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[Protomith]

NO OXEN, DON'T MOVE AT ALL. 

Edit: Re-reading that, it looks like I am telling the ox to stay still.

[Kilroy the Grand]

I suggest buying as many spare parts as possible, because those break when you need them the most. And bullets, lots of bullets.

[Protomith]

Looks like I'm going to do that, then. Next update tomorrow, because I am really tired for some reason.

This always happens on New Years.

I've never been able to stay up... (Coherently, one time I was so tired I couldn't remember any of it, but apparently I was awake.)

Challenge Accepted.

Edit: Wait, is today even New Year's? I don't remember. ;-;

[Protomith]

In the last update, Kilroy had decided to sneak off to the store in the cover of darkness and spend all of his money, forcing his family to come with him on the Oregon Trail...

Hey Kilroy, what brings you here at this late hour?

Oh, you know, just buying some... stuff. For the, uh, thing. The thing that happens tomorrow. Er, yeah...

Matt didn't know what to think of this. Actually, Matt didn't know what to think of anything these days... He recently found out that his wife has been cheating on him, and his son died. His bills were due soon, and he didn't have enough money to pay for them. If he didn't make a huge sale soon, he would have to close the store, pack his bags and leave town to take over his father's ferry business out on the Dalles River.

Meanwhile...

Kilroy was deciding what to buy. He didn't own any oxen, so he'd need about 10 of those, by his count. He also didn't want to use any of the food he owned right now, because his wife kept buying these beans that he thought tasted terrible, and that was all he had. He decided to buy 1000 pounds of food, and then he threw in 2 of each kind of spare part, just to waste more money. He bought 10 sets of clothes as well, because his family only owns one set and he had to punch a homeless man for the clothes he was wearing right now. Then he ran into the problem of how he was going to get more food on the trail, so he stared off into nothing and began thinking.

And he thought.

And Matt grew restless.

Kilroy, if you're just going to stand there like an idjit, why don't you go over to the idjit corner?

The 'idjit' corner was feared throughout the town. Men cried and women fainted at thought of being sent there, and any poor soul who was condemned to spend their time in that corner would forever be ridiculed by the townsfolk.

But standing there did give Kilroy an idea.

Kilroy knew what he had to do. If he was going to survive in that wasteland most people call the plains, he would have to buy bullets. A lot of bullets, at that. In fact...

I'll take all the bullets you have, too!

What!? That'll give me the money I need to pay my bills! Thank you, Kilroy!

So Matt grabbed the money, shoved about 100 boxes of bullets into Kilroy's "Big Box o' Oregon Trail", and ran to his house. Kilroy didn't know what Matt was talking about, so he just wandered home, pushing his box.

When he got there, he realized that he didn't have anywhere to put the box, so he just flipped it over and put a cloth on it to disguise it as a table. As for the oxen, he disguised them as shrubs. Now all Kilroy just had to make the decision of when to reveal his plan and leave. If he left too early, the oxen wouldn't have enough grass to eat, and they would die. If he left too late, the oxen would have no grass near the end of the journey, and he would get too cold.

When should he leave?

[Canalan]

Start in July.  All good expeditions arrive in the spring.

[Kilroy the Grand]

I agree with Doomguy there... I mean canalan

[Protomith]

Blargh, sorry about the lack of an update. I went into a strange mood and began a DF megaproject, so I completely forgot about this.

New update tomorrow, I promise!

[Kilroy the Grand]

I shall wait patiently.

[Protomith]

And so our hero waited; he had to begin his plan when the time was right. And so, on the day before July 1st, he made an announcement...

Alright everybody, pack your bags because we're leaving town!

WHY ARE WE DOIN' THAT!? I LIKE THIS TOWN JUST FINE!

Are we leaving because you commited a crime, Pa? ... Did you... MURDER someone?

No, Oliver, I didn't murder anyone. Remember when I was talking about going on the Oregon Trail? Today is the day we're gonna do that!

But we already discussed this, father, remember? You we're being stupid so mother sent you to your office to chop people's arms off with a rusty saw.

KILROY, LISTEN TO OUR SON! YOU'RE JUST HAVING A PHASE; WE AIN'T GONNA LEAVE JUST 'CUZ YOU WANT TO!

Oh, no, I think we have to, because...

Kilroy pulled the tablecloth off of the large box of stuff.

I spent all of our saving on supplies!

OH, SO THAT'S WHY WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH MONEY FOR A WHILE.

But... you've made more money since then, haven't you?

Kilroy had been defeated! But he still had another trick up his sleeve...

I also drugged all of you.

Pa, how could you!?

I THINK I'LL GO AND... and.. bluh...

So everyone but Kilroy fell asleep, and he loaded them and the box onto the wagon. The oxen looked relieved to finally be out of the bush disguises, so they were happy to be hitched onto the wagon.



AND SO BEGINS THE FIRST DAY ON THE OREGON TRAIL!

Yay, next update will finally be a real update!

[Kilroy the Grand]

Yes! Moar, I demand moar!

[Sirus]

Alright! This is the Oregon Trail I remember, not that 8-bit version the rest of the Internet loves so much!

[Protomith]

I actually used to play the next version of Oregon Trail; you could write stuff in the journal in that version.

Next update after I eat lunch.

[Protomith]

We left our hero just after he drugged his family and loaded everything onto the wagon. We're joining him a few minutes into the trail...

No! Bad snake! Don't eat my boy's toe!

Kilroy had apparently botched the job of stuffing his family into the wagon, because Armok fell out and almost had his toe bitten off by a snake. Kilroy had just stuffed him back into the wagon when something really weird happened.



A HAILSTORM? WHAT IS HAPPENING!? THIS IS JULY! IT'S 90 DEGREES HOW CAN THERE BE A HAILSTORM FFFFFFFFFFF!

As if to reply, a hailstone hit him in the nose.

Well, I guess I have to continue anyway, regardless of nature's apparent insanity.

So he continued down the trail.



And the hailstorm stopped just as suddenly as it started, and that hailstorm will forever be known to the world as "The Great Hailstorm of 1848", despite the fact that it only caused damage to one thing, which was Kilroy's nose.

Kilroy decided to just forget about the hailstorm.



He promptly lost the trail while trying to forget the hailstorm, which made him regret drugging Urist. That baby knew where everything was, and that saved Kilroy from many nights sleeping in a box on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere. While trying to find the trail, he noticed that Beatwelve's arm was sticking out at an odd angle. On closer inspection, he found that it must have happened when he threw Armok into the wagon.

He decided to tell her that it had always been like that.

The family was just starting to wake up again when they reached the Kansas River Crossing.

KILROY MCGALLAGASH, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHY A BONE IS STICKING OUT OF MY ELBOW RIGHT NOW, SO HELP ME I'LL-

Hey, where's my toe!?

I feel sick...

Everyone, calm down! Beatwelve, that bone has always been like that. Armok, toes are a myth. They don't exist and you are just starting to stop hallucinating toes. Oliver, if you're going to throw up, throw up behind the wagon.

BUT-

Oh, hey guys look! A river! What should we do about it?

What should they do?

[Criptfeind]

Take the ferry.

[Kilroy the Grand]

Take the ferry.

That seems the best choice, no need for anyone to drown horribly.