Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: 1 ... 25 26 [27] 28 29 ... 130

Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 313019 times)

AlStar

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #390 on: July 23, 2012, 09:00:01 am »

Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums but anyway, I'm currently writing a story and I really want some "expert" opinion.

First off, welcome to the forums.

Secondly, I totally agree with Reudh about the absolute need for good grammar.

With that out of the way, here's my take (on your first chapter, anyway.)

First take - Chapter 1 isn't really a chapter. I'd call it, at most, a prologue. Honestly, I think you'd probably be better served taking out Lieber's single sentence and just info dumping, if that's what you're going to do.

Currently, the way you currently have the first chapter organized, you make it sound like the info dump is what Lieber believes in as a priest.

Quote
Little is known about Driak and the Dark Elves since the distance between the two continents is really high and the only Humans to have gone there have never returned. Dilavia however is composed of three different countries: Forg, where the story takes place, Aeli and Brai.
Little is known about Driak or the Dark Elves because the continents are far apart.

If no one has ever returned from a trip to the other continent, how does Lieber/the Humans even know it exists, let alone who lives there?

Dilavia is broken into three kingdoms: Forg, Aeli and Brai. (Don't put 'where the story takes place.' ... Also, not needed because right after the info dump, you go on to say that Lieber arrives at Forg.)

Your little info blurbs about the kingdoms is confusing. You've got kingdoms with kings, but then you say there's some kind of 'high king' that rules over the kings. If that's the case, then you don't have three kingdoms, you've got ONE kingdom that's broken into three duchies.

Forg has a king, but the dude doesn't appear to have a name.

It's rather condescending to introduce a queen as "doesn’t have a King but a Queen". Think about how people talk about Queen Elizabeth - they don't say "that queen who's not a king." She simply is - that's how royalty works.

I'd get rid of "not so different from Greek Mythology in our world." Breaks immersion.

Quote
The Boat Lieber traveled on came to a stop: he had arrived at the capital of Forg. However, war had ravaged the city and most of the clan strongholds (based on their god) were in ruin or in the middle of reconstruction. But Lieber had come here for one reason: finding the ruins of the Priest Temple.

There's no need for "However," in there. the '(based on their god)' part is confusing - what's it referencing?

Lieber appears to be searching for a Temple of Priests (or maybe a Temple to Priests)... which is... well, kinda odd. (Of course, this is the world where the Paladins hang out in Paladin Tower, so maybe these are just a very banal people.)

Tiruin

  • Bay Watcher
  • Life is too short for worries
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #391 on: July 23, 2012, 09:02:56 am »

Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums but anyway, I'm currently writing a story and I really want some "expert" opinion.

Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums...

...King Arthur's Gold Forums...

*Looks at Reudh.  :P

Anyway, PM'd PoTL, hope he would reply soon on updating the OP.  :D
Logged

Phantom of The Library

  • Bay Watcher
  • [PRONE_TO: SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCES]
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #392 on: July 23, 2012, 11:37:29 pm »

Just posting to say how glad I am that this thing is still alive despite the neglect I've given it. 

I should be able to start managing it again and giving critiques in a week or so when I'll finally have significant amounts of free time again.

I'll look through the thread and actually get around to adding the resources that have been submitted, in the future though: PM any you want to add to me so that I don't miss any as I won't always have the time to read through the entire thing.

Several months later...



OP is finally updated, thanks for reminding me Tiruin!

Let me know if I missed anything.
Logged
Gnosis - Torn Ajar -- Text Suggestion Games.
This is what happens when we randomly murder people.

You get attacked by a Yandere triangle monster.

Lieber

  • Escaped Lunatic
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Channel
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #393 on: July 25, 2012, 05:48:46 am »

Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums but anyway, I'm currently writing a story and I really want some "expert" opinion.

First off, welcome to the forums.

Secondly, I totally agree with Reudh about the absolute need for good grammar.

With that out of the way, here's my take (on your first chapter, anyway.)

First take - Chapter 1 isn't really a chapter. I'd call it, at most, a prologue. Honestly, I think you'd probably be better served taking out Lieber's single sentence and just info dumping, if that's what you're going to do.

Currently, the way you currently have the first chapter organized, you make it sound like the info dump is what Lieber believes in as a priest.

Quote
Little is known about Driak and the Dark Elves since the distance between the two continents is really high and the only Humans to have gone there have never returned. Dilavia however is composed of three different countries: Forg, where the story takes place, Aeli and Brai.
Little is known about Driak or the Dark Elves because the continents are far apart.

If no one has ever returned from a trip to the other continent, how does Lieber/the Humans even know it exists, let alone who lives there?

Dilavia is broken into three kingdoms: Forg, Aeli and Brai. (Don't put 'where the story takes place.' ... Also, not needed because right after the info dump, you go on to say that Lieber arrives at Forg.)

Your little info blurbs about the kingdoms is confusing. You've got kingdoms with kings, but then you say there's some kind of 'high king' that rules over the kings. If that's the case, then you don't have three kingdoms, you've got ONE kingdom that's broken into three duchies.

Forg has a king, but the dude doesn't appear to have a name.

It's rather condescending to introduce a queen as "doesn’t have a King but a Queen". Think about how people talk about Queen Elizabeth - they don't say "that queen who's not a king." She simply is - that's how royalty works.

I'd get rid of "not so different from Greek Mythology in our world." Breaks immersion.

Quote
The Boat Lieber traveled on came to a stop: he had arrived at the capital of Forg. However, war had ravaged the city and most of the clan strongholds (based on their god) were in ruin or in the middle of reconstruction. But Lieber had come here for one reason: finding the ruins of the Priest Temple.

There's no need for "However," in there. the '(based on their god)' part is confusing - what's it referencing?

Lieber appears to be searching for a Temple of Priests (or maybe a Temple to Priests)... which is... well, kinda odd. (Of course, this is the world where the Paladins hang out in Paladin Tower, so maybe these are just a very banal people.)

Thanks, I'll try to correct as much as I can.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2012, 05:59:21 am by Lieber »
Logged
-This isn't the end.

AlStar

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #394 on: July 25, 2012, 08:59:37 am »

Generally speaking, if you're just giving a one line reply, you should throw spoiler tags around the giant wall of text you're quoting - a courtesy to other readers.

Anyway, since you seem to be receptive to input and I've got some time, lemme take a look at chapter 2.

Quote
Lieber got out of the boat, still groggy and took his first step in the city.
This might just be personal preference, but I'd put it Still groggy, Lieber got out of the boat and took his first steps into the city.

Quote
The middle of the city had most of the information on the whereabouts, the King’s Castle, a few hotels and restaurants, and the Tree House, not exactly a stronghold but still the place where the Tree Lover Clan stayed.
The line "had most of the information on the whereabouts" is very confusing.
I think Reudh did a fine job reworking this sentence, although I don't know if I agree that the above line means that there's a giant sign (Disneyland style, perhaps?) sitting the middle of the city.

Quote
At the East, the road seemed to be blocked off. He asked what was the problem over there but the only answers he got were: “Bad place to be fellow” or “Don’t ask, you’ll attract less problems”.
       He was intrigued so he left to the East, keeping a knife under his sleeve just in case.
To the East, the road appeared to be blocked off.
It's somewhat under where we are - is it the east side of the city? East of the city?
It seems like he heads off into the wilderness, so I'd assume the second, but in that case, why'd he ask for a map of the city if he's not going there? (And why do we get that description of the center of the city if he's not wandering around inside of it?)

It'd be nice to get a little more into Lieber's head to know why he goes down a blocked path that several people have specifically told him to stay away from. He acknowledges that it could be dangerous (since he slips a knife into his sleeve), so he must have a pretty good reason to go there.

I mean, I wouldn't wander somewhere I'd been told was dangerous just for shits and giggles, and it stretches my belief that Lieber would do so.

Quote
After walking a long road he noticed a small cabin that seemed abandoned. But as he walked over and looked at the sign, it was too late.[
What sign?

Quote
Three men jumped out of the trees surrounding the cabin and pointed their bows, except one who approached him with a knife in his hand and started talking to the poor priest:
“Give us your money priest!” the man said.
Three men jumped out of the trees surrounding the cabin. Two aimed bows at Lieber, while the third approached him with a knife in hand. "Give us your money, priest!" He shouted.

Is Lieber wearing some kind of obvious priestly garb? Like is he wearing a monk's outfit or something? Giant cross on his chest? How does a random ruffian know he's a priest upon first seeing him? It would probably be worthwhile to work in a physical description of Lieber earlier, since either what he looks like or what he's wearing apparently makes him stand out in a crowd.

I'm a fan of 'show, don't tell', and would probably get rid of "Lieber tried to talk his way out"

 
Quote
-You are lying. I smell the scent of money on you and you wouldn’t be keeping that knife in your sleeve unless you had something to protect! Give us your pouch and you will leave unharmed!” the thief responded.
How would the thug know that Lieber has a knife up his sleeve, unless it's really obvious (which would defeat the point of keeping a knife up his sleeve) or he's siezed it from Lieber (which we should've been told.) Also, people rarely "respond" with sentences that end with explanation points.

Quote
Lieber was in trouble
duh.

Quote
and he started to walk slowly away but another of the thiefs jumped behind him.

It'd make more sense for Lieber to back away slowly (otherwise he's turning his back on his attackers and just casually strolling away.)
Thieves.
Does this mean that there are now four thieves, or did one of the first two jump behind him? It's unclear.

Quote
He was cornered, he couldn’t believe he let his curiosity take over him. He closed his eyes, ready to take the blow when
Is there any reason why he doesn't just give over his money to the thieves? Is it because he honestly doesn't have any? Does he have something so valuable that he can't give it up? We don't know. You must tell us. It seems rather fatalistic of Lieber to just lay down to die with only a single sentence in his own defense.

Quote
when out of nowhere a woman in cyan colored armor jumped on the thief with the knife and removed his head right off of his shoulders and ran to the two other thieves holding the bows.
You've taken what could be a visually interesting action scene and rendered it as lifeless as the poor knife-wielding thug. First off - what is she armed with? Currently, she apparently jumps on the guy's back and just rips his head off with her bare hands (and if that is what she does, tells us! That'd be quite the feat!) Secondly, since it appears that there are only three thugs (not four) - there's no way for her physically to run to both bow thieves (who, by the way, are the most useless thugs ever - they're armed with bows! They should shoot at her!), since you've told us that one of the bow-thieves walked around to behind Lieber.
They were like this:
Code: [Select]
Cabin
Bow Bow

Knife
Lieber
Then you told us they went like this:
Code: [Select]
Cabin
Bow

Knife
Lieber

Bow

Quote
Lieber took advantage of this moment to jump out of the way and hide into the bushes while the woman slayed the other thieves.
She just slays them? They don't put up any fight whatsoever? I think you're leaving a lot on the table by not giving this the cinematic fight scene it deserves - your mysterious knight in cyan should get her moment in the sun.

Quote
He couldn’t believe his eyes, a woman wearing heavy armor but still managing to perform acrobatic moves between each thief and in moments they all dropped dead on the ground. He was afraid that she would kill him but in fact she did the exact opposite, by approaching him and helping him get off the ground.
He couldn't believe his eyes: the woman was wearing heavy armor, but still managed to perform acrobatic moves as she moved between each thief. (Battle description should go here.) In moments, both thieves lay dead on the ground.

The exact opposite of killing someone would be either giving birth to them or resurrecting them, not picking them off the ground.

Quote
“You were in trouble there sir, those thieves would have killed you if I didn’t come earlier, are you okay?”
"You were in trouble there - those thieves would have killed you if I hadn't shown up/come in time; are you okay?"

Lieber was still under the shock be was able to form a correct sentence.

Quote
     “Why… Yes I am fine thanks to you, but forgive me for asking this so directly but… who are you?”
The woman seemed amused, she removed her helmet, showing her long brown hair and looked straight into his eyes.
      “I am a Paladin. You didn’t recognize the armor?” she said smiling.
He didn't ask her what she is, he asked for her name.

Quote
       “Well, I have to go know, write to my mentor that I killed a few thieves, If you want to talk you can always come by to Paladin Tower”.
This is the most nonchalant description of killing three men ever.

Also, I said this last time, but... Priest Temple? Paladin Tower? Seriously banal people here. "I will name this thing for what it contains."

Anyway, hopefully you're getting something out of all of this. Also, all opinions are my own - I am not an editor, and I am not your editor... because if I was, you'd be paying me for it.

Fishbreath

  • Bay Watcher
  • [AVATAR HERE]
    • View Profile
    • Many Words
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #395 on: July 25, 2012, 09:17:38 am »

A lot of place names are pretty banal, when you think about it: the White House, the Pentagon, No. 10 Downing Street, the Kremlin. Although, come to think of it, those are mostly named for what they are, rather than what they hold.

AlStar

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #396 on: July 25, 2012, 09:47:13 am »

A lot of place names are pretty banal, when you think about it: the White House, the Pentagon, No. 10 Downing Street, the Kremlin. Although, come to think of it, those are mostly named for what they are, rather than what they hold.

Exactly - if it was the White/Red/Blue/Green Tower (and it turned out that the tower was, in fact, that color,) I wouldn't have blinked.

It'd be like if the White House was called President House.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2012, 09:48:45 am by AlStar »
Logged

Lieber

  • Escaped Lunatic
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Channel
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #397 on: July 25, 2012, 11:26:15 am »

Alstar's response:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You did make me laugh at your last sentence :) Anyway, I will rewrite the battle sequence and try to add a bit more description to Lieber. About the names of the strongholds, the only ones presented are Paladin Tower, Priest Temple and the Tree House. There are quite a few other clans, these three are the only ones that sound banal. If you aren't busy, please continue giving your advice, I appreciate it and once everything has been updated I'll post it here.
Logged
-This isn't the end.

Doomblade187

  • Bay Watcher
  • Requires music to get through the working day.
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #398 on: July 25, 2012, 08:45:17 pm »

It's been a while since I last submitted a story for review, and it was never reviewed, but no matter- it was just a random short fragment, though the idea has held potential. So, here I am with an introductory chapter (Chapter 1). This is written as if the narrator is writing an autobiography. If you have better ideas than my footnotes, let me know. (those are the things in the double parentheses that sound like footnotes) If you've ever read 'The Name of the Wind', you might recognize the style slightly, though I've barely started into the story- on Chapter 2 currently. So, without further ado, here's my submission, chapter 1. (Yes, there is an introductory paragraph, but I've decided to leave it out- it's not part of a chapter.)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Feedback is greatly desired.
Logged
In any case it would be a battle of critical thinking and I refuse to fight an unarmed individual.
One mustn't stare into the pathos, lest one become Pathos.

fqllve

  • Bay Watcher
  • (grammar) anarcho-communist
    • View Profile
    • ufowitch
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #399 on: July 26, 2012, 04:48:52 am »

While my early years are undistinguished, with the average school and life experiences at my fingers for a ten-year-old at the time, it is around here that my story takes a … different turn. For it was on my eleventh birthday, February 1, 2036, that an amazing occurrence took place. Humanity made contact.
You could honestly probably cut this paragraph too and begin with the next. I think that would make a much more intriguing opening as this paragraph is a little dry.

Quote
One could say that on that day, the world froze like a deer in the headlights of a speeding car.
Deer in headlights is a pretty cliched metaphor, so I'd advise against using it, but if you insist, "the world froze like a deer in headlights," is significantly stronger as I'm guessing everyone is familiar enough with the phrase to understand it abridged (and familiar enough with headlights for that matter).

Quote
We had searched for years for intelligent life out there, with our best equipment, and while the Moon and Mars were just being colonized by the space programs with small populations, we had never expected something like them. To start, the movies were all wrong. Well, most of them anyway. We had always expected aliens to be somewhat like us, with blood and organs and technology.
Remember, swords are technology, and under some definitions even language may be considered technology. For example, Wikipedia's: "Technology is the making, modification, usage, and knowledge of tools, machines, techniques, crafts, systems, methods of organization, in order to solve a problem, improve a preexisting solution to a problem, achieve a goal or perform a specific function."

Quote
It wasn’t until well after the first meeting was over that this became apparent. How else could they survive without organs, we thought, as we thought about the things we had seen.
I hope you intend to reveal more about how these creatures have replaced organ functions with magic, because, to me, it's probably the most interesting thing you've written so far.

Quote
Various groups were shouting for them not to set foot on Earth again, for them to be exterminated, that they should serve us alone. Amazingly, the first year passed without any major incidents.
Should be "leave us alone," of course. Also, I feel like this is a little unfair. You mention a xenophobic reaction, but in all likelihood there would be reactions tending towards both extremes.

Quote
They were still novices at war to us, in a way. They did not systematically murder millions, start wars over petty offenses, or engage the entire world in a war. Until then.
I find this pretty hard to believe. Sure, there are ways to make it believable, it's just fiction after all, but in a world where life must be consumed for life to be sustained I'm going to require a pretty good explanation for something like that.

Quote
It should be noted that the Vaysilith are a young race, compared to us in the terms of generations.
I also find this hard to believe because humans are a young species. Again, it's not impossible, but you're going to have to provide some compelling justification for it.

Quote
Life (Vay in the language of the Vaysilith) , as it is known today became the driving force behind their lives, feeding and powering them and their world.
I believe you're using life to refer to some heretofore unknown metaphysical force akin to qi. The problem is that life already refers to some kind of intangible force or quality that animates. If I'm right, that's going to get extremely confusing down the line. If I'm wrong, perhaps you should reword this sentence for clarity.

Quote
Three quarters of the deaths were from combat-related deaths and injuries, the remaining quarter being those who exhausted their life, left a dried husk, burned out by the energies they used as they overdrew on themselves.
I'm curious as to how creatures such as the ones you described would actually fight. Do they just fight with the swords you mentioned (what exactly are the swords for other than martial use? They way you mention them seems to place importance on them beyond just combat.) if so, how could warfare be carried out on such a catastrophic scale with only melee weapons?

Quote
Those who had not felt the war scoffed at them, ridiculing them.
How was anyone left untouched by a war that destroyed nearly half the population and a quarter of the arable land? I find it hard to believe that even a single person would remain untouched.

All in all I feel like there isn't really enough meat on these bones to compel me forward. You have a first person narrator, but you fail to capitalize on that for your opening and instead give us a very cursory history lesson, which isn't necessarily bad, per se, but it is too brief to be truly compelling and reminds me quite a bit of those history books that try to give a broad overview at the expense of all the interesting bits. I need more detail about the Vaysilith to want to read more about them, there are some intriguing ideas in there, but you hardly even devote a full sentence to many of them. I would recommend just trying to start with an introduction of the narrator, because a good protagonist is always the best way to a reader's heart, but if you feel the Vaysilith must be introduced before the protagonist then you should truly introduce them. In the first draft? Give us all the most interesting pieces of information about them, as early as possible, and then cut anything that overburdens the text or isn't really useful or relevant. I also think you should work through the logic of your statements a bit more. Remember, everything requires a justification and the moment a reader feels like something is improperly justified they're going to call bullshit on you. Your job as a writer is to stop that before it can even happen.
Logged
You don't use freedom Penguin. First you demand it, then you have it.
No using. That's not what freedom is for.

AlStar

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #400 on: July 26, 2012, 04:25:55 pm »

Because I'm on a bit of a roll here, let's move on to chapter 3.

Quote
Lieber arrived to a place named Tower Hotel due to it’s proximity to the Paladin Tower. He remembered that it was the only Clan Stronghold to have sustained minimal damage during the war.
Lieber just kind of pops into place here - it might be worth mentioning at the end of the previous chapter or start of this one that he follows after Pheonix (or, as it would appear, that it turns out that he heads in the same direction as her, as that's the direction to the Temple... not that he knew that when he started walking along the road (note: having someone tell him that the Temple is on that road would be a plausable reason to get him to walk somewhere known to be dangerous).)

I'd get rid of "to a place named" and "due to it’s proximity to the Paladin Tower". It's called the Tower Hotel. This is an instance of banal naming is both logical and useful.

I don't like the "Lieber remembered", especially since there doesn't seem to be a need for it - just have him look and actually see that the Tower is intact. From there, his mind can wander over to why it is that the tower remained standing.

Quote
The Paladins were known to have been elite fighters during that war and know try to get rid of the most notable enemies of the city: the Thief Clan and the Assassin Clan.
Clan seems like a strange thing for thieves to have, as it suggests a blood link between members. So having a thieves clan would be akin to the Beagle Boys. Theives tend to form guilds - random people who come together out of like professions, interests, etc.
I'd argue that most assassins would also be guilds, unless you've got Naruto-like system of villages of assassins going on here.



And... quitting time. I'll get back to this once I get home.

Lieber

  • Escaped Lunatic
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Channel
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #401 on: July 26, 2012, 06:07:49 pm »

About the odd transition to from one chapter to the next that looking back I didn't think of it. In my edited version based on your feedback I added it. Guilds? It's true I always thought Clans and Guilds to be very similar. I'll change it as well :)
Logged
-This isn't the end.

AlStar

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #402 on: July 26, 2012, 11:45:25 pm »

Quote
   There has always been conflict between clans but they were the order of the world. There was balance. And the only clan to have been fully wiped out was the Necromancer Clan during the Coup of Y12 (all events happen after the Arventus Rebellion that was a struggle to bring society equal. It is at that moment where Dilavia adopts the Religion of the Nine and create the clans.) where the Necromancers planned to kill the King Aerin the Brave but ultimately failed because of the Paladins, that completely obliterated the Necromancer Clan after that.
This is a very confusingly worded section. You've got different time periods interacting within the same sentence.

The Necromancer Clan has been destroyed. The Coup of Y12 created the clans. The Coup of Y12 was when the Necromancers rebelled against the king.

So I guess that the Necromancers became a clan during the coup, and then were immediately destroyed?

Also, there's an Arventus Rebellion which may or may not be the same thing as the Coup of Y12, or may have caused the Coup of Y12.

You also tell us the Necromancers were wiped out twice in this one paragraph. I'd get rid of the first instance.

Quote
Lieber looked up at the tower, lit up and seemed full of activity. He opened the door of the hotel.  A few people were still inside having drinks. He mostly found Builders and Guards, due to the fact that the other clans lived either in houses or their strongholds, no matter how damaged they were.
It's unclear if he's looking at the Paladin Tower or the Tower Hotel, especially since he then immediately goes into the hotel.

In the Middle Ages (or middle-ages equivalent), really the only people who would stay in a hotel are travelers and merchants. Builders and guards would certainly stop in for a drink and food, but they probably wouldn't stay there (well, other then caravan guards, I suppose.) They'd either stay wherever they were working or in tents/cabins in the local area.

Does everyone in this world wear a patch on their sleeve that states their occupation?

Quote
He asked the hotel owner for a room just for the night since he wasn’t planning on staying long. Just a quick trip to the ruined Priest Temple to find old books precious for the Clan.
The way you've got this worded, it sounds like he's telling the hotel owner "I'm not planning on staying long; just a quick to the ruined Priest Temple to find old books precious for the Clan." I'm not sure if that's your intention.

There were strongholds all over the continent, but Lieber never really stayed in one place, he stopped at one place to work and then left for another a few days later. These books were to be brought back to Maltot (is this a name or an occupation?) in Aeli. he tried to avoid doing work between Forg and Brai since there were still tensions.(This is good information, but I don't think it really fits here.) He entered his room, put his belongings (unless it's important to know he's got a pouch and bag.)pouch and bag on the table, and lied lay down on the bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

The next day, he woke up early, eager to meet that woman, Pheonix, in the Tower. He took his belongings, making sure he had left nothing behind and left the Hotel. The road to Paladin Tower wasn’t easy: he had to go down stone stairs that led to an odd looking bridge and then climbed up the a ladder leading to the door of the Stronghold. The difficult path was probably the reason why the Brai soldiers weren’t able to destroy the Tower. Tired, he finally reached the front door, tired and knocked. Suprisingly, Pheonix was the one who opened up and smiled.

Quote
“Hello there.
    -Good morning madam!
    -Just call me Pheonix, and now that I think of it, what’s your name?
    -I’m Lieber.
    -Lieber? Please come in, tell me of your business in this, once, beautiful city?”
You're not setting up this conversation correctly, it should look something like this:
"Hi!"
"Hello!"
"I'm speaking here."
"I reply to you."

I'm confused - is this stronghold inside the city (as Phoenix seems to be stating) or in the middle of the wilderness, beyond a cabin along a blocked road that heads to the East (as the text seems to be saying)?

Quote
“But, I have to find those books!” Lieber said alarmingly
Lieber said, alarmed.

Quote
Right at the moment he was about to walk out of the Tower, Pheonix told him:
As he was headed out of the Tower, Phoenix said:


It seems unlikely that ancient books would survive the fall into a crevasse (with a building falling on top of them, no less.) But, whatever - I'll give you the benefit of a doubt.

Lieber

  • Escaped Lunatic
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Channel
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #403 on: July 27, 2012, 06:03:20 am »

Answer to AlStar:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

IMPROVED STORY:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

« Last Edit: July 29, 2012, 09:04:02 am by Lieber »
Logged
-This isn't the end.

Fishbreath

  • Bay Watcher
  • [AVATAR HERE]
    • View Profile
    • Many Words
Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #404 on: August 07, 2012, 02:06:09 pm »

Does anyone here know Latin enough to translate 'Secret Order Militant of the Knights of St. Adrian of Nicomedia' for me?
Pages: 1 ... 25 26 [27] 28 29 ... 130