I are happy
...
>SUDDENLY A SCORCHING DWARF STARTS A FISFIGHT WITH YOU WHILE SCREAMING IN AGONY... Did it just vanish? Then admire those fine cheese engravings over there.
As I stand in the smoke-filled mountain hall, getting used to the feel of my new attire, I abruptly find myself going into another coughing fit. Though this time it is not because of the smoke, but rather, the burning little fist planted firmly into my abdomen, belonging to what appears to be a dwarf, screaming out of untold amounts of suffering. Normally, the dwarf would have the advantage of being somewhat concealed by the smoke, but along with persisting to scream at the top of his lungs, the fact that he's on fire is a bit of a giveaway to his location.
Deeply offended by such a dishonorable cheap shot, I return the hostility by delivering an anger filled punch to the flaming dwarf's face,
shattering the skull! The dwarf flies back some distance, before getting up, and charging at me while wildly flailing his arms around. I prepare to land a finishing blow, when all of a sudden, the dwarf seems to vanish into thin air. I try looking around for a moment, but get distracted when I spot some masterful depictions of cheese engraved upon the stone walls. I may still be at a high risk of death in this place, but viewing the engravings makes me feel slightly less angered by my current situation, so that's nice.
I am then snapped out of my brief moment of happiness when I hear the sound of voices coming from somewhere farther into the mountain:
>Fan Head: (body) GLORY! THIS PLACE IS FULL OF MEAT! is that an elephant over there? Hell yeah!
>Fan Head: (spirit) "that is disgusting, I just need to get close without scaring it- WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Hm, I guess I should probably go check that out.
>The Priest shakes his head and walks up to DZA. "They call me Tasrak. Chosen of the Blood God, or at least, that's my offical title. That's what they call everyone in the priesthood."
>The Fortress in inhabited by a trio of Dreadlords. The largest one speaks up. "What is your business here mortal? We are curious as to how you got to our homeworld, most famous among mortal warlocks for also being the home of our Dreadsteads. Which explains how you are still alive." Above the Dreadlords is a sign which says "Welcome to Xoroth."
Before I can go and investigate the voices, however, I am caught off guard by another dwarf. Thinking he is a friend of the fiery screaming one I encountered just a moment ago, I nearly smash his skull in as well, but manage to stop myself when I notice he is carrying a bucket of magma.
"Oh, it's you.", I say, exhaling with relief. "Come to admire the cheese engravings? They're really quite amazing. Such detail...", I tell him, lightly caressing the wall.
Turns out, the dwarf's actual reason for walking over was simply to become better acquainted. He introduces himself as Tasrak, priest of blood or something like that. Honestly, I probably should have been paying more attention what he was talking about, but...These cheese engravings. They're just so beautiful.
"Right. What exactly did I choose you for?", I hear the thunderous voice of Armok ask the dwarf.
"Armok, have you seen these *COUGH* cheese engravings? They're astounding.", I tell the blood god, before erupting into yet another coughing fit.
Unfortunately, my admiration of dairy-related artwork is once again interrupted. This time, by the sudden arrival of three winged figures. The biggest of the trio begins to question me, asking about what I came here for, or how I even got here in the first place. He also mentions something about warlocks and dreadsteeds. I quickly assume dreadsteed must be the technical name for flaming horse.
"My business?", I ask, turning to the winged figures. "I am in search of a most *COUGH* peculiar creature. It wears a suit, and has a metallic fan for a head, but otherwise has a bodily structure that closely resembles a prehistoric reptile. Perhaps you've seen it?", I elaborate, stopping for a moment as I brace myself against the wall to prevent falling down. Damn, I don't know how much more of this smoke I can stand..."As for how I got here, I am afraid I have not the slightest fucking idea. I just ended up here when I left the plot hole."
The winged figures look at each other for a moment, their subtle movements displacing some of the smoke, allowing me to catch a glimpse of what I think is a welcome sign hanging above them. If the sign is to be trusted, then the name of my current location is "Xoroth". Or maybe it was "Koroth", or "Xototh", I can't be sure. My eyes are burning so much at the moment, it's hard to focus on anything not directly in front of me.
>Miner: FREAK OUT
Meanwhile, back in the plot hole, the miner is having a bit of a panic attack, and has been incoherently shouting while swinging his pick around at the nothingness for the past couple of hours. Unfortunately for him, this tactic seems to have no effect on the nothing, and so he simply continues until passing out from exhaustion. Strange things can happen when one loses consciousness in a plot hole, however. As far as anyone knows, he could awake to an eternity of inescapable, unbearable, and relentless torment, the likes of which would viciously tear away at his very soul until there was nothing left but an empty husk of what could once be considered a man. That probably won't happen though...Probably.
You find the remains of the booze stockpile, which solves everything.
Just then, the rest of my companions storm into the mountain hall, shouting about the magma tidal wave getting dangerously close. They run deeper into the mountain, while I do my best to follow behind, and the winged figures rush to shut the large stone doors at the entrance . My condition worsening, I feel my badassery waning. It's hard to be awesome when you're coughing like you have Pneumonia every few minutes.
I trip over one of the numerous smoldering dwarf corpses lying about(I should really try to stop tripping over dead people. Very disrespectful), and although my first instinct is to get up and keep moving, I instead decide to lie there for a while and enjoy the slightly less polluted air closer to the floor. That is, before I feel myself being hastily pulled into a room that, for some reason, is a little less overwhelmed with smoke.
I shortly find that I've been dragged into some sort of brewery-esque room by the two mentally scarred dwarves from the plot hole. The place has stills and barrels that look they've not been touched in ages. After standing up, and few more minutes of violent coughing, I am pleased to see that all of my companions are present in the room as well(except Armok, who although I cannot physically see, I
can hear chuckling as me and the rest of the group struggle to avoid death).
Walking over to the barrels, I am surprised to discover that some of them still contain a portion of ancient brewed beverages. "Wait...This solves everything!", I excitedly say to my companions. "How so?", asks the Burning Elf.
"Think about it", I say, looking to each of them. "What does one do when everything in their life goes wrong, and their situation seems completely and utterly hopeless?"
"They push onward and overcome their hardships?", I hear someone suggest.
"WRONG! They drink!", I exclaim, puncturing one of the barrels with my hidden blade. "If we drink, we won't have to worry about the dire nature of our current circumstances, because we'll be too wasted to care!", I explain. However, my companions seem hesitant to embrace my quick thinking plan.
"OK, look at it this way, we could either stay in this room and be miserable while patiently awaiting our untimely demise,
oorrr we could get plastered, enjoy ourselves, and wait for this whole situation to work itself out." I say confidently.
"...How do you know things will work themselves out?", the bronze-clad dwarf asks suspiciously.
"I'm a heroic adventurer. Things like this always work themselves out eventually.", I complacently tell the dwarf.
Crazy Sock Puppet guy is back, drinking the booze in the stockpile. He waves to you when you appear. "He-i therr dirrrt mern! I promish thert I saved you surm drunk!." He laughs as the sock puppet is drinking its own drinks... wait.... its drinking.
It is then that a familiar face stumbles out from the back of the booze stockpile. Knocking over barrels and slurring involuntarily, the sock puppet man happily greets me, and then informs me that he was nice enough not to guzzle all of the stuff down on his own. Though it seems his sock puppet is not as polite, as it is currently half submerged in an open barrel, carelessly chugging away. I swear, that thing gets creepier every time I see it. Hopefully it's not an aggressive drunk...
"See? He has the right idea!", I say to the rest of the group, pointing to my mentally unstable former mount. "Now then, everyone grab a barrel!"
What followed shortly afterward was, without a doubt, one of the wildest and most amazing parties of the millennium. I can't for the life of me remember any of it, but trust me, it was pretty crazy.
Forum Game: Become Boatmurdered 34.01 edition. That means constantly resurrecting zombie elephants, necromancers and werevampirecreatures.
After spending an unknown amount of time unconscious, I slowly open my eyes and sit up. I look around to see empty and broken barrels strewn all over the room, along with my group of currently passed out companions. I then begin to experience what can only be described as a hangover straight from hell(technically, straight from Boatmurdered. But that's still pretty damn close).
After vomiting into one of the empty booze barrels lying around, I make my way out of the room and attempt to find the path back out of the mountain hall. My head is pounding, I can't take this fucking smoke anymore. I...I just need some fresh air.
After short time wandering around without any idea where I'm going, I am again distracted by something. And sadly, this time it isn't a cheese engraving. It's a glow, visible through the smoke, and approaching me uncomfortably fast. I'm sure it has to be the fire, but not even fire like this should be moving
that fast...Suddenly,
flaming zombie dwarf horde out of fucking nowhere!...Shit.
Bolting away from a horde of flaming zombie dwarves, with an ungodly hangover, through an expansive, fiery mountain hall, the layout of which I am still unfamiliar with, physically suffering in a variety of ways as a result of the large amount of time I've spent in the heavy smoke, along with still not being fully recovered from that little Steam Obliterator incident with the Steampunk Necrons, means it's probably safe to say that my abilities aren't at their best at the moment.
Despite my various setbacks, I remain steadfast as I run down the main hall. Eventually, I recognize some brilliant engravings of cheese upon the walls. Hell yes, I'm almost there! I reach the end of the hall, and find my path blocked off by two stone doors. Hell no, I didn't come this far to be stopped so close! "I JUST. NEED. TO GET *COUGH* OUT!!"
Using a large portion of my remaining strength, I pull the stone door open with incredible force, and am greatly demoralized to see that the mountain hall entrance is completely sealed off by a giant wall of cooled magma. Enraged, I drive my fist into the wall of igneous rock, though it doesn't seem to have much of an effect, or at least that's what I think, up until I notice that the wall begins to crack seconds later. A faint smile returns to my face as the crack spreads across the rock wall.
Calming down a bit, I notice something else about the still-growing crack in the cooled magma wall. Strange, looking closely, it seems almost as if something is digging it's way through from the other si-
Undead elephant trunk out of fucking nowhere!To make a terrible situation worse, I am horrified when an undead trunk(that I can only assume is attached to an undead elephant at the other end) breaks through the igneous rock, and quickly wraps itself around my neck. Well this is definitely not going to help my coughing problem...
Being the swift-minded individual I am, I extend one of my hidden blades, and slash the trunk of the undead elephant,
severing the body part!The elephant trunk goes limp, and falls to the ground, as I once again find myself coughing uncontrollably. The added stress of almost being strangled to death by the proboscis of a large undead mammal causes my already nigh unbearable headache to intensify, and I fall to my knees as my skull starts to feel like it's splitting in two. Being closer to the ground doesn't help me this time, as the smoke has completely engulfed the area now that there is nowhere for it to exit.
The combination the smoke and the headache causes tears to start streaming from my eyes, as I try to take solace in knowing that at least things can't get any worse than they are now. Then I hear a growl coming from behind me...
I slowly rise to my feet, and after a small internal argument with myself, begin to turn around. Suddenly,
Nude zombie were- NO! Fuck that! There's no way in hell I'm making that announcement, I don't care what the fuck is behind me. I don't give a damn whether it's some sort of magical space wizard, or a mutant, firebreathing Triceratops, or any other crazy shit like that coming out of fucking nowhere. I am NOT saying
nude zombie weremandrill vampire Ezio Auditore out of fucking nowhere!....GODDAMNIT!!!
As soon as I turn around, the naked, undead, nightcreature assassin leaps at me, knocking me to the floor, and putting an exceptional amount of effort toward trying to either bite my neck, or bite my face off, I'm quite not sure. Though neither option is very pleasant...
>Two surviving Boatmurdered dwarves: FREAK OUT!!!
>Gold Cloaked Man: Begins glowing and suddenly a cocoon grows around him.
Back in the brewery room, the two Boatmurdered surviving dwarves awaken, and, after looking around, come to the terrifying realization that they are indefinitely trapped inside the place that has haunted their memories for centuries. And they don't have any booze left.
The bronze clad dwarf is throwing a tantrum! The quiet amateur artist dwarf is throwing a tantrum! The bronze clad dwarf demolishes the stills, before picking up the few remaining barrels still intact, and lividly chucking them across the room, while the other one begins to angrily scribble some very vulgar and offensive things all over the walls.
In their rage, they hardly notice that the passed out golden cloaked man has begun to emit a powerful glow, as his body is quickly enveloped in a large, cocoon-like casing.
DZA: Get infected by the evil rain; discover that it isn't actually an evil rain, so to speak. Learn the FUS RO DAH interaction from the rain.
I feel the last ounces of my willpower slowly drain away, as I focus all of my efforts on holding back the ex-owner of my outfit as he sits on top of me, biting and clawing relentlessly(really regretting not at least leaving his undergarments on right now). While dealing with this highly uncomfortable(in more ways than one) situation, I manage to spot something through the dense smoke, off in the distance, hastily making it's way down the main hall to my location. A glow. A fiery, burning glow. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!
Unsure about how I will survive this incredible streak of misfortune, I am distracted, perhaps for the final time, by the sound of thunder, coming from outside. Followed shortly after by the sound of heavy
rainfall. Unfortunately for me, this distraction gives my opponent the opportunity to swipe his claws across my face, cutting into my flesh, and adding blood to the lovely mix of tears and sweat upon my skin. Yet despite the pain, I cannot stop paying attention to the sounds of the storm. Something sounds different about this particular rain...Almost like it is carrying immense power of some sort, locked away within each little droplet. If I wasn't seconds away from a very gruesome and agonizing death, I would definitely make it a priority to investigate it.
I focus on it so much that, soon, everything becomes quiet, and the sound of the thunder and rainfall is the only thing I hear. It's calming. so much so, in fact, that I almost feel okay with the high likelihood that in the coming moments, I may no longer be among the living. I wonder if, perhaps, this grand adventure of mine is finally drawing to a close...
Name: D.Z.A.
Sex: Male.
Age: ??
Badassery Level: Great.
Location: Fortress of Boatmurdered, realm of Xoroth.
Inventory: Ezio Auditore's assassin gear.
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Topic: You are Me, Chapter IV: Into Lands Unknown (Read 131314 times)