This is why you shouldn't play Dwarf Fortress early in the morning:
(For those who don't have time, I have a question at the end of my post)
I'm Hungry!
a Dwarf Fortress Epic read to the meter of 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'
One bright sunny day in the middle of spring,
a septet of dwarves began a caravan thing.
They loaded their wagon with barrels of meat:
pickled boar tripe was a mighty fine treat.
Doren, their leader, she picked out their spot:
an 100 foot peak on a twelve acre lot
The mountain emerged from a wooded oasis
in one of the lands' most hospitable places.
All seven were eager to dig secure lodgings;
'strike the earth!' Doren called, 'fore winter comes knocking'
Now Doren 'twas fair, bar the errant strange mood,
she had but one weakness, a weakness for food.
She was corpulent, nay, she was nearly obese,
and her large rolls of fat were all covered in fleece.
The first thing she did once they all had arrived
was to gorge on deer liver and mountain goat eye
and she called with her mouth full of bloody red meat,
'Get going you fools, we don't all need to eat!'
With bright copper picks eager dwarves set to dig,
while Doren looked on from her trough like a pig.
Some dwarves set to hunting, a few set to farm;
a militia was formed ere the dwarves come to harm
The mining went on for long months without halt,
and soon in mid-autumn they had their result
For some crazy reason their leader ordained
to set up their fort under mighty great strain.
They had hollowed out all of the base of the peak--
it left their support looking flimsy and weak.
For all of the mountain was balanced atop it,
with a poorly placed lever designed just to drop it
It's lovely! cried Doren, her mouth full of tortoise,
now go set up tables beneath our new fortress
Without any unease all the dwarves set to work
while Doren looked on should a dwarf choose to shirk
Now all of the dwarves were assigned to this task
save one, by her leave, a short hunter named Ast.
It was his job to sniff out delectable meat
that Doren could eat from her diorite seat.
He shot her a turkey without any thanks,
as well as a lightning fast badger boar manx.
He got the same praise when he gave her a fox,
and he even allowed her the tail of his ox
And he gave and he gave til his ammo was shot
and never a once was it kindness he got.
'Til one day he had it, no more would he hunt
it was time that he show that fat arrogant ****.
In this fit of red rage he knocked over her seat,
knocked the wine from her hand, and then swallowed her meat
'I've had it!' he said, 'time to end the charade'
It's time that we halted this blighted parade.'
But when Ast was enraged he was not very clever,
which was why the first thing that he thought was 'The Lever!'
The lever, remember, controlled the support,
the support which held up the whole mountainous fort
All the dwarves just looked on with their ignorant eyes,
or focused on moving around their supplies.
Now the lever was placed on the edge of their lot,
in a remote inaccessible far-away spot.
But find it he did, that irascible hunter
and he laughed to the peal of loud ominous thunder
'You've had it!' he cried, 'Doren's out of the race!'
And he pulled - 'Stack Error: Out of Memory Space'
.....
A few seconds later, to his own perception
(Though it seemed like much longer in human conventions),
An atomic concussion had him flat on his back
followed shortly by millions of deafening cracks.
As the dust slowly cleared past the lots defined borders,
he looked up to find the whole peak was much shorter
'Take that!' the dwarf shouted, beard bursting with glee
'I can hunt my own meat now, you hear that? I'm free!'
With a spring in his step and a grin on his face
he went over to witness the sad wreck of the place.
Yet while he was still many yards from the fort
a terrible shock brought poor Ast to stop short
For there, in a pond that the dwarves gave no name
He saw something so shocking it drove him insane.
And screaming he ran back the way he had come
Fully realizing now what a thing he had done
But the pond did not bring on his terrible fit,
It was rather the figure caught was bathing in it
She was covered in dust from her beard to her boots
Much like chimney sweeps covered in ashy black soot
'Wait!' she called out, 'can you get me a pail?'
And while you are at it, I'm hungry as well.
Ast did not heed her, and instead, a blind shiver
sent him running to fall in the fast-moving river.
'What a very fine bath' the oaf said to herself
'I feel like I'm ready to wrestle an elf.'
But looking around her, saw none could be found,
and her friends were entombed in their burial mound
'Is anyone here?' she called out with a yell
But her cry on no sensible dwarf ear it fell
At a loss, she plopped down on an unfinished shelf
"But I'm hungry' she complained once again to herself.
And still to this day she waits by that peak,
as hours turn days and the days turn to weeks.
For while she is clever and witty and neat,
She couldn't say thanks for just one piece of meat.
NOTES on 'I'm Hungry' --
This was inspired by an actual fortress. I had found one of those rare flat tiles with a 20Z mountain stuck in the middle of it and
embarked to do something remarkably dwarfish. I had no idea things would turn out so well.
My expedition leader was fat, and all she would do was eat. The hunter shot her a moose and it was gone in a month. The fortress was supported by that one pillar, and I had Ast collapse it just for Fun. I don't know how she escaped.
Well Ast quickly was lost to melancholy, but Doren just took a bath and kept screaming for food. After watching all her friends die
she was 'quite content.' She tried harrassing Ast before he killed himself, and the last I saw of her was when a caravan came
to the mountain. She ran right up to them and pretty much ate herself silly. I like to think that she ran off with them, but
for all I know she could still be there.. screaming 'I'm hungry!'
(Is eating from the Trading Caravan a bug? Or is that something that was MEANT to happen?)
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Topic: 'I'm Hungry!' A Dwarf Fortress Epic (Read 3618 times)