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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312789 times)

Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1425 on: July 23, 2015, 09:33:36 am »

I was getting there. I just have a small problem with reviewing more than one story at a time (which is ridiculous): my phone lags out if I try to edit a post containing more than a couple of short paragraphs. Yeah.
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Calidovi

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1426 on: July 23, 2015, 09:38:25 am »

I was getting there. I just have a small problem with reviewing more than one story at a time (which is ridiculous): my phone lags out if I try to edit a post containing more than a couple of short paragraphs. Yeah.

Yeah, sorry. I was slightly irritated that there were critics about but my work wasn't being reviewed, but I guess that's my selfish side taking over. Forgive me.
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sjm9876

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1427 on: July 23, 2015, 10:06:06 am »

-snip-
Hadn't actually read that far back.

Reading over it, the one thing that springs most to mind is that at the start I'm not really sure who's speaking.
Otherwise, nice :) (I'm assuming you're going for very strong accents, if not you may want to tone them down a touch :P )
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Calidovi

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1428 on: July 23, 2015, 10:10:40 am »

-snip-
Hadn't actually read that far back.

Reading over it, the one thing that springs most to mind is that at the start I'm not really sure who's speaking.
Otherwise, nice :) (I'm assuming you're going for very strong accents, if not you may want to tone them down a touch :P )

Thanks, I'll clarify the dialogue in the original.

Yeah, I wanted to make strong accents, but you let me realize that my words shifted from accented to idiosyncratic.
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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1429 on: July 23, 2015, 01:49:15 pm »

Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)

I've highlighted some points in green. The first is where the description of his teeth struck me as odd - it almost seems to imply that he can point his teeth at will, which is weird.

The second is where your choice of words seemed a bit weird. I'm not sure what you mean by his contract 'arguing against it', and 'technically for the law'.

It seems to me 'drunkedly' should be 'drunkenly', but eh. Lastly, I assume that's a typo and it should be 'Wilson'.

Also, you could profitably make it clear that some of those are Wilson thinking to himself, preferably by italicising the way you did the last line. I thought you had some tense confusion going on on my second read-through, and then looked more closely and saw it was apparently his thoughts.

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Generally me

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1430 on: July 23, 2015, 05:02:34 pm »

Tried to make something sad and kinda wild westy. I feel like i failed, but at least i tried.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Calidovi

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1431 on: July 23, 2015, 07:56:55 pm »

Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)

I've highlighted some points in green. The first is where the description of his teeth struck me as odd - it almost seems to imply that he can point his teeth at will, which is weird.

The second is where your choice of words seemed a bit weird. I'm not sure what you mean by his contract 'arguing against it', and 'technically for the law'.

It seems to me 'drunkedly' should be 'drunkenly', but eh. Lastly, I assume that's a typo and it should be 'Wilson'.

Also, you could profitably make it clear that some of those are Wilson thinking to himself, preferably by italicising the way you did the last line. I thought you had some tense confusion going on on my second read-through, and then looked more closely and saw it was apparently his thoughts.

Thanks for the help. I'm not a very talented writer, but it's something that interests me.

EDIT: After reviewing the things, I'd agree that this is laden with typos, something I should of reviewed. Some of the things like the pointed teeth make more sense in context, but not I agree that I need to get started on some hefty rewording. Dialogue is not my strong point.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2015, 08:07:27 pm by Laptisen »
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Twinwolf

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1432 on: July 24, 2015, 07:54:46 pm »

PTW. Haven't written anything yet, but I might at some point.
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sjm9876

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1433 on: July 25, 2015, 01:14:23 pm »


Not sure if the story in my brain got across right.
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My dreams are not unlike yours - they long for the safety, and break like a glass chandelier.
But there's laughter and oh there is love, just past the edge of our fears.
And there's chaos when push comes to shove, but it's music to my ears.

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Avis-Mergulus

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1434 on: July 27, 2015, 04:10:13 pm »

I have a question regarding the content guidelines for this thread.

I've been doing a little translation project recently - just to see if I could. It's a fairly well-known Russian sci-fi/children's books writer - Wikipedia assures me there's been translations into English, but I haven't been able to find any for the life of me, so I selected one of his short stories for a little exercise - I was interested if I could manage to coherently and correctly translate a piece of literature in full. The work is going swimmingly for now, but I would very much appreciate if somebody could do a little quality check on it and tell me if anything seems off. There is zero original content of my own in it, so I'm not sure if it's appropriate for this thread. It was the closest topic I could find, and it could be said that I'm working on my literary skills with it - so, would it be proper for me to post it here?
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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1435 on: July 27, 2015, 06:29:03 pm »

Of course!
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1436 on: July 30, 2015, 06:20:41 pm »

A religious snippet based on the same world as my previous snippet.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1437 on: July 30, 2015, 06:36:43 pm »

Nice, I like it! Very authentic sounding.

Another poem:
The woman I love will have green eyes
As wide and open as the skies
And in her hands she'll hold my heart
Wrap't in the flaming bands of love
- Though it would hurt me, I'd submit
To have my heart treated thus so
For she will be all I know of above,
And all I'd care for from below.
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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1438 on: August 05, 2015, 07:47:19 am »

Spoiler: Rolling a Seven (click to show/hide)

A quick idea that popped into my head. A prologue for a proto-character I have floating in my brain: Nat Twenty, Unluckily the Luckiest Boy in the World.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2015, 09:14:23 am by Cheesecake »
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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1439 on: August 05, 2015, 07:52:33 am »

Um, can I write here, and get feedback? Is that what this's for?

Yup, it is!
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I wish I could unwatch a thread because every time I look at this I can feel myself dying faster
Dying of laughter?
Dying of pure unbridled hatred, actually.
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