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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 314325 times)

kingfisher1112

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #420 on: September 27, 2012, 06:51:19 pm »

Thanks for the feedback.
I'll try and fix most of these things with the next chapter I write, but I would not know a way to describe the character without the mirror. Any suggestion on that?
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AlStar

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #421 on: September 28, 2012, 10:34:56 am »

Thanks for the feedback.
I'll try and fix most of these things with the next chapter I write, but I would not know a way to describe the character without the mirror. Any suggestion on that?

Easiest way? Just describe her when it's appropriate.
However, do you need to tell us she's average build, average (more or less) height? I'd leave those out, unless it's really important.

What is important is her eyes. And you've got the perfect setup for those:
She slotted the battery (side note: where's she slotting this thing? Most women come with just the one, and I assume it's not there  ;) ) and her systems immediately sprang to life: Muscles tensed, electronics activated and her brain sparked with activity. Many people she had met had found her blue eyes very disconcerting, but had no idea why: The reason was her eye augments. Able to... etc. etc.

Mr.Zero

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #422 on: September 29, 2012, 08:47:38 am »

Hey, guys.

I run a RTD and i was wondering is someone could check it out. Because i feel that something is out of place and that i'm doing something wrong. For example : I think that i use too much however, trough-out, etc. and that my general writing style is odd.
This may be because English isn't my native language or just general lack of knowledge. Because of that i'd like some help and criticism about what i could do better.

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da_nang

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #423 on: October 01, 2012, 03:42:35 pm »

Oh hey, didn't know this thread existed!
I got... something of a written work. Posted it on another forum but didn't get any responses. I wouldn't mind some thoughts about it. It's a fan fic short story (might be stretching that definition). I have some thoughts of my own about it and I'm worried the ending be a bit rushed. Furthermore, if it's full of cheese, do let me know. (PS, some lore might be needed for context and/or local slang, so ask if you find anything unclear.)
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AlStar

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #424 on: October 01, 2012, 04:26:18 pm »

Oh hey, didn't know this thread existed!
...
 I wouldn't mind some thoughts about it.
Welcome!

I don't have the time to work my way through your entire piece right this moment, but can offer some advise on your first couple of paragrahs, anyway.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Hmm, out of time, I'll try to get back to this later.

Skyrunner

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #425 on: October 02, 2012, 09:34:55 am »

My pointless story I spend forty minutes writing...

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bay12 lower boards IRC:irc.darkmyst.org @ #bay12lb
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #426 on: October 03, 2012, 08:06:52 pm »

Oh my goodness Skyrunner I love your writing style... almost Terry Pratchett-like. I eagerly await more.

As for critiquing, there's little I can say that is bad about it. Some of the... eh... turn of phrase is a bit odd, but one could put that down to Emmanuel's speech patterns being like that naturally.

All in all I loved it. I want to see more. MORE. MORE

Tiruin

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #427 on: October 03, 2012, 08:17:40 pm »

Oh my goodness Skyrunner I love your writing style... almost Terry Pratchett-like. I eagerly await more.
She showed me the form in IRC first before posting here.

And I can't believe my post-critique didn't go through XD (I blame my net)

In all other words, that is brilliant for something you whipped up in a short time (I believe it was < 30 minutes, Sky?)

I can't say what needs critique actually. You make it obvious that the narrator is the man, and that the man has his own mannerisms of speaking. That was real nice there.
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Reudh

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #428 on: October 03, 2012, 08:23:05 pm »

IRC? Gimmeh!

kilakan

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #429 on: October 03, 2012, 09:04:58 pm »

Posting to follow mostly, I find myself in a writing class at University that demands about 3000-4000 words worth of writing a week so I'll probably toss a few things by you guys.  Unless someone thinks that is underhanded, but honestly the markers don't give any feedback on my writing what so ever, thus trying to pull my marks above the 65 percentile is proving to be horrifically hard.
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Skyrunner

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #430 on: October 04, 2012, 08:10:39 am »

Oh my goodness Skyrunner I love your writing style... almost Terry Pratchett-like. I eagerly await more. (1)

As for critiquing, there's little I can say that is bad about it. Some of the... eh... turn of phrase is a bit odd, but one could put that down to Emmanuel's speech patterns being like that naturally.  (2)

(1) I think that's because he's my main influence on my "novel" writing style :P Dry humor in bucketfuls.

(2) That might be where I need to fix things ... can you pinpoint exactly where is odd? D:

In all other words, that is brilliant for something you whipped up in a short time (I believe it was < 30 minutes, Sky?)

More like an hour or so. I remember that my dad told me to sleep like ten times...
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bay12 lower boards IRC:irc.darkmyst.org @ #bay12lb
"Oh, they never lie. They dissemble, evade, prevaricate, confoud, confuse, distract, obscure, subtly misrepresent and willfully misunderstand with what often appears to be a positively gleeful relish ... but they never lie" -- Look To Windward

Fishbreath

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #431 on: October 04, 2012, 09:03:32 am »

Quote from: kilakan
Posting to follow mostly, I find myself in a writing class at University that demands about 3000-4000 words worth of writing a week so I'll probably toss a few things by you guys.  Unless someone thinks that is underhanded, but honestly the markers don't give any feedback on my writing what so ever, thus trying to pull my marks above the 65 percentile is proving to be horrifically hard.

3000-4000 words a week? Holy cow. Maybe if I spent two days on nothing but writing I could manage that, but I certainly don't have that much time now, and I don't remember having that much time in college. :P On that same note, I'm always impressed by people like Skyrunner who are capable of writing decently off the cuff; these days I can't stand anything I don't put to paper before I type (that's a me problem, I expect; I type waaaay faster than I think, and I offer nothing but kudos to those whose brains can keep up).

My quest to get more fully behind my writing is ongoing. I spent an hour or two a few days back remembering PHP and putting proper navigation links on my website, and hopefully that fulfilled the last requirement for internet serial fiction index Web Fiction Guide. I've also been trying to get a past story edited for ebook publication, but revisiting old writing is hard for me to do. I've got a camping trip planned this weekend; maybe I'll print it out with nice double-spacing and take it along. The lack of distractions should help.

Skyrunner

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #432 on: October 04, 2012, 09:08:41 am »

3000~4000 words? D: That's really long.
My story up there is around 1300 words... >.> And one of the essays I've written in English class a year ago clocks in at only 700.
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bay12 lower boards IRC:irc.darkmyst.org @ #bay12lb
"Oh, they never lie. They dissemble, evade, prevaricate, confoud, confuse, distract, obscure, subtly misrepresent and willfully misunderstand with what often appears to be a positively gleeful relish ... but they never lie" -- Look To Windward

The Fool

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #433 on: October 04, 2012, 09:53:38 am »

@Skyrunner: I don't usually visit this thread, but apparently I might have to. That was amazing. Your writing has the feel of Terry Pratchett, and the randomness of a Douglas Adams book. I can't wait to see more. If it ever gets published somewhere, whether it be a short story or a novel, let me know and I'll order a copy.
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Fishbreath

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #434 on: October 04, 2012, 10:08:01 am »

A wise fellow writer once remarked to me that amateur editors who say where things don't work for them are right more than wrong, and the ones who say what's not working are wrong more than right.

Spoiler: Comments for Skyrunner (click to show/hide)

Honestly, there isn't much to say—it's a great vignette, and anyone who can tell a story in that short a form has talent. I could nitpick about grammar more, as is my style, but I'm not sure how productive that would be.
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