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[eerr]

This just in: Went to the kitchen to get a knife to cut out a rotten chunk from a plum, grabbed the knife, fumbled, stabbed myself in the stomach. Somehow I managed to not only not penetrate my shirt, but I'm not even bleeding, and I now have a horizontal 3-inch line right above my bellybutton. How the hell have I survived to my age being so clumsy.

What could you possibly eat or drink that would cause you to stab yourself?

Your diet needs to be checked thouroughly.

Either you are eating something, or you are not eating something. Either way!

Rather than dismissing it offhand, fix your damn diet.

[Loud Whispers]

This just in: Went to the kitchen to get a knife to cut out a rotten chunk from a plum, grabbed the knife, fumbled, stabbed myself in the stomach. Somehow I managed to not only not penetrate my shirt, but I'm not even bleeding, and I now have a horizontal 3-inch line right above my bellybutton. How the hell have I survived to my age being so clumsy.

What could you possibly eat or drink that would cause you to stab yourself?

Your diet needs to be checked thouroughly.

Either you are eating something, or you are not eating something. Either way!

Rather than dismissing it offhand, fix your damn diet.

He was making the MANWICH!

But he failed the constraint ritual, and the delicious sandwich went for the mortal wound. Luckily the knife was blocked by the ☼cotton shirt☼

[Peewee]

Well you see, his doctor told him he needed more iron in his diet, and he's bright enough to know that stainless steel has iron in it.

[Flying Dice]

Plus it's stainless, so cleanup is a snap!

[Loud Whispers]

>*Was* eating some lovely potatoes.
>I accidentally drop one.
>Covered in ketchup.
>White shirt.
>CRAP CRAP CRAP
>WHAT DO WHAT DO

I catch the potato on one of the fork prongs mid flight, and proceed to spear it on my trousers.

Crisis averted.

[kaijyuu]

I'm afraid there's a high chance of your love being unrequited.

If you want to try anyway, grab a number and wait for it to be called. The line's pretty long.

[Loud Whispers]

Aw, you guys make crushing stupidity feel like fatal stupidity ;3

Or whichever one is better...

[Flying Dice]

To be fair, crushing stupidity can also be fatal stupidity.

[Reudh]

Almost tried to hop aboard a train before it had arrived, but caught myself in time. (In fairness, it was 6pm, and i had been up since 5am studying at uni, and i still had 70km yet to travel)

[DarkWolfXV]

I have put a cup full of chocolate in microwave. To heat it up so i can spill some on freshly baked cookies. But the cup had "Jacobs" written in metal letters somewhere on it.
Turn on the microwave. The cup started to emit sparks from metallic part, good i turned off the microwave in time, any other second it could just go boom ya know:P
Enjoy reek of smoke and burnt chocolate.
...

(I think i posted this one somewhere but i dont remember)
Or me throwing a plastic bottle into random place and hitting guy in eye. He was stunned for few seconds and blind for five minutes.
But with plastic bottle? Not having anything in it? WTF?

Or... well i closed door with much force but somehow jammed my finger in it. It bled like hell. But its fine, no scars or anything now.
And i frequently bump into stuff with arms and legs. Like leg bumps into door frame when im not wearing pants with kinda big force.
Ouch.

[MaximumZero]

I once challenged my Ninjutsu sensei to a no-holds barred sparring match. That...did not end well for me. I learned a new chokehold, though. Also, when an 85+ year old man can punch his way through 9 concrete pavers at a time, you should not fistfight with him. Just saying.

[Loud Whispers]

Max, are you a ninja?

[MaximumZero]

Second degree Black Belt in Koga-Ryu Ninjutsu. Technically, I'm not a "Ninja", I'm a "Hayabusa", as I can't be tested for my 3rd Dan outside of Hokkaido (I think it was. Sensei passed away in 04, so it's been a while since he told me,) which I cannot afford to go to. Anyway, the title "Ninja" isn't conferred until 4th Dan, as that's the "official instructor of an assload of students" rank.

[Loud Whispers]

I'm a "Hayabusa",

I'm sorry, it really was the first thing that came to mind.

[MagmaMcFry]

Required follow-up question: Is there a pirate in here too? _{Not the copy kind.}