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Author Topic: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol  (Read 1724 times)

Dwarvinator

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The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« on: January 04, 2012, 04:10:12 am »

I shudder to remember 'that' Mayor. Trembling, corpulently with rage before me, in her tattered robes - demanding platinum items, yet again. "But we don't have any platinum available, your Modomship." I would groan. Well, she wanted the platinum baubles, that was an end to it. I considered putting an end to her - by dark means - but was halted on learning she was a mother of six.

The metalcrafter took the rap, of course. Took a hiding that broke his liver. Poor guy, and then he was remorselessly dragged from his bed in the ER to do his porridge in a poorly designed Gaol. That possibly hastened his demise. Even so, the Mayor in question is still in good health two years on.

I have now been inspired by a miserable dwarf whom I fear may be the cause of some future discontent in the community, perhaps even civil unrest! I am creating the Long Range Dwarf Patrol, which will be modeled on a Napoleonic-era punishment battallion. The members of this unit will be compelled to attack hordes of goblins, or large monsters, dependent on availability - with broom handles. Or at least ordered to a position that would lead to them being cornered nicely by said beastie(s).

Are this Curator's methods too harsh? Any suggestions warmly received.
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MagmaMcFry

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2012, 05:07:04 am »

Are this Curator's methods too harsh? Any suggestions warmly received.
Please never use the word "too" in this forum again.
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NonconsensualSurgery

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2012, 05:09:09 am »

One solution to the stupid behavior of masons with regards to walls is to temporarily assign masonry to only a dwarf you hate.

The same goes for stone detailing and breaching a volcano, although they usually survive.

It's faster and more aesthetically pleasing if your 1x1 pitting shaft to an underground sea goes straight down with no escape route.

Truly serious cases can be sentenced to gladiatorial combat in the mass-pitting chamber.

I prefer to give things some small chance of survival but my current fortress has a retractable bridge over a volcano for dwarves whose sins are too great to be purged by trials. Position a one-dwarf geonautical squad on the bridge and pull the lever. You may locate adamantite this way, although a pitted guineacock works just as well.

Also, too.
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Never had a bat massacre people with an axe before.
EDIT2: Oh god, the bat has got a title now.

GreatWyrmGold

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2012, 07:40:39 am »

Are this Curator's methods too harsh? Any suggestions warmly received.
Please never use the word "too" in this forum again.
Why not? Too many elves. Too many demons. Too many hostiles. Too much Fun. It fits!

I shudder to remember 'that' Mayor. Trembling, corpulently with rage before me, in her tattered robes - demanding platinum items, yet again. "But we don't have any platinum available, your Modomship." I would groan. Well, she wanted the platinum baubles, that was an end to it. I considered putting an end to her - by dark means - but was halted on learning she was a mother of six.

The metalcrafter took the rap, of course. Took a hiding that broke his liver. Poor guy, and then he was remorselessly dragged from his bed in the ER to do his porridge in a poorly designed Gaol. That possibly hastened his demise. Even so, the Mayor in question is still in good health two years on.

I have now been inspired by a miserable dwarf whom I fear may be the cause of some future discontent in the community, perhaps even civil unrest! I am creating the Long Range Dwarf Patrol, which will be modeled on a Napoleonic-era punishment battallion. The members of this unit will be compelled to attack hordes of goblins, or large monsters, dependent on availability - with broom handles. Or at least ordered to a position that would lead to them being cornered nicely by said beastie(s).

Are this Curator's methods too harsh? Any suggestions warmly received.
You let her live? Good job. I'd have killed the mayor without a second thought if it wasn't for her family. Everyone else would find themselves testing my newest System for Executing Migrants and Extra Nuisances...maybe I shouldn't make this an acronym, on second thought...
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[GreatWyrmGold] gets a little crown. May it forever be his mark of Cain; let no one argue pointless subjects with him lest they receive the same.

MagmaMcFry

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2012, 01:33:34 pm »

T** many elves. T** many demons. T** many hostiles. T** much Fun.
T** much magma. T** much booze. T** many FPS. T** many T**s.
Why would anyone ever want to post this word on this forum (excluding this thread)?
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bombzero

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2012, 04:15:57 pm »

T** many elves. T** many demons. T** many hostiles. T** much Fun.
T** much magma. T** much booze. T** many FPS. T** many T**s.
Why would anyone ever want to post this word on this forum (excluding this thread)?

Too little booze, Too few things to kill, Too few demons in hell, Too many elves not enough bolts, Too little steel, Too many XXrope reed fiber socksXX...

i could go on for days, the word too has simply been done a great injustice by the vile usage of the phrase, "too harsh".
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Loud Whispers

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2012, 07:16:36 pm »

Too much trololol going on in this thread :|

Dwarvinator

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2012, 02:50:07 am »

Re: Yet Another How to Play Dwarf Fortress Series
« on: December 23, 2011, 05:54:23 pm »
by The Orange Dwarf

Quote
...when you decide to make your entrance wider, you'll have a cave-in or two (explain those too!)...

One can only speculate as to the circumstances which could lead a person to stigmatize the three-letter-word-which-dare-not speak-its-name-in-this-forum, in less than a fortnight.
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Dwarvinator

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2012, 03:29:01 am »

Truly serious cases can be sentenced to gladiatorial combat in the mass-pitting chamber

The Elven merchants were unperturbed when they were led to a freshly-built trade depot, deeper within the fortress than usual. They were *** busy unpacking their goods to notice a wall being stealthily built across the only exit. The simple act of stroking their weapons manically was their only solace as they succumbed to the inevitable madness that such incarceration brings.

Then, a previously unnoticed hatch in the ceiling opened, and a miserable-looking dwarf was hurled, screaming, amongst them.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2012, 03:34:05 am by Dwarvinator »
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Loud Whispers

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2012, 03:50:32 am »

Yay the Elf sacrifices have begun :D

peskyninja

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2012, 06:43:06 am »

Again?
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Thou son of a b*tch wilt not ever make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, f**k thy mother.

kaenneth

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Re: The Long Range Dwarf Patrol
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2012, 07:42:15 pm »

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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