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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 314449 times)

Generally me

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1440 on: August 05, 2015, 03:32:01 pm »

Spoiler: Rolling a Seven (click to show/hide)

A quick idea that popped into my head. A prologue for a proto-character I have floating in my brain: Nat Twenty, Unluckily the Luckiest Boy in the World.
I loved this.

I like how similar to mythological stories this is.
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1441 on: August 07, 2015, 01:26:06 pm »

Too much dialogue, in my opinion.
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1442 on: August 07, 2015, 02:16:28 pm »

Just an opinion, sorry if I seemed curt. :P

I think the description could be fleshed out a bit more, is all.
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sjm9876

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1443 on: August 07, 2015, 02:27:45 pm »

Yeah, the dialogue seems rather dense. Perhaps reworking the scene slightly so that each person says larger chunks at once might help readability.

That said, I'm not always sure who is saying what. It feels as if some of the speech is split over multiple lines unnecessarily to me.
For example:
Quote
“Alright, I’ll tell you all I know and have heard. He left from the west side of the village, at the crossroads. He went down the south road. He took a couple of big lads with him, as well.” He ran his tongue over his teeth, while searching his questioner’s face.
    “He rode a horse. Bought a wagon, as well as some other things. Provisions, cooking pot, the like. Had a hefty purse on him, too.
    “His sword and shield were both on the wagon, as well as his armor. He-”

I would probably have written:
Quote
“Alright, I’ll tell you all I know and have heard. He left from the west side of the village, at the crossroads. He went down the south road. He took a couple of big lads with him, as well.” He ran his tongue over his teeth, while searching his questioner’s face. “He rode a horse. Bought a wagon, as well as some other things. Provisions, cooking pot, the like. Had a hefty purse on him, too." He paused, waiting to see if that was enough. “His sword and shield were both on the wagon, as well as his armor. He-”

Honestly can't say which is more correct grammatically however.
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kilakan

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1444 on: August 07, 2015, 03:39:11 pm »

The second one is grammtically correct, you don't skip to a new paragraph/line when it's only a single person talking.  It stays as a single paragraph unless they start doing something else physically.  At which case the second paragraph would start off describing what they are then doing, than continue with their speech.

Otherwise, I concur you could make it a longer and more engaging short story by more description of their appearances/demeanor when talking or maybe even do a 'view of the past' style scene where it ticks over to the knight's POV as he rides through town to describe him.  Despite the criticism though it was a very enjoyable read and does make me want to continue reading the story as anything of that type should.
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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1445 on: August 08, 2015, 11:12:11 pm »

^It's much better now, Moonlit. Looking forward to the next part. :)

Spoiler: Fumbled (click to show/hide)

The next bit of my short story.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1446 on: August 08, 2015, 11:58:55 pm »

So I'm going to run a series of games to help tune my writing abilities and make me a better GM.
If any of you would like to lend criticism and take part in a hopefully enjoyable test game I'll be giving a link below.

(I forgot how to do the url things sorry :/ )

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1447 on: August 09, 2015, 04:35:16 pm »

So I'm going to run a series of games to help tune my writing abilities and make me a better GM.
If any of you would like to lend criticism and take part in a hopefully enjoyable test game I'll be giving a link below.

(I forgot how to do the url things sorry :/ )

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Quote from: Example url
Test1: descriptiveness
is
Test1: descriptiveness

But an immediate criticism? Something I think you generally need more of is punctuation. 

Quote
You awaken in your soft bed to the warm glow of the sun through your window's blinds. You pull, or rather push, the sheets off your body and roll out of bed. Your feet land on the coushiny shagg carpet flooring in your room. You lift your arms and let out a yawn. You look down at your wooden night stand to see your alarm clock. The black box has dark red numbers glowing on it's face,"6:23". Looks like you awoke two minutes early. You press the button to turn your alarm off and grab the glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up as you finish off the half full glass of refreshing water. Your throat no longer dry and yourself fully awakened what do you do?

Would read better as

Quote
You awaken in your soft bed, to the warm glow of the sun through your window's blinds. You pull, or rather push, the sheets off your body. Rolling out of bed your feet land on the cushion-y shag carpet flooring in your room. You lift your arms and let out a yawn, looking down at your wooden night stand to see your alarm clock. The black box has dark red numbers glowing on it's face:"6:23". Looks like you awoke two minutes early. You press the button to turn your alarm off, and grab the glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up(What?) as you finish off the half-full glass of refreshing water. Your throat is no longer dry, and you are fully awakened. What do you do?


Really, my advice is don't overdo the descriptions of little things. Similarly, you repeat things: we know you have a glass of water, so you could instead have something like:

Quote
... and grab the half-full glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up as you finish off the drink, the cool liquid refreshing as it flows down your throat.

Don't just describe what you do, or the things around you. What can you hear? What can you smell? Being thirsty or having a dry throat is something that'd he'd probably notice immediately, or he would notice on seeing the drink. Say so! If you look back a few posts, what I told Generally Me applies to you as well.
A sentence will always end with punctuation, even if it's speech.

"It tastes like being old," he muttered, upon tasting the Kendall Mint Cake. will have a comma, unless it has an exclamation point or is a question.
He tasted the Kendall Mint Cake, muttering "This tastes like being old." will similarly have a full stop unless as above.

In sum: more punctuation, and be careful of spelling errors, as well. They do happen, but look up words you're uncertain how to spell.

Don't know what you meant by 'Bottoms up', either.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1448 on: August 09, 2015, 04:43:24 pm »

Bottoms up meant he chugged the water. Something I do with my water bottle most mornings as I usually wake up with a dry throat. Chugging a bottle of water helps and I usually jokingly think "bottoms up".

And yes I need to work on punctuation as well as spelling errors (and auto corrects).
Thank you for the advice :)

Edit: the absence of smells was intentional, as will be revealed the character has pretty bad allergies and as such a clogged nose most of the times that hinders ability to smell though lack of sounds was unintentional. Not really sure what sounds one would hear at 6:30 in the suburbs? Dogs barking?
« Last Edit: August 09, 2015, 04:46:25 pm by Cryxis, Prince of Doom »
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1449 on: August 09, 2015, 08:01:09 pm »

Birdsong. The humming of electronics. Distant traffic. Nothing.

Something like a blocked nose or a dry throat are immediate, noticeable things. Mention them. Don't say nothing, as then at best it comes off as clumsy, at worst as a excuse scraped up later.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1450 on: August 09, 2015, 08:09:07 pm »

Being someone who constantly lives with a flogged/useless nose it's not really a noticeable thing any more :/
Though you are correct with the dry throat and I do need to add more senses than just sight
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1451 on: August 09, 2015, 08:29:51 pm »

You are not, however, just writing yourself (I hope).

You are trying to show, rather than tell, and if that means the protagonist's nose feels particularly blocked today enough to comment on it, it is so - if you understand? You're aiming to describe, but aim to show through the protagonist's actions and thoughts what's happening rather than a straight up dictation of events.

Add human elements. People are machines. They'll stretch, shift their weight, rub their eyes, click joints, stare out the window for a moment (an opportunity to drop a quick outline of where they are)

I don't even have a sense of smell, but I still try to include it in my writing, because most people do have one. Whether the air smells stale from a warm night, or fresh and cool from the open window, include it.

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taldarus

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1452 on: August 09, 2015, 08:46:54 pm »

Just wanted to contribute to the writing apprenticeship page. Did this little exercise as quickly as I could. Maybe took twenty minutes to write and think it out.

I started with a single sentence, and attempted to use as many words as possible to describe it. No polish or anything, just a practice piece. I remember Ray Bradbury said something about the senses being vital for a reader to connect with a piece. I realized that to describe a simple object, but trying to avoid actually saying what it is very difficult. Yet it is excellent practice.

I have done this exercise many times, changing the object every time; but I still haven't succeeded.

Start:
A box.

Result:
The air barely stirred. It drifted lazily across the cool dark space. A gentle breeze managed to stir a fine layer of dust into the air. The elevated dust drifted along, until it was split by an edge. The separated dust slid along two even flat surfaces, until the surfaces ended. The dust had passed a small gray box.

The box was smooth and polished, sitting upon a once polished oak table. The table was now long covered in dust, but the box did not show a hint of dust. Age and time had touched everything in the space, but for the box.

It was not a well made thing, it had nothing to distinguish itself. There were no jewels or fine metals, and there were no engravings. Nothing said that the box was significant, but for the fact that time passed it by without comment.
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1453 on: August 11, 2015, 03:42:31 pm »

Give me an hour, I'd take all time
To put down on paper what I feel for you.
You want a sentence, I'll give rhyme
That gives your nature true.

Yes, so the poet often says
Then writes a ream of lies,
Written with the blood of honest men,
Drenched in the tears of the wise.

But no, I am not lying,
For you are not the world to me.
If you're not here the heavens may still soar,
And there's a music in "I" as well as "we."

But I attest, the time I have spent best
Was often at your side - you are not
Perfect, but you're not like the rest
And I praise God for what we've got.

You are not the most beautiful flower in the world,
And yet the rose seems drab to me
When in the same room as you,
As if its colours were set free.

And no, your hair does not shimmer like satin
Nor do your lashes seem a bower,
But still, all such beauties are much the same
Compared to such a rare-found flower.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1454 on: August 18, 2015, 10:43:14 pm »

Collapse:
Act 1- Awoken
Chapter 1- Destination unknown
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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