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[Sockman]

This account is a sock puppet. I'm using it only once, to create this thread. I'm doing it like this, because my real account can be traced to my identity. I'm not paranoid about you guys tracing me; I don't want people I know casually IRL recognize me if they happen to browse these forums. Not regarding this story. Many of them know my main account after all.

I'm going to tell you a story. It might sound hard to believe. I don't care. It is still a true story.

I'm 30. Highly educated. I've had relationships in the past; I'm not the socially ankward nerd type. Still, I fell in love for the first time two years ago. Really fell in love, shadowing everything I had ever felt for anyone before. She was, to put it in a word, perfect. I felt instantly connected with her on a deep mental and emotional level. It certainly helped that she was gorgeous, perfectly to the shallow aspects of my taste in women. It became a really passionate and burning romance.

Then she got sick. Something vile, dangerous and chronic - let's say cancer in general. Despite having been in a good salaried position, she had been unable to get a health insurance due to pre-existing asthma. Doctors loathe to do much for a person without insurance, even if you have the money to pay. Well, I thought she was the love of my life.

So I started paying for her treatments. First I used all my savings. When they were done, all my income went to her. I sold everything valuable I owned. It reached the point I sometimes literally starved, because I'd rather pay her medical costs than even buy food from my income. All in total, I spent over 25 thousand dollars on her (paying high-risk state insurances, medication, doctor visits and so forth).

Then shit hit the fan. She was raped. I was unable to be with her physically in the time immediately afterwards due to circumstances wildly beyond my control. She said it fucked her up so bad emotionally, she had a two week "relationship" with a male friend. When she confessed a little later, she said he had been just abusing her when she was vulnerable and loved me etc, begged me for a second chance.

Naturally, I felt utterly devastated. Not the cheating in itself - though it is bad - but for the way I was treated after I had always put her first in everything. She begged for a second chance, so I gave her one, but told she'd really need to prove herself to me, sick or not. Yeah, once a cheater always a cheater, but I thought the rape made the circumstances special.

A few months went on,  I did some more sacrifices for her. Then a friend of hers contacts me and tells that she has actually been lying to me about some things. I confront her about it. First she denies everything, but after a couple of days of dancing, she comes clean.

That guy that "just abused her" was more than that, she has been in love with him all the time. I've been just a mule that has been used to keep her alive, no matter the cost to me. Plus, in addition to paying for her medical costs, to pay for drugs for his little habit. (Yes, the guy is a junkie to add as a bonus. No, I didn't ask receipts for every single dollar, just for most.) She tells she will marry him now since I'm out of money anyway. The reason she had been trying out again with me was that the guy was thrown into jail. Now that he has got out, she will get together with him. She goes on to try mindfuck me into thinking it is all my fault because of a little lie I told her at one point. Mindfuck fails though.

So yeah... that's my reward for ruining my life to save hers. I know for a fact I saved her life twice by paying for emergency surgeries she had been unable to get otherwise, possible even more times. I have no idea how long that shit has been going on behind my back, but I think it might have gone on even longer than I thought. I mean, they were "good friends" a lot longer. I don't know if the rape even happened, it might have been just an elaborate mindfuck to make me feel bad, since I wasn't around physically at the time. What can I say... I suppose I never really knew her, no matter how connected I felt.

I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I don't have any close friends IRL anymore, I sacrificed my social life to take care of her. I have no family to turn to. This..finale happened a couple of days ago. I felt strongly suicidal for a while, but it is fading. I think I'll manage without killing myself, I hope. I'm glad I don't own a gun anymore, sold that too...

Just feels stupid how I've ruined my life for the sake of someone vile like that. It isn't only the heartbreak that is bothering me. It is how my economical situation is totally shitty because I put her first. It went to the point I sold most of furniture for her sake. So I've ruined my life for nothing. I've bust my credit rating, given up my social life, given up everything for....nothing.

I guess I'll live through this, but how long does it take to recover from something like this emotionally? Five years? Then I'll be 35 and have wasted seven years of my life at this shit. I don't think the emotional scars will ever go away; I'll be extremely paranoid now on. I'm a little afraid I'll recover from this all twisted. Become a women-hating recluse, immoral player who avenges on all women what she did to me or something else, perhaps something even worse. I don't know, the fact is, I won't be the same ever again.

Moral of the story is: kids, never trust anyone 100%. Never sacrifice yourself for someone else. NEVER! 
 

[Vector]

Hi, I'm a woman.  Do you hate me?


What you get from this is both experience and knowledge that you did something selfless and good once in your life.  You can't expect any greater reward than that from anything you do--particularly not "insert money, receive perfect woman."  We cannot be bought.  I'm sure it's tough, but you're young (at your age, my father had barely gotten a technical degree after many years spent cleaning parks, and had been on a starvation diet for that entire time--no personal sacrifice necessary to clean out his personal savings, because he didn't have any).  There are bigger mistakes you could make with that amount of money than giving it to someone else.

She doesn't sound like a particularly good person; on the other hand, sudden chronic disease at such a young age can change people.  It doesn't matter what she did, though.  You're responsible for you, for your feelings, and for how you choose to present yourself, despite not being able to control the universe.

The lesson here should not be "never sacrifice," nor should it be "enact revenge on all women because you're feeling particularly petty today."  A person who never sacrifices anything meaningful is a person who doesn't know how to love.  So if you're that worried about being able to move on with your life, move on with it.  Acknowledge your feelings and work to surpass them.  Become greater than you have been from this experience, not less.

[ChairmanPoo]

I think he has a point. Not in the unfair generalization, mind you, but this particular woman did abuse him throughly. It's not a matter of "insert money-get perfect woman": she delliberatedly manipulated him into paying her very expensive medical bills (and beyond!), ruining himself in the process, by appealing to feelings she knew he had, but she was just pretending to have. I don't think he can be seen as anything other than the victim in this particular situation. Which doesn't mean that he should take it out on random female-passer-bys. Or that it's good for him to stay bitter over it.

[GlyphGryph]

I think he realizes that though - he seems to admit that sort of behaviour would be both unproductive and unfair. At the very least, he clearly sees the sort of poison an event like this can set up in a person's mind and treats it as a bad thing.

But what can I see - Just hold on dude. You'll make it through. In the end, 25k isn't really that bad. It's not great, by any stretch of the imagination, and throwing the two wasted years on top of it, you're out a good deal, but it could have been a good deal worse. You've still got your own health. It sounds like you're still employed.

You were hit by a smooth criminal - a disaster in human form. And like any disaster, all you can really try to do is pick up the pieces and move on. If you try really hard, you could probably be pulling things together in a couple months to a year - there's certainly no reason it should take 5 years to recover emotionally unless you let it.

Of course, the experience will always be a part of you, and it will test your resilience, but you need to pick up the pieces and put them back together as best you can.

[Il Palazzo]

So, losing savings, furniture and an abusive girlfriend equates to having one's life ruined? Now that's the tragedy i find hard to believe.

[Shakerag]

Well, that sucks.  Most of my immediate replies ... wouldn't be considered all that constructive, so I think I'll keep them to myself.  I'll just make two notes:

1) Don't be a woman-hater.  Humankind in general is capable of such things, so either hate everyone or just that individual, but please don't tie it to a gender.

2) I'm not sure if I caught an exact time frame here, but have you made *absolutely certain* that this person is no longer listed on any of your financial accounts or has any access/knowledge of your finances?  Make sure she's not still dipping into the till via a back door somewhere. 

So, losing savings, furniture and an abusive girlfriend equates to having one's life ruined? Now that's the tragedy i find hard to believe.

Heh.  I have nearly no furniture and little in the way of savings, so it would be a positive trade on my end.  Too bad it's not that easy. 

[Nadaka]

And yes, being used, manipulated and betrayed by someone you loved absolutely, having them bleed you dry of everything you had and then toss you out like trash while rubbing it in your face that you were nothing to them the whole time? Yea that is having your life ruined.

I've been through similar myself. It is hard. Very hard. I am about 15 or 16 months out from there and slowly recovering. It isn't easy but it does happen.

[rangarkash]

I have actually been in a very similar situation not long ago. Those sorts of "people" always use the same excuses, sickness, rapes, traffic accidents to get you to cough up more money. Funny, in my situation it was also a couple with a few people made-up on the side... Consider yourself fortunate if you no longer have to deal with them. Your actions were the mark of your strong character, take heart in the fact you have proven yourself capable of going to the lengths you have gone through for a loved one and let go of your anger. and be a bit more suspicious of people from now on.

and Vector: stop twisting this matter into some messed up feminist rights crap. Stupidity like that is what fosters misogyny.

[Nadaka]

...
Become a women-hating recluse, immoral player who avenges on all women what she did to me or something else, perhaps something even worse.
...

She has a VERY valid reason to challenge this bit right here without any twisting. That is some dark and dangerous stuff.

[SalmonGod]

I seriously don't see any misogyny in the guy's story.  He mentions very briefly that he could see his own character degrading into a misogynistic one, and that he recognizes that would be a bad thing.  I find this understandable, considering how little time he's had yet to emotionally absorb a pretty huge event.  I think a person in such a situation deserves a period of lenience for things that would be considered bad social form otherwise.  Most people do not think completely straight for a while after emotionally significant events.

Vector.  I say this with love.  You can be way too quick to get aggressive and insensitive towards people for perceived hints of misogyny.

My advice for Sockman:  Don't give yourself up to people so quickly.  Two years isn't really all that long to know a person, in most cases. 

I'm 28, and I've watched everyone I know throw themselves whole-heartedly into spontaneous romances with people who they thought fit every criteria of perfection.  It's ended badly every single time, without exception.  Out of every relationship among everyone I know IRL, mine was seen for years as the one that was doomed to fail.  It's always been rough.  We found each other in incredibly difficult circumstances, full of chaos and pain, and we're total opposites in almost every way.  Yet we've been married longer than anyone else I know under the age of 40 (7 years). 

There are two major differences between my relationship and every other one I've seen.  First, we knew each other for 8 years by the time we got married -- four years online and four years living together.  Second, our relationship was founded on meaningful history, not on meeting each other's criteria for an ideal partner.  In fact, we're both pretty far from each other's ideals.  The significance of this is our history together will never change, while any other criteria are almost guaranteed to change.  We've both supported each other through the lowest points in our lives, even when it meant enduring unkindness.  I've even had a knife turned on me, in the process of preventing a suicide (over issues predating our relationship).  Mere months apart from that incident, she's slept in a hospital room with me for a week, refusing to leave my side for any reason.  Yeah, we're far from some ideal of marital bliss... but we're stable.  We know everything there is to know about each other, which includes exactly when and how much we can depend on one another.  I honestly think it's foolish to emotionally commit oneself 100% to another person in any other case.

Best wishes in moving on.  Don't get jaded over this.  Just get wiser.

[King DZA]

You should stab someone with something.

You also shouldn't follow my advice.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Well, since you're advocating paranoia, which I already have plenty of, I'm going to go ahead and doubt that this actually happened.

[Vector]

and Vector: stop twisting this matter into some messed up feminist rights crap. Stupidity like that is what fosters misogyny.

I'm not quite sure what you're saying here.  You're saying that I'm being stupid, which will cause men to think of all women as stupid, which is stoppable by... being perfect all the time?

Vector.  I say this with love.  You can be way too quick to get aggressive and insensitive towards people for perceived hints of misogyny.

I know.  If I hadn't been pressed for time, I would have explained earlier that a couple of years ago, I thought I hated every man, woman, and child on the planet and that my life was ruined.  It has been kind of screwed up.  I'm still not over it.  I might have had a shot at being great, but I think that's gone now... I can't really stop short-selling myself, or thinking of myself as anything but a failure.  I still try to get through life, day by day.  Hell, I sort of feel dead; what ended up happening was actually a near-death/near-insanity experience.  When you ask me how old I am, the most automatic answer is "twenty," the same age I was back when all that happened.  I can't believe any time has passed, or that I'm even really alive.  While I'm walking around, I end up asking myself: "Am I alive?  Am I dreaming?"  I have nightmares and anxiety problems, where I used to have panic attacks, enormous mood swings, hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, terrible sensory overloads, a psychotic break... I'm not depressed, but I still feel trapped by what I've learned about what people can do to others.  It wasn't as obviously bad as Sockman's issue.  It was a slow undercurrent of beautiful, methodical, ponderous thinking that slowly tore me to shreds and totally obliterated the last bits of dignity I had left after a lifetime of being ostracized.  Unintentionally Vector-customized, a path that somehow managed to deconstruct everything I understood about myself perfectly.

But that's the thing.  Back when I first posted about these things, when I flat-out said "I hate all of humankind and wish everyone would die," someone said "Wait, do you really hate me?" and I somehow was able to slice through a lot of my delusions, there, and begin to look honestly at what was really happening.  I had a powerful sense of relief and fondness for that person, who very gently called me on my shit and helped me see past some of my delusions.  So no, this isn't about misogyny, and it isn't about feminism in general (though I understand why people would assume that).  I also understand that speaking frankly like this may not work for other people, but I tried to give the advice that has helped me and the other people I know best.  Blunt, but as honest as I can be.  Some people find it offensive, and others seem to find it enlightened.  I don't know how Sockman will take it, but I hope it helps somewhat.  I'm doing all I can.

I'm sorry for any confusion.

[SalmonGod]

Ok, yeah.  I'm looking at your comment completely differently now.  Before that personal context, it read like an instigation, as if he struck a nerve with you.

I might have had a shot at being great, but I think that's gone now... I can't really stop short-selling myself, or thinking of myself as anything but a failure.

There's so many things I want to say about this, it's hard to pick one.  Greatness recognized by history books is one thing.  Being appreciated by yourself and those around you is another.  I can relate to a lot of your problems.  Years of ostracism followed by years of life setback by personal drama and unexpected parenthood.  I'm not achieving any of my life goals (yet), but we can't control everything.  We think of greatness in terms of these lofty goals inspired by characters from history books, but then life is full of unexpected challenges that have nothing to do with those goals.  There's greatness enough in enduring those challenges with integrity, and still having the strength left over to make life enjoyable for yourself and those around you.

[Pnx]

I might have had a shot at being great, but I think that's gone now... I can't really stop short-selling myself, or thinking of myself as anything but a failure.

I feel like this all the time, although in my case it feels like it was just delusions of grandeur.

In your case in kind of confuses me, why would you bemoan the loss of an opportunity to be something you already are?


As for Sockman, I could kind of see you walking into that one, you're not the first to be blinded by love into making a bad decision.