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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312820 times)

Tiruin

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #735 on: March 17, 2014, 09:24:24 pm »

Don't cry dudes. Some of us have exams, and are terribly sorry for not submitting anything on time.  :'(
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Xantalos

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #736 on: March 20, 2014, 06:16:02 am »

Know what? This technically isn't really the type of writing that usually comes up in this thread, but it's long enough that I'll post it here - it's an application for a new godhood game, and I got a bit carried away with my character's backstory, as you'll see here:

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Parsely

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #737 on: March 20, 2014, 12:44:30 pm »

*speechless*
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Xantalos

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #738 on: March 20, 2014, 03:00:17 pm »

*looks at spoiler*

Good god what the hell did I write.
Uh. I may have to put in a tl;dr.
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Talvieno

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #739 on: March 20, 2014, 03:08:47 pm »

*looks at spoiler*

Good god what the hell did I write.
Uh. I may have to put in a tl;dr.
*was interested in posting here until I saw this, for this reason*
*discreetly backs out of the thread*
(honestly, I have great difficulty staying under 1k words.)
« Last Edit: March 20, 2014, 03:12:06 pm by Talvieno »
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Xantalos

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #740 on: March 20, 2014, 03:11:34 pm »

Huh? No, that's for the thread I'm putting the thing in, so I don't drive the GM insane. No tl;dr needed here.
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Talvieno

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #741 on: March 20, 2014, 03:16:16 pm »

Ahhhhh, all right. I've never done that sort of thing, so I didn't know. Out of context, it looked like you were shocked by the length of your post. lol
Well, I sure feel stupid now.
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Xantalos

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #742 on: March 20, 2014, 03:17:03 pm »

I kinda am since I wrote it half asleep at 3 in the morning.
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Draignean

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #743 on: March 20, 2014, 08:57:03 pm »

Yep, I waited and waited... but no one came, and I proceeded to cry in a corner :( :'(

Erk. Sorry. I'd give you a tissue, but my disc drive caught fire the last time I tried to send one through the internet.


2nd Place: Elegen et Gerard
Final Notes: Very different, but a good accompaniment to the first place story. This story took second because nothing actually changed during the course of the story. Sure, Gerard ended up dead (along with misc. others), a building caught fire, but there was no development. The characters in question, Gerard and Elegen, are given their personalities and promptly follow along the trajectory dictated by their personality without changing course or interacting.
   In good stories, particularly in the best moments of good stories, people need to change. There are action highs; where blood is spilled, shit gets blown up, and a T-Rex gets magically reanimated. Then there are character highs; where people are bent to the point of breaking, when betrayals come to light, and somehow our heroes end up choosing to remain heroic at the end of the day. This story throws in action, but never character moment. There is no bending or breaking, the characters are simply who they are. A good trait for villain, but not for everyone in a story.
  I would like to see this re-written at an earlier point in Elegen's life. The time around when she was exiled would have been a good place to write from, since it allows you to skinride her for all  (or most) of your character based moments as she spirals down whatever path led her to EVIL.
Spoiler: Annotated Story (click to show/hide)

1st Place: Space Salvage
Final Notes: You are right, cheerful and grumpy is a cliche pairing, but there is nothing wrong with a cliche pairing. Stories have been told for so long that true originality is quite rare indeed, and usually reviled upon first sighting. Telling a good story is not, necessarily, about originality of elements. A good story is about the originality of the telling, which, thankfully, can be strung out in infinite variation with little effort.
    Good story. Funny, made sense, made me smile. I would like to see a longer story where more interaction can be established, but this is just fine for a piece of less than 1000 words.

Spoiler: Annotated Story (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: March 21, 2014, 03:47:46 am by Draignean »
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #744 on: March 21, 2014, 05:46:43 pm »

Draignean: any better?

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Nerjin

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #745 on: March 23, 2014, 10:43:30 pm »

Is this story part of an on-going series Giglamesh?
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #746 on: March 24, 2014, 07:21:40 am »

Is this story part of an on-going series Giglamesh?

No, it was a one off.
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Nerjin

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #747 on: March 24, 2014, 10:50:47 pm »

Well then I'm going to just take this a little bit at a time. Throw in my personal thoughts on the subject. First of all, as a portion of a story I think it has some real potential depending on how you handle it. As it stands I find it a decent read but I do have some problems with it.

EDIT: I broke this up into a TON of spoilers to help me get through it a little easier... My thoughts are, obviously, in brackets.















Anyway... Those are my thoughts. I hope I didn't come off like a dick. Feel free to disregard my advice at your leisure.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #748 on: March 25, 2014, 05:28:30 am »

Ok, I'll try adding where the suit is chafing.

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I abbreviated it because to me it felt like just what they'd do in-story. I like stories that don't feel they have to explain every word and item, but let the reader work them out instead from the context.

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To me it just seemed like a ordinary sentence, but maybe I speak strangely.

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My spellchecker seems to count spiralling as correct, and spiraling as incorrect. Hmmm.
I didn't really want to describe them too much, as I was focused on personalities rather than the actual people - hence why they're in faceless, figure obscurning suits. If I did expand this story further, I'd probably describe cloudview and hopespot more at an earlier point.

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Fair enough. I do describe it as metal corridors and the like, though it could probably do with a bit more. Once again, that's a symptom of me focusing on characters rather than anything else.

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It's an abandoned vessel, and she's naturally joky. She doesn't feel in danger. As mentioned later the wars been over for a long time.

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As a place the characters were highly familiar with, I decided to treat it as if the reader was as well - I felt a description of Mothertree would be out of place. Creds was used mainly because I was lazy and didn't bother to think of something else, so if I did expand the story I'll replace it.

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Aaaaaaargghhhh how did I leave that in, I checked for that aaaarggghhhh

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Yeah, I'll change that. I did word that poorly.

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As previous.

Buoyed up by excitement - made light, lifted up. Basically they're excited enough they don't care about or notice the clunky suits.

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As a warship, it's pretty big, and they had to re-pressurise at the airlock to their own ship. Three hours may be a bit much, if you think it's odd, but I wanted to impress this was a large warship.

I assumed deep kisses would be on the lips by default, especially I just said he removed the helmet. I'll add that in.

Once again, it seems like an ordinary sentence to me, but I may have strange sentence structure.

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They hooked it up because they wanted to see if it was still active.

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Hopespot always manages to see the bright side.


...


This is sincere, nerjin: thanks. I need people to read it and comment on my mistakes and writing oddities or else I'll never improve. A big problem with this thread is most people just post their stuff and ignore the rest (I'm kinda guilty of this as well).
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #749 on: March 31, 2014, 12:46:59 am »

Doublepost, but eh, been long enough. Not really sure what made me write this.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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