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[Lillipad]

It's 1973. This is New York City. Ya just turned 57 last minute ago.
Ye'r a hard-boiled-cop-ex-drinker turned PSYCHIC DETECTIVE. You've been sober a total of 25 minutes, which has to be some kind of world record. Somebody get ova' he'e and call Guiness, because ye'r about to solve the case of a lifetime. It is also yer very first case. Ya've got yer gun pointed at some Bozo-the-clown guy, who just so happens to be the main suspect of this case you've been working on for the past ten minutes. Bozo's laughin' at'cha! What does he think you are? Some kind of clown? Is this a joke to him? Well, Bozo, this gunshot to the head should solve that attitude of yers! Or it would, if ya hadn't missed and shot some random stop sign.
That's all well and good and all, but first, ya need to get introductions out of the way so's the audience knows what's what. For starters, yer male. Ain't no question about that, unless you also forgot you were female alongside yer name.

So, wise guy. Spit out yer name, gender, and birth sign 'afore I get Pauly over there to do it for ya!

[Dsarker]

Ya GITZ! Mah name iz Ghazghull 'Ead'Unter! Don't you squigz forgetz it! And we'z da BOYZ! Of da FISHY STARTHINGY!

[Kestrel_6]

Name: Dagoth Ur
Gender: GOD
Birthsign: The Steed.

Heh Heh...

[adwarf]

Name: Dagoth Ur
Gender: GOD
Birthsign: The Steed.

Heh Heh...

This just because I want to see what the God Gender is like[/jk]

Seriously this

[Lillipad]

So... You're nothin' but a bunch a wise guys, ah? Well, I warned you about my friend Pauly ova' there did I not? Do you think you're Bozo-the-clown-lookin'-guy? You think you can just, just, just LAUGH at all I've done for you? I delivered your children, and ye'r just gonna be some kinda wise guy? Pauly, show'em how it's done.

I'd be happy to, my dear friend Frankie. So, you're this tool-lookin' psychic detective guy, yeh? Well, yer name is Joseph, and that's all you really need to know about this matter, capiche? Good. Yer birth sign is virgo, and I hear you have very tender hands and soft hair, so I'll let you decide what to think of that. Now, my dear friend Frankie over there wants to end the introductions, so let's let him, shall we?

Good job Pauly.

Hey, it was no problem, my dear friend Frankie.

Now, ya've just missed yer chance at nailing this Bozo freak in your record-establishing case, which just so happens to be the only case ya've eva worked on. Bozo's still their laughing his bullet-wanting behind at ya on the ground, so how do ya proceed?

[adwarf]

Kick him repeatedly, and shoot him in both knees.

[Johnfalcon99977]

>Keep Shooting him till he shuts up or you run out of ammo, whichever comes first.

[Lillipad]

You unload every last ounce of ammo you have into this Bozo freak. That is to say, unload all the ammo into the ground around him. You take matters into your own gun, and break his, or rather your own, nose on a phone booth on the corner. Wait to go Einstein, you just proved that metal is harder than your nose.

[Trapezohedron]

> Kill self. (accidentally)

> Become Phantom Detective.

[Lillipad]

Ya contemplate suicide so you can haunt this son-of-a-gun, but realize ya last all'a yer bullets. The only ways ya can do's that now is the painful ways, and you aren't a fan of pain. Pauly?

Yes, my dear friend Frankie?

On a scale of one to screwed, what would ya say this guy is?

Well, my dear friend Frankie, I'd say he's a high seven with a light hint of screwed. It smells like lavender, my dear friend Frankie.

I was thinkin' that too, Pauly. I was too scared to say anything, but you really helped me out there.

Again, it was no problem, my dear friend Frankie.

Anyways, you take your gun and beat the clown unconscious with it. You drag him off to your apartment and tie him to a wooden chair with some extension cords ya had lying about and wake him up with a bucket a' water. Now, how will you psychic that thing you were trying to figur out back on the streets.

[The Fool]

Well if we need to interrogate them, just ask.

We're psychic. Most people think of a place immediately if you ask about it. I suppose we can torture him too for good measure, but that would be for the sadistic detective to decide.

[Lillipad]

Ye'r suddenly that Bozo freak. Yer name doesn't matta' to nobody right now, so how's about we catch ya up? Pauly?

Well, my dear friend Frankie, if you'll allow me this honor. You were on the streets, and you suddenly saw a very, very drunk man waving around a pink gun, The sight was so ridiculous you couldn't help but chuckle a bit. When he ran out of bullets, you saw him slam incredibly hard into a phone booth somehow. You don't remember the next few seconds, but you woke up from some very cold water being thrown at you. The drunk man is now asking you questions.

Alright, good. How do you answer, ya clown?