Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Tiruin]

Another note: If in doubt, write! Keep at it even if it's filled with errors that would make Mark Twain twist in his grave! Just, make sure you proof read your own work. It's easy to miss errors on things you, yourself make.

If your sentence leads to another and needs a comma, put that comma.

"This includes words that a character says that are followed on by things not said," the narrator continued, rubbing his temple as he inspected his writing.

Quotation marks (' '),(" ") have no difference in their usage.
'One can be stated like this.'
"Or this."
And the meaning is still the same, if you read older books (~1900's) or the Lord of the Rings six books "trilogy", then you would know the difference.

there are two stories on which i have worked for a long time. i want for someone to check them and criticise.

The Diary

The Librarian

thank you.

Taking these then. Apologies if my criticism isn't what you expect as I don't criticize others that much, or their works (I can't even word this sentence right.)

Spoiler: The Diary (click to show/hide)

First, your errors.
> Sentence construction begins with a Capital Letter at the beginning of the first word, following a period. Like this.
> Next, there needs to be more detail to the area. Your starting paragraph is good, but in the least go detail the general areas. When meeting other people, a short description of how they look and what direction they're facing (if it's important to the next action) would do.
> Also, give life to your characters. Imagine yourself reading it as an onlooker- one who did not know the contents, and see how the characters are made.
>Prepositions have a big impact on the words they modify.

"There was a harsh rapping on the door, followed by sounds of someone lashing out at it with his boot. Light spewed from the outside as it fell down with a crash, torn from it's hinges and lifting a cloud of dust from it's rest.

Then, they entered. Burly men, it seemed, shrouded by the shadows. They seemed armed, most likely with pistols- an easily hidden but deadly weapon. A person was sitting behind the desk with his back facing the men. He turned around in surprise but there was something else. His face had the look of a weary man, tired from the goings of the day. One of the figures approached him and pressed a pistol to his forehead without any word or demand. There were no pleas for mercy- the tired looking man just stared right back at the gunman, his face a mask concealing any emotion. 'Get it over with' his body language cried.

The man holding the pistol pulled the trigger. Out came the bullet along with an ear breaking sound. The victim's eyes rolled towards his temple by the blast, it went right through the person’s head. Bits of brain and blood splattered all over the area, the man wiped his gun with a sneer.

“Excellent,” one of them said with a chuckle. He pointed at the other figure. “Clean up,” he ordered. The figure nodded and proceeded without any complaint as the other two left him to finish the deed.

>The last line had

“excellent.” one of them said. he pointed at one of the figures. “clean up” he said. the figure nodded. the other two left.

The error here was that it seems at first that there are more than two figures other than the gunman who executed our victim, the last sentence clarifies it.

>For those diary entries, you are not the author technically. Your character is, so whatever emotion he is feeling must be in his style. If nervous, his scrawl may be quick and to the point, sometimes veering off topic due to the rushing thoughts.

> Take note, that I repeated the word 'seemed' a lot in my edition, annoying isn't it? As you're using English, you have freedom of Synonyms! Use them to stop using the same word that is being used. 

The whole story is good, needs polishing, but good nonetheless. The hint of mystery is there, you should just expound it and detail it out.

Also, I'm a bit pretentious when it comes to these. 

Spoiler: The Librarian (click to show/hide)

> Far better improvement! Remember to Capitalize the "I"!
> Remember your verb tenses and the subject-verb agreement. You have some errors in the time (past verbs with present nouns)
> Use punctuation more: the colon (, semi-colon ( among the others
> If you are referencing reality, get the names right (even if it is fantasy based on reality), nothing is worse than seeing your own country misspelled by another writer.
> The comma and period could be put to better use in giving emphasis on emotion. Pausing for that certain 'effect'.
> Go into more detail on those topics that are being narrated, insert small details about the place and history.
> Remember to re-read your work! It is easier to miss errors in personal works so when you do re-read it, look at it from a reader's perspective. No knowledge at all of what he/she's reading. You will spot your errors easier then.
> I've read that certain expressions (sigh) are flanked by the asterisk, unsure if that is right though. *yawn*
> Flesh out your character, if it doesn't sound believable to you, then it isn't. Write it as if the whole story is unfolding right in front of you, and everything must be taken down in words. Build up that plot by adding more details, but don't stray from the main point!

he turned and saw a black figure appear next to him. it was tall, standing on two legs, had thumbs, and was carrying a scythe. YOU PONIES ARE A BAFFLING SORT INDEED. he said. Flame stared at him. was he unusually...thin? “you are Death.” INDEED I AM. “so what’s in store for me? do i cross the bridge, or not?” I PREFER TO THINK OF THE FUTURE IN A MUCH LESS... DECIDED UPON WAY. Death said. THE CHOICE IS YOURS. WALK. OR TURN AROUND. Flame looked at the bridge, nervous. Death crouched and picked up a cat. it was not a special cat, just a brown striped ordinary house cat. Death started petting it. I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PONIES. YOU HAD A PERFECT WORLD. AND YOU BLEW IT TO THIS STATE, OVER SOME ROCKS. Death said. the cat started to purr gently. A SPECIES, CAPABLE OF GREAT FRIENDSHIP, JOY AND EMOTION. I HATED COMING HERE. I ALMOST FELT GUILTY FOR TAKING A PONY. BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE FINAL DESTINATION. ME. Death said. Flame thought about it. was it really worth it? was dying the only way out of this mess? a small hole appeared in the clouds. there were stars visible. “what should i do, White Bell?” Flame asked. Do better. the answer formed in his head. Flame turned towards Death. “did you do this?” NO. was the answer. Death let the cat go. the cat walked leisurely towards Flame. He started petting the cat. then the cat ran away. INTERESTING. Death said. “what? what’s interesting?” Flame asked, confused. NOTHING. Death said. Flame took a deep breath. he lifted his foreleg. and then he turned away. I AM GLAD IT TURNED OUT THIS WAY. OH, AND I BELIEVE THERE’S SOMETHING GOOD ON THE RADIO. Death said and winked. then he disappeared. Flame tuned into the broadcast.

> Use quotation marks to state when someone is saying what. Usually when something is WRITTEN IN FULL CAPS (CAPS LOCK IS ON OR YOU ARE HOLDING YOUR SHIFT KEY DOWN TOO LONG) many people 'see' it as shouting. Though, I see what message you are trying to convey, try to not abuse the Caps lock-- it is both unethical and considered out of form in writing (formal and informal).

>I see that you're describing non-human characters, meaning you're leaning towards fantasy. Get into detail in those descriptions, the reader cannot assume based on foreknowledge of the topic. If this is a fanfic, then it's...alright, for those who are familiar with what you're topic and style are.

Again, sorry if it sounds too much. I'm unsure as to which PoV (Point of View) you're narrating from in the first. Unsure too, about when you wrote both.

It may be partly biased as some tips are drawn from my own experience in writing stories and crafting lore, another apology there.

For future reference, if I'm having a 'first time' moment, I'm pretty self-conscious about my work.

Should update the links, will edit below
> Becoming a Writer - Climbing the stairs on the road to writing.
> Grammar errors? I say nay! - This shows common beliefs on grammar broken down by the hard facts of a writer's world.
> Writer's Block, need pushing - Some tips on what you can do when you can't think of what to write, a bit opinionated though.
> "I can write!"- The page name is 'Finding your Writer's voice', the whole website is basically a treasure trove of information! This is a guide.
@Phantom: If you're going to use these links, please edit as you see fit.

[Tiruin]

Edited out, you have to hate those Gateway Timeouts...

So as to not waste this post.
@Phantom of the Library: A character limit for future prompts could help, a short story can vary in length.

Also, suggested thread rename to +The Bookkeeper's Archive+ or something that revolves around the DF theme. The Bookkeeper noble is the nearest I could find in the vanilla game  .

[kerlc]

thank you for the criticsm. As far as the capital is concerned, that's more a Gdocs problem, because it isn't automated, and when i write, i forget to do it. 

But thanks anyway!

[The Fool]

I would get into the habit of capitalizing. Sometimes you will want something capitalized, and sometimes you won't. Character names, city names, and the odd reference to an event should all be capitalized and the machine won't catch all of it, even if it is automated. It's better to be sure and do it by hand than to leave it to the machine.

[kerlc]

oh, nononononono. i am well used to capitalizing Names. it's the beginnings of sentences taht get me every time. like just now. plus, these two stories were a lot about experimentation. you see, english is not my native tongue. these weere two attempts at making a longer story written in english. and i publised the Diary on a forum. it sparked a flame war between the local teenager club and bronies, and was about whether i was gay or not. it lasted 2 days, then the topic got deleted, i got perma-banned. well, enough about me. i am way better at writing short stories than long ones anyway.

[Tiruin]

Get into the habit of noting down your capitalization, mostly when people on forums see things like that (sorry, just stating) they would think lesser of you just by the wording.

English is also not my native tongue, though you can get it easily. Note, that if you do publish things like those, beware that it may likely get to the emotions of other people. It is a story by the way, and stories give part of your thoughts out, most likely it was a misunderstanding. But...watch what you type though, the proper use of words and formatting would at least give the impression that you know what you're saying; and not trolling or flaming.

[kerlc]

yeah, i know what you mean. but you must understand that i am a 15 year old teenager, and a shy one at that. so jsut making a topic in the "creations" section was hard enough.

oh, and have a look at this short story. it's about someone going batshit insane.

Spoiler: Laughter (click to show/hide)

Laughter
    I need my laughter. It’s my shield, my defense against things that might hurt me. I need it as much as other people need friends, i need it to keep sane.
    When I was bullied in school, I laughed. When I got stabbed, I laughed. When I got my heart broken, i laughed. Ha-ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
    When my brother died in a car accident was the first time i did not laugh. It felt awful. It lasted only a few days, but it felt like ages. There was no shield, no protection for me. Everything that hurt me, got to me. I was alone, frightened, insecure, and deeply hurt. Then i met a new friend. Laughter returned. And then my mum died.
    It happened a year ago. She hung herself in the bathroom. I still remember her face when i found her. It was dark blue, almost black. That face haunts me. I see it in my nightmares, I barely have any sleep at all, the grades in school began to plummet. And all that time, that face.
    I still hear it in my nightmares. It’s all your fault. If you’d been a better son, this wouldn’t have happened. If only you’d be like your brother. It says. And I try to laugh back at it. Ha-ha, ha, ha. It does nothing. I am exposed, my soul is tormented, hurt, and laughter is no longer a shield. I am alone.
    It happened a year ago. My dad was badly hurt. Now he has another woman. “She’s your stepmother” He says. My sister and i disagree. She is evil. She does not care about us. Ha-ha, ha, ha. If she was gone... Maybe i’d laugh again. When she is around, all the joy simply vanishes from me. Ha-ha, ha, ha.
    Suddenly I see a face before me. I recognize the patterns in it’s dark blueness. What are you waiting for?  It asks. I can’t. It’s not right! There are worse wrongs happening on this world.  It replies. I... I... Just grab a knife and be done with it!  It says. I see no reason to oppose. I go into the kitchen. Ha-ha, ha, ha, ha. I grab the knife. Ha-ha, ha, ha. The face is right. I enter the room. She sleeps on the bed. Ha-ha, ha, ha. I stab. And stab again, and again, and again, and again, and again....
    ….......Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha.......

***

    “No, really, Jones, you should beware of the new kid.” Said a figure dressed in white. “Why?” Asks the other one. “Well, he killed his step-mother in cold blood, stabbed her fifty times or so, and when the police found him, he sat there, bloodied knife in his bloody hand. He laughed.” “Whoa.” Says the second figure, shocked. “And where is he now?” It asks “Holding room no. 6. He keeps laughing.” The first one replies. They go past a door with a brass number 6 on it. There is a sound coming from inside.
    “Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha, ha, ha.....”
________________
Also in Gdocs!

[EmeraldWind]

I'll take a stab at the "Quest for the Orb of Zot."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Tap. Tap. Clink. Tap. Click.

The strange noise echoed through the halls of the catacombs. It was the only sign that someone was there who should not be.

Clink. Scratch. Tap. Tap. Click.

The sound of someone suddenly breathing out could be heard. It eerily rattled through dark and dankness.

"I think that was it," a voice said calmly. "Now let's see if it works."

Clank. Creeeeeeaaaaaak.

Suddenly, a light fills the hallway as an old thick wooden door opens. Two figures can be seen in the door frame. They both let out triumphant bellows.

"That door had a very complex lock for something so old," said the first figure as he stood up and brushed off his knees.

"I know the door is elf craft," said the second holding up the light and inspecting the back of the door. On the back was a clockwork of mechanisms covering every inch. "But the lock appears to be dwarven."

"An elf-made door concealing a dwarf-made lock," said the first shaking his head. "No wonder nobody ever figured out how to open it. The poor idiots probably never spent any time in a mountain home. Though, that lock was tough to crack even by dwarven standards."

"Hmmm," the second mused as he inspected the door further. "Ah, this mechanism here is an artifact. Most likely the dwarf that crafted this put the entire lock together."

The first walks over and with a little work disengages the mechanism from the lock. He puts it in his pack and the two begin to walk down the corridor. 

"Why did you take that? You know the clockwork lock is more valuable than that artifact mechanism."

"Nobody will look twice at a broken lock," the first said. "We can come back later and be sure nobody will have messed with it."

"True," the second chuckled.

These two young men begin to examine the walls and floor. They wipe dust from the floor and tap the walls. After a bit of this they look at each other confused.

"Hey Tinker," the second man states. "There's no traps here."

"No," Tinker begins looking back down at the section of wall he was examining a moment ago. "This is weird. Maybe, they were really confident in that lock. Though, that seems very unlikely."

Tinker reaches in his backpack and pulls out the mechanism he took from the lock. The mechanism reflected the torchlight. As he turned it in his hand he noticed a subtle engraving on the piece.

"There's an engraving on the artifact," Tinker said. "Maybe this artifact has a secret power. Can you read it, Ledger?"

"You can't read dwarven engravings," Leger said thoughtfully. "They are usually just abstract pictures."

"But I knew a dwarf that could look at an engraving and tell me what it was about down to a date," Tinker frowned.

"I don't know," Ledger shrugged. "I always assumed the dwarves were just bull-shitting us."

Tinker laughed and it echoed oddly down the dark corridor. In the distance, it seemed to take on an almost metal sound.

They explored several tunnels and eventually came to a large room. In the center of the room was a pedastal with a clear cube on it.

"A cube," Tinker said disappointed. "I thought we finally found the Orb of Zot. All that research, all that time was a dead-end again."

"It may not be what we want, but we can probably make a good bit from lock and this cube thing."

They slowly approach the pedestal. Tinker stoops to the ground and begins to inspect for traps and Ledger stares at the cube attempting to appraise its value.

"No traps," Tinker said standing up. "I don't get it. Why are there no traps?"

Ledger walks closer and picks up the cube and holds it in the air. Suddenly, Ledger smiles an lets out a triumphant call.   

"This IS The Orb of Zot," Ledger shouts.

"You're joking, right?"

"No, look up at it in the light from a closer angle."

Tinker steps closer and looks up. He can see through the cube but as he tilts his head the faint reflection light hitting something round is barely seen.

"They embedded the Orb inside a crystal glass cube," Ledger states.

They both shout for joy. They leave the room and head out through the corridor. Though their joyful celebration ends short when they reach the door they used to enter the area.

The door was ripped from its hinges and broken in half. The clockwork lock's many mechanisms are shatter and strewn about.

"Aw, shit." Tinker said with annoyance. "How did this happen?"

Tinker throws the artifact mechanism down the corridor through the door.

"Hey don't do that," Ledger yells. "We can still sell that."

"We have the orb," Tinker says calmly. "We don't need money anymore. I only wanted the lock to install in our vault."

"Nonetheless I thought the artifact was interesting." Ledger says as he walks through the door and out of sight looking for where the mechanism went.

Ledger's torch light goes out and Tinker hears Ledger yelp.

"Did you trip on something?" Tinker begins to follow Ledger's path through the door.

He looks around and doesn't see Ledger at first. Tinker looks down and spies the artifact sitting on the ground propped against the wall.

"I found the artifact," Tinker said. "Where are you? Ledger?"

"I'm... here." Ledger said hoarsely.

Tinker squints his eyes and sees a silhouette just out of torch light.

"Come on, the way back is this way." Tinker says to Ledger.

"I... can't... find my torch... can you... bring yours over here... closer... to me?"

Tinker sighs and walks toward Ledger.

"You sound like you're crying, what happened did you sprain your ankle?"

"Yess."

Ledger must have been a bit further than it looked. Tinker tripped over an unlit torch.

"Here it is," said Tinker relieved. "I found your torch. Come over here."

Tinker hears a sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing with a dull thud. Whatever it was landed at the light's edge. He gets a better look at it.

Tinker's heart sinks as he sees Ledger's head staring up at him.

"What," he says out of shock.

He looks up and still sees the silhouette. He looks back down at the head.

"ARRRGGGGH..." his own screams cut short by a noise that is usually only heard in nightmares.

Tinker runs. However, something happens. A strange unfamiliar smell is in the air. His skin begins to burn and turn red. Something slashes at him and tears at his arm severing it at the shoulder. His backpack falls to the ground and he continues to run without looking back. He gives into the pain and collapses.

He is aware is skin is melting. His eyes focus on something shining in his torch light. It is roundish... metal. It is the artifact mechanism. In this angle, he can see the engraving. It was etched into a gem covering. A similar trick to how the Orb of Zot was hidden makes it visible to him now.

He looks a moment. As his vision goes out of focus the engraving is etched in his mind. In a moment of clarity, he realizes what it is. He sees his greatest mistake. A single moment of frustration cost him everything.

This is a adamantine mechanism. All craftdwarfship is of the highest quality. On it is an image of a dwarf and a demon in crystal glass. The dwarf is holding up an adamantine mechanism and the demon is cowering in fear.

[Tiruin]

I'm...taking

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Tap. Tap. Clink. Tap. Click.

The strange noise echoed through the halls of the catacombs. It was the only sign that someone was there who should not be.

Clink. Scratch. Tap. Tap. Click.

The sound of someone suddenly breathing out could be heard. It eerily rattled through dark and dankness.

"I think that was it," a voice said calmly. "Now let's see if it works."

Clank. Creeeeeeaaaaaak.

Suddenly, a light fills the hallway as an old thick wooden door opens. Two figures can be seen in the door frame. They both let out triumphant bellows.

"That door had a very complex lock for something so old," said the first figure as he stood up and brushed off his knees.

"I know the door is elf craft," said the second holding up the light and inspecting the back of the door. On the back was a clockwork of mechanisms covering every inch. "But the lock appears to be dwarven."

"An elf-made door concealing a dwarf-made lock," said the first shaking his head. "No wonder nobody ever figured out how to open it. The poor idiots probably never spent any time in a mountain home. Though, that lock was tough to crack even by dwarven standards."

"Hmmm," the second mused as he inspected the door further. "Ah, this mechanism here is an artifact. Most likely the dwarf that crafted this put the entire lock together."

The first walks over and with a little work disengages the mechanism from the lock. He puts it in his pack and the two begin to walk down the corridor. 

"Why did you take that? You know the clockwork lock is more valuable than that artifact mechanism."

"Nobody will look twice at a broken lock," the first said. "We can come back later and be sure nobody will have messed with it."

"True," the second chuckled.

These two young men begin to examine the walls and floor. They wipe dust from the floor and tap the walls. After a bit of this they look at each other confused.

"Hey Tinker," the second man states. "There's no traps here."

"No," Tinker begins looking back down at the section of wall he was examining a moment ago. "This is weird. Maybe, they were really confident in that lock. Though, that seems very unlikely."

Tinker reaches in his backpack and pulls out the mechanism he took from the lock. The mechanism reflected the torchlight. As he turned it in his hand he noticed a subtle engraving on the piece.

"There's an engraving on the artifact," Tinker said. "Maybe this artifact has a secret power. Can you read it, Ledger?"

"You can't read dwarven engravings," Leger said thoughtfully. "They are usually just abstract pictures."

"But I knew a dwarf that could look at an engraving and tell me what it was about down to a date," Tinker frowned.

"I don't know," Ledger shrugged. "I always assumed the dwarves were just bull-shitting us."

Tinker laughed and it echoed oddly down the dark corridor. In the distance, it seemed to take on an almost metal sound.

They explored several tunnels and eventually came to a large room. In the center of the room was a pedastal with a clear cube on it.

"A cube," Tinker said disappointed. "I thought we finally found the Orb of Zot. All that research, all that time was a dead-end again."

"It may not be what we want, but we can probably make a good bit from lock and this cube thing."

They slowly approach the pedestal. Tinker stoops to the ground and begins to inspect for traps and Ledger stares at the cube attempting to appraise its value.

"No traps," Tinker said standing up. "I don't get it. Why are there no traps?"

Ledger walks closer and picks up the cube and holds it in the air. Suddenly, Ledger smiles an lets out a triumphant call.   

"This IS The Orb of Zot," Ledger shouts.

"You're joking, right?"

"No, look up at it in the light from a closer angle."

Tinker steps closer and looks up. He can see through the cube but as he tilts his head the faint reflection light hitting something round is barely seen.

"They embedded the Orb inside a crystal glass cube," Ledger states.

They both shout for joy. They leave the room and head out through the corridor. Though their joyful celebration ends short when they reach the door they used to enter the area.

The door was ripped from its hinges and broken in half. The clockwork lock's many mechanisms are shatter and strewn about.

"Aw, shit." Tinker said with annoyance. "How did this happen?"

Tinker throws the artifact mechanism down the corridor through the door.

"Hey don't do that," Ledger yells. "We can still sell that."

"We have the orb," Tinker says calmly. "We don't need money anymore. I only wanted the lock to install in our vault."

"Nonetheless I thought the artifact was interesting." Ledger says as he walks through the door and out of sight looking for where the mechanism went.

Ledger's torch light goes out and Tinker hears Ledger yelp.

"Did you trip on something?" Tinker begins to follow Ledger's path through the door.

He looks around and doesn't see Ledger at first. Tinker looks down and spies the artifact sitting on the ground propped against the wall.

"I found the artifact," Tinker said. "Where are you? Ledger?"

"I'm... here." Ledger said hoarsely.

Tinker squints his eyes and sees a silhouette just out of torch light.

"Come on, the way back is this way." Tinker says to Ledger.

"I... can't... find my torch... can you... bring yours over here... closer... to me?"

Tinker sighs and walks toward Ledger.

"You sound like you're crying, what happened did you sprain your ankle?"

"Yess."

Ledger must have been a bit further than it looked. Tinker tripped over an unlit torch.

"Here it is," said Tinker relieved. "I found your torch. Come over here."

Tinker hears a sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing with a dull thud. Whatever it was landed at the light's edge. He gets a better look at it.

Tinker's heart sinks as he sees Ledger's head staring up at him.

"What," he says out of shock.

He looks up and still sees the silhouette. He looks back down at the head.

"ARRRGGGGH..." his own screams cut short by a noise that is usually only heard in nightmares.

Tinker runs. However, something happens. A strange unfamiliar smell is in the air. His skin begins to burn and turn red. Something slashes at him and tears at his arm severing it at the shoulder. His backpack falls to the ground and he continues to run without looking back. He gives into the pain and collapses.

He is aware is skin is melting. His eyes focus on something shining in his torch light. It is roundish... metal. It is the artifact mechanism. In this angle, he can see the engraving. It was etched into a gem covering. A similar trick to how the Orb of Zot was hidden makes it visible to him now.

He looks a moment. As his vision goes out of focus the engraving is etched in his mind. In a moment of clarity, he realizes what it is. He sees his greatest mistake. A single moment of frustration cost him everything.

This is a adamantine mechanism. All craftdwarfship is of the highest quality. On it is an image of a dwarf and a demon in crystal glass. The dwarf is holding up an adamantine mechanism and the demon is cowering in fear.

this, though Phantom hasn't said anything if I can critique or not.

Also, will edit post + my own story for the Orb later.

Spoiler: Criticism (click to show/hide)

> You're using too many onomatopoeias. But, the effect is sound. A tad bit more description could help if you're aiming for visualization of the place.
> More detail on the whole place, the 'clockwork of mechanisms' seems a bit vague when you describe it. From the view of someone having no knowledge of DF or any RPG, it would seem strange when those actions happen. The size and shape of them in general would do.
> Tiny mistake, shatter - shattered.
> Perspective.

Ledger's torch light goes out and Tinker hears Ledger yelp.

You could change to third person here or straight from Tinker's eyes. The reason was explained sentences later, but some confusion was made for I thought that Ledger yelped due to the lack of light.

> Show the emotions. Yes, saying them and using formatting would help- but when describing, show what your characters are feeling. The Orb of Zot seems to be a legendary artifact, what did they feel when seeing it?

Though, you do well in conveying emotion by their words.
> Other than having the characters say it:

"Here it is," said Tinker relieved. "I found your torch. Come over here."

Tinker hears a sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing with a dull thud. Whatever it was landed at the light's edge. He gets a better look at it.

Tinker's heart sinks as he sees Ledger's head staring up at him.

"What," he says out of shock.

He looks up and still sees the silhouette. He looks back down at the head.

"ARRRGGGGH..." his own screams cut short by a noise that is usually only heard in nightmares.

You could generally describe their actions from the third person perspective. The essence of time is invaluable if you want to build up suspense. The bolded area shows the timeframe, you need to describe that part in detail.

The 'What' could have a question mark, or some other punctuation to emphasize the shock.

> Try looking at things from your character's perspective. What else is there? Seemed like a blank place to hold the Orb.

It's (my spoiler) a bit opinionated, just to point it out. Good story! Needs a bit more detail, the ending eluded me. Then the analogy sunk in 

[The Fool]

If this works like any of the other Guild threads I'd say that you can feel free to critique the writing.

I'll take a stab at the "Quest for the Orb of Zot."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Tap. Tap. Clink. Tap. Click.

The strange noise echoed through the halls of the catacombs. It was the only sign that someone was there who should not be.

Clink. Scratch. Tap. Tap. Click.

The sound of someone suddenly breathing out could be heard. It eerily rattled through dark and dankness.

"I think that was it," a voice said calmly. "Now let's see if it works."

Clank. Creeeeeeaaaaaak.

Suddenly, a light fills the hallway as an old thick wooden door opens. Two figures can be seen in the door frame. They both let out triumphant bellows.

"That door had a very complex lock for something so old," said the first figure as he stood up and brushed off his knees.

"I know the door is elf craft," said the second holding up the light and inspecting the back of the door. On the back was a clockwork of mechanisms covering every inch. "But the lock appears to be dwarven."

"An elf-made door concealing a dwarf-made lock," said the first shaking his head. "No wonder nobody ever figured out how to open it. The poor idiots probably never spent any time in a mountain home. Though, that lock was tough to crack even by dwarven standards."

"Hmmm," the second mused as he inspected the door further. "Ah, this mechanism here is an artifact. Most likely the dwarf that crafted this put the entire lock together."

The first walks over and with a little work disengages the mechanism from the lock. He puts it in his pack and the two begin to walk down the corridor. 

"Why did you take that? You know the clockwork lock is more valuable than that artifact mechanism."

"Nobody will look twice at a broken lock," the first said. "We can come back later and be sure nobody will have messed with it."

"True," the second chuckled.

These two young men begin to examine the walls and floor. They wipe dust from the floor and tap the walls. After a bit of this they look at each other confused.

"Hey Tinker," the second man states. "There's no traps here."

"No," Tinker begins looking back down at the section of wall he was examining a moment ago. "This is weird. Maybe, they were really confident in that lock. Though, that seems very unlikely."

Tinker reaches in his backpack and pulls out the mechanism he took from the lock. The mechanism reflected the torchlight. As he turned it in his hand he noticed a subtle engraving on the piece.

"There's an engraving on the artifact," Tinker said. "Maybe this artifact has a secret power. Can you read it, Ledger?"

"You can't read dwarven engravings," Leger said thoughtfully. "They are usually just abstract pictures."

"But I knew a dwarf that could look at an engraving and tell me what it was about down to a date," Tinker frowned.

"I don't know," Ledger shrugged. "I always assumed the dwarves were just bull-shitting us."

Tinker laughed and it echoed oddly down the dark corridor. In the distance, it seemed to take on an almost metal sound.

They explored several tunnels and eventually came to a large room. In the center of the room was a pedastal with a clear cube on it.

"A cube," Tinker said disappointed. "I thought we finally found the Orb of Zot. All that research, all that time was a dead-end again."

"It may not be what we want, but we can probably make a good bit from lock and this cube thing."

They slowly approach the pedestal. Tinker stoops to the ground and begins to inspect for traps and Ledger stares at the cube attempting to appraise its value.

"No traps," Tinker said standing up. "I don't get it. Why are there no traps?"

Ledger walks closer and picks up the cube and holds it in the air. Suddenly, Ledger smiles an lets out a triumphant call.   

"This IS The Orb of Zot," Ledger shouts.

"You're joking, right?"

"No, look up at it in the light from a closer angle."

Tinker steps closer and looks up. He can see through the cube but as he tilts his head the faint reflection light hitting something round is barely seen.

"They embedded the Orb inside a crystal glass cube," Ledger states.

They both shout for joy. They leave the room and head out through the corridor. Though their joyful celebration ends short when they reach the door they used to enter the area.

The door was ripped from its hinges and broken in half. The clockwork lock's many mechanisms are shatter and strewn about.

"Aw, shit." Tinker said with annoyance. "How did this happen?"

Tinker throws the artifact mechanism down the corridor through the door.

"Hey don't do that," Ledger yells. "We can still sell that."

"We have the orb," Tinker says calmly. "We don't need money anymore. I only wanted the lock to install in our vault."

"Nonetheless I thought the artifact was interesting." Ledger says as he walks through the door and out of sight looking for where the mechanism went.

Ledger's torch light goes out and Tinker hears Ledger yelp.

"Did you trip on something?" Tinker begins to follow Ledger's path through the door.

He looks around and doesn't see Ledger at first. Tinker looks down and spies the artifact sitting on the ground propped against the wall.

"I found the artifact," Tinker said. "Where are you? Ledger?"

"I'm... here." Ledger said hoarsely.

Tinker squints his eyes and sees a silhouette just out of torch light.

"Come on, the way back is this way." Tinker says to Ledger.

"I... can't... find my torch... can you... bring yours over here... closer... to me?"

Tinker sighs and walks toward Ledger.

"You sound like you're crying, what happened did you sprain your ankle?"

"Yess."

Ledger must have been a bit further than it looked. Tinker tripped over an unlit torch.

"Here it is," said Tinker relieved. "I found your torch. Come over here."

Tinker hears a sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing with a dull thud. Whatever it was landed at the light's edge. He gets a better look at it.

Tinker's heart sinks as he sees Ledger's head staring up at him.

"What," he says out of shock.

He looks up and still sees the silhouette. He looks back down at the head.

"ARRRGGGGH..." his own screams cut short by a noise that is usually only heard in nightmares.

Tinker runs. However, something happens. A strange unfamiliar smell is in the air. His skin begins to burn and turn red. Something slashes at him and tears at his arm severing it at the shoulder. His backpack falls to the ground and he continues to run without looking back. He gives into the pain and collapses.

He is aware is skin is melting. His eyes focus on something shining in his torch light. It is roundish... metal. It is the artifact mechanism. In this angle, he can see the engraving. It was etched into a gem covering. A similar trick to how the Orb of Zot was hidden makes it visible to him now.

He looks a moment. As his vision goes out of focus the engraving is etched in his mind. In a moment of clarity, he realizes what it is. He sees his greatest mistake. A single moment of frustration cost him everything.

This is a adamantine mechanism. All craftdwarfship is of the highest quality. On it is an image of a dwarf and a demon in crystal glass. The dwarf is holding up an adamantine mechanism and the demon is cowering in fear.

While I did like the idea of the story, you didn't develop your characters until near the very end. You didn't explain how they knew what they knew, or why they were there. I spent half the writing trying to figure out what race they were since they knew about both elven and dwarven craftsmanship without explanation. While my own writing could use more, you need to describe your characters appearance to give a better mental image of the two.

The same goes for your dungeon. It's called a catacomb, and it's dark, but what do they see? You need to describe the room in general, and not just the important things they're running up to.

Another thing is that while your paragraphs work, they don't show emphasis. Several of the paragraphs where people aren't talking can be combined with either the paragraph above or below, because sometimes it's better to reserve single line paragraphs for something with an impact.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, because I actually did enjoy the story.

[EmeraldWind]

Yeah, my lack of description was me trying to convey the atmosphere. The two characters are in the dark and can't really see the setting or each other that well. I wanted to make more emphasis on sound, but ended up forgetting to do that. I got a little caught up in the flow of the idea.

the ending eluded me. Then the analogy sunk in 

Did you mean the ending was confusing? I wanted it to be a little bit until the image on the artifact was shown. Then I was hoping readers would figure out what happened without me needing to say more. I wanted the reader to have that same moment of realization as the character.

If this works like any of the other Guild threads I'd say that you can feel free to critique the writing.

While I did like the idea of the story, you didn't develop your characters until near the very end. You didn't explain how they knew what they knew, or why they were there. I spent half the writing trying to figure out what race they were since they knew about both elven and dwarven craftsmanship without explanation. While my own writing could use more, you need to describe your characters appearance to give a better mental image of the two.

The same goes for your dungeon. It's called a catacomb, and it's dark, but what do they see? You need to describe the room in general, and not just the important things they're running up to.

Another thing is that while your paragraphs work, they don't show emphasis. Several of the paragraphs where people aren't talking can be combined with either the paragraph above or below, because sometimes it's better to reserve single line paragraphs for something with an impact.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, because I actually did enjoy the story.

Yeah, I realized I didn't give them enough characterization part of that was story length. I wanted to have them casually chat about their search for the orb and deepen their characters, but I also didn't want to make the story too long. I also had the initial idea of two silhouettes in the dark, so for the bulk of this that was what they were.

I also wanted to give more details to the catacombs but not much more. Though I guess I subconsciously left that out.

Thanks for the critique both of you. It wasn't harsh at all. The point of this thread is to get practice and criticism. I had a good deal of fun writing this.

[Tiruin]

Another note:

Got a story cooped up in that head? Write it down, no matter how bad it is or how foul the grammar may be, a story in the mind is like a treasure in a safe. Valuable, but unknown. Don't be afraid, experience will come as you work.

@EmeraldWind: Confusing idea, at the start. 'The analogy sunk in' - It hit me. Been a long time since I've played DF 

To those who are reading this whole thread, post down your stories if you need help. None of us are perfect, and we learn by helping each other out.

[Phantom of The Library]

I will write more criticism later when I have the time, but for now te only thing that sticks directly out at me is that at times the dialogue seems a little stinted and unnatural.

@Tiruin: Feel free to critisize any time you want, my hope is that this thread eventually becomes independant enough to where I won't have to post much other than moderation and other OP stuff. Of course I will continue criticizing no matter what, but I am easily distracted and I might often forget that there is something left that I haven't critisized (and I haven't forgot about yours kerlc)

Another prompt will be coming soon if there are no more entries.

Oh, yes and I should update the OP to include the new resources soon.

[kerlc]

here's a batch of my short stories that i have written during the years. it's nt very good, but i guess it's fine.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CxDE8-Fsuv1g9ne37eeQzQCxwpHp-oc8vnpYWST-DWE/edit

edit: i have also found this great article on the Escapist:
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/issues/issue_249/7420-From-Fanfiction-to-Just-Fiction
it deals with how fanfic can be a great way to help you get into full-time writing. or just make your writing better. read uit, it explains much better than i can 

[Urist McScoopbeard]

Well hello, since I have otherwise contributed nothing to the community here and writing peaks my interest I think I'll post a...scene, it's not so much a story as a short exchange of thoughts and words, in any case i would really love for someone here to critique, I hardly get any around my residence.

So it's a couple of sentences about a story about what is essentially a germaphobic hitman...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Click. Click. Click…

The loud, invasive noise continued, out of place in the brightly lit white building, as Francis walked calmly down the corridor;he hardly noticed, thinking about his current contract…

5th floor, 256th room, Anderson Wilks

Francis had been hired to kill some stem-cell researcher nobody, a man who had discovered something or other ‘revolutionary’, but Francis didn’t care, in fact he didn’t care about much these days except maybe cleanliness…

Click. Click. Cli-scree!
   
            Damn! Francis thought to himself, “…and I had just gotten that heel shined perfectly.” He continued on despite the difficulty he had leaving a black smudge on the otherwise speckless floor

Click. Click. Click.
   
             Francis had come in through the front door; he had already checked out the skyscraper earlier and decided it was the only rational way, lost in thought Francis had failed to notice that he had walked all the way to the reception desk and was now being pestered with questions.
   
             “…Sir, for the last time HOW may I help you?” the receptionist drawled.
   
             “oh, *hmpf*, excuse me I’m here to see Mr. Wilks.” Francis responded with a bit of a start.
   
             With clear boredom she stated, as if from text that she would “buzz him in.” Being a pallid and somewhat sickly man Francis was used to this and almost accepted the response, but before he ruined his own plan he ejaculated:

             “No!!! that’s quite alright…I’m an old friend.” With clear suspicion the receptionist narrowed her gaze, but before she could question his motives he held up a wine bottle he had been carrying as a ‘gift’ for Mr. Wilks.

             “You see.” He said

             “I just wanted to congratulate Anderson on his success and thought it would be a good idea to, you know, surprise him.” Although Francis had been able to keep a calm demeanor throughout his improvised speech he could not help but notice several smudges and stains on the receptionist’s blouse, needless to say he could hardly contain himself faced with such a…lack of hygiene. All traces of suspicion gone, the receptionist must have been one of those people who loved surprises, she pressed her hands to her cheeks and gasped loudly.

             “Oh he’ll looooove that.” She cooed, in an instant she had opened the door to the elevators and waved him past a few bored guards, hardly looking him over at all...

Please Critique!!! Also seeing how it is VERY damn short I might post some more tomorrow but now it's late so, thank you in advance

Also, sorry in advance for the whole shining a heel thing it doesn't make much sense but I didn't really know what to put and it just sort of...flowed