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Author Topic: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___  (Read 312747 times)

TheBiggerFish

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1665 on: June 03, 2016, 10:32:21 pm »

I think I shall PTW this thread.
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Emma

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1666 on: June 04, 2016, 07:11:10 pm »

Don't think starting a drug habit is the way to cheat at magical thinking either. :3
Well, you know. Whatever works. Disclaimer: Don't do drugs.
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BlackHeartKabal

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1667 on: June 04, 2016, 09:43:47 pm »

« Last Edit: June 04, 2016, 09:46:00 pm by BlackHeartKabal »
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bluwolfie

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1668 on: June 09, 2016, 01:49:24 am »

I would like to participate.

Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
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Insanegame27

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1669 on: June 09, 2016, 02:40:08 am »

I would like to participate.

Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.
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bluwolfie

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1670 on: June 09, 2016, 02:44:58 am »

I would like to participate.

Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.

Thank ye, I will work on this.
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bluwolfie

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1671 on: June 10, 2016, 02:00:43 am »

I would like to participate.

Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.


Here's a super duper, raw ass raw rough draft of the prelude for your perusal. Part of my reason for sharing this at this point is hopefully, if other people are interested, I will feel less inclined to abandon this project.


"Vern shoots shark


He looked at his phone, turned pale, then quickly left the room, a skinny man was he. She watched him, smiling, a firey redhead. He knew what he had to do, he walked over to his car and struggled to pull out his keys, nervous. He looked up to see the big bald one staring him down. He steeled himself and glared back, the bald man smirked. He stared as he opened the door and got in. An old station wagon, perputally on it's last legs. The car whined and sputtered as it started and he was on his way. He wiped the sweat off his brow as he readied for what he was about to do. He looked up at the night sky and considered his options.. He shook his head and scratched at his neck, raw with dried blood and flakes of dead skin. He knew what he had to do. He opened the glove box and pulled out a small, 9mm pistol and rested it upon his lap. Soon he pulled up to an old tattoo parlor off the main road into town, it was quiet out here now, though the place saw a lot of business during the day.

The skinny man looked at himself in the mirror, eyes bloodshot as he nerviously vibrated. He put on a ski mask and covered his neck with his collar, opened the door and stood up, gun in hand. He closed the door and walked around to the back entrance, he opened the door, he knew it would be unlocked. "Mo! Is dat chu?" a man hollared, but he did not respond. He came up a hallway off the back door, decorated with various displays of tat art and snuck around the cornor, there sat a mountan of a man giving himself a tattoo, his back turned. "Seriously Mo', you shouldda come an hour ago, I already moked' it all" he said, with a laugh. *BANG* *Flash*"
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Pencil_Art

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1672 on: June 10, 2016, 03:23:22 am »

Hmm, beginnings of a story underway.

Spoiler: Feedback appreciated (click to show/hide)
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1673 on: June 10, 2016, 05:17:53 am »

I would like to participate.

Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.


Here's a super duper, raw ass raw rough draft of the prelude for your perusal. Part of my reason for sharing this at this point is hopefully, if other people are interested, I will feel less inclined to abandon this project.


"Vern shoots shark


He looked at his phone, turned pale, then quickly left the room, a skinny man was he. She watched him, smiling, a firey redhead. He knew what he had to do, he walked over to his car and struggled to pull out his keys, nervous. He looked up to see the big bald one staring him down. He steeled himself and glared back, the bald man smirked. He stared as he opened the door and got in. An old station wagon, perputally on it's last legs. The car whined and sputtered as it started and he was on his way. He wiped the sweat off his brow as he readied for what he was about to do. He looked up at the night sky and considered his options.. He shook his head and scratched at his neck, raw with dried blood and flakes of dead skin. He knew what he had to do. He opened the glove box and pulled out a small, 9mm pistol and rested it upon his lap. Soon he pulled up to an old tattoo parlor off the main road into town, it was quiet out here now, though the place saw a lot of business during the day.

The skinny man looked at himself in the mirror, eyes bloodshot as he nerviously vibrated. He put on a ski mask and covered his neck with his collar, opened the door and stood up, gun in hand. He closed the door and walked around to the back entrance, he opened the door, he knew it would be unlocked. "Mo! Is dat chu?" a man hollared, but he did not respond. He came up a hallway off the back door, decorated with various displays of tat art and snuck around the cornor, there sat a mountan of a man giving himself a tattoo, his back turned. "Seriously Mo', you shouldda come an hour ago, I already moked' it all" he said, with a laugh. *BANG* *Flash*"

I didn't have long, but after skimming through:

No need to italicise and put it in quote marks. To save space and make it clear that that text is the story, you could put it in a spoiler.

Ellipses (...) are three dots, not two.

Begin dialogue on a new line. In fact, you need to break it all up into more paragraphs, I would say. Many of your sentences are disjointed and don't really flow.

I noticed mispelt words. Spellcheck your work before you post it, raw draft or not.

Quote
*BANG* *Flash*"[/i]
In proper writing never do this. It's awful in every way.
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BlackHeartKabal

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1674 on: June 10, 2016, 05:34:02 pm »

Could, um, someone give me some feedback, instructions for improvement, on this?
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1675 on: June 10, 2016, 06:27:03 pm »

(as well as grammar corrections and stuff, which I guess I could do myself).
Do that yourself. Simple things like that, if you can do them yourself, should be done by you.
Otherwise it's somewhat of a waste of time.

I'll be honest; it's not good. It's inconsistent (occasionally dips in present tense, things like "2 or three"), it tells rather than shows, and it has spelling mistakes.

---
 
Hmm, beginnings of a story underway.

Spoiler: Feedback appreciated (click to show/hide)
Not much happens. Beginning of a story, sure, but it lacks anything particularly interesting, and it tells us very little about the protagonist.
It's not awful, but something about the writing style I dislike. Like it's trying to be light and whimsical but failing? I'm not sure.
Anyway. check within the spoiler to see my main thoughts.

---

Could, um, someone give me some feedback, instructions for improvement, on this?
Alright, keep yer butt on :v

In spoiler.
Overall... feels like it's trying too hard to be poignant and dramatic.
We have no knowledge of the protagonist beyond "has a spear" and "is in love with lady" and the lady has not details whatsoever beyond "eye candy" and "sweet voice."
His killer has also no details.
We have no knowledge of the situation, the setting, or the location. Why was the protagonist tired?

Think of the other sensations of being tired. Sweat trickles down your brow and stings your eyes, leaving a tang of salt on dry, cracked lips. Limbs tremble slightly under the tension of keeping you upright, a soft burn spiking with every movement. Blood pounds in your ears like thunder, filling the room with the pounding of your heart. Exhaustion fills your head with fog, and your vision blurs until you scrunch your eyes shut for a moment and try to focus.

You want to describe what the character is feeling, more than just "is in love with lady." We get that. You said that, perhaps a little too much. Think on the other sensations of the body.

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BlackHeartKabal

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1676 on: June 10, 2016, 06:36:36 pm »

Could, um, someone give me some feedback, instructions for improvement, on this?
Alright, keep yer butt on :v

In spoiler.
Overall... feels like it's trying too hard to be poignant and dramatic.
We have no knowledge of the protagonist beyond "has a spear" and "is in love with lady" and the lady has not details whatsoever beyond "eye candy" and "sweet voice."
His killer has also no details.
We have no knowledge of the situation, the setting, or the location. Why was the protagonist tired?

Think of the other sensations of being tired. Sweat trickles down your brow and stings your eyes, leaving a tang of salt on dry, cracked lips. Limbs tremble slightly under the tension of keeping you upright, a soft burn spiking with every movement. Blood pounds in your ears like thunder, filling the room with the pounding of your heart. Exhaustion fills your head with fog, and your vision blurs until you scrunch your eyes shut for a moment and try to focus.

You want to describe what the character is feeling, more than just "is in love with lady." We get that. You said that, perhaps a little too much. Think on the other sensations of the body.
Right. Thank you for the criticism. I did base this thing on a dream I had, so I only had that very, very vague guideline of it, and it was tainted by dream logic. Person I was protecting had my attention for most of the dream, which is why I had so much focus on that. I'll improve from what you've told me.
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Emma

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1677 on: June 10, 2016, 07:23:07 pm »

This isn't mine - oh, no offense friend but it's much worse than mine. I want to get him some good feedback/suggestions, (as well as grammar corrections and stuff, which I guess I could do myself). His writing style is very... crude... but try not to put your own style into your edits, please.

Spoiler: This is it (click to show/hide)
I'll probably give more detailed feedback when I have access to a computer but from a fairly quick read it doesn't look good. It seems to be a fairly bog standard special snowflake story and that makes it really boring and honestly pretty awful. And yeah, while this might seem hypocritical coming from someone who's written plenty of those shitty Mary Sue stories themselves the sooner you're friend is told to write about interesting people who have real faults the better.
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Emma

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1678 on: June 11, 2016, 05:49:40 am »


Overall it's not too bad. I disagree with GiglameshDespair about the poignancy and dramtic... icy, but that could just be personal taste. Be aware that some of my comments are also personal taste.

Hmm, beginnings of a story underway.

Spoiler: Feedback appreciated (click to show/hide)
It's alright, it uses a bit too much telling rather than showing. If I'm honest it doesn't interest me overly much as it stands, but it seems to have the seeds of a good story.

I wouldn't mind some opinions on this:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's really early but I'd to know whether it's worth continuing before investing too much more time in it.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: ___/The Writer's Apprenticeship\___
« Reply #1679 on: June 11, 2016, 06:18:20 am »

I wouldn't mind some opinions on this:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's really early but I'd to know whether it's worth continuing before investing too much more time in it.
As stories go it's too short to say- it's only 200 words or so, not enough to get a proper feeling for the story.
Of course, check in the spoiler.

Think of the other senses. You have sight down, but don't mention hearing enough. What can the protagonist feel, hear, taste? Do the leaves crinkle softly at every footfall, or do they release the smell of loam and mould at each step? Is there the rustling of beasts in the undergrowth, the call of nightbirds, the whispering of a breeze through the branches?

Personally, I would reword the first couple of sentences.
Maybe something like:

The forest was dark but for the blades of moonlight that cut through the shifting canopy. The soft rustling of branches made the shadows dance across the thick carpet of leaves that muffled the forest floor.

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