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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312920 times)

GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1455 on: August 20, 2015, 06:29:38 pm »

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Act 1- Awoken
Chapter 1- Destination unknown
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Blue is notes, red is suggestions and grammar, green are typos.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1456 on: August 20, 2015, 10:35:50 pm »

Thanks
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1457 on: August 23, 2015, 06:08:08 pm »

In this first life I hold my heart
Upon a silver platter
Driven in by pain
My soul was brought to slaughter.

In my second, cheating was my aim
I stole the sun and sold it to the moon,
But it was over much too soon.

My third, I cursed and cried my fate
And sat beside my window late
To think of how my lives have been
Just one long evil dream.

For number four I thought I'd hold it in,
Keep grief away from all my life
But I was wrong, for life is in itself
A brazen knife.

When it was the time for the fifth,
I fell onto the ground
Gave supplication to the heavens-
They heard not a sound.

Sixth for sin, rebelling from the ground
I rose in hate of all-
My life, my hopes, my dreams and cares-
In such a way all angels fall.

And on my lives in cycle go,
The torture of it all!
And never had I one good name,
For nameless all such angels fall.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1458 on: August 29, 2015, 07:52:25 am »

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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1459 on: August 29, 2015, 10:34:50 am »

^ Wow, that was great! I enjoyed it, reminded me of Hellsing action scenes. Way too tired to actually critique, so just have words of praise for now. :p
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1460 on: August 30, 2015, 07:44:51 am »

Heh, thanks!

Reaction from elsewhere it's got has tended towards the positive. The actual fighting in my writing tends to be over quickly, so I was trying to make it more descriptive without becoming boring.
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1461 on: August 31, 2015, 08:27:38 pm »

Is this worth continuing?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Thanks in advance.
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Emma

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1462 on: August 31, 2015, 08:42:02 pm »

Yes Dwarfy. Of course it is worth continuing, everything you write is worth continuing. But this is even better than usual.

Is this worth continuing.
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1463 on: August 31, 2015, 08:56:59 pm »

I would say so. The names are well chosen - I often find it hard to think of names that are both original and plausible. So, yes, I like it. There is the odd thing, though, like this: “Good. Re-join the regiment mage, I won’t be long,” which I think would be better "Good. Re-join the regiment, mage. I won't be long."

It is very much so worth continuing - I look forward to a description of the Nagthadi.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1464 on: September 01, 2015, 03:18:30 am »

For both of I'd like to say that you probably start speech on its own line. The punctuation could also be improved a bit for both of you. If you want I could have a go through and point out all the bits I'd do differently.

Dwarfy1: few things in particular. Towards the end hunt isn't capitalised. The sword seems to get a lot of focus but isn't really used. The dialogue and the Hunts response don't seem to connect so well: he offers a bargain for flesh and soul, seems to offer neither, and is given a baby? Odd thing for a Hunt to be carrying around, anyway.

Game dragon: feels like you use Raid-Leader too much. In the conversation between RL and Yutar, they're nodding like bobble heads. The characters themselves don't have any description beyond fur-clad, Yutar doesn't even have that.

Also can you two review my thing pls ;_;
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Emma

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1465 on: September 01, 2015, 04:16:42 am »

Also can you two review my thing pls ;_;
Yes, yes we can. Well, I can, I don't know about Dwarfy but I'd assume he can too.


First of all it's really good. Seriously GiglameshDespair, you have some serious writing talent. There were a few bits however, you change tense once (I think) in the piece and that is a little jarring, this
Quote
She leapt after him as he desperately evading, battering
could be this,
Quote
She leapt after him as he desperately evaded, battering
or this,
Quote
She leapt after him as he desperately evading, battered
I don't think a single change of tense matters but it is a little jarring as I said before. This bit,
Quote
oh, he remembered he’d used this at the battle of Chirgowitz
also sounds a bit weird to me, it doesn't really seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the piece. Your writing is excellent for the most part however, and parts like this,
Quote
The cawing of crows was a death knell, ringing for one of them.
make up for any tiny mistakes you may make in my mind.

Gamedragon: feels like you use Raid-Leader too much. In the conversation between RL and Yutar, they're nodding like bobble heads. The characters themselves don't have any description beyond fur-clad, Yutar doesn't even have that.
Thanks for the criticism too! With Raid-Leader do you think that I could fix this by introducing a name at some point? I was trying to go for a sense of authority with people only referring to him by his title but I can see how it could be too much. I can also see what you mean by nodding, reading back over it I don't think I nod that many times in a day let alone a single conversation. If you wouldn't mind, could you go through and point out what you'd do differently? It would be a big help.

I would say so. The names are well chosen - I often find it hard to think of names that are both original and plausible. So, yes, I like it. There is the odd thing, though, like this: “Good. Re-join the regiment mage, I won’t be long,” which I think would be better "Good. Re-join the regiment, mage. I won't be long."

It is very much so worth continuing - I look forward to a description of the Nagthadi.
Thanks Dwarfy! I'm quite happy with the names, usually I just go with something like John or Zach and it doesn't really work.
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sjm9876

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1466 on: September 01, 2015, 05:44:34 am »

@ Gigla: Really good. Took me a minute to realise you weren't abusing metaphors, but I assume that'd be rectified with context.
Otherwise, my only point would be that sometimes (eg. the following:)
She leapt after him as he desperately evading, battering aside the attacks he threw out, ignoring any trivial injuries he managed to inflict.
it can be a bit hard to follow who is doing what to whom.

@ Dwarfy: Like it overall. very nice description. However, it doesn't quite seem to work as well all together. The conversation doesn't seem to flow right, though better practices like having speech on a newline might help there. The focus also feels somewhat off - there's a lot of detail on the scenery and the Hunt, but relatively little on the sword, and even less on the man. Depending what the emphasis of the story is, an adjustment there may help.
(Also, I believe the child was the offering of flesh and soul? Might be worth referring to the child before making that line then - at the moment it isn't clear whether the child is the offer or the result.)

@ Gamedragon: As Gigla said, you need to work a little on your conversation - they don't seem to do much other than nod, and speech from a new character should ideally start on a new line, to emphasise the change of speaker. Also, I would say to try and fit a little more punctuation in the sentences at the start - for example
Quote
Wind bit into the Raid-Leader’s skin even through the various layers of fur and mail he was wearing in order to protect himself from both the cold and the swords of his enemies.
contains what I would say are three separate ideas (maybe two and a half) which seem to run into each other, and might well be better off broken up.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1467 on: September 01, 2015, 08:03:44 am »

Gamedragon: I'll do a go through when I'm off work. Yeah, the evading/ evaded is a typo I must have missed.

Sjm: in the realm of magical combat, metaphors are more dangerois than you might think. :P

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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1468 on: September 01, 2015, 08:29:01 am »


I've used red to highlight some places where I thought the phrasing was ambiguous, awkward, or otherwise confusing.

There are a couple of words you used relatively often ('throw' and derivatives, 'thought'); it's most noticeable in one or two cases where you use them in shortish succession, but it's not oppressive even then.

You could also probably stand to shake up the sentence structure a bit. It's very 'He did/She did/He did', although it's broken up pretty well.

I'll refrain from mentioning the evading/evaded typo again. :P

Otherwise, it's very good.

@Dwarfy and Gamedragon: I'll do your things this evening or so. Pretty busy right now, can only take short breaks.
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1469 on: September 01, 2015, 10:14:56 am »

Thanks for the feedback! Is this any better?
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I loved it. I mean, there is the odd thing, for example this
Quote
and sprang out the way, rapid-firing mind bullets that gouged chunks out of the arms he raised to shield himself.
should probably be "sprang out of the way, rapidly firing mind bullets that gouged chunks out of the arms he raised to shield himself." But that's just personal preference, I suppose, and minor at that - if there had been more, I would have read it happily. It was very engaging, and I especially like how you linked the start to the end, and even made it emotive. Well done.

@Dwarfy and Gamedragon: I'll do your things this evening or so. Pretty busy right now, can only take short breaks.
Thanks for offering to look through it. Needless to say, the edited one is probably the one you should look at :P
« Last Edit: September 01, 2015, 10:25:06 am by Th4DwArfY1 »
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