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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312788 times)

Emma

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1410 on: July 21, 2015, 05:37:44 pm »

It could use a pass for typos and grammar ('its' possesive doesn't take an apostrophe, for instance).

Remember to show, not tell. Especially with the greenery - rather than adding a statement about it, mention that the bushes were 'lush' or 'thriving' (or such a term) and let the implications fill the reader in.

The most useful thing to do in almost every situation is to read, and think about what the author is doing and why they do it. Look for good books, especially in styles and genres you don't read much.

Thank you! Yeah, I need to get a little better at grammar and going over my work would probably help with that. With show not tell are there certain cases in which you should tell and not show?

Here's another story about magic and spells.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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FallacyofUrist

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1411 on: July 21, 2015, 06:00:28 pm »

Short but sweet. I like it.
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Calidovi

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1412 on: July 21, 2015, 09:33:34 pm »

Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)

I'm not the best and I would've written more if I had the time, but could you all weigh in? It's unfinished and unpolished, I know, but could you all judge it from what is there?

EDIT: No critique?  :'(
« Last Edit: July 22, 2015, 09:05:54 pm by Laptisen »
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Emma

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1413 on: July 21, 2015, 10:44:05 pm »

Spoiler: Generally Me feedback (click to show/hide)

  • Green is where you had the wrong tense. You had a mixture of past and present tense. As you start in past, I took the liberty of correcting it all to past tense. Don't mix your tenses! It makes the whole thing look messy.
  • Red indicates a grammatical error or generally stilted writing.
  • Blue indicates odd word choice. The first "Owwww." seems odd, and stumbling onto your feet from sitting odd doesn't sit right as generally stumbling is falling over. I'm not sure what you were going for with "gripped my legs". Did you mean it literally, or...?
Err... I may have forgotten to add my 2 cents. I agree with this critique for the most part, probably because it's good critique, but I actually disagree with the part about gripped. To me that made sense and while that may be because I read the discussion further on it still made sense to me. Anyway, make sure you capitalise the letters at the start of a sentence and practice and you'll be right.

Short but sweet. I like it.

Thanks!
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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1414 on: July 22, 2015, 11:45:01 am »

It could use a pass for typos and grammar ('its' possesive doesn't take an apostrophe, for instance).

Remember to show, not tell. Especially with the greenery - rather than adding a statement about it, mention that the bushes were 'lush' or 'thriving' (or such a term) and let the implications fill the reader in.

The most useful thing to do in almost every situation is to read, and think about what the author is doing and why they do it. Look for good books, especially in styles and genres you don't read much.

Thank you! Yeah, I need to get a little better at grammar and going over my work would probably help with that. With show not tell are there certain cases in which you should tell and not show?

Here's another story about magic and spells.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This is nice. It might be improved a little by some more variation in diction, but it's good as it stands.

As for telling not showing- All I can say is to play it by ear. If it seems right to go with a more deliberate style, do.



Alright, confession time: I'm stuck in a terrible writing rut. I can't seem to come up with anything fresh that sparks my imagination and lets me write it out nicely. Anyone have any suggestions, advice, past experience, etcetera?
« Last Edit: July 22, 2015, 01:47:24 pm by Arx »
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1415 on: July 22, 2015, 02:11:19 pm »

Reviews, please.


Arx: have you tried prompt generators, and writing something based on what they give you? If you really can't come up with anything even then... don't worry. Just take a break from writing for a while, and when you feel like writing again, give it another go.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2015, 02:41:31 pm by GiglameshDespair »
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Generally me

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1416 on: July 22, 2015, 02:39:07 pm »

My only criticism is that there is a lot of He's. Sometimes you didn't need them and other times it just took away from the writing, other than that I really liked it.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1417 on: July 22, 2015, 02:40:23 pm »

Yeah. I didn't give any name to the protagonist, and that would've cut down on the 'he' a lot.
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1418 on: July 22, 2015, 03:30:40 pm »

Driving past a bridge in the lake district. Bonus points to me- I wrote it on my phone. I'm not phonedextrous :P
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Needless to say, it's not literal.
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adwarf

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1419 on: July 22, 2015, 03:31:42 pm »

I ended up writing this when I was writing lore for a setting I'm working on, and figured I'd share it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1420 on: July 22, 2015, 03:44:16 pm »

I ended up writing this when I was writing lore for a setting I'm working on, and figured I'd share it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Your sentences tend to run on. It'd read smoother with more punctuation.

For example:
There once was a King who ruled a prosperous land that was the envy of all other rulers, it was a peaceful land and the people loved their young King who governed them with wisdom, and kindness no matter their standing.
reads better as
There once was a King who ruled a prosperous land that was the envy of all other rulers. It was a peaceful land, and the people loved their young King - who governed them with wisdom and kindness, no matter their standing.

A few bits are odd. You describe him often as a young king, but also that he ruled his people "for so long". I don't think you should have repeated "ash and embers". Use ash, then embers in the next, and it'd probably be better.

A bit clunky, but decent. Just needs a bit of shaping up.



-----

Edit: as requested. I didn't change too much words-wise, since it is your writing, but I did alter a little.
Spoiler: Full go through (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: July 22, 2015, 04:05:26 pm by GiglameshDespair »
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UXLZ

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1421 on: July 22, 2015, 06:37:24 pm »

Run-on sentences can be used for specific effect, though in this case I don't think that's the intention. (Cormac McCarthy - All the Pretty Horses, there are passages with more than eight 'and's)

A small Haiku since I don't have time to write anything else. I may have already put this one in here (or something extremely similar) though, I can't remember.

Silence! Still your breath.
Beneath the waves, this trembling.
Dead things in the deep.
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1422 on: July 22, 2015, 08:25:22 pm »

Driving past a bridge in the lake district. Bonus points to me- I wrote it on my phone. I'm not phonedextrous :P
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Needless to say, it's not literal.
That's really good.
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sjm9876

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1423 on: July 23, 2015, 09:00:00 am »

@ Gigla. Pretty nice. Only real complaint is the phrase 'rolling more desperately' - doesn't really sound right to me. May be something to do with the fact you haven't referenced any rolling elsewhere.

@ Dwarfy. Very nice. Can't really comment in depth sadly, as poetry isn't my thing.

Anyway, as I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing, random prompt story inbound.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

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Calidovi

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1424 on: July 23, 2015, 09:29:10 am »

Sorry if I irritate anyone, but I'll try this again.

Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)

I'm not the best and I would've written more if I had the time, but could you all weigh in? It's unfinished and unpolished, I know, but could you all judge it from what is there?
« Last Edit: July 23, 2015, 10:15:49 am by Laptisen »
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