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[TD1]

Add in the forbidden love, and you've got a fully-fleshed character

But Lelldorin was foolish, but admirably patriotic. Often too patriotic, but that doesn't mean it didn't add a certain depth to him which his personality didn't.

He was a privileged bastard at first, but he soon learned from looking at the serfs, that they needed help. He was as loyal as the Knight, and he had a character that was slightly more realistic than Mandorallen, to me. He wasn't so suicidal-seeming, anyway

Where Mandorallen was as firm as a rock in his intentions, and in fact seemed very inflexible, Lelldorin seemed to learn, and change as he went.

[mastahcheese]

Funny.
I actually thought I did a bad job of introducing Matthius the sixth, compared to the later things he's supposed to do.

That said, I've not read whatever you're talking about. What's it called?

[Parsely]

Five books. It's older than dirt. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Belgariad

Add in the forbidden love, and you've got a fully-fleshed character

But Lelldorin was foolish, but admirably patriotic. Often too patriotic, but that doesn't mean it didn't add a certain depth to him which his personality didn't.

He was a privileged bastard at first, but he soon learned from looking at the serfs, that they needed help. He was as loyal as the Knight, and he had a character that was slightly more realistic than Mandorallen, to me. He wasn't so suicidal-seeming, anyway

Where Mandorallen was as firm as a rock in his intentions, and in fact seemed very inflexible, Lelldorin seemed to learn, and change as he went.

Uhhhh, how much of the five volume series did you actually read?

[TD1]

All of it.

As said before, it was quite a while ago. I can remember which characters I liked, and most of the important parts of the plot.

I suppose I'm forgetting some important point on Lelldorin, then?

[Parsely]

Spoiler: ACTUAL SPOILERS for the Belgariad (click to show/hide)

For both of them, yes. Mandorallen grows out of being a single-minded git (mostly) by the fifth book, but this character growth was initiated slowly over the course of the whole series. Lelldorin is still dumb but he demonstrates what he can do when he is being sensible when he rallies all the nobles of his country for Ce'Nedra's speech which leads to them getting the Mimbrate knights as well as the Asturian archers for the campaign at the end of the story.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

I'm new to writing so critique all you want on this one
It's a story I've wanted to write for a while and havnt been able to so here goes ( this is only a tie bit of the whole that I want to eventualy finish)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

In Search of Sanctuary: a roll to dodge story

A large black computer screen flickers on with a subtle glow.
Dark green text begins to appear as someone starts typing.

Name: Thomas Stahl
Age: 23
Height: 5'11"
Weight: Who's asking
Hair: Brown
Skin: White
Eyes: Green
The typing stops as foot steps are heard and the door to the dark computer room opens shining light into the area, a woman's voice is heard, " Tom,  the children are here to listen to your story."
A deep raspy voice, " Ok darling send them in" the computer monitor is shut off.
A little girl looks at the weathered man," Uncle Tom, are you going to tell us how you found sanctuary?"
"Yes, that is what you kids wanted to hear right. A heroic tale of how your uncle found his way home."
All seven of the children simultaneously,"Yes please!"
Uncle Tom begins," My memory is a bit spotty and I still don't remember to this day what happened but I still have memories of my transport to the hospital"

There were three men, one driving the jeep, one operating on some kind of wound on my chest/neck, and a third helping that man. I remember being in a daze and the driver screaming back, " is he dead yet?!?" With the operator ignoring him," I need the claps now, if I don't stop the bleeding this man will die" and the man helping him reaching over me, whole arm shaking in fear. Then I blacked out. I woke back up and they were dragging me out of the jeep on some sort of make shift stretcher but they dropped me and my head hit the curb and I blacked out again.

I awoke in a hospital room with bandages on my chest and a heart monitor beeping slowly, this is when my adventure began.

[Parsely]

"..chest/neck.."

You can't write it like that when it's someone's dialogue. That's bad narration.

"Makeshift", in the sense you were using, is a single word. You wrote "claps" but probably meant "clamp" since he was talking about stopping some bleeding.

Also this:

A deep raspy voice, " Ok darling send them in" the computer monitor is shut off.

Should probably look something more like this:

A deep, raspy voice. "Okay darling, send them in." The computer monitor is shut off.

And there's more bits like that scattered throughout. Lots of grammatical errors, most notable the punctuation.

Overall it's pretty light on description. Where are these characters who are being told the story? Is Uncle Tom telling a story to a bunch of kids while sitting in a blank white room furnished only by a single chair, a desk and a computer? The computer monitor is shut off, how is it shut off? Does he push a button? Does he wave his hand in front of it? What surface is the jeep driving on? Is it bumpy? Is the sun out? Is it raining? Are they even outside? You need more little things. Details make a story more fun to read.

[hops]

I'm too tired to make a full analysis, but I want to note that the story looks like a textbook example of people with active imagination wanting to convey their story verbatim. By that I mean you are relaying the information to the reader while visualizing it in your mind, and because you are in the event you forget that other people can't see the details and end up forgetting to describe the important bits.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Thanks for the feed back


As for low detail while in the jeep ride, the person was I between comatose so I wanted the detail to match what he could notice 

[Parsely]

Thanks for the feed back


As for low detail while in the jeep ride, the person was I between comatose so I wanted the detail to match what he could notice

Yeah, so maybe detail the feelings he was having in his partially conscious state. Unless you're dead, you're always thinking or dreaming or imagining something.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Continuation
feed back wanted

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

As the fogginess faded and my consciousness came back I studied the room, noticing that my whole body was numb. The ceiling held two long lights that stretched across the ceiling emitting a dim yellow light the flooded the room in a soft and warm hue. The heart rate monitor began to beep quicker. The room, the walls and floor more over, were made of cement that seemed to be chipping and cracking. This room was old. There were vines growing down the walls, long green and thin. The room was very small, maybe 5 meters cubed. The door to my left was old rusted steel, the hinges seemed to be nearly falling off with the screws rusting out. There was a metal bar across the door that seemed to lock it keeping anything from opening the door from the outside.

Will continue later

[Parsely]

Much much better. Also try to write in larger chunks, otherwise you'll have continuity issues.

[mastahcheese]

Meant to make this one longer, but I'll go ahead and post this bit anyway, before I forget.

Spoiler: Fifth Fragment (click to show/hide)

Alex coughed and choked on the dust from the rubble, straining to right himself to his feet. He squinted his eyes through the thick cloud of the fallen tower, and rushed over to his friend when he spotted him, "Seth, are you alright? Sorry I threw you, but I didn't really-"
"I can't move my legs, man."
"Are you sure?"
Seth winced as he pointed down to his left leg, which had been bent sideways far beyond the range it should have been, "Landed on it when I fell, I don't think I'm going to make it through this."
"It's just your leg, it's not going to kill you; you'll make it, don't worry," Alex removed the crossbow from his back and set it in the operator's grasp, and lay his bundle of quarrels down next to him, "In case anyone comes along. I'm going to find a weapon, and we're going to get these guys off our walls, alright? I'll come back for you when this is over."
He waited for a response, but realized that Seth's eyes were already closed. Alex shook his arm slightly, and pressed his finger's to his friend's neck, to find there was still a pulse. Still a chance.
He stood up and waded his way out of the dust cloud and towards the lower wall, seeing the ladders still being pushed up against it. He had long lost count of how many ladders there were; over twenty, at least. There were soldiers commencing with battle against each other ahead of him, and he drew the miniscule dagger from behind his back that he frequently used to cut his food with, and sallied forth.

Gelid peered his eyes over the heads of his comrades, and quickly ducked back down to avoid the incoming arrows, lifting up the small buckler he had picked up from one of his less fortunate allies, and very much wishing that he could have stayed back with the ruined catapult. He pushed himself down below the stature of those around his, and held the buckler above his head as he ran forward without looking, surrounded by the cries and shouts of the ceaseless turmoil, before slamming head first into a solid brick wall.
"Get yourself up from there and get up these ladders, boy!" Gelid glanced up as another man grabbed him by the shoulder and threw him against the ladder, before slapping him on the back and laughing like a deranged jackel. He didn't really see much of a choice, so he climbed with his empty hand and swore as he waved his buckler wildly in front of him to catch the incoming missiles, which were rapidly becoming more scarce as he neared the top, where more soldier were already engaged with battle. He swung his head forward and rolled off the ladder and onto the wall, before scrambling off beneath reckless feet to find some unoccupied ground to catch his breath on. He tried to wrack through his memory to some sort of spell that he could use. Some kind of protection, or rote of destruction, but he couldn't think of a single one that wouldn't cause more harm to himself than someone else. He dropped the buckler from his hand and rolled it over to see the front of it, and removed the scroll from his pocket that he had kept with him, before placing it down on the plate and swiftly uttering the incantation. Soft lights emanated from the underside of the sheet, and left an arcane imprint on the shield. He wasn't entirely sure of how it would help him in any way, but having a flaming shield felt, for whatever absurd reason, like it might have the slightest chance higher of keeping him from getting killed than a non-flaming one. He made a mental note of how this situation would probably never be logically applied in any other instance in history, and flipped the buckler back over to grasp the handle, and he drew his wand with his right hand, giving him the sort of impresion of a child who'd been thrust into the real world with nothing but a stick, and a poorly applied sense of heroism.

[Arx]

Continuation
feed back wanted

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

As the fogginess faded and my consciousness came back I studied the room, noticing that my whole body was numb. The ceiling held two long lights that stretched across the ceiling emitting a dim yellow light the flooded the room in a soft and warm hue. The heart rate monitor began to beep quicker. The room, the walls and floor more over, were made of cement that seemed to be chipping and cracking. This room was old. There were vines growing down the walls, long green and thin. The room was very small, maybe 5 meters cubed. The door to my left was old rusted steel, the hinges seemed to be nearly falling off with the screws rusting out. There was a metal bar across the door that seemed to lock it keeping anything from opening the door from the outside.

Will continue later

Going good, but there are always improvements! It looks to me (feel free to disagree, guys like Draignean if you're reading this thread, because you're more experienced than me) like you need to show more and tell less. Don't describe everything as "There were..." "The <item> was...", but rather try to let the reader fill in some details.

Rather than saying "There was a dais in the middle of the room; there was a very dusty cube on it." all the time, go for "I reached up onto the dais in the middle of the room, retrieving the dust-coated cube."

If I can't explain it, TVTropes might. Keep it up!

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Ok
just found out I have more time to write sooooo

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

After observing the room I sat up in the stretcher. As I began getting up my  head felt lighter and I began to get dizzy. The heart monitor was now steadily beeping once every about second and a half and was getting pretty annoying. I swung my legs around to the left side of the bed opposite of the heart rate monitor as to not knock it over. Once I was finally sitting upright I saw a doctor laying on the floor.
The doctor seemed to be unconscious but I could hear groaning from his direction but his face was on the ground. I ignored him for now and observed the floor, there was short tan grass growing out of the cracks. I saw a grey drawstring bag on the ground near the door with a crowbar next to it.
The heart rate monitor was still beeping steadily and I was getting really annoyed, so I grabbed the needle that was in my arm, and attached to the monitor, and pulled it out. A sting of pain shot through my arm as I slowly pulled it out of my skin. There was a drop of blood that pooled at the hole in my arm and slowly began to flow down my arm only to stop a few inches down and begin to harden.
The doctor began to groan louder and then as the pain stopped I could hear the monitor emitting a loud high pitch noise that was starting to hurt my ears.
I got up to look at the draw string and as I stepped forward with my left foot and when I tried to pull my right foot but there was something holding it back. I looked back and noticed that the doctor had reached out and grabbed my ankle. I fear I kicked his arm releasing his grip and I jumped back against the wall.
The doctor began getting up and I noticed that his whole front was covered in caked dried blood, his skin was a pale white saturated in olive green, his eyes were covered in a greyish white film, his left cheek was cleaved off just hanging on his face with the cheek bone sticking out partly chipped, and his left arm seemed to be fractured in several places. His right arm had been propping his body up while he got his legs under himself. This was one of my more horrified moments in life.
I stood up and