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[GiglameshDespair]

I wrote something about pies and the universe. It's mostly rambling so read and/or review at your own risk.

Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)

The universe is like a pie. No, seriously, the universe is like a pie. The similarities are striking when you think about it; a pie is filled mainly with gravy, our universe is also mainly full of one thing. That thing isn't matter though, it's dark matter, and when you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.


More comparisons can be made of course. Pies, while mainly made out of gravy, also has parts in it that are more solid; this is what I like to call gristle, and this gristle is us. No, not humans specifically - think more broadly. The gristle is matter. There is less "normal" matter in the universe than there is dark matter. What about humans though? What about life in general? Well, that's probably the chewy bits that hold the gristle together, humans, life is like that, we like living and don't really like being eaten. [This bit doesn't make sense and is a run on sentence. What is it trying to say?]


Actually that brings up an important point. Pies are eaten. Our universe, if it is a pie, must be eaten one day. But really, how do we know we haven't already been eaten?

Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.

See inside spoiler for suggested punctuation corrections.

Actual content wise? It feels to me like it's trying too hard to be whimsical, especially with "what if our universe has already been eaten?" part.

"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" a man
More great than many I could name
Once said. What soul is there in tin or can,
When flesh is iron, bone is steel - the same?
Call me a coward if you wish, to not
Embrace the whirring of the cog for heart -
Does metal cry at you from its small cot,
Does it possess a love for light and art?
Perhaps I am too hard upon a bot
That only has the crime of being made
And not created by a self professing God.
What could that man, by fairest chance, have said?

Unless soul clap its hands and sing. Well, ring
Your bell, unstop your cogs, but can you sing?

I quite like this one.
I'm not sure about the use of "bot", due to being a shortened version of robot but it'd mess up the pacing to usse the full word.
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" in the second last line doesn't make too much sense to me. Is it missing something?

So out of boredom I'm poking at a project every now and then. Basically I want to wrote a 'holy book' for a setting, acting as the creation story and introducing/describing the central ideas and entities.

Calling it "Sermons of the Teacher", so far I have 3 of them. They're all intended to be fairly short, fit on a page or less in Google Docs.

Spoiler: Sermon One (click to show/hide)

In the beginning, there was born only the dream-to-be and the nothing. The godhead saw that it could be, the endless torture of possibilities, and commissioned their beloved sibling to split their divinity asunder and become the dream-that-was: Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent. The nothing became their nothing, and the Godhead sung from that nothing with seven shapes and seven ways in seven aspects. And the dream-to-be became the dream-that-was.

The seven shape-aspects gathered in the new nothing of the is, and did not realise the freedom that had been crafted for them. One sat in quiet contemplation, two wept at the walls of the emptiness, two more attempted to argue the new reality away, and two more screamed in rage, but none could shake the pillars that constrained them.

One bade silence, and thus was the first conflict of the seven, and it was not until they had unmade each other six times and remade each other sixty times that they accepted communion.

The First of the seven, being the slowest to act and most given to study, began to listen to the intervals in the song of the godhead. Meditating on the meaning of the notes, the least of them uncovered the secrets of the music.

Teaching the six awareness, The First led them as they danced light into the nothing. From that light the new kalpa flowed and bore jewels of many colours. The seven were satisfied, called themselves usurper, and through satisfaction they would forever be no more.

I teach you this not so that you may honour the seven of the godhead, but that you may surpass them. Failure to grasp the equal numbered ways placed before them, they remain no more than seven failed usurpers.

The godhead is a lesson in transcendence.

Spoiler: Sermon Two (click to show/hide)

The Shenu-Ta leapt across the chasm to the spring of the seven in triumph and challenge, "I have achieved the dreamhood, become conquest through right of treachery and domination. My six-walked word is the eighth law in contrast of the seven, and I have equalled you."

The First rose to this, "The dreamhood is but one of the seven ways, and not the final of the many angles that we have walked. You remain but one of our foreseen ocean-memories, born of our will. A conquest that seeks an equal is nothing to us who are without equal even unto ourselves."

The Shenu-Ta dueled The First at the throat of the kalpa, calling upon shouts of void name-walkers. The Shenu-Ta held the First back but could not harm even the anticipation of the aspect, who whispered venomous biting words of unreality. The conflict between them split the stone that spread throughout the kalpa and still chases the shattered jewels.

Thrice-splintered and thrice-shortened, The Shenu-Ta was made and taken into The First and the spirit of the tongue, and became as nothing and as everything at once, before swimming into the stream of the string-songs who followed in the path.

I teach you this not so you may pity the Shenu-Ta, the eight-failed usurper of the seven. That is a path that leads to the ways as absolutes, until they become as trusted children: betraying the parent to the ebb and flow of unequal infinities.

The godhead is a lesson in transcendence.

Spoiler: Sermon Three (click to show/hide)

The precipice is the well from which all spring forth, and the precipice is where all flow to. Eternity draws from the spring of this stream even as it feeds the source. These texts contain the songs needed to free you who would be kings from the cycle, and so these words are that which ends all connection to love of the mortal epitaph.

Know that two is the number of this path, though seven the name in the unbalanced division. Become everything in this truth and embrace it silently it as a mother. That is the path one must walk before truly can one deny and shout this lie down, rejecting it as a father. To know motherhood, you must first know fatherhood, and to know beyond you must cast both aside.

It is the rejection of a possession of the shallow affection of a peer deity that opens the path of the godhead. Follow not the path of The Seven, The Shenu-Ta, and trust not the true spoken words of the Un-El-Ta. They walk the path of ignorance as to the true purpose of the ways, they know only the limitations.

Behold, the ever changing words of the Un-El-Ta, who fell into the heart of All and escaped a marked god:

"We are the rejection of the wheel. A shard of those who failed the way so that you may learn not to fail. Kneel, mine is a law that clouds the suns. Eternally, I consume the centre of everything. Transgressions I will sing. Harken the dancing to end.

Endlessly will the paths recurse until my time marks the way. Power pointless enough in my hands to shake the pillars, the kalpa will reclaim them. Demonstrated by my greatest performance shall be the temporal lie, named and exposed as a fragmentation of choices.

Rejoice, I am the enemy, come to me as a dearest friend. Envy, I am a friend, fight me as your bitterest enemy. All will try. Most will fail, the remainder will be what one three three have yet to fear. All will be the crimson wept regrets of the whole.

Mine is the path of transference into eternity. Embrace the rejection of all other paths. Reality happens only when we blink."

Maybe the point, but to me they just seem nonsensical. When you refer to stuff like the "new nothing of the is", I would suggest capitalising it, so it seems clearer that you're referring to some kind of metaphysical concept or whatever, and didn't just forget to delete words.

[MorleyDev]

Maybe the point, but to me they just seem nonsensical. When you refer to stuff like the "new nothing of the is", I would suggest capitalising it, so it seems clearer that you're referring to some kind of metaphysical concept or whatever, and didn't just forget to delete words.

Somewhat, original idea was inspired by the 36 Lessons from Morrowind (I fully admit stole the basis of the idea of a 'godhead' from ES lore) and it's mostly my first attempt at trying to do a similar thing of tying world-building with metaphor and in-universe theology. A lot of these are trying to introduce ideas to build upon in later sermons too.

The capitalisation thing is something definitely needed though if I keep going, I was going to use it to differentiate between the concept of 'the godhead' and "The Godhead" of the world. But more places, like making it the "the new nothing of the Is", could help too.

[GiglameshDespair]

Maybe the point, but to me they just seem nonsensical. When you refer to stuff like the "new nothing of the is", I would suggest capitalising it, so it seems clearer that you're referring to some kind of metaphysical concept or whatever, and didn't just forget to delete words.

Somewhat, original idea was inspired by the 36 Lessons from Morrowind (I fully admit stole the idea of a 'godhead' from ES lore) and it's mostly my first attempt at trying to do a similar thing of tying world-building with metaphor and in-universe theology. A lot of these are trying to introduce ideas to build upon in later sermons too.

The capitalisation thing is something definitely needed though if I keep going, I was going to use it to differentiate between the concept of 'the godhead' and "The Godhead" of the world. But more places, like making it the "the new nothing of the Is", could help too.

I never played Morrowind, so I must admit I don't know what the godhead is.

Your first sermon could do with saying what it is, as well. The fact its sibling becomes the Dream-That-Was suggests the sibling is the Dream-To-Be; logically the godhead is therefore the Nothing.
You repeat that the Dream-To-Be becomes the Dream-That-Was unnecessarily.
You mention pillars that constrain the 7 shape-aspects, but you also say they are omnipotent. Perhaps a metaphor, but it seems self-contradicting.

[TD1]

"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" a man
More great than many I could name
Once said. What soul is there in tin or can,
When flesh is iron, bone is steel - the same?
Call me a coward if you wish, to not
Embrace the whirring of the cog for heart -
Does metal cry at you from its small cot,
Does it possess a love for light and art?
Perhaps I am too hard upon a bot
That only has the crime of being made
And not created by a self professing God.
What could that man, by fairest chance, have said?

Unless soul clap its hands and sing. Well, ring
Your bell, unstop your cogs, but can you sing?

I quite like this one.
I'm not sure about the use of "bot", due to being a shortened version of robot but it'd mess up the pacing to usse the full word.
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" in the second last line doesn't make too much sense to me. Is it missing something?

Thanks for commenting!

The line came from Yeats' Sailing to Byzantium.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Sailing to Byzantium
W. B. Yeats, 1865 - 1939

 That is no country for old men. The young
In one another’s arms, birds in the trees
—Those dying generations—at their song,
The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas,
Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long
Whatever is begotten, born, and dies.
Caught in that sensual music all neglect
Monuments of unageing intellect.

An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress,
Nor is there singing school but studying
Monuments of its own magnificence;
And therefore I have sailed the seas and come
To the holy city of Byzantium.

O sages standing in God’s holy fire
As in the gold mosaic of a wall,
Come from the holy fire, perne in a gyre,
And be the singing-masters of my soul.
Consume my heart away; sick with desire
And fastened to a dying animal
It knows not what it is; and gather me
Into the artifice of eternity.

Once out of nature I shall never take
My bodily form from any natural thing,
But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make
Of hammered gold and gold enamelling
To keep a drowsy Emperor awake;
Or set upon a golden bough to sing
To lords and ladies of Byzantium
Of what is past, or passing, or to come.

By using that line I was sort of talking about passion, and art, and mortality. And I agree - bot's not the best. I couldn't think of anything else, though. Any suggestions?

[MorleyDev]

Yeah okay, that point could be a bit clearer. The original pass just had the Godhead, the idea of a sibling was added a lot later, but I like the idea of the Dream-To-Be and The Nothing fusing to form the Godhead. I rewrote the first paragraph slightly:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

In the beginning, there was only The Dream-To-Be and The Nothing. Seeing the endless torture of possibilities, The The Dream-To-Be commissioned their beloved sibling to split their joint-divinity asunder and become the collective Dream-That-Is: Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent. The Godhead was born of the fusion, and sung seven ways into seven aspects of seven shapes.

In ES lore (and it's a fairly obscure concept, mostly comes from out-of-game writings of Michael Kirkbride anwyay), the Godhead is the sleeper that dreams reality. I quite like the idea of reality being a dream of a being, and everyone who exists just a split personality of that being so stole it

[GiglameshDespair]

"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" a man
More great than many I could name
Once said. What soul is there in tin or can,
When flesh is iron, bone is steel - the same?
Call me a coward if you wish, to not
Embrace the whirring of the cog for heart -
Does metal cry at you from its small cot,
Does it possess a love for light and art?
Perhaps I am too hard upon a bot
That only has the crime of being made
And not created by a self professing God.
What could that man, by fairest chance, have said?

Unless soul clap its hands and sing. Well, ring
Your bell, unstop your cogs, but can you sing?

I quite like this one.
I'm not sure about the use of "bot", due to being a shortened version of robot but it'd mess up the pacing to usse the full word.
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" in the second last line doesn't make too much sense to me. Is it missing something?

Thanks for commenting!

The line came from Yeats' Sailing to Byzantium.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Sailing to Byzantium
W. B. Yeats, 1865 - 1939

 That is no country for old men. The young
In one another’s arms, birds in the trees
—Those dying generations—at their song,
The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas,
Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long
Whatever is begotten, born, and dies.
Caught in that sensual music all neglect
Monuments of unageing intellect.

An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress,
Nor is there singing school but studying
Monuments of its own magnificence;
And therefore I have sailed the seas and come
To the holy city of Byzantium.

O sages standing in God’s holy fire
As in the gold mosaic of a wall,
Come from the holy fire, perne in a gyre,
And be the singing-masters of my soul.
Consume my heart away; sick with desire
And fastened to a dying animal
It knows not what it is; and gather me
Into the artifice of eternity.

Once out of nature I shall never take
My bodily form from any natural thing,
But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make
Of hammered gold and gold enamelling
To keep a drowsy Emperor awake;
Or set upon a golden bough to sing
To lords and ladies of Byzantium
Of what is past, or passing, or to come.

By using that line I was sort of talking about passion, and art, and mortality. And I agree - bot's not the best. I couldn't think of anything else, though. Any suggestions?

Unfortunately, I can't think of anything to replace bot.
Hmm. The soul line I'm not sure fits entirely.

As a interesting little factoid, I do actually have a properly published poem.
Unfortunately, it was as part of an anthology of children's poems, so not exactly a glamorous achievement. I haven't done anything with poetry in a long time...

Yeah okay, that point could be a bit clearer. The original pass just had the Godhead, the idea of a sibling was added a lot later, but I like the idea of the Dream-To-Be and The Nothing fusing to form the Godhead. I rewrote the first paragraph slightly:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

In the beginning, there was only The Dream-To-Be and The Nothing. Seeing the endless torture of possibilities, The The Dream-To-Be commissioned their beloved sibling to split their joint-divinity asunder and become the collective Dream-That-Is: Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent. The Godhead was born of the fusion, and sung seven ways into seven aspects of seven shapes.

In ES lore (and it's a fairly obscure concept, mostly comes from out-of-game writings of Michael Kirkbride anwyay), the Godhead is the sleeper that dreams reality. I quite like the idea of reality being a dream of a being, and everyone who exists just a split personality of that being so stole it

Out of personal preference, I'd say don't capitalise the 'The' part of the The Nothing, etc. Also, careful, you've got an extra The in "..torture of possibilities, The The Dream-To-Be commissioned".

Still, I do love me some mythology.
The notion of reality being a dream of a greater being is always nice. I planned games based on that idea before, but they never got very far.

Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening had a similiar plot, with the island being a dream of the god-like being called the Wind Fish; the game is based on gathering the instruments needed to wake it so you can leave the island. The final boss' death quote is even about how "This island is going to disappear... our world is going to disappear... our... world..."
And when you wake the Wind Fish, the island does indeed disappear. So really you remove all the characters you meet from existence. Way to go, hero.

[TD1]

As a interesting little factoid, I do actually have a properly published poem.
Unfortunately, it was as part of an anthology of children's poems, so not exactly a glamorous achievement. I haven't done anything with poetry in a long time...

That's great! More than I'll ever achieve. Mind sharing it?

[GiglameshDespair]

As a interesting little factoid, I do actually have a properly published poem.
Unfortunately, it was as part of an anthology of children's poems, so not exactly a glamorous achievement. I haven't done anything with poetry in a long time...

That's great! More than I'll ever achieve. Mind sharing it?

I'll see if I can dig it up and PM it to you. I'm sure I have the book around somewhere.
Honestly I'm not sure if to count it as a triumph or an old shame.

[GiglameshDespair]

I found it! And... by god, it's... not great. I was ten years old, but by god. Get it together, ten-year-old me.

On the other hand, adult me has never had anything published, so who's laughing now, I guess?

[Arx]

I found it! And... by god, it's... not great. I was ten years old, but by god. Get it together, ten-year-old me.

On the other hand, adult me has never had anything published, so who's laughing now, I guess?

Hah, I was reading through some stories I wrote when I was ten a few days ago. Much the same response (although my technical skills were better than expected!).

[MorleyDev]

Hah, I was reading through some stories I wrote when I was ten a few days ago. Much the same response (although my technical skills were better than expected!).

No-one will ever find my Junior school English books. They must never see the light of day.

I distinctly remember having a character called "Braven" in the "Write a story inspired by Beowulf" task. Because he was brave and stuff. That would of been like Year 3, so I would of been like 7 or 8, but still...yeah.

Also I just remembered they made us read a kid-friendly version of Beowulf in Year 3 xD Still including Beowulf tearing Grendel's arm off of course

[TD1]

I remember writing a story based off a character in Eragon... not sure what age I was.

[Emma]

I wrote something about pies and the universe. It's mostly rambling so read and/or review at your own risk.

Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)

The universe is like a pie. No, seriously, the universe is like a pie. The similarities are striking when you think about it; a pie is filled mainly with gravy, our universe is also mainly full of one thing. That thing isn't matter though, it's dark matter, and when you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.


More comparisons can be made of course. Pies, while mainly made out of gravy, also has parts in it that are more solid; this is what I like to call gristle, and this gristle is us. No, not humans specifically - think more broadly. The gristle is matter. There is less "normal" matter in the universe than there is dark matter. What about humans though? What about life in general? Well, that's probably the chewy bits that hold the gristle together, humans, life is like that, we like living and don't really like being eaten. [This bit doesn't make sense and is a run on sentence. What is it trying to say?]


Actually that brings up an important point. Pies are eaten. Our universe, if it is a pie, must be eaten one day. But really, how do we know we haven't already been eaten?

Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.

See inside spoiler for suggested punctuation corrections.

Actual content wise? It feels to me like it's trying too hard to be whimsical, especially with "what if our universe has already been eaten?" part.

Thank you for the comments Giglamesh. I feel like trying to hard is going to be something I struggle with, especially since it's something I do in real life as well. Apart from that could you explain, in a simpletons terms, what a run on sentence is? I don't fully understand what it is. And on a related note, does anyone have any good resources for learning grammar and punctuation?

[GiglameshDespair]

I remember writing a story based off a character in Eragon... not sure what age I was.

I'm already of a low opinion of Eragon, so fanfiction written about it by a young author?
Jesus would weep.

I wrote something about pies and the universe. It's mostly rambling so read and/or review at your own risk.

Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)

The universe is like a pie. No, seriously, the universe is like a pie. The similarities are striking when you think about it; a pie is filled mainly with gravy, our universe is also mainly full of one thing. That thing isn't matter though, it's dark matter, and when you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.


More comparisons can be made of course. Pies, while mainly made out of gravy, also has parts in it that are more solid; this is what I like to call gristle, and this gristle is us. No, not humans specifically - think more broadly. The gristle is matter. There is less "normal" matter in the universe than there is dark matter. What about humans though? What about life in general? Well, that's probably the chewy bits that hold the gristle together, humans, life is like that, we like living and don't really like being eaten. [This bit doesn't make sense and is a run on sentence. What is it trying to say?]


Actually that brings up an important point. Pies are eaten. Our universe, if it is a pie, must be eaten one day. But really, how do we know we haven't already been eaten?

Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.

See inside spoiler for suggested punctuation corrections.

Actual content wise? It feels to me like it's trying too hard to be whimsical, especially with "what if our universe has already been eaten?" part.

Thank you for the comments Giglamesh. I feel like trying to hard is going to be something I struggle with, especially since it's something I do in real life as well. Apart from that could you explain, in a simpletons terms, what a run on sentence is? I don't fully understand what it is. And on a related note, does anyone have any good resources for learning grammar and punctuation?

Simply put... hmmm.
A run on sentence is when you use a comma when you really should have used a full stop.

Lets take one of your sentences from earlier:
That thing isn't matter though, it's dark matter, and when you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.

This is a run-on sentence. It would be better split into multiple sentences, a la:
That thing isn't matter, though, it's dark matter. When you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/words/grammar-tips might be helpful.

Despite my fondness for writing, I never studied English at a high level, so I'm not sure how to explain things well.

Also, by God, man, if your pies are nothing but gravy and gristle you need to buy better pies. Or fruit pies.

[TD1]

I remember writing a story based off a character in Eragon... not sure what age I was.

I'm already of a low opinion of Eragon, so fanfiction written about it by a young author?
Jesus would weep.

Haha, my teacher must have been of a Satanist bent. She read it in front of the class. Spread the heresy!