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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 313904 times)

GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1110 on: December 01, 2014, 07:28:42 pm »

I liked it.
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Fniff

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1111 on: December 03, 2014, 03:03:25 pm »

I was thinking of publishing this on Fictionpress or a similar website. It would be part of a collection of similar stories. Criticism would be welcome.

TheCritsyBear

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1112 on: December 03, 2014, 04:14:15 pm »

d
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 02:32:10 am by TheCritsyBear »
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1113 on: December 03, 2014, 04:29:33 pm »

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I don't think "Quiet was the scene" fits in this story, it sounds slightly like it's...a play? I don't know, but it felt different when I was reading it.

Also, I'm slightly confused by your change in tense...was it intentional?
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Fniff

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1114 on: December 03, 2014, 04:41:23 pm »

Fniff, your story was brilliant. I had only intended to read a paragraph or two, but your way of writing had me hooked. Either that can be exactly what you wanted to hear or it could frustrate you as it doesn't facilitate genuine constructive criticism.
That's extremely nice of you, thanks. The writing style in that was like a fairy tale. Or at least, it tried to be like one. A dry and matter-of-fact description of a terrible and unusual event.
As to your story, I would say it's intriguing. However, your adverbs could use work. I can't imagine someone "lovingly connecting a wire", for instance. Perhaps you should engage in the exercise of not using adverbs at all. I haven't engaged in it myself, but it can clean the writing up if it's a little cluttered.

TheCritsyBear

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1115 on: December 03, 2014, 04:57:54 pm »

d
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 02:32:34 am by TheCritsyBear »
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1116 on: December 03, 2014, 05:03:32 pm »

Yep, you're allowed.

Also, no need for a better phrase, just change the current one slightly.

"The room was quiet, deathly so." etc.

I have to say though, my thought on the "Quiet was the scene" is just an opinion. If you think it works, it may well do.
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TheCritsyBear

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1117 on: December 03, 2014, 05:11:14 pm »

d
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 02:32:50 am by TheCritsyBear »
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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1118 on: December 04, 2014, 03:57:22 am »

A humble but open room, far withdrawn from the vast coldness of space. Even still, little sound was heard amongst the artificial ambiance that its equipment created, as the room was scarcely occupied by a living soul.

This is really confusingly phrased now. "Humble but open" implies that they are mutually exclusive, but intuitively they're not. Either more detail or less is needed, I think.
The second sentence is also quite convoluted - "Even still" seems a little redundant to me, and "the artificial ambiance" is very vague. Is it a gentle background hum, everything being bathed in a coloured light, or what?
"scarcely occupied by a living soul" implies, to me, not that there are few living people in the room but that the people in the room are barely alive. That could just be me, though.

That's all a varying degree of opinion. I am not everyone, etc.



As for posting content without criticising, that's fine, as is responding to criticism. The main rule of the thread seems to be "be reasonable and constructive", so as long as you're being civil, being reasonable, and furthering someone's writing skill (your own included) it's all good.
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TheCritsyBear

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1119 on: December 04, 2014, 04:15:08 am »

d
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 02:33:10 am by TheCritsyBear »
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hops

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1120 on: December 06, 2014, 05:45:07 am »

Have this stupid thing I wrote for /r/writingprompts

Spoiler: You're Interesting (click to show/hide)
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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1121 on: December 06, 2014, 01:53:18 pm »

I actually really liked it. Surreal!

Just fix up the grammar ("Does your friends" and a couple of others) and put the dialogue on new lines, so it's technically perfect and it'll be excellent.
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hops

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1122 on: December 06, 2014, 08:12:07 pm »

I actually really liked it. Surreal!

Just fix up the grammar ("Does your friends" and a couple of others) and put the dialogue on new lines, so it's technically perfect and it'll be excellent.
I already formatted it, but reddit broke it.
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1123 on: December 09, 2014, 05:32:51 pm »

Here is my first attempt at writing a character with severe mental illnesses. In this case, dissociative personality disorder, retrograde amnesia, anterograde amnesia and hallucinations. It was written using the above prompt created by Piecewise's Mechanical Muse and partially based off of Perplexicon.

Spoiler: A Scarlet Cloak (click to show/hide)

Was I being too vague in it about certain details and what exactly the entities involved are?
« Last Edit: December 09, 2014, 05:37:59 pm by Empiricist »
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1124 on: December 13, 2014, 07:16:16 pm »

Just thought of a fanfictioney thing

In the hobbit it mentions one of bilbo's ancestors clubbing a goblins head off down a rabit hole
What if when alive went down chasing the rabit she found a goblin head rolling out a seperate hole and followed the blood trail back up into the LOTR universe
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