Here it is, a delicious new update, fresh out of the oven. Enjoy.
>Knock out the rulemaker with your bag, rob him and run.
Using my lighting-fast thinking and aiming abilities, I throw the mysterious bag at Mr. Referee.
The spinning mysterious bag strikes Mr. Referee in the head! Mr. Referee is knocked unconscious!I run over to the now out cold Mr. Referee, grab his rulebook, and head off in a random direction.
> Mutter the Dwarven Chant you heard the priest use earlier.
> A giant portal opens in front of you. You suddenly remember your past experience with portals. A green toad like hand reaches out of the portal. That toad hand can only belong to one Toad like creature. The all powerful Toadman. The sight triggers another wave of memories.
>Through the portal you can see a large circular brown chamber filled with various powerful beings. Among them you recognize Medivh, Sargeras, The Lich King, and...Armok? Currently several large cosmic horrors are speaking in loud voices.
Ah portals. We have fond memories of portals don't we?
This all just came to me by the way.
As I continue to make a hasty retreat through the grassy field, I am soon struck by the realization that I have no idea where the fuck I'm going. Lacking any reasonable options for dealing with such a situation, I simply decide to do the first thing that comes to mind, which just so happens to be reciting the arcane chant I overheard the priest humming not so long ago.
I try to recall just how it went, and shortly after repeating the dwarven chant to the best of my ability, a huge portal appears before me. Quickly recollecting how previous dealings with strange gateways to other realms has gone, I begin to slowly back away. yet just as I do so, an anthropomorphic toad arm extends out from the portal.
Knowing all too well the owner of said arm, I plan to bolt off in another random direction, but get distracted when I notice that on the other side of the portal, stands a council of immensely powerful entities, which includes my (apparently not-so-) deceased rival, Armok.
Sock puppet man, runs towards the portal to dropkick the hand that grabs D.Z.A. With both sock puppets, he grabs you by the arm. His eyes stare intensely at you for a moment until one eye begins to lazily drift away, he then whispers, "Giant firetruck space daddy powers." With the firetruck secure in his pocket, he jumps, launching you up into the sky with sock puppet man. The cloaked figures following towards you. As portals begin to open, many monsters and beings come out, including the clowns, the land below you is torn to shreds by the infighting, the sock puppet man begins to lose momentum from his jump, and he looks towards you. "Dirty man will fly now to sock puppet home." As you begin to fall, he throws you hard, and you clear the portals and destruction only to look back and see the sock puppet man himself falling into the mass of hysteria. You would land hard towards a town only to be saved by the largest gelatin bowl in the world. You even make it to the other side and slip out, feet landing on the ground. The town this inhabits however is empty. Eerily quiet, you check the doors, unaware of what is happening, you are almost horrified to see sock puppets sitting on chairs, laying in beds, and in various positions around the home. They do not move, leaving the homes you travel to the nearby lake to take a quick drink and wash your face. You realize this is where the sock puppet man lived. Then suddenly, you hear it. "HERO SOCK TO THE RESCUE" You see a large man, with a stocking over his head and wearing socks on his hands and feet, disturbingly though there is also one over his genitals. And this was it. He jumped off a house to dropkick you, screaming. You manage to jump back. The big muscled man pounds his hairy chest and stares at you, his magnificent beard moving as he spoke. "I am Hero Sock, You trespass on Master Sock's grounds. Who are you!?" You begin to wonder if everyone is crazy but you, but then you realize if it was like that you would be the crazy one, so you calm yourself and ask the biggest question of all time. "Why are you wearing a sock over your genitals?" You say this with a sigh. He just grunts and pounds his chest again, "I am Hero sock, commander for the Sock Master, who are you?" You answer him cautiously.
While trying to listen in on a conversation that some of the more frightening entities seem to be having, the toad arm suddenly grabs ahold of me, and attempts to yank me through the portal and into the circular chamber on the other side. Without warning, the sock puppet man rushes toward me, and executes a masterful dropkick on the anthropomorphic toad arm,
breaking the toad man's grip!He grabs onto my arm with both of his sock-clad hands, and looks deep into my eyes, until one of his own begins to lose focus. He then whispers some incoherent sentence about space and firetrucks, which causes his own tiny firetruck to fly toward him, and fit itself comfortably inside his pocket. As I catch a glimpse of the robed figures from before approaching us, he leaps high into the air, pulling me along with him. I glance down, only to see more portals rapidly appearing all over the place, spewing forth more beasts and creatures than I've ever before seen in one place. Apparently they aren't very fond of each other, seeing as the ground below us is turned into a ravaged battleground only seconds after their arrival. Interestingly, roughly half of them also appear to be armed with miniguns.
Just as we start losing velocity from the sock puppet man's impressive leap, he stares at me, and tells me that I will fly to "sock puppet home". I am unsure whether I should be comforted, or terrified by this. We begin to drop, and I find myself suddenly flung through the sky with unexpected force. Force great enough to dislocate my shoulder and propel me over the land at least several dozen miles per hour. In the last brief moments I am able see the sock puppet man, I watch him as he descends into the chaos below. A saddening sight, but one I am unable to dwell on for very long, as I am soon forced to deal with the matter of ensuring my own survival.
The crash landing into the town I seem to have found myself in probably would have been an incredibly unpleasant experience, if it wasn't for the gigantic bowl of brightly colored gelatin that had been conveniently placed adjacent to it, which allowed me slide across the top of the giant jiggly treat and safely land feet first on the other side.
After popping my shoulder back into place, I conclude that the best course of action would be to explore the town a bit, considering I'm uncertain of how long I'll be a guest in it. I have not the slightest idea where this town is situated, but it seems to be well into nightfall here. During my period of nighttime town exploration, my heart sinks when I discover that the entire place appears to be populated solely by sock puppets. I suppose I should have been able to deduce that from the name 'sock puppet home', but that doesn't make it any less unsettling. On the bright side, at least these ones aren't as homicidal as the sock puppet I've previously had to deal with.
Feeling a deep desire to distance myself from this strange place, I attempt to find a road leading out of it, and end up stumbling upon a large lake near the edge of the town. Its still surface shimmering serenely in the moonlight. I take this opportunity to wash up a tad, and quench the thirst that I've been ignoring for some time now. I sit by the lake for a while, enjoying the tranquil quietness of the peaceful moment, before it is abruptly broken by the wild shouting of an unknown entity.
I instinctively dodge the entity as it leaps from the roof of a nearby lakeside home, and discover that the unknown entity is a very large, very hairy man, with a stocking pulled over his head and socks on all of his other appendages. All of them. He beats his chest like a threatened gorilla with his sock covered fists, and introduces himself as 'Hero Sock'. He then accuses me of trespassing, and demands to know who I am. After taking a few seconds to question my own sanity once more, I look to this 'Hero Sock', and put forth an inquiry of far greater importance. "*sigh* I feel like I'm going to regret asking this, but why is there a sock on your dick?"
Rather than giving me an answer, Hero Sock merely beats his chest again, before informing me for a second time that his name is indeed Hero Sock. He is apparently commander for some other sock-themed being, and again expresses his wishes to know who I am.
Hoping to move the conversation along to a subject that may actually provide some useful information, I decide to answer him. "I, Am D.Z.A. Omnipotent God-King of Everything, ruler of all things ruleable. I am currently on a grand adventure, spanning across many worlds and realms, for reasons that even I am no longer completely certain of. So, if you could assist me by providing some insight into just the what fuck is going on here, I would be immensely grateful."
Mr. Referee: Ah here's the incantation and- SUPER DAVE TO THE FACE!
Miner, who had somehow been teleported with the rest of the companions here: Walk up to the referee, and raise pickaxe, speaking in a... normal voice (he hadn't been heard speaking by DZA before): "What's this about a four eon long imprisonment?"
Meanwhile, in the now devastated grassy field, the portals have closed, and the beasts and creatures have since marched onward to some other location, leaving the land war-torn, bloodstained, and littered with corpses. The only life that remains, are the lives of my companions, who were also transported to the field via spontaneous portal emergence, and were able to stick together to fight through the mayhem, as well as the just now reawakening Mr. Referee who, by some huge stroke of luck, managed to survive whilst helplessly lying unconscious.
"I can't believe it!" Mr. Referee says, rising to his feet. "Informal resignation from the Tournament Deity Battle, assaulting a Deity Battle official, and evading mandatory four eon imprisonment. Such behavior is going to end up getting him banned from all subsequent tournaments! He'd better have a good excuse for- Hm...Where did I leave my copy of the Official Deity Battle Rulebook...? This is unacceptable, I'll won't be able to initiate D.Z.A.'s imprisonment without the special incantation written within it....It's a good thing that every respectable official always carries at least TWO copies of the official rulebook at all times!" Pulling out a second Deity Battle Rulebook from his shirt, he quickly flips through it, before stopping on the desired page. "Aha, here we are. *Ahem* Now then, A-
Super Dave out of fucking nowhere!Speeding down like an unpredictable man-shaped meteorite, the indestructible man crashes into Mr. Referee, slamming him onto the ground and causing him to drop his rulebook! As Mr. Referee tries to recover from the painful blow, and reaches out for his rulebook, the miner walks over to him, lifts his pickaxe over his head, and asks to know more about the four eon long imprisonment he overheard the Deity Battle official mention. "I...I'm afraid that it doesn't concern you. Now please, quickly, hand me that book over there.", Mr. Referee replies to the miner.
Be your own champion with the flash freedomer flesh liberator as a wpn
As I wait for a response from my oddly outfitted acquaintance, I glance down at the Deity Battle Rulebook I've managed to keep hold of all this time, and suddenly, an idea comes to mind. "What if..." I think to myself, "I acted as my own champion in the Tournament Deity Battle? Surely, if my return to mortal form was merely part of my battle strategy all along, my disqualification could be revoked. The trick would be existing as both a mortal and a god simultaneously. Which, seeing that my omnipotence is severely limited while mortal, may prove to be challenging.
Of course, I could always try trusting another deity to take up the position of team leader for my pantheon, and simply have them select me as their chosen one. But this approach would be very risky..."
Somehow run across a hostile army of dragons, humans, dwarves, planeswalkers, kobolds, mages, necromancers, dragon slayers, mechs controlled by gremlins, gremlins, elves, eldrazi, and every other race that has existed, is existing, will exist, will never exist, is not existing, and hasn't existed at one million in total population of each race.
Have similar army appear behind you.
Have said army be armed with miniguns.
As I drift deeper into thought, I almost don't notice the faint ripples that start to appear on the surface of the lake, or the distant sound of charging feet and ferocious war cries. Before long, the commotion grows loud enough to attract my attention. I gaze over the lake and out to the horizon, and am perplexed to see a truly massive assortment of beings, silhouetted against the rising sun, making their way toward me at an alarming pace. The colossal force extends as far as the eye can see in both directions. The ones travelling on ground spill over the land like an endless sea flooding the Earth, and the ones travelling through the air soon blacken the sky with their presence. The army of beasts and creatures clearly has malicious intentions for something this way. And given my luck, I wouldn't doubt that it's me. Nervous, yet focused, I stand my ground. Knowing that even if I wanted to, it would be useless to try and outrun such a large and quick moving force. Besides, a display of such courage makes me feel like far more of a badass.
The earth trembles more and more as they approach, though once they reach the other side of the lake, they immediately stop, which gives me a chance to get a good look at just what I'm up against. After a little observation, I conclude that, apparently, I'm up against everyone. Beings of all shapes and sizes, from bugs to behemoths, beings I would not have even been able to imagine existing before now, are standing (and hovering) in front me. A humanoid steps forth from the crowd, clad in extravagant, decorated armor. I assume he must to a particularly high ranking individual in this force. He looks at me only briefly, before turning to the rest of the army, and speaking in a deep, powerful voice:
"Comrades, before us stands the pathetic, cowardly D.Z.A.! The ex-deity that carelessly disgraced the glorious and sacred traditions of the Tournament Deity Battle, and then shamelessly tried to escape the consequences of his despicable actions! I say, that if this 'God-King' is so willing to run from these consequences, then we personally ensure that the consequences are brought to him!!"The speech is then recited again by several other members of the army, in more languages than I care to count, which provokes a thunderous roar of cheers from the rest of the army. Cheering that is quieted only by the sound of another army, alike in size and variety, marching up behind me. I'd actually have trouble telling the two forces apart, if it wasn't for the fact that nearly all of the members of the army behind me are carrying miniguns. An extravagantly armored member of the second army steps up beside me. He's noticeably shorter than the apparent leader of the first. With a much scratchier voice, he yells across the lake to the opposing force:
"Nonsense! The return of D.Z.A's mortality was obviously not of his own doing, the judgement of the officials is flawed! Foul play is at work, and the ones who are responsible for it are the ones that deserve to be punished!"Taunts and insults begin to fly back and forth between the two armies, steadily increasing the already high tension of the situation.
Well, seems like I've inadvertently pissed of just about every being in existence. Then again, I guess it's sort of understandable. The tournament seems like a pretty big event, and as with all such events, it's bound to have a good deal of passionate fans behind it. Passion that I'm sure is made all the stronger by the fact that the winners of the event are the ones deciding the quality of life for said fans, and numerous generations of their offspring. In any case, I better think quick about what it is I'm going to do, because shit's about to go down.
Name: D.Z.A.
Sex: Male
Age: 16
Badassery Level: Epic.
Location: Lake near "sock puppet home".
Inventory: Official Deity Battle Rulebook.
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Topic: You are Me, Chapter IV: Into Lands Unknown (Read 131123 times)