Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Supermikhail]

Okay, thanks, but

The problem with reading that poem is... kind of twofold: first, I just remembered that it wasn't meant for the public, but just as an exercise. However, I guess I thought it would sort of go unnoticed in this thread, or at least no one would try to think about it too much. The second part comes from how I composed the piece, namely: got up in the morning after a strange computer-gamey dream, thought up a phrase and tried to find a pattern in it. For whatever reason, the pattern went all underground. So, it's not like the poem is meant to be strenuously figured out, it's that it wasn't meant for the public.

So, I don't know, do you have any desire to figure out which bits actually rhyme or rhythm with which, or should I spoil it?

Oh, last one. Yeah, I can see some rough word usage... I wish it were a piece I could bother about fixing...

Yeah yeah, I'm a hypocrite, it's a writer's apprenticeship, not writer's showmanship, I should have thought better about posting a several months old writing... but on the other hand I thought it was sort of good, considering the amount of time I had poured into it. And not that hard to figure out.

[fqllve]

Huh? I didn't have any trouble figuring it out. Unless you're saying I scanned it incorrectly, and while I admit it was hastily done I'd still bet it's pretty accurate. Anyway, don't worry about fixing it, just wanted to put a focus on your meter. I like to think of it in terms of musical time and rhythm. You only have so many fundamental beats but you may divide them as many times as you feel comfortable with. Except with poetry you have way more room for fudging. I sometimes steal rhythms from melody lines and play around with them, which sounds kind of like what you did.

You could actually try scanning poems you like, if you've never done it. I've found stuff like that immensely helpful. If you're not quite comfortable doing it here are a couple references.

[Supermikhail]

Time for a shameful secret: I don't actually read poetry. I assume if I continued writing I'd get there in the end. Or maybe not... I listen to a lot of rhyming music, so I guess that's my thing, and maybe aspiration.

Now, you wouldn't be surprised if I said that my poem follows an ABCD ABCD E pattern? (I don't know if capitals mean anything in this notation.)

[Reudh]

I was good at poetry, years ago.

In the throes of my depression in 2005, I wrote a 33 line poem that rhymed AABBCCAA. The (state) school took one look at it and said "you didn't meet the requirements", because I rhymed 'adieu' with 'blue'.

[fqllve]

What? That's the same vowel though! That's literally as perfect a rhyme you can get. What possible reason could they have given for that being unacceptable? This is why I write blank verse.

[scriver]

I don't think adieu and blue rhymes at all. It's not the same sound, I mean.

Still, shameful to fail it on a thing like that if the rest of it rhymes.

[fqllve]

Only if you use the French vowel, which doesn't exist in English. English speakers almost always just use [ u ] unless they've taken French classes. Actually I've been in French classes where they didn't get that vowel right.

[scriver]

But it's such an easy sound! And, if I'm not completely mistaken, you do use a close brother of it in words like "burger". "Beurger". Kind of.

[Reudh]

With all due respect, I was thirteen when I wrote it.

[fqllve]

In some accents it sounds pretty close, but in Standard American it's closer to a schwa. It is a very nice vowel, though, one of a couple favorites of mine in French. Anyway, I can't imagine why they'd expect a thirteen year-old to be aware of any of this.

So! Stories not vowels (good name for a hipster folk ballad band).

Spoiler: There's Only One Way to Kill a Dragon (click to show/hide)

"I wish I had a magical sword," Claude said as he and Elle walked down the road back to Villeton.

"What for?" Elle inquired. She was a girl and she had been taught by her mother to question everything, especially the things Claude, her future husband, said, for that was what was expected of a woman.

"What for?" Claude parroted. "What for??" he stammered again with extra inquisitiveness. "So I could slay a dragon or something. I dunno, I really hadn't put much thought into it."

Elle imagined a dragon and smiled as wide as a cabbage at the thought of Claude murdering it for being different. And how many ways there were for him to kill it! Her very most favorite had to be beheading. The magical sword would easily cut through the dragon's thick spine. "That would be amazing!" she said.

"I know. I wish I had one." Claude folded his arms, matching his posture to his sagely words.

Sadly, magical swords were only for rich little boys

[Supermikhail]

I've seen this one somewhere. Is it already becoming a classic? Are you writing a sequel by any chance?

Sadly, it's so ingrained in my memory that I really can't criticize. It's like... criticizing the Little Red Riding Hood. You can do lots of verbal things with it, but not criticize.

[fqllve]

Seen it before? Where? I'll admit it's a general parody of fairytales but I didn't have a specific one in mind while writing it. What one are you talking about?

[Supermikhail]

Dunno. Deja vu? I'm sure I've seen this very story somewhere. Have you got it on deviantart, or something?

[fqllve]

Certainly not! Seriously this exact story? It must be deja vu because I haven't really shown this to anyone, but just in case, if you remember where you saw it would you mind letting me know?

[Supermikhail]

Okay. Search helps. B12 Writers Guild - http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=63632.msg3116891#msg3116891 Not a deja vu. I never seem to get them.