We got cannons, smokes, sky-birds. Hell, we could just burn it down and send them running."
The other soldiers shook his head dismissively. "You don't really know who we're up against do ya' Tommy? These are cream o' the crop
H.O.E.S. we're talking 'bout. They've been up in the house for a week because ain't no one can stop them. These sons o' bitches don't destroy tanks, I heard they just eat em' or something. I'm being for real."
Tommy's reply only merited a shrug from Valdez. "Well, if they were so good at fightin', what the hell are have they been doin' for over a month?"
-Meanwhile: Inside the Cellar-"That's only three left. Three plants dude. That's not going to last us much longer.""Then go out and get some more, this botanical substance should not be hard to find. Praise Dagoth.""Have you not noticed that there's swarms of grey-dudes surrounding this place at all times?""Get through them then. Praise Dagoth.""Would you stop-""Praise Dagoth.""FUCK-""PRAISE DAGOTH."As the two magical entities argue about the dwindling supplies of marijuana in the cellar, another conversation goes on in a different corner.
"You cannot simply rush out into battle, even with weaponry of your caliber. The Soviets would have destroyed you.""Shit, I dunno' bout' that in fact I think you're wrong on that end Eagle Eyes. I've been busting balls of blue boys before, badabing', ya' know.""I know? Know what?""You know that...I've been with your moms in the sack, how bouts' it.""My mother would never-""Well, maybe you should talk to her bout' it."There's a sudden explosion of exchanged gunfire from one corner, but no one else notices, as they are preoccupied in finding ways to combat the dullness of their place. Take the ongoing wooing at the back of the cellar:
"Yo, warrior princess girl. Whatcha' reading?""I've procured this ancient text from the library of this homestead. I believe it may uncover vital information to aid me in my holy quest.""Well, how about your holy quest to SUCK ON DEEZ' NUTS?!"".....""HOW ABOUT I PUT MY EXCALIBUR IN YOUR HOLY GRAIL? AND BY THAT I MEAN PUT MY WANG IN YOUR BUTT."".....""HAVE YOU EVER SWALLOWED A-""If you don't leave me alone, the only penetration that takes place will be Caliburn going through your vital organs.""WHAT EVA' GIRL, YOU KNOW YOU STILL WANT THE 'D'. SMELL YA' LATER!"A 48-inch High-Definition Plasma Television Screen lay at the center of the Cellar, relocated from the Living Room upstairs. Three equine sat in front of it, oblivious to their surroundings as they continued to be captivated by the events of
Game of Thrones. Until they were interrupted.
"WASSUP' PONY GIRLS. TIME TO GET OUT YOUR SADDLES, BECAUSE I'M GETTING READY TO RIDE YOU BOTH."Cue incessant pelvic thrusting.
"YOU READY FOR YOUR PLOT EXAMINATIONS? I'M DIVING IN THERE LIKE JACQUES COUSTEAU. LOOK AT THESE THIRSTY MARES, HOT BIRDS. EXCEPT THEY'RE HORSES, NOT ACTUAL BIRDS." No response.
"YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: ONCE YOU GO HUMAN, YOU NEVER GO BACK TO NASTY STALLION DICKS."That was finally enough to simultaneously elicit equine and fraternal rage from the red stallion. With mighty will, he chucked the television set at the offender, who was only able to dive out of the way thanks to his experience in having large objects thrown at him.
"NOOOOOOOOO!"The excited nature of the Cellar died with the orange pony rushing over to the remains of her beloved television, holding aloft a set of ruined glass in anguished grief.
"Is this who we are? Wanting to buck each other so badly that we'd lose HBO and AMC? Jus' look at us. We're squabblin' over Mary Jane and some horny-business while we're bein' starved to death by some rednecks. This ain't why I left mah' farm, decidin' to risk my life out here on the front lines. Let me ask y'all, do you remember why you came out here in the first place?"".....""Well shit, me neither, but I'll be damned if I die in fuckin' chicken-shit Virginia."And for the first time in a month, a
H.O.E. ascended out of the Cellar.
-Outside-"...And that's why a vacuum cleaner can't be your girlfriend. And speaking of girlfriends, here comes one of them hoe' girls. Finally." The bored Confederate Company men suddenly stand erect when they see
Applejack appear before them in the moonlight.
"You ready to give up?"
"BUY SOME APPLES!"(2 vs. 5-1)
An over-thrown
Fragmentation Grenade explodes in mid-air, doing no harm to anyone, but it does provoke reaction from the Confederates.
(1 vs. 5-1)
Applejack is able to flee back into the shelter of the Cellar as the Company panics; bullets fire in every direction and men run straight into one another.
In the initial panic of the battle, the
H.O.E.S. are able to rush back into the higher levels of the plantation and retake battle positions.
Simo Hayha takes his post upstairs by the windows. He wastes no time in aiming his rifles down at the Confederate Cannon below.
(5 vs. 4)
One soldier is struck right through the chest, immediately killing him. The rest rush for cover, but not before the White Death is able to plug another victim through the back with a spinal-tap via bullet.
"You shall not pass! I am she who defeated Discord himself! The Changeling Queen begged and bowed at my feet and I am the Equestrian heir apparent! All who stand in my way shall die!" Twilight Sparkle emits a magical spark through the air.
(2 vs. 6-1)
A spontaneous wall of flame appears! And then dissipates quickly.
(3-1 vs. 6)
The Confederate Company respond to the mysterious display of magical pyrotechnics by shooting the house ineffectually.
"Ha-hah! Silly confederate n'wah! You cannot stand against the assembled power of the Chimer!" Dagoth Ur prepares a Present from the House of Dagoth!(3 vs. 5)
Dagoth accidentally casts 'Summon Nihilistic Soldier'!
Nihilistic Soldier joins the fray! (4-1 vs. 5)
The Confederate Company's responding rifle fire misses Dagoth, but hits his summon!
"Ow. Looks like I'm going to die. Who cares. I'm dead."Nihilistic Soldier has died!"So hard to get good help around here."Pasta Wizard casts 'Pasta Bandages'.
(5)
The noodly bandages cometh forth.
(5)
Spaghetti Elemental joins the fray!"Here are the bandages. Give them to anyone who's hurt, okay?"The wizard hands off his medical devices as he ducks for cover. Drawing out his Spaghetti Spear, he notices Sweeper No. 2 attempting to sneak in through the front door.
(4 vs. 2-1)
In a tactical move that would make Shaka Zulu proud, the wizard springs out of the shadows onto the unassuming Sweeper, plunging the sharpened shaft of his spaghetti spear straight through his spatial sensibility, or in layman's terms, stabbed him in the chest. The confederate drops his Shotgun, attempting to halt the spear from protruding into him any further. The magician simply drives it forward a small bit and then tugs it back out completely, letting the sweeper sink to the ground in a puddle of his own fluid.
Altria Pendragon walks through the home, pondering the first steps she took into her present situation. As soon as she arrived, the siege had began, and she was held in the house for weeks with the talking horses and men who constantly babbled about nonsense like firearms and mayonnaise, save for the boy who wooed after her. Everyone knew the Quest for the Holy Grail would be the hardest ever taken, but no one had mentioned to her about it being so bizarre. She opened the door to the Cellar storage-room, where the Hostages were kept.
"We heard gunfire. What's going on?""The battle has resumed, stay put. We'll have the situation under control soon enough...I dearly hope so, anyways..."Swedish Chef eats mayonnaise. "GOOD. NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE KILLING." The chef runs out of the Cellar screaming at his enemies.
(5 vs. 3)
"FUS RO DAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHACHEFTIMEISBESTTIME!"The shockwave that hits the first batch of the second Confederate Company simply shatters every bone and muscle in their bodies, while the aftershock tosses others into the sky, rocketing them away.
The remaining company-men run for cover.
"Valdez, I think I believe yah' now!"
"Shut up and focus!"
Al Capone searches for the sweeper, both machine-guns in tow, until he comes across his body lying beneath the
Pasta Wizard. Capone kicks the prone sweeper in the head,
"Ah', for good measure.""BLASTOISE! USE THAT WATER BLAST SHIT!"(1 vs. 3)
Gary Motherfucking Oak miscalculates the distance between his Blastoise and the Confederate Cannon, the result being that the ground next to them gets completely soaked, while they are subjected to a light mist.
(6 vs. 3)
Reactive cannon fire hits Gary's left leg, removing it below the knee.
The Confederate Company presses their fire onto
The Swedish Chef, though the soldiers quickly exhaust their ammunition reserves in the process.
"Val, I'm all out. All of us are."
"There's no way outta' this one. Somethin's gotta' change. We gotta' do it."
"You mean-"
"Yeah. All of us."
The two of them simultaneously roared out, "SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY! With the exclamation of the Confederate battle cry reverberating through the sky, every last man in the company was suddenly seized with a fervor to charge at the Chef with their rifle bayonets.
(1-1 vs. 4)
Not that it did any good.
(1-1 vs. 5)
"No thank you. Bye." The swede sees the oncoming attack and runs into the Cellar, locking the door behind him.
While the Confederate Cannon did manage to land a disabling shot on one target, their focus was not paid to the
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team coming from behind them.
(1 vs. 4)
"Hey guys, look at em'." The above was true except for one keen soldier who noted the armored men crawling out of the brush towards the cannon.
(3 vs. 4)
The cannoners pulled out their side-arms and blasted the S.W.A.T. Team, the latter of whom fired back. In the firefight, no shots were actually landed.
The Confederate Company charged up to the Cellar door, bashing it down with their rifles acting as improvised clubs. The wood eventually gave way, and shattered, only for the soldiers to be standing in front of the mighty
Automated Turret.(3 vs. 2-1)
The whole company was slaughtered, unsuspecting of the future killing technology that ambushed them. Rows and rows of them were shot through, falling down the stairs until the Cellar floor soon became soiled with bodies. The few that made it out retreated.
"Shit V, I don't know what we gon' do!"
"JUST SHUT UP! I'M THINKING!"
The Confederate Cannon squad fired at the Jamaican policemen, distracted yet again from the paragon of stealth himself,
Mr. Tom.(5 vs. 6)
Tom tossed an excellently arced Firebomb that almost lit up the Cannon entirely. Key word being almost.
(4 vs. 5)
One soldier drew his knife and chased after Tom, who fled back into the house.
Equestrian Soldier People shoot at Confederate Company No. 2.
(2 vs. 5)
(1-1 vs. 2)
The Confederates flee from the sustained fire, nearly pushed all the way back to the fields.
Spaghetti Elemental flies over to
Gary Motherfucking Oak. (6) It patches up his wound quite nicely, stopping the bleeding at least.
The Confederate Head Guard jumped to a start as he realized that the fighting had finally began once again. Picking up his gun, he rushed towards the house to the sight of dozens of soldiers running about, explosions and bullets painting the sky. As he proceeded to the house, he was interrupted by a man standing on the roof of the barn.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN COME AND KILL MY PEOPLE! WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT BROTHER! MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE SIGNATURE ELBOW DROP!"(5 vs. 4)
The guard ran, but not before the Macho Man could leap at him, and drive the point of his elbow into the back of his skull. He fell immediately.
The Head Guard clutched the back of his head, his eyes watering in pain and concussive damage. He rolled over to see a mass of spandex walking to him.
"OH YEEEAH! READY FOR ROUND TWO?!" The guard pulled out his pistol, hoping to get a lucky shot off.
(4 vs. 5)
His dazed state causes him to fire wildly and inaccurately, emptying his whole clip as he the manifestation of his doom saunters to his positions.
(3 vs. 2)
Macho Man kicks him in the gut, and he rolls over slightly, grunting in pain and exhaustion.
"WHATCHU' GONNA' DO NOW?!?!?!?"Enemy Positions:-West-Confederate Cannon
Items: Cannon, Cannonballs
Health:
3/5-SouthConfederate Company No. 2
Items: Rifles
18/150-Upstairs-
(Solid Fortifications)
Twilight Sparkle
Items: The General's Oversized Machete Blade, Socially Acceptable Club Behavior (Part of the Official "How to: For Equestrians" Book Series)
Health: Fine
Pastamancer
Items: ASCII T-Shirt (Torn), Skiing Pants, Glass Balls, Merasmus's Bombinomicon & Staff of Wood-ness, Cortez's Chrome, Cyan Garamonde's Samurai/Light U.S. Armor, Sherlock Holmes's Hat, The Boss's Cell Phone, Mobile Turret Parts, "Bikini Inspector" T-Shirt.
Health: Health: Fine
Applejack
Items: Lasso, Theodore Roosevelt's Chromes, The Boss's Fragmentation Grenades, Hacha Axe, Turkish Saber, Heavy Machine Gat (Jammed)
Health: Fine
Dagoth Ur
Items: Golden Mask, Loincloth, Ash Statue
Abilities: Summon Ash Cloud (3 Turns: 3 Turns), Call Upon Minions (Once Per Battle: Used), A Present From House Dagoth, Telepathic Power Nap, Decorative "Mickey Mouse" Ears, The Holy Bible
Health: Fine
Al Capone
Items: Tommy Gat, Revolver, Pineapple Bombs, Molotov Cocktails, Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bat, AK47, Cursed Machete, Martini Glass with Tiny Umbrella
Health: Health: Back Scratched Up by Shrapnel
Big Macintosh
Items: Pony Gauntlets, Pony Armor, Armored Greaves, Bandana, Overpriced Souvenir, Straw Hat
Abilities: Apple Family Reunion (3 Turns: 2 Turns)
Health: Fine
The Swedish Chef
Items: Knife, Viking Chestplate, Viking Helmet, Armored Boots, Spoon, Several Bowie Knives, Beer, Roland Deschain's Father's Guns, Dallas Cowboys Hat, Mayo (3 Jars),
Abilities: Summon Mr. Fox or Tom (Mr. Fox Available), Taking Too Much Time! (1 Turn: Ready!) Swedish FUS RO DAH (2 Turns: 2 Turns), Mayo Rush (Passive), Mayo Addiction (2 Turns: 2 Turns to Eat)
Health: Burned
Simo Hayha
Items: Suomi 9mm SMG, Mosin Nagant Rifle, White Sniper Camouflage
Health: Fine
Gary Motherfucking Oak
Items:
Abilities: Bitchmobile Coming in Hot! (2 Turns: Ready!), Pokemon!
Health: Left Leg Below the Knee Gone
Altria Pendragon
Items: Plated Harness, Caliburn
Health: Fine
Elite Kingston S.W.A.T. Team
Items: MPSK Sub-machine Gats, Tactical Shotguns, Riot Shields, Tasers, Flashbangs, Smoke Grenades, 5 Pounds of Kush Herb
Health: Health: 30/30
Automated Turret
Items: Gatling Gat, Legs
Health: Fine
Mr. Tom
Items: Carlos Mencia DVD, TNT, Firebombs
Health: Fine
Soldiers
Items: Soldier Stuff
Items: 3/3
Hostages
Items:
Health: 30/30
Macho Man
Items: Ridiculous Spandex Suit
Health: OH YEAH!
Spaghetti Elemental
Items: Spaghetti Bandages
Health: Fine
~It's been a
Long September, and there's reason to believe,
Maybe this year will be better than the last.
I can't remember the last thing I said as I was leaving,
Oh the days go bye so fast.
And it's one more day in the canyons,
One more night in Hollywood.
If you think I could be forgiven,
I wish you would.~
Author
Topic: Roll to Dodge Princess Celestia, Act II [Actually Done This Time: R.I.P] (Read 336871 times)