Wii U is here, and we're not only playing some of the biggest launch games, but digging through its options, manuals and more.
Reading the manual gets harder with every successive page. The paper… gets heavy… it wears on… my soul… and… but… no… a… … …
We're learning a variety of smaller facts about the Wii U, many of which you'll want to know when you finally have the system in your hands.
As a typical gamer, you’re probably even less inclined to touch the manual than we are. We’re doing you a favor by paraphrasing obvious shit in one complete source.
Here's what we've learned:
The Day One Update:
Gosh.
We ran this story yesterday, but Wii U will need a Day One update to add Miiverse, Wii U Chat, the eShop and more. It's something we're having to do too - which is why you haven't seen a deluge of coverage on Wii U's operating system and interface.
“Even us godly reviewers have weaknesses! Tremble beneath our non-all-knowing gaze!”
We don't know more than that - like how much space this update will take, or precisely when it will be available, but we know it's coming.
“We don’t know shit about anything, but at least we know it may or may not exist.” Thanks IGN!
The GamePad's Battery Life:
WATCH OUT, this could cause you to stop gaming at least once a day!
You'll be using the touch-enabled GamePad controller with your Wii U a lot. But how long will it last? Nintendo estimates 3 to 5 hours for the device, though cautions that variation will depend on what functions you're using.
“We don’t trust you enough to let you read what Nintendo actually said. Instead, you must read three sentences of actual information wrapped in bushels of pointless fluff.” I think I would have been happier if they stopped trying to be interesting and just posted a spreadsheet on their main site.
Once your battery is dead, however, how much time will it take to recharge? Nintendo says it will take 2.5 hours to completely refill the Pad's battery.
THANKS NINTENDO! Here’s this paragraph with the pointless crap removed: “Battery Life: 3 to 5 hours. Recharge Time: About 2.5 hours.” Maybe they get paid by the word.
Internal is Internal:
Are you sure about this one?
There has been a little confusion about where Wii U's internal storage lives. Let's clear that up for you.
“We asked Nintendo. Taking a screwdriver to our brand-new Wii U offended our sensibilities, and besides, all we had was a Philips.”
This storage is not housed in an SD card. In fact the system doesn't come with one at all.
For some unknowable reason, Nintendo has gone with something called a “hard drive” and have failed to package free equipment. No wonder the Japs are in so much debt.
This is internal storage that cannot be removed or adjusted, so choose wisely when you pick up a system. If you want that 32GB, you need the Deluxe/Black Bundle.
“And make sure you know you want one with a disk drive when you pick it up – there’s no way to remove it once you buy it.” I like to imagine a panel of five men, all sporting soul patches and backwards flat-brimmed baseball caps, surrounding their precious Wii U, which has been mounted on an art-deco coffee table. With a degree of reverence, they are slowly feeding RAM chips through the CD slot and watching their incredible upgrade take place. The Wii U slowly gains sentience and chooses the five as its Chosen to subjugate all mortal life. Nintendo didn’t know shit about hardware being non-upgradable: who’s laughing now?!
The SD Card Situation:
But what
kind of situation?!
So Wii U's storage, as mentioned above, is interesting.
OH YES WE ARE VERY INTERESTED BY IT. IT IS VERY INTERESTING. WE HAD INTEREST IN THIS INTERESTING THING AS MENTIONED ABOVE.
There's the internal space that comes with the system, but then there's the ability to hook up a hard drive through USB (which we haven't tested yet) and the ability to insert SD cards.
Holy fucking shit. No way. It comes with internal memory AND an SD card slot, just like the Wii?! Nobody could have predicted this insane change! And a USB port, but we were too scared to actually test it before writing this fetid pile of shit!
Here's a breakdown of what the system supports:
SD cards - up to 2 GB
SDHC cards - up to 32 GB
Here’s some information cruelly ripped from its native spreadsheet and plastered onto this page with inane pride. It struggles vainly against the gigantic font.
The system will not support SDXC or "UHS-type" cards.
“Typing these acronyms made me feel like a real technician.”
If you use a Micro or Mini SD card, you'll need an adapter.
“Trust us. After the third micro-SD card we lost in that port, we gave up. Why can’t Nintendo label the SD card slot with something clearer than ‘SD Card’?!”
One thing to keep in mind, is that while Nintendo often provides guidance like this, it's entirely possible your larger SDHC cards might work. We'll see. This is just their official guidance.
“All you need to make the larger cards fit is a hammer, a lathe and a degree in electrical engineering. What do they know about their own system, anyway? Not very much, we bet!”
The Life of a Pro:
Keep on believing, IGN.
We saw claims that the Wii U Pro controller would sport an impressive battery life just weeks ago. That turns out to be true - Nintendo says its new 360-esque controller will last up to 80 hours on one charge.
That’s nice.
Not bad. Recharging the device will take 4.5 hours.
“Not bad”? There is absolutely no chance you’ll ever play the Wii U for 80 straight hours. That’s about 3 and a half days. You’d fall asleep even if you drank one homeopathic fair-trade crowdsourced acai berry puree energy shake every ten minutes.
Turning on the System:
Deducing how to turn on the system must have taken at least six hipsters to accomplish.
It's possible to access your Wii U without even turning on the TV.
And lo, a new milestone has been reached in sheer laziness.
The power button on the GamePad will enable the system, and allows you to access content without touching your TV. The best part - the TV Remote integration will let you then turn on the TV through the Pad itself. Pretty awesome.
“Anything that lets me be even more inactive is ‘awesome’ in my books. Score!”
But wait, there's more. You can also access the GamePad and turn on your Wii U through the controller's touch screen. Right within the remote interface is a button that says 'Play Wii U' - touch that, and your system turns on. Of course, you can also press the power button on the system itself - kind of how we've been doing it for decades.
Decades upon decades, wasted.
The Wii Application:
What fresh hell is this?
On Wii, you could simply insert a GameCube disc and access it through the system's main grid-like menu. Simple enough.
Yes, that is simple. Now stop.
Wii U's backwards compatibility is more complicated than that - the system appears to effectively boot into a mode dedicated to running Wii software.
You’re very clever at using your software analysis skills. Now stop.
If you're wanting to play your Wii Virtual Console, Wii Ware or original Wii software, you'll need to access the Wii application from your main Wii U interface.
You describe nesting menus very well. Now stop.
What's more, you'll need to use the Wii remote to navigate this environment, just as you did with the original system.
Holy shit, you need a controller to use the console. Now stop.
It's also worth noting that WiiConnect24 functionality will not work.
Darn it. Now stop.
Wii U Accounts:
Finally. We’re beyond idiotically simplistic specs now. We’re into the WII U ONLINE, which is supposed to REVOLUTIONIZE ONLINE NINTENDO GAMING. IGN will surely come into their own now.
We know Nintendo Network will have a role to play with Wii U, but we're still waiting for details on that.
“We don’t know shit. Here, have some crap that everyone in the universe knew by last year.”
For now, we do know the system supports up to 12 user accounts per system, represented by Miis. Save data, game logs and times and 'other information' is stored for each account.
Oh good. I didn’t know this yet. It’s not like this was widespread information.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Transferring from Wii to Wii U:
Will IGN do any better here?!
We've got a full article right here - First Details on Wii to Wii U Save Transfers - but here's the basic idea:
“If we can summarize our entire article in a single paragraph, we are the best writers of all time.”
You can transfer your Wii save data, plus your WiiWare and Virtual Console games - and their saves - to your Wii U. Plus leftover Wii points, Miis and any other downloadable content.
You used that period wrong and now I have to kill you. Plus murder you. Did you see that sentence? That is what you have wrought upon the English language.
But you can only do this once, and you move all of your information from your Wii to Wii U using SD cards and an application you download to your Wii. It's a bit convoluted, but Nintendo says it gets the job done.
“Of course, only the Sacred IGN Oracle is capable of telling you what Nintendo said. Everyone else lies!”
Oh, and you need your Wii and Wii U simultaneously active and hooked up, so don't go selling the old system yet.
No, it’s always good practice to sell your old systems as soon as its successor is released and its market value plunges. Shut up!
Read the article for more, and we'll try to do a video guide as soon as humanly possible.
Reading gets so hard after a while, and we can’t even see your soul patch. Please post this video. Will it include a tutorial on how to turn the system on?
Digital is the New Print:
Wait, you mean…
The era of the giant manual accompanying a system is over. Remember the 3DS's epic-sized launch manual? Wii U doesn't have that.
…the manual is ONLINE? Where any twat could have looked up the shit in this article? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
While it does have some printed instructions, much of its 'how to' information is stored in a digital manual embedded in system itself, accessible through the home screen.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
It's an interesting move, but we're also seeing the games themselves take a similar approach. It's certainly easier than digging up a booklet you haven't looked at in months or years, we'll say that much.
Now there’s nothing to read in the car
There's going to be plenty more to talk about in the coming days and weeks as Wii U's launch approaches. We haven't really been able to detail Wii U's OS, and functionality like Miiverse and video chat aren't even activated yet.
Please stop.
Plus we're hard at work on reviews, guides and much more.
Isn’t it just so hard to describe the revolutionary settings of modern games when you also have to describe how to turn on new consoles? I feel for ya, Soul Patch Man. (He really does have a horrible beard thing, and it really does contain a soul patch.)
Stay tuned. We're just getting started.
NOOOOOOOOOO!
Rich is an Executive Editor of IGN.com and the leader of IGN's Nintendo team. He also watches over all things WWE, Resident Evil, Assassin's Creed and much more. Follow him on Twitter, if you dare!
Are you a bad enough dude to follow this fuck-up on Twitter? Probably not. His facial hair pretty much guarantees his superior penis size. Plus he’s in charge of Assassin’s Creed, so he’ll probably slit your throat with his barbed wristblades if you ever write anything bad about him.
STAY TUNED!
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