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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312843 times)

TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #870 on: September 11, 2014, 05:15:43 pm »

Add in the forbidden love, and you've got a fully-fleshed character :P

But Lelldorin was foolish, but admirably patriotic. Often too patriotic, but that doesn't mean it didn't add a certain depth to him which his personality didn't.

He was a privileged bastard at first, but he soon learned from looking at the serfs, that they needed help. He was as loyal as the Knight, and he had a character that was slightly more realistic than Mandorallen, to me. He wasn't so suicidal-seeming, anyway :P

Where Mandorallen was as firm as a rock in his intentions, and in fact seemed very inflexible, Lelldorin seemed to learn, and change as he went.
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mastahcheese

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #871 on: September 11, 2014, 05:43:40 pm »

Funny.
I actually thought I did a bad job of introducing Matthius the sixth, compared to the later things he's supposed to do.

That said, I've not read whatever you're talking about. What's it called?
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #872 on: September 11, 2014, 09:23:10 pm »

Five books. It's older than dirt. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Belgariad

Add in the forbidden love, and you've got a fully-fleshed character :P

But Lelldorin was foolish, but admirably patriotic. Often too patriotic, but that doesn't mean it didn't add a certain depth to him which his personality didn't.

He was a privileged bastard at first, but he soon learned from looking at the serfs, that they needed help. He was as loyal as the Knight, and he had a character that was slightly more realistic than Mandorallen, to me. He wasn't so suicidal-seeming, anyway :P

Where Mandorallen was as firm as a rock in his intentions, and in fact seemed very inflexible, Lelldorin seemed to learn, and change as he went.
Uhhhh, how much of the five volume series did you actually read?
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TD1

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #873 on: September 12, 2014, 11:10:36 am »

All of it.

As said before, it was quite a while ago. I can remember which characters I liked, and most of the important parts of the plot.

I suppose I'm forgetting some important point on Lelldorin, then?
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #874 on: September 13, 2014, 01:48:55 pm »

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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #875 on: September 15, 2014, 11:19:41 pm »

I'm new to writing so critique all you want on this one
It's a story I've wanted to write for a while and havnt been able to so here goes ( this is only a tie bit of the whole that I want to eventualy finish)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #876 on: September 15, 2014, 11:36:09 pm »

Quote
"..chest/neck.."
You can't write it like that when it's someone's dialogue. That's bad narration.

"Makeshift", in the sense you were using, is a single word. You wrote "claps" but probably meant "clamp" since he was talking about stopping some bleeding.

Also this:
Quote
A deep raspy voice, " Ok darling send them in" the computer monitor is shut off.

Should probably look something more like this:
Quote
A deep, raspy voice. "Okay darling, send them in." The computer monitor is shut off.

And there's more bits like that scattered throughout. Lots of grammatical errors, most notable the punctuation.

Overall it's pretty light on description. Where are these characters who are being told the story? Is Uncle Tom telling a story to a bunch of kids while sitting in a blank white room furnished only by a single chair, a desk and a computer? The computer monitor is shut off, how is it shut off? Does he push a button? Does he wave his hand in front of it? What surface is the jeep driving on? Is it bumpy? Is the sun out? Is it raining? Are they even outside? You need more little things. Details make a story more fun to read.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2014, 11:46:11 pm by GUNINANRUNIN »
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hops

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #877 on: September 15, 2014, 11:39:14 pm »

I'm too tired to make a full analysis, but I want to note that the story looks like a textbook example of people with active imagination wanting to convey their story verbatim. By that I mean you are relaying the information to the reader while visualizing it in your mind, and because you are in the event you forget that other people can't see the details and end up forgetting to describe the important bits.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #878 on: September 16, 2014, 06:33:50 am »

Thanks for the feed back


As for low detail while in the jeep ride, the person was I between comatose so I wanted the detail to match what he could notice 
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #879 on: September 16, 2014, 10:51:21 am »

Thanks for the feed back


As for low detail while in the jeep ride, the person was I between comatose so I wanted the detail to match what he could notice
Yeah, so maybe detail the feelings he was having in his partially conscious state. Unless you're dead, you're always thinking or dreaming or imagining something.
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Cryxis, Prince of Doom

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #880 on: September 16, 2014, 11:09:56 am »

Continuation
feed back wanted
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Will continue later
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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #881 on: September 16, 2014, 11:33:40 am »

Much much better. Also try to write in larger chunks, otherwise you'll have continuity issues.
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mastahcheese

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #882 on: September 16, 2014, 02:17:27 pm »

Meant to make this one longer, but I'll go ahead and post this bit anyway, before I forget.

Spoiler: Fifth Fragment (click to show/hide)
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Arx

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #883 on: September 16, 2014, 02:26:01 pm »

Continuation
feed back wanted
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Will continue later

Going good, but there are always improvements! It looks to me (feel free to disagree, guys like Draignean if you're reading this thread, because you're more experienced than me) like you need to show more and tell less. Don't describe everything as "There were..." "The <item> was...", but rather try to let the reader fill in some details.

Rather than saying "There was a dais in the middle of the room; there was a very dusty cube on it." all the time, go for "I reached up onto the dais in the middle of the room, retrieving the dust-coated cube."

If I can't explain it, TVTropes might. Keep it up!
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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #884 on: September 16, 2014, 02:48:27 pm »

Ok
just found out I have more time to write sooooo
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