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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 313112 times)

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #135 on: March 21, 2012, 06:26:33 am »

Sounds good. :)
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Tiruin

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #136 on: March 21, 2012, 06:43:31 am »

Y'know, when you see all the stories people write and post criticism just for the love of it. It turns your aching typing fingers anew and makes a weary man happy to see how many people are inspired to write of their own accord.

So before I set down my towering wall of text contained in the deadly spoiler box for all of you, Hover your mouse pointer over me! I'm a disclaimer!

Hmm, this wall of text needs time to be built. Come the next morn, it shall be finished! {In a normal text document, all your stories compile to ~12 pages. I love Bay12!}

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Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #137 on: March 21, 2012, 06:49:20 am »

Do it! =D I'll be home all day tomorrow then offline 'til Sunday, so I'd be glad to read your story tomorrow.
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Gotdamnmiracle

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #138 on: March 21, 2012, 09:05:35 am »

Random suicide story

Alright.  You wanted criticism, you got it.

First:  If you're going to stick with third person, don't mention a character's name constantly.  Use pronouns - he, she, it, etc.  Reading Aaron did this, Aaron did that; is quite boring.

Second:  I cannot stress this one enough.  Show.  Not tell.  It's well written, technically, but Aaron has all the personality of a piece of cardboard reading this.  Hint at what he's thinking about a bit more often (and more subtly!) instead of just saying "Aaron's mind was elsewhere."  The entire story reads like  a well-written and descriptive list - but it's a list.

Third:  I get that this is playing off his depression - sudden improvement typically leads up to this, of course.  The thing is, there's no way to know this.  I just understood it because I know about depression.

Fourth:  The ending was kinda horrible.  There was no need to add that last little tidbit in - it just detracts from the story overall IMO and places an unnecessarily cruel bent to the story.  It should've just ended with the newspaper reading his obituary or maybe his autopsy.

And as a response to the depression portion, that's what I was going for. It comes out of nowhere and when you do make up your mind, "I'm going to kill myself", it's common to feel elated. Thus the jarring feeling should be present. The cruel bent (I felt like) is the most important. It does detract but I feel that death in, popular culture, is viewed as the end all be all, that makes even the most awful of beasts tear up, which isn't the case in real life. Although You may be correct it doesn't make for good story writing. Understand, I'm not arguing just trying to make my goals for the piece more clear.

Okay. So people aren't getting to the point I'm trying to get across. That is waaay not good.

*towards his writing now* BACK TO THE FORGE YE GO!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: March 21, 2012, 09:17:32 am by Gotdamnmiracle »
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Gotdamnmiracle

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #139 on: March 21, 2012, 09:28:30 am »

Actually, fuck it. I don't like the character. I wouldn't do the piece justice. Don't worry fellas, I got somethin' a cookin' up.
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WillowLuman

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #140 on: March 21, 2012, 08:50:04 pm »

Okay, here's how I sent off my story for the writing sample, but I don't think I should leave it like this. Too cliffhanger-y
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Would like some advice as to ending or continuing
« Last Edit: March 23, 2012, 06:11:52 pm by HugoLuman »
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adwarf

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #141 on: March 22, 2012, 09:59:39 pm »

Beginning of the first chapter of a story I'm writing (Same as before), I cut off towards the end to get critique, and advice before continuing on.

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Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #142 on: March 22, 2012, 10:13:43 pm »

Beginning of the first chapter of a story I'm writing (Same as before), I cut off towards the end to get critique, and advice before continuing on.


I quite like it, but your grammar needs work. There are multiple instances where you're using adverbs incorrectly, as well as stitching sentences to one another without a solid flow.

My favorite exercise is to read my story out loud, making sure to reflect a natural flow in its grammar and punctuation. A reader won't know that unique, awesome style you want it to be read with, so you need to gently guide the reader by using certain grammar techniques. :)
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #143 on: March 22, 2012, 10:23:42 pm »

Ehndras, I just took the time to read yours thoroughly, and it's fantastic. If I remember right, English isn't your first language?

The writing style is grandiose yet a little dry - but nothing I could not stomach. I assume with that writing style that you're aiming to adults who read on a regular basis, and hence it works well for that audience.

I struggled to keep my attention on it after a while - in essence, was the idea "Humans attempt to understand mortal life but are fettered by their beliefs, but even so they are much more comprehensive than the other animals of Earth"?

It was a very great piece, but the style I found as I said a little dry. That's only a stylistic criticism though; as that style of writing is not my favourite or indeed one I enjoy my criticism may suffer from bias. Plus, if it's a stylistic choice then ultimately what I say about the style of writing should count for little to nought.

What's this story about? Besides the idea that I felt floating behind the piece, I couldn't see the actual plot of it. If it is just an intro, then disregard what I just said, but if it's part of a novel - a chapter, say... then I could not see the natural plot.



Finally though, as I write this, while I considered your piece for a while and thought that while it was dry, if I viewed it as a 'stream of consciousness' then it was an amazingly powerful piece from a bright mind.
I look forward to seeing much more of your work, man! Keep it up!

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #144 on: March 23, 2012, 12:20:49 am »

Though I learned Portuguese first, I learned English early enough that it eventually overcame all knowledge of Portuguese. My father was American and my mother is Brazilian, hence why I am multilingual.

Aye, its not actually a short story; alone, that is. I had originally written it for my scifi novel work, but I found it to be too philosophical and impersonal to be put into my work. My primary style of writing is exactly so, a profoundly philosophical approach at human nature. I take a heavily influence from Lovecraft's work, actually. To be quite honest, its what has drawn many of my readers to me. Even though I love my philosophical ramblings, I'm gradually learning to simplify my work for a more general audience. As you stated, my writing is primarily for an intellectual adult audience and, considering the topics I discuss, such individuals are hard to come by.



Here is another example of the same sort of writing. Then, something completely different; an actual excerpt of my RP/story writing. I'm pretty sure you see a significant different in language, style and flow. My one significantly-irritating issue is that of flow. All of my writing is too poetic, too philosophical, too... Dry. I have a lot of trouble making my writing more... Natural. Hell, my real-world speech is like that too. I am a very dramatic speaker, keen on playing up emotional responses via powerful imagery, but that sort of drama goes right over most people's heads. I never was one for being casual... :P

I have years of writing experience, but my writing has always been limited to a narrow field of vision. THAT is the issue I want to fix. Hence, why I've taken to RPing on the forums in a menagerie of play-by-post games. I figure that if I can get myself writing in ways that I'm not comfortable, like that Anarchy Unlimited RP I'm running, then it'll help me think outside the proverbial box. :)
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #145 on: March 23, 2012, 12:27:17 am »

Yes, definitely! Your writing aims at the very upper echelon of those who read; hence it may miss marks when those who aren't as studious readers read it. That does not mean it's bad, no sirree!

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #146 on: March 23, 2012, 12:32:05 am »


I struggled to keep my attention on it after a while - in essence, was the idea "Humans attempt to understand mortal life but are fettered by their beliefs, but even so they are much more comprehensive than the other animals of Earth"?

Heh, so-so. In my usual twist, it was an attempt at expressing that we are highly intelligent and inquisitive as a species. BUT... We allow our intellect to blind us. We allow our cultures and established beliefs cloud what could be, as we struggle to hold onto what already is. Its both a complement to our ability to intellectually persevere and a confession of man's tendency to be narrow-minded in our pursuits.

The ultimate goal of this was to express that we must always keep our eyes open. We can neither lay back and ignore progress, nor allow our knowledge to prevent us from learning more about the world.

In my writing, I always like to knock humanity down to their knees and then build them back up as stronger, more independent individuals. All of my writing focuses on the human journey of self-discovery and universal understanding as our historic notions fall away to be replaced by more mature, wizened understanding of life's many roads.

In essence, we get a bitchslap from reality which allows us to really learn and figure things out. :P
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You're never too old to enjoy flying body parts.  
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Ehndras, you are the prettiest man I have ever seen
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"I am a member of Earth. I enjoy to drink the water. In Earth we have an internal skeleton."

Ehndras

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #147 on: March 23, 2012, 12:40:42 am »

Aye. I'm quite exhausted by it... I've been writing this way since I was 10 years old. I used to pretend to be in my 20s so that people in writing communities wouldn't see my age and automatically stop taking me seriously. The few times I decided to reveal my age, I was ridiculed for it. I have always been said to be wise far beyond my years, but unfortunately people don't react well to such notions. It sickens me that my writing was praised until I was revealed to be a teen, and then suddenly all of my technique and vocabulary was somehow nullified by the fact.

I have nothing in common with anyone below the age of 30 and my writing (as well as my personal life) suffers for it. Honestly, if I wasn't such an eclectic individual, I'd simply be a crabby old man in a twenty year old's body, lmao. Being near most people in the 18-22 range just makes me feel like the most socially-awkward bastard in existence, although I do great with folks in their mid-twenties all the way to their seventies.
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Quote from: Yoink
You're never too old to enjoy flying body parts.  
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Ehndras, you are the prettiest man I have ever seen
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"I am a member of Earth. I enjoy to drink the water. In Earth we have an internal skeleton."

Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #148 on: March 23, 2012, 12:45:09 am »

Same here. I was described by a very drunk friend as "An old man in a young man's body... A victorian gentleman... and that's a compliment..."


The writing industry itself is pretty nasty though. With your writing style unfortunately I feel that unless you could write a piece that captures the publisher's imagination, you would be doomed to write speeches and formal writing.

Because unfortunately, for all publishers can bring a story to life, they will rip the unholy life out of your book and dumb it down if you are approached by the wrong publisher.

That being said, it's good to start small and work your way up; what i've seen is that changing your style gradually often surprises critics.

<--- Did a two year writing course, has multiple contacts in the Australian publishing industry, no responses from publishers as yet though. :P

Gotdamnmiracle

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #149 on: March 23, 2012, 12:48:09 am »

Same here. I was described by a very drunk friend as "An old man in a young man's body... A victorian gentleman... and that's a compliment..."

Jesus... are you guys... me?

Apparently this forum attracts a lot of the same types.
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