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[Spinal_Taper]

I rewrote a rather famous story. Please rate it.
"No John"

Some issues that I came across as I read:
While very descriptive, I'm having a really hard time figuring out exactly what's going on with the lights. They're letting out a final spark... but then "bursting into the air like fireworks into the night sky" - it just doesn't seem to make sense, unless John is tripping his balls off.

I'd probably mention that his name tag has him as John Stalvern, but that his medals, or something else, shows him as a fourteen-year veteran. It'd be an odd nametag that reads "Joe Smith, 20 year veteran"

Cernel = Colonel, I assume? Rank, not a name?
"the spacecrafts" should probably just be "spacecraft".
"earth, and soar" should probably be "Earth to soar"
"I want to be on the ships daddy.", should probably be "I want to be on that ship, daddy."
"you will be kill by" -> "you will be killED by"

Why does he target, of all things, the WALL? Is it a demonic wall? You're going to have to give some kind of reasoning behind him wanting the wall dead, otherwise it just looks odd.

"He going to kill us!" -> "He'S going to kill us!"

"I will shoot at him!" I'd nuke this piece of dialog, personally. Alternatively, if it must be spoken, have the Cyberdaemon shout (not declare) "I'll shoot him!"

but too late, when he fired the rocket-missiles, the marine plasmaed at him, trying to blew him up.
Did you stop trying? Admit it, you totally stopped trying here. I'd say "but too late, before he was able to fire off his rockets, the marine's plasma rifle fired with deadly intent."

I'll leave the rest alone, but I'll note that it's generally hard to look down at yourself when you've been crushed by metric tons of concrete and steel.

Note: I can't get to the youtube link, so if the story is supposed to be a little campy and confusing (KILL ALL THE WALLS!), then my bad.

It's based off of a horribly written fan-fic. I decided to rewrite it, but keep the dialogue the same along with a few word spellings, for example plasmaed and rocket-missles. The first three are all my mistakes, the later ones are elements I carried over from the original. If you'd like me to post a text form of the original I can.

[Phantom of The Library]

Blarg, forget what I said about having more time.

Mikhail:
That's how I used to think myself, now days I do more stream of consciousness with a little pre-planning. 


There are a couple things I disagree with:

First, it doesn't smack of wishful thinking, part of the challenge of writing is making sure that everything fits together, and that's a problem even the most famous author's have. 

Second, if you had to be qualified to release a hypothesis then nobody would ever submit anything, as the saying goes: everyone has to start somewhere. 



And some advice (although I'm probably unqualified, and you thought of this already):
I think that planning every event out step by step from the beginning and then actually sitting down and doing the writing part might work for you if you haven't already tried that. 
I also find that adding in things from your life or at least things that remind you of things in your life makes you less likely to leave it behind, I'm not saying that it's guaranteed to make you stick with it, but I at least find that it helps.   

I'm having a bit of trouble putting my thoughts down right now, so forgive me if this doesn't make any sense, or if I'm just stating what you already know :I

[Supermikhail]

What I'm calling wishful thinking.

making sure that everything fits together

when there's no reason to think that it does. And all "evidence" points to there not being a connection. Like the fact that story ideas are independent products of imagination, and their cause-effect relationship doesn't extend further than the mental context in which they were conceived.

But I realize there's no reason fiction writing should be only approached rationally. You can approach anything any way you want if it makes you happy - the thing is I haven't found that approach to writing. At least to writing epic long overwhelming sagas that I dream of.

I think you misunderstood me, and your advice isn't helpful not because I think you're unqualified but because it doesn't apply to my situation. I don't have a problem with leaving things behind. I can hold on to ideas pretty well, it's not making them real what bothers me. I tried adding things from my life, I tried sticking to a central idea, I tried writing with eyes shut... And now, I must confess, I've tried abandoning all my fruitless ideas and starting afresh and it isn't working.

I've been told a couple of times that the problem is my perfectionism. Maybe. And per some people's advice I tried stopping being a perfectionist, and it didn't make me happier. But neither this nor the previous post are actually about asking for advice, mind you, and I wish you didn't go down this street, but I can understand having trouble putting thoughts down - it happens to me all the time.

[Phantom of The Library]

And so continues my habit of giving inapplicable advice to people who actually didn't want it in the first place. :I  My apologies.

[Supermikhail]

I wonder if the lack of activity in this thread means that nobody is writing anything.

[Willfor]

I'm writing, but it's nothing that I can show here without future economic implications.

[Supermikhail]

Well... I have a suspicion that it means you aren't an apprentice anymore, or are working on a graduation paper. Am I right?

In any case, now I can't say "nobody is writing anything", but "almost nobody is writing anything". And I remember that at this forum there's at least 2 people who are capable of writing consistently, because they are getting paid for it, regardless of the kind of writing, and, I think, 7 people who aspire to get where the 2 people have gotten. Yep, I've got the numbers and I ain't letting go of them.

I guess all these people are working on their first/next novel.

At least they could post updates on its progress which is related to the progress of their apprenticeship.

In case some of them aren't writing anything right now, I have an idea for a collaborative project. I wonder if anyone'd care for it.

[Ehndras]

I'm writing, but mostly philosophical/motivational stuff that no one comments on when I post here.

[Supermikhail]

What are your thoughts on the reasons of that?

[Phantom of The Library]

@Ehndras: Where?  I must have missed it or been absent at the time.

@Mikhail: I would be interested in a collab, but I have too many projects on my plate at the moment, maybe in a few months if you don't get any other offers? I can't make any guarantees though, I may just end up with more on my plate by then.

[Supermikhail]

Re: Ehndras

Rright... this way: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3301114#msg3301114

I mean, I'm sure he can do it himself, but I'm just curious what you intend to do about it, and what it's gonna change.

[Ehndras]

Re: Ehndras

Rright... this way: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3301114#msg3301114

I mean, I'm sure he can do it himself, but I'm just curious what you intend to do about it, and what it's gonna change.

Hmm? Critiques.

It might not be a fictional piece, but it has its own nuances, grammatical issues, and must flow and describe well. While analyzing a fiction piece is often more about how 'real' it feels, non-fictional pieces are more about how well the message is expressed... Effectively the same thing, psychologically.

tldr; tell me if it sucks and what I can do to make it sound better. It'd be pretty stupid if I'd need to make up a character name and a setting just to express the same exact thing, though that's pretty much what all of my writing is; I make up a character and situation to express what I'm feeling or observing at a particular moment in time.

[Ehndras]

For example, this is a descriptive story, though it has no characters. If I take one minute to add in an arbitrary character, it becomes a fictional storytelling piece. Does the message change? No. You simply use different techniques

http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/art/Undying-Dream-276006905?q=gallery%3Amaximilian-aurea%2F11969550&qo=8

[Supermikhail]

Okay, I've got a couple of questions.

Is your intended audience Bay12ers or someone like them?

What is your ideal critique situation? A single dedicated person, a fair sample of the population, the majority, the top critics?

[Willfor]

Current writing attempt: Untitled or Sit down, Shut Up, and Mangle That Keyboard Until You Have a Novel To Show For It. (that's probably not going to be the final title of the book)

Projected progress:



--

I'm excited about this one. Excited enough to not want to risk its chances of publication by posting excerpts anywhere. I might post snippets when I have more of it done, but my brother is acting as my primary audience until I have something to show for it. I'm going to finish this one if it kills me. I'm going to finish this one if it kills other people.

>:[ <- Angry face of determination!!