The sock puppet man suddenly gets up and runs at you. "Let me lick you!" He then, so long as he gets to you, tries to take your arm and lick your arm before spitting on the ground. "You taste like dirt! I'm going to call you dirt man!" Then he begins talking to himself in a different voice. "No no... noo, it isn't right, we can not simply allow this to go on." He then attempts to sit on the ground scooting close to your leg and give it a hug. "I like cookies" Standing back up, he yells out now. "High five" You should probably leave him hanging. Though he continues to follow you. He seems to be a good dodger at least.
"How unpleasant...", I think to myself, too occupied with wiping the fresh saliva off my arm to high-five the strange man. I attempt to slowly distance myself from him, but for every step away I take, he takes a step closer. After about 3 minutes of walking backwards, I eventually back into a tree, and accept that I've gained a new companion, whether I like it or not.
>Miner: Oh god run
Deep below the earth, after a brief moment of awkwardly staring at the now rather offended Steampunk Necrons, the miner decides that the best course of action would be to exit his immediate vicinity as quickly as humanly possible, and begins to bolt through the vast underground sewer system, shortly followed by his new steam-powered enemies.
Fortunately for him, an untold amount of time spent working in dark mines and caves has made him exceptionally skilled at navigating subterranean areas such as this, Allowing him to keep a reasonably safe distance from his pursuers.
> Offer the insane man your pocket lint, and then use him as a mount, trying to make your way out of the city.
> ThreeToe hops on Scamps, which begins an epic chase scene.
Figuring my work in this place is done, I conclude it is best that I make a grand exit and move on. And what better way to make a grand exit than on the back of a loyal mount? However, seeing as there aren't any white steeds or suitable mythical creatures around, I concede that something slightly less conventional will have to suffice.
I search around the various compartments of my pants, and pull out the pocket lint that has been with me on my adventure since the very beginning. After a short flashback of all the good times we've shared, I turn to the strange man. "Want it?" I ask my new, sock puppet wearing companion. He doesn't respond, yet seems entranced by the small bits of lint formed in the depths of my pockets. I drop the pocket lint, and it lightly drifts to the ground, while the sock puppet man watches it fall through the air with unbridled fascination.
As soon as it touches down onto the grass, he immediately gets on all fours to pick it up. I take this opportunity and hop onto his back,
successfully mounting my companion! After bucking around a bit, I manage to calm him down, I then thrust Flesh Liberator into the air, and shout "ONWARD!" as a lightning bolt illuminates the sky. A classic feat of badassery.
The sock puppet man gallops away from the city at a surprising speed, kicking up dirt and grass as I begin to severely regret my decision to do this without finding a saddle for him first.
Witnessing my attempted getaway, the guinea pig man mounts the kitten(who not only remains uncrushed by all the extra weight, but is actually capable of carrying the guinea pig man with only minor strain), And starts to pursue me and my companion.
Music, because no epic chase scene is complete without it.As we get farther and farther from the city, the woods begin to thicken, making it harder to tell exactly where we're headed. Luckily, the sock puppet man's excellent dodging abilities allow him to swiftly move through the heavily forested region like a nimble cat. Unluckily, the kitten that the guinea pig man rides is able to move through the trees with an equal level of swiftness, on account of actually being a nimble cat.
As we dash through the woods, I notice that the guinea pig man and his kitten have managed to catch up, and are now riding beside us only a few feet away. I don't know if I'd be able to strike him through the trees with Flesh Liberator, but it's worth a shot. I look ahead for a moment to ensure we aren't going to run into anything, before getting ready to skewer the oversized rodent. However, upon looking back at his last known location, I find that the guinea pig man is nowhere to be seen.
Feeling a slight sense of both worry and confusion, I turn my attention back to focusing on getting through the forest. Suddenly, the trees start to clear, and I can start to tell just where it is we're going. Much to my discontent, It turns out we will be going over the edge of an immense cliffside if we do not greatly slow our pace within the next fifteen or so seconds. And if that wasn't bad enough, it would seem the guinea pig man and his furry little mount somehow beat us here, and are now patiently waiting with front row seats to our demise.
"Easy, boy! Easy!", I say, pulling on the collar of sock puppet man's shirt. He anchors himself by digging his toes and fingers into the ground, effectively slowing to a stop only seconds away from going over the cliff's precipice.
> DZA: Realize that high-tailing it alone is cowardly, and return to your friends and save them.
> This suit: Appear out of f**king nowhere.
The guinea pig man glares at us, presumably irritated by our avoidance of plummeting to our doom. Not sure about what else to do, I offer an equally fearsome glare in the hopes that he might feel threatened enough to leave us be.
Just then, our glare-off is interrupted by a massive rumbling coming from under the earth. Similar to the one experienced while at the restaurant, except much, much stronger.
Music, to continue the flow of epic.Back at the city, the heroes have organized the citizens, and are in the process of leading them out of the soon-to-be-deathtrap. The miner, barely managing to escape the clutches of the Steampunk Necrons, was able to make his way out of the sewers and onto the surface. The only problem is, so did his pursuers. The miner runs toward the crowd, waving his arms around. The heroes look back at him, wondering what the hell he's doing. He seems to be yelling something, but he's too far away to be clearly understood.
Then, the ground begins to crack, and a huge chasm opens up in the middle of the street. Despite a few close calls, the miner outruns the widening chasm, and meets up with the heroes. Exhausted, he starts rambling something about Necrons, sewers, and boulders. Thick clouds of steam flow out from the chasm, and the heroes' hearts sink as they see what begins to emerge...
It doesn't take long for me to deduce exactly what must be happening. The Necron assault has begun. The population of the city measures in the millions, there's no way that the heroes would have been able to get everyone evacuated in that time. Damn it, I should have stayed to help...
I hang my head in guilt, before looking up at the guinea pig man. "Listen, as much as I would love to have some epic final battle with you near the cliff edge, there are other things that require my attention at the moment. My fri-" The guinea pig man raises his hand, as if telling me to stop, then points in the general direction of the city. After giving the guinea pig man a thankful nod, I steer the sock puppet man toward the forest, and begin my steadfast ride back to the city, while listening to him have an intriguing conversation with himself that seems to switch between the subject of quantum physics and baking.
I once again arrive the very outskirts of the city, yet find that the sock puppet man is too worn out to continue on. I dismount him, and watch as he curls up and has his sock puppet sing him a lullaby until he falls asleep. The really scary thing is, it appeared that his sock puppet was still conscious even after he passed out. Looks like I'm on my own for now.
I make my way into the city as fast as I can. It isn't too hard to find the crowd of citizens, but something isn't right...Everyone is so quiet. Some faint whispers can be heard going back and forth as I walk though the mass of people, while some look at me and smile with joy, but it doesn't last long before their expression quickly reverts back to one of dread. Once I finally make it through to the other end of the crowd, I find the heroes standing motionless, staring into the fog-like steam that has spread over the surrounding area of the chasm.
I try to get their attention, but they refuse to take their sight off the ominous steam fog, or even speak to me. At first I was thinking that they were just pissed at me for leaving, but I'm not quite sure that's the case anymore. Looking into their eyes, I can see the faintest glint of fear. They also appear to be dripping with sweat(except the kobold prince, who instead stands there softly panting), though I am unsure whether that is because of all the steam, or because what is awaiting within it.
It would take a truly menacing force to put the heroes of Dwarf Fortress into a state of such speechlessness. Taking a couple steps forward, I look closely the thick fog of steam, and am startled to see countless glowing emerald eyes gazing back at me. The only explanations for why they're not currently going on a rampage that I can think of, are because they either have not finished mobilizing their army on the surface, or they have yet to receive direct orders to do so, but that doesn't matter now. Heart racing, I slowly step back, and do my best not to look fearful or act suspicious.
Keeping my eyes on the hardly visible Steampunk Necrons, I try speaking with the heroes once more:
"I have a plan. I need you all to pay attention, and do exactly what I say. Do you understand?", I say, just loud enough for the heroes to hear me.
They glance at me for just a moment, but say nothing.
"In roughly six minutes, I am going to walk into that steam cloud. As soon as I am finished speaking, I need each of you to turn around, and without panicking anyone, lead everyone as far away from here as possible. I don't know where, just make sure it is nowhere near here.", I tell them, in the calmest voice I can muster.
Tholtig turns toward me and tries to say something, but stops upon seeing seriousness in my expression.
"Trust me.", I say reassuringly.
The heroes look at each other, before reluctantly walking away. I dare not turn my back on the Necron legions, but I can hear the footsteps of the heroes shortly joined by members of the crowd. Slowly, the sound of the footsteps becomes more and more distant, I then carefully make my way through the steam, the emerald eyes becoming more distinguishable with every step...
Pawnch necrons until you hear croacking.
Raptor: chase dza in ethereal form, tell him you lost your body, the flesh liberator Belongs to toady, and that he will make business with you if you find his body
Surprisingly, the Steampunk Necrons step aside, and I continue walking, at least until almost losing my footing and taking a nasty fall into the chasm. I turn around, and notice that a pair of the glowing emerald eyes appears to be approaching me at an uncomfortable speed. Now only a couple feet away, I realize one of the Steampunk Necrons are charging at me. Robotic bastard must be trying to knock me into the chasm. In a split second reaction, I clench my fist and punch the Necron in the head, sending it
sailing off in an arc! Holy shit, this exosuit really hel- Wait, wait, wait. When the hell did I get into this thing? Well, at least that explains why the Steampunk Necrons seemed so much shorter.
Apparently not very fond of having their heads punched off, the rest of the Steampunk Necrons begin to fire off their Steam-Flayer Guns, while the Doomsday Monolith phalanx is moved into position. Steampunk Necrons begin phasing out left and right as I wreak havoc on their forces by devastating any that get in arms reach of me(Because, while I could use some of the the high-tech ranged weaponry included on the exosuit, beating the shit out them with my bare robotic hands is so much more fun), while avoiding Steam Flayer arcs to the best of my ability.
In time, their numbers start noticeably thinning, as I manage to start destroying them faster than they can return. The exosuit has taken minor damage, but is still going strong. Looks like there's actually a chance I might win this fight. But what's that thing that keeps following me around?
I am distracted from my Steampunk Necron beatdown by a strange, etheric being that won't seem to leave me alone. After I finish tearing one of the Steampunk Necrons in half, I take a small break to see what the etheric being wants.
He goes on to tell me that he has somehow lost possession of his physical body, which just so happens to be that of the cat eating, fan-headed abomination. He also has the nerve to tell me that the toad man is the rightful owner of Flesh Liberator, and that he will work with me if I am able to find this lost body.
Taking in everything he has told me, I think up a suitable response to give the etheric being. But before I can say anything, the exosuit suffers from a catastrophic system failure, due to the Steam Obliterator that has just been fired at me from the Doomsday Monolith.
>Jump through one of the massive gaping plot holes to avoid total destruction!
Oh yeah, and a massive gaping plot hole conveniently appears.
The exosuit(or at least what's left of it)falls over, and the control chamber opens up, allowing me to crawl out. While I'm overcome with immense pain, the remaining Steampunk Necrons begin to gather, and my chances of being totally destroyed within the next thirty seconds skyrocket. And as I lay there retching on the cracked and broken street, with several Steam Flayer Guns pointed in my direction, ready to fire at pointblank range, I can't help but smile. The heroes and the evacuated citizens should be long gone by now. And I've done enough damage to the Steampunk Necron army to stop them from going after them for quite a while. I may not survive this, but at least I can die redeemed.
Suddenly, the Steampunk Necrons turn their attention away from me, and begin shooting at something that I'm too busy writhing in agony to see. The sound of Boltgun fire is heard off in the distance, and as I struggle to lift myself off the ground, I find myself abruptly falling into a large whole that opens up directly below me and the exosuit wreckage.
Looking around, I now seem to be suspended in empty void of unexplainable nothingness. That wasn't just any hole I fell into. This type of hole can only come about as a result of some massive overlooked aspect of a story or plot, that fails to make any sense whatsoever. Sort of like single-handedly fighting off an entire Steampunk Necron army using an alien battle mech you spontaneously found yourself in, despite lacking both the knowledge and ability to even use said battle mech in the first place. Eh, at least it's safe in here.
>Summon my patron, the Burning Elf.
As I sit around floating in endless nothingness, something that's not nothing catches my eye. A tiny little spark hovers in front of me. I briefly wonder how it got here, and then decide to poke at it. Upon touching the small spark, it becomes unusually bright, and then starts to grow in size. Before long, I find myself looking at a flaming, humanoid creature with pointy ears, sitting in fetal position. The flaming figure straightens up, and introduces itself to me as the Burning Elf. Well it's certainly descriptive. Now then, I best think of what to do in this large, empty void. The boredom is almost as painful as my grievous injuries...
Name: D.Z.A.
Sex: Male.
Age: ??
Badassery Level: Epic.
Location: Massive plot hole.
Inventory: Nothing.
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Topic: You are Me, Chapter IV: Into Lands Unknown (Read 130811 times)