give them the drugs! they should die or at least be poisoned by incredibly aged drugs.
After some quick thinking, I swiftly pull out the aged drugs, and fling them at the clown horde. Most of the drugs have become so ancient, that they have almost entirely lost their potency. Others, however, have been fermenting in my pockets for so long that their smell alone could knock out a small to medium sized animal.
Due to the relatively light weight, many of the drugs simply fall to the ground a couple feet away, having no effect on the clowns. Luckily, one member of the hell horde becomes intrigued by the strange scent originating from some of them, and decides to pick them up off the floor and try them out. Moments after ingesting the drugs, the clown begins to scream in fear, and starts to run around frantically, he must be having a really bad trip.
To my surprise, seconds later, the drugged clown is freaking out, and starts to attack his confused brethren. He manages to make a small dent in their numbers before being swarmed by his kin. The drugged clown is a strong one. It should take a while before the rest of the horde can completely subdue him, which should buy me a little time.
Dive into the huge crevice, falling through hell and through a glowing pit.
This is the most badass story I've ever read.
Seeing as I now have a few moments of relief from the currently distracted clown horde, I can think of no better way to spend it other than diving
directly through hell itself! Taking a few steps back so that I can get a good running start, I consider whether I should go for a double flip, or a swan dive while making my entry into hell as I charge toward the crevice.
Do what you came to do.
"Wait!", I exclaim, stopping inches away from the crevice to hell. I nearly forgot my purpose for being here yet again. I've come this far in my mission to summon the heroes of Dwarf Fortress. I need to take care of that before I do any sort of hell diving.
I hastily run back to the center of the temple, pull Flesh Liberator from the shattered obsidian, and initiate one of the rituals. I get pretty far into it before I am interrupted by the unpleasant sensation of a clown's claws slicing through my flesh, I then look over and notice two things:
1) The dismembered body of the drug-curious clown.
2) The clown who has just left some rather deep claw wounds in my upper arm.
I quickly jump away to distance myself from the clown, only to realize that I am surrounded by them. Clowns, of all different shapes, sizes, and materials encircle the center of the temple.
I ready myself for a dramatic last stand against the inhabitants of the underworld. When suddenly, an unusual thought pops into my head. Perhaps this time, fighting is not the answer...
Do a Walt Disney and make the Demons reflect on their actions and choose the morally right action, and join you on your quest to doing what you came to do.
Failing that, stab stab, eyebrows, stab, stab.
And yes, FUCKIN FUK YEAAAAAAH
"I will not fight you.", I proclaim, sticking Flesh Liberator into the ground. The clowns look perplexed for a moment, then simply shrug it off and begin to run toward me. I quickly pull Flesh Liberator from the ground again and aim it at the clowns closest to me. "Hey, back the fuck up! I'm not done with my speech yet." The clowns growl and snarl, but grudgingly keep their distance.
(
Music, to set the mood)
"Look, I know that you're all a bit angry at me for obsidianizing some of your friends, and turning one of your fellow clowns against you, I understand. But without me, you would have never escaped that eternal prison in the first place. now I know that you are
demons clowns and all, and that there's probably a good reason why you were locked down there, But I also know for a fact that people can change. I can see, inside each and every one of you, that you have the potential to do so much better.
You've spent all of your existence bringing torment and pain upon others, and for what? What has it earned you other than a place in that godforsaken hellhole? You know as well as I that it doesn't have to be this way. I don't think any of us truly need any more needless suffering in our lives, do you?
Now then, you can either strike me down right here, losing several dozen of you in the process. Or, you can make the choice to let go of your anger, to let go of your hate. You can choose to change, redeem yourselves, and be saved from the tormented life that I know you have all grown tired of."
I slowly reach my hand outward toward the clown horde. "Join me, my friends."
Everything goes silent. Some clowns simply bow their heads, others struggle to hold back their tears, but no one says a word. After a little while, a clown of incredible size, clearly one of the toughest here, steps out from the crowd, and approaches me. We both stare at each other for a few moments, before he grabs a hold of my hand, nodding slowly.
I give a faint smile, then look to the rest of the horde, "Now, who's ready to summon some heroes?". The clown horde erupts in a wave shouts and cheers. "good, let's get started."
(
Music, for added atmosphere)
I start picking suitable clowns out from the horde, and begin instructing them on how to perform the given ritual. "man, it's a good thing I have them to help me with this", I think to myself, realizing how long it would have taken to summon each hero on my own. "With the help of the clowns, I will be able to summon them all in a fraction of the time!"
A clown stands in front of each statue, matching the hero they will be attempting to summon, As I stand in the center with Flesh Liberator, prepared to open the gateway when all is ready.
One by one, the clowns preform their respective ritual. Flesh Liberator growing stronger with each one completed. The rest of the horde stands by to provide support and cheer us on. Once the final ritual is finished, the clown gives me the OK, and I get into the proper stance, Flesh Liberator glows with untold intensity, so much so that it almost burns too much to hold. It is time.
With one swipe of Flesh Liberator, a tear in reality is opened, it shines with colors indescribable in the English language, and before long, the heroes emerge.
Legends, from all across Dwarf Fortress, now stand before me, many with armor and weaponry of amazing quality. Each known for their own amazing feats, they look at me only for a moment before realizing they are surrounded by a mass of clowns. Readying for battle, I quickly try explaining to them that the clowns are not their enemy before a small war breaks out. They don't seem very eager to trust me, but after noticing that I hold Flesh Liberator, they slowly lower their weapons.
I lead everyone over to the hell crevice. "This is it, my friends. The next step in our adventure lies at the very bottom of hell itself". Everyone looks rather confused. The clown are hesitant to return, and the heroes still have little idea just what the hell is going on. "I know it seems a bit odd, but you're going to have to trust me on this.", I say reassuringly. "Now then, ONWARD!", I shout, hopping down into the crevice. Not knowing what else to do, the others follow.
As I descend, the screams of tortured souls, and visions of unspeakable terror flash by. I look down, and see that I am rapidly approaching a glowing pit of some sort. I have no idea what will happen when I pass through it, but I have the
demons clowns of hell, and the heroes of Dwarf Fortress on my side now. Ready to face any challenge this existence can put before us. No matter what happens, it. Will .Be. EPIC.
Name: D.Z.A.
Sex: Male.
Age: ??
Badassery Level:
MAXIMUM.
Location: Hell.
Inventory: Pocket lint, 413$, Flesh Liberator.
Well, this looks like a perfect place to end this grand story. However, it also seems like the perfect beginning to a new chapter. Seeing as I'm fine either way, I think I will allow you guys to decide whther or not this adventure continues on...
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3 (75%)
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Topic: You are Me, Chapter IV: Into Lands Unknown (Read 131024 times)