Prologue
Ah, I think I have your problem, Levity—prologues serve best if the setting is so vast and is needed in such short notice that the reader must be introduced to it before anything can happen in the story. Based on this chapter, it is comprehensible enough to not need that.
In this case, seemingly they are going to leave the bar, so that description (that I like best) is misplaced effort, and Brigand did not do anything of note there, so she could have met Avery anywhere. If Avery needed to recruit someone in the bar, then it gives the narrative momentum if he traveled to his destination, rather than starting there, at which point the question arises as to why the story does not start after he got his hired help.
James Avery watched as the ale-pump spurted his glass full
The opening paragraph is irrelevant to what occurs next. The first sentence is written in the passive voice, adding to the clumsiness already there from the excessive narration of a glass of ale. The reader does not need to know what Avery paid with.
“all in one smooth movement” seems strange after the lengthy descriptions of what he was doing making it seem less than smooth.
in one movement would convey the same information without
telling the reader that Avery is meant to be viewed as suave, which brings me to my next point:
There is a massive amount of blunt statements as to how the characters are supposed to come across, rather than writing what the characters are doing, so that the reader can draw that conclusion from observation and not just take it from a single adjective.
Show don’t tell, effectively. I have noticed that even the most basic comprehension asked from the audience is enough to them feel that you value their intelligence (on the extreme on end of that is the “left up for interpretation” fog, where someone can connect random dots and praise the author for being a subtle genius, and by proxy oneself).
Much like how two authors will write different stories when given the same premise and restrictions, two members of the audience will view a work differently, if only slightly, that fits better to their understandings. A flat statement that Avery is smooth for paying for his drink while taking it, that is he is debonair as he holds his glass, that he is dashing for bowing, in addition to the issues laid out, can cause a discrepancy in the reader’s mind. Maybe the reader imagined that Avery was
fluid, or
jaunty, or
showy and halts ever so slightly at these ready-made observation presented in their place, perhaps evoking a feeling of being told
how to enjoy the writing in precise detail, akin to telling a writer how to write exactly.
A reoccurring problem is overmuch verbosity: short actions have too many modifiers and add-ons. Levity, you say the pace is too quick, and it is in the sense of providing leisurely lowlife politicking, where caution takes precedence, but I find the problem to be gaps between actions, lacking passages both to progress to the next and to let the previous settle in. Certain sentences should be several because they blend time together.
For example:
“Avery ordered her a whiskey, which she sipped at precisely, measuredly.” How much time passes between Avery asking for a whiskey and Brigand drinking? It reads like a summary: X did Y, which made A do B in a C fashion. It gives the impression that the two stood still and silent waiting for Brigand to start drinking, which seems out of character for both.
‘James Avery, I take it?’ came a rich voice from beside him, and Avery turned to see the woman. Her voice wasn’t just rich, it had a slope to it; as smooth and dark as ink; yet finely textured like ebony wood.
I find this line awkward on account of
“the woman” as if it was established who she is, and the description of her voice having a few too many words,
“ebony wood” in particular is redundant. I do like the description.
For example: ‘James Avery, I take it?’ came a rich voice from beside him
, and Avery turned to see the woman. Her. The voice wasn’t just rich, it had a
slope to it
; as, smooth and dark as ink
; yet, finely textured like ebony
wood.
Something acidic in the woman’s tone made Avery jump upwards
It is confusing that Avery ignores Brigand’s grimace and kisses her hand without prompting, but then is startled by her voice. The description of her voice is awkward after
“she snapped”, it also implies that Avery does not care that she snapped at him, only that she is Brigand, making him seem overly fond of touching people despite their clear disgust as long as they cannot resist.
Avery began to see her in a whole new light.
This is redundant: he physically recoiled once he realized who she was. This should be the point where Avery recalls what he knows about Brigand.
[Description of Brigand]
Did Brigand place her boot against the bar before Avery saw her? Is she leaning with her back to the bar? Why are her boots described but not her clothes? There is quite a difference if she is wearing a dress or a pirate outfit or brigand leather and mail.
Avery reckoned he would be remembering how her voice turned from sensual to cutting for a long time since.
I first read this as that her tone was sensual up until to next time she spoke from here, even though she snapped at him and her tone was caustic before. The construction is still confusing to me.
‘He did,’ Brigand replied. ‘And I have one little problem with it.’
Brigand sounds weak if she waits for what is essentially permission from Avery to say what her problem is with the plan. I presume that this is one of clichés you mention, a movie back-and-forth that is in itself a feeble attempt at building tension.
darkly-funny
A work ending in -ly does not need a hyphen for clarity, as it cannot connect to any word other than the one immediately following it if it is without a hyphen attaching it to the preceding word.
she said, flatly.
There is no need for the comma.
‘And if the rumours that swirl around you are true,’ he retorted. ‘Then the people at this bar don’t realise the danger in their midst.’
This is a single sentence, there should be a comma at the end of the dialog tag so Avery continues speaking and does not stop in the middle.
She’s seen things, terrible things, Avery realised. She’s lived through them.
Are these supposed to be Avery’s thoughts? If so, make it clear with italics.
Avery smiled widely.
This does not tie in with the previous mention of the wide smile. It would work better if it was to the effect of
The wide smile tugged harder, and Avery did not resist this time.I did not notice any archetypes and roles. Maybe that is because I do not read much fantasy, and I saw it as the inevitable criminal den and its local hotshots.