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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312939 times)

Leatra

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #480 on: November 25, 2012, 09:22:07 am »

Thanks guys! I'll post it here when I finish the translation of what I wrote so far.
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Leatra

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #481 on: November 26, 2012, 09:18:28 am »

Well, this is the first part.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Maybe when I finish it I'll post everything here or start another thread.
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Cthulhu

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #482 on: November 27, 2012, 12:45:07 pm »

I'm thinking about starting on something.  Probably novella length at least.  Earth is fucked and they send out a bunch of generational ships to various potential habitable planets.  One of them, something goes wrong and the command crew is woken up to fix it.  They're still 200 years from their destination and Earth is gone.  Lord of the Flies in Space happens, and the ensuing chaos ends up killing most of the colonists and scuttling the ship.

I'm thinking about calling it The Raft of the Medusa, but that seems a little pretentious.
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fqllve

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #483 on: November 27, 2012, 11:05:50 pm »

I like that title (but I'm a little pretentious so there you go) and I'd read that book. It's all really plausible and it's a great premise to explore some cool characters, but I think you'd need a little more to hook most people, like it turns out the ship is alive or something, or maybe a subplot with one of the characters. You know? It feels like the start of a really good setup, but there's just something missing.



So I could use some critique on a short story I wrote recently. It's fan fiction (of Homestuck), but I was kinda trying to write fan fiction that isn't fan fiction, so hopefully it will be enjoyable for everyone. It's about 5000 words, so it's somewhat long and it seemed rude to post all that, so this is just the first short segment. But I could really use feedback on the whole thing, so if you'd like to help me with the rest I can PM or email it to you or what have you. I'd particularly like to hear about parts that don't make sense, contradictions, and boring sections, but any notes you have would be helpful.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Skyrunner

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #484 on: November 28, 2012, 08:48:17 am »

The Magnificent Sky Levee-Aquaduct, draft.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This has no story, I know! Don't kill me! Dx
I couldn't muster the will to write more, so I'm just posting it and leaving it here.
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Snoop Lion

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #485 on: November 29, 2012, 02:07:22 am »

Does anyone here write or read short, internal/realist based pieces?
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #486 on: November 29, 2012, 10:39:24 am »

One of the shortest stories you'll ever read:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Reviews, thoughts, anything like that, please.

The Magnificent Sky Levee-Aquaduct, draft.

Not bad, though it should be the overseer oversaw rather than overseed.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2012, 11:35:55 am by GiglameshDespair »
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Fishbreath

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #487 on: November 29, 2012, 11:25:59 am »

One of the shortest stories you'll ever read:

<snip>

Clever. You might want to change 'just how similar the alien was to my species' to '...was to us', though. If I were a more careful reader, that might give away the game a bit early.

GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #488 on: November 29, 2012, 11:35:22 am »

One of the shortest stories you'll ever read:

<snip>

Clever. You might want to change 'just how similar the alien was to my species' to '...was to us', though. If I were a more careful reader, that might give away the game a bit early.

You know, originally I did have '...was to us', but after some tortorous deliberation, I changed it. Now I think i'll change it back. :-\
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fqllve

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #489 on: November 29, 2012, 12:59:29 pm »

Does anyone here write or read short, internal/realist based pieces?
That's probably a good half of what I write, and anything that isn't is highly influenced by it. Realist stuff is also the largest part of what I read, not all of it is psychological in bend, though.

Why do you ask?
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #490 on: November 29, 2012, 02:00:20 pm »

Does anyone here write or read short, internal/realist based pieces?

Well, the stuff I write is typically pretty short. I'll happily read through your stuff, if that's what you want.

Now: Another short story. A bit longer this time. It is called...

Tower-Two-Three  8)


Spoiler (click to show/hide)

EDIT: Fixed a couple of typos.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2012, 03:11:04 pm by GiglameshDespair »
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Solifuge

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #491 on: December 03, 2012, 08:24:09 pm »

Is poetry kosher for this thread? Been musing on things today, and it came out in the form of a poem. I don't consider myself a poet, but feedback and critique is always nice... and I'd be interested in what, if anything, people get from it.

Quote
Bright, the man in the town square
No man of blood and gristle but
His skin holds him together
And he is beautiful

Bronze skin, smooth skin
Polished to catch the eye
Some look at him intently
Seeking marks or tarnish but
They find none

For he is beautiful


Hard, the man in the town square
He stands for days and years but
His skin holds him together
And he is hollow

Bronze skin, thick skin
Molded to be strong
Some rap their knuckles on his chest
Seeking to hear his voice but
An empty note rings

For he is hollow


Still, the man in the town square
No man of blood and gristle but
His skin holds him together
And he was beautiful

Bronze skin, dead skin
Cracked by dust and time
None remember him as he was

But he was beautiful
He was beautiful
He was beautiful
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fqllve

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #492 on: December 03, 2012, 10:49:34 pm »

Bronze skin, smooth skin
Polished to catch the eye
Some look at him intently
Seeking marks or tarnish but
They find none
This stanza starts off really regular in rhythm and then kinda gets unwieldy around the 'seeking marks or tarnish but.' Actually it's the but that throws the whole thing off, if you get rid of it completely it's much better or, if you intended for there to be a long pause, then

Quote
'seeking marks or tarnish
but
they find none'
makes that clearer.

The second 'bronze skin. . .' stanza has the same problem, but there I would reword the fourth line into 'seeking out his voice' since that seems to fit better with the rest.

I also think 'an empty note rings' would have more impact if empty note were the final words. It's good as it is, but it really begs to be phrased like that. Unfortunately I can't come up with any such wording that sounds good.

Actually, other than that I really enjoyed this, especially since you don't consider yourself a poet. The imagery was good (I really like 'his skin holds him together'), it sounds good read aloud, and it is poignant. Because although it's about a statue, that statue is of a man and man can be as hollow and transient as his artifice. I also like the implication that that which relies too much on external worth ignores its internal value ('but he is hollow' 'an empty note rings') and no one will remember it anyway. All in all it was pretty melancholy and well-told.

Thanks for sharing that.
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Urist McScoopbeard

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #493 on: December 04, 2012, 11:58:37 pm »

I read through the last two pages or so, and I must say: I have forgotten how magical this thread (and writing in general) can be.

In my late-night sleeplessness which sets upon me once a month I began flipping through "The Return of The Shadow", which is basically about Tolkien's writing process for LOTR, and it inspired me so much that I created a world for myself. I am now determined write a story for that world, or at least a scene to breath life into that creation.

I wrote a poem earlier (actually started off as an English assignment I was loathing) and I think I'll post that when I awake from my thankful slumber.
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #494 on: December 11, 2012, 09:04:45 pm »

an eight day slumber, Scoopbeard? Wow.

I feel like crossposting from Spearbreakers to see how people think I could improve my writing, but what do you guys think?
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