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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312850 times)

MaximumZero

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #540 on: March 19, 2013, 12:03:31 am »

Another school paper, hoping that this one is actually interesting:

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Holy crap, why did I not start watching One Punch Man earlier? This is the best thing.
probably figured an autobiography wouldn't be interesting

GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #541 on: March 19, 2013, 12:19:56 pm »

---

Not bad. The only one of those stories I've read is Arena, which I found to be an interesting read. I though the omnipotent entity seemed kinda malicious - if it has the power to commit genocide, it could have easily prevented the two warring races from coming into contact. Instead it decides that absolute genocide is the best alternative. Maybe it was a Dwarf Fortress player.
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Old and cringe account. Disregard.

schrocko88

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #542 on: March 20, 2013, 02:43:20 am »

I haven't wrote anything for too long. Any prompts?
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WillowLuman

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #543 on: March 20, 2013, 02:59:46 am »

I haven't wrote anything for too long. Any prompts?

Fiction or nonfiction?

Fiction - A bus driver has an invisible passenger.
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Keep Me Safe - A Girl and Her Computer (Illustrated Game)
Darkest Garden - Illustrated game. - What mysteries lie in the abandoned dark?

Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #544 on: March 22, 2013, 08:31:44 am »

 Do we have to write something based on the prompts or can we write something else? I've had this story that I had wanted to write but I needed some people who could help point out flaws and improvements.

 Anyways:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 It seems kind of weird. It sounded better in my head... So, could you guys give me some critique on this? Comments, mistakes, anything. I'm trying to improve my writing skill for my English class, so I thought I could practice here. Also, if we have to write the prompt, I think I have an idea for an invisible passenger. I'll write that tomorrow. In the meantime, thanks for the tips in advance, and thanks for the tips you had posted before. They were really helpful.
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AlStar

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #545 on: March 22, 2013, 01:34:26 pm »

Do we have to write something based on the prompts or can we write something else? I've had this story that I had wanted to write but I needed some people who could help point out flaws and improvements.
grr. My reply got eaten. Try #2... You can write anything. The prompt was because someone asked for it. I hate typing on an ipad.
Quote
Anyways:Ivan finally saw the cave where he had last saw the beast. It was a damp grove, with moss growing on stones, twisting vines, and the stench of rotting carcasses. It had a large waterfall, with an opening in the middle. Ivan's town, Ulfberg, had always been the target of one small pestering werewolf or another. But these few months the wolves had banded together, organising attacks on the town on the full moon.
(I'd go with "arrived at the cave." Your description is blocky and starts with the small stuff.)
The cave was behind a large waterfall, and the constant spray gave a dampness to the moss-covered grove. Twisting vines and the stench of rotting carcasses hung over everything.
But these last few months... During the full moon...

Quote
When the attacks started, Ivan and a group of hunters, Karl, Engels, and Friedrich, were charged with finding one particularly ferocious wolf. It was a full moon, and they had gone to gather food and firewood, when Ivan stumbled upon a grove. The grass was stained red, the water dark and murky. The large, gushing waterfall pounded on the rocks below. He moved closer to drink from the falls, rather than the murky pond he was now thigh-deep in. As he moved in to quench his thirst, he saw a faint silhouette inside an opening, the creature turned, their eyes meeting. It growled and backed away, as Ivan ran back to report his findings to his comrades.
...Ivan,Karl,Engels and Fredrich, a group of the town's hunters were...
(why would they venture away from town during the full moon?)
Since you've already described the grove, I'd say that he stumbled upon THE grove.
(Ivan's reason to investigate the falls seems kinda weak - there's no better way for him to quench his thirst then wading through a bloody pond to a waterfall?)

Quote
"Karl! Engels! Friedrich! Here, I've found it!" he yelled.
 They had come near day's end, the sun slowly falling. They decided to build a fire for the night, far away enough from the beast's lair to be spotted if the beast had returned. They had gotten the fire started, and all of them had gone to huddle towards it, except Ivan. Now Ivan was a strong, fast hunter. He had many years of experience, and now he was getting old, his hair now sporting a grey streak. He was one of the bravest in the village, and the most known to the woods. As brave as he was, though, he was afraid of fire. In fact, it made him mad.
(The "if the beast had returned" part doesn't make sense - according to what you wrote, the wolf is still inside the cave.)
(You use a strange mix of past and present decribing Ivan.) Ivan had been the strongest, fastest hunter - one of the bravest in the village, and the best woodsman. He had years of experience, but now he was getting old, his hair sporting a grey streak. His bravery had one weak point, however: fire. He was afraid of fire... in fact, it terrified him.
(mad is a strange word to use in conjunction with afraid. Terrified? I dunno, depends where you're going with this)

Quote
"He's not coming Ivan. Let's go home," grumbled Engels, whose build obviously wasn't suited for the wilds. He had come to document the beast for the temples bestiary.
(I'd describe Engel's build, rather then just say its not suited. Is he fat? Hunched back? Limping?)

 
Quote
Ivan didn't reply. He was focusing on the bonfire in the middle of the town square. He could barely see the smoke. After a while of silence, the bonfire erupted. The smoke flew high, you could see the red shadow of the flames rise high. It was a signal of an attack from bandits, or warlords, or worse.
(you should probably mention that where they're camped is within sight distance of the town.)
("you" should probably be "he".)

Quote
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(Ivan's coming off as not terribly mentally stable here, not sure if that's the point.)

 
Quote
"Shush, little one it's me, Papa," he cooed. Lucy was always fidgety. She didn't like surprises or big noises. And the door breaking down was both.
(Fidgety doesn't quite fit with fainting. I'd go with delicate, nervous, high-strung or maybe easily startled.)

Quote
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(Ah, ok, I see where you're going with this now.)

 
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You've got some odd time issues here. You start with Ivan in the grove, but that piece of time... doesn't really connect to anything else. Then you flash back, and that flashback is the rest of the story... but never gets to the present (since Ivan dies.) You also need to add something between when he goes to the grove in the flashback and gets together with the other hunters to say why it is that they think that the wolf isn't in the cave, since as of last time you (the author) told us, he saw the wolf backing into the cave.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2013, 02:45:40 pm by AlStar »
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Cheesecake

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #546 on: March 22, 2013, 06:29:25 pm »

Thanks for the tips!

I meant for Ivan to be mentally unstable, to show that he was sort of like a ferocious werewolf. I don't know if I could have explained that better. Anyways, thanks again!
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Doomblade187

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #547 on: March 22, 2013, 08:58:44 pm »

I thought of an idea, 'To Kill a God', and it grew into something more, partly out of necessity, partly into a world I'm trying, with mixed success, to write a story in. Please critique.

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« Last Edit: March 23, 2013, 06:47:08 am by Doomblade187 »
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In any case it would be a battle of critical thinking and I refuse to fight an unarmed individual.
One mustn't stare into the pathos, lest one become Pathos.

Orange Wizard

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #548 on: March 25, 2013, 04:59:30 am »

Ooh, a thing!

...

I should contribute!

...

How?

...

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Caz

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #549 on: March 25, 2013, 08:11:10 am »

Hmm.

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Caz

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #550 on: March 25, 2013, 08:14:57 am »

Spoiler: Like This? (click to show/hide)

Very nice imagery.
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Orange Wizard

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #551 on: March 26, 2013, 11:02:31 pm »

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Very nice imagery.
Thankyou! I feel mildly competent!
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Please don't shitpost, it lowers the quality of discourse
Hard science is like a sword, and soft science is like fear. You can use both to equally powerful results, but even if your opponent disbelieve your stabs, they will still die.

Doomblade187

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #552 on: March 26, 2013, 11:28:35 pm »

Feedback, anyone? (I don't want to nag, but I posted a ~750 word drabble a few posts up, and am curious how I did. I've barely edited it.)
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In any case it would be a battle of critical thinking and I refuse to fight an unarmed individual.
One mustn't stare into the pathos, lest one become Pathos.

AlStar

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #553 on: March 27, 2013, 01:40:01 am »

Feedback, anyone? (I don't want to nag, but I posted a ~750 word drabble a few posts up, and am curious how I did. I've barely edited it.)
For what it's worth, I liked it and didn't find any grammatical errors that were so heinous that they caused me to say "damn, that needs fixing."

edit: ok, rereading it, you either need three kinds of gods, or just put an "or" between Vaysil and Human - currently you've got it set up for at least three kinds of gods, but only talk about two.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2013, 01:43:37 am by AlStar »
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Doomblade187

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #554 on: March 27, 2013, 06:45:53 am »

Feedback, anyone? (I don't want to nag, but I posted a ~750 word drabble a few posts up, and am curious how I did. I've barely edited it.)
For what it's worth, I liked it and didn't find any grammatical errors that were so heinous that they caused me to say "damn, that needs fixing."

edit: ok, rereading it, you either need three kinds of gods, or just put an "or" between Vaysil and Human - currently you've got it set up for at least three kinds of gods, but only talk about two.
I seem to have forgotten to remove the third setup, then. There are only two.
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In any case it would be a battle of critical thinking and I refuse to fight an unarmed individual.
One mustn't stare into the pathos, lest one become Pathos.
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