It's that time of year again...and soon the only thing that'll be more common that Christmas carols is parodies of Christmas carols! I'm just contributing and invite you to too!
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Deck the halls with goblin blood!
Fall-al-al-al-al, fall-al-al-al!
Pull the lever, watch them thud!
Fall-al-al-al-al, fall-al-al-al!
Oh, no--one landed on a cat!
Fall-al-al-al-al, fall-al-al-al!
It's more Fun when they don't go splat.
Fall-al-al-al-al, fall-al-al-al!
Said the nightwing to the little lamb,
"Do you siege what I siege,
Way up in the sky, little lamb.
Do you siege what I siege?"
A scar, a scar, high above its knees
With a wail all full of fright,
The lamb ran off into the night.
Said the little lamb to the soldier dwarf,
"Do you hear what I hear?
Winging through the sky, soldier dorf.
Do you hear what I hear?"
"That's wrong, that's wrong," replied the dwarf to him,
But then the siege flew o'er the wall.
The fortress seemed doomed to fall.
Said the militia to the DF god,
"Cannot follow order!
I am too busy getting socks!
Cannot follow order!
A foe, a foe, right above the bed?
I think that I'll--Oh, that's my head!
Then the dwarf, he did fall down dead.
Said the god to the dwarves everywhere,
"Listen to what I say!
Call to arms, my dwarves everywhere!
Listen to what I say!
The siege, the siege, it could kill you all--"
Then the next siege came to the gate...
Death by siegers was this fort's fate.
You'd better watch out! You'd better not cry! You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why:
Goblin Claus is coming to town!
He's making a list, and checking it twice,
Our fortress, to him, is quite nice;
So that abomination's in town.
He sees you when you're weeping
And knows you can't escape!
He knows our army isn't good--
Prove him wrong, for goodness's sake!
Owww...
I should have watched out, I shouldn't cry...I shouldn't pout, I deserved this. Why?
I ignored the goblins in town!
Oh the goblins outside are frightful
But the magma's so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
It doesn't show signs of stoppin'
Not with goblin corpses rottin'
It's quite a delightful show
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
When it finally gets too high
The goblins will be faced with our scorn
And if they ever show us spite
All the magma will be poured
The goblins are slowly dying
And the scene is mesmerizing
But as long as there's more to go
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow...
(sung by the king/baron/expedition leader to the migrants)
Trudging through the snow
In a massive migrant wave
O'er the bridge you go
Languid all the way
Yet again you bring
Another feline blight
How dare you bring these hellish things--?
We'll kill your pets tonight!
(chorus, sung by authority figures)
To the workshops, to the mines
Worthless migrant scum!
Put yer backs into it, now
Ye'd best work yourselves numb!
You there! Ye're conscripted now
Ye look good enough.
Heft an axe in yer two hands
Yer work here will be rough!
(sung by newly-arrived migrants)
A mere few years ago
We thought we'd emigrate
To fortresses afar
This was a huge mistake
Our ox died on the way
To baneful ungulates:
Corrupted elk whose skeletons
Still stalk the arctic wastes.
(chorus)
We cowered in the mines
As foul darkness fell
They poured out from the walls:
The denizens of Hell!
They rent us limb from limb
With awful screams of pain
The situation became grim
As countless dwarves were slain.
(chorus)
The stone runs red with blood
While flames dance 'round the place
Above us roars a flood
Our priceless art defaced
As madness takes its toll
The fortress falls apart
The final tortured souls
Unwillingly depart
(chorus)
Vile sight, noisy fight
Out there was but palm, now is blight
Call up yon surgeon for that Mother and Child
Lowly guard with the steel I stockpiled
Asleep whist were besieged
Asleep whist were besieged
Ancient fright, unholy knight!
Hardened souls quake at the sight
Gory stream from flesh torn ajar
Relatives minds left a scar
Urist, has gone berserk
Urist, has gone berserk
Silent rite, coldly night
One survivor, face pale white
No reason to stay in this place
Withdrawal in seeming disgrace
Armok, Lord, in mirth
Armok, Lord, in mirth
On the First Day of Dwarfmas, Dwarf Fortress gave to me
A site with a river and trees.
On the Second Day of Dwarfmas, my fortress gave to me
Two magma pools
And a great and vast magma sea.
On the Third Day of Dwarfmas, my fortress gave to me
Three masons
Two carpenters
And a weaponsmith whose name escapes me.
On the Fourth Day of Dwarfmas, my fortress gave to me
Four steel axes
Three mail shirts
Two pairs of greaves
And the makings of a military.
On the Fifth Day of Dwarfmas, my embark gave to me
ADAMANTINE
Four shining gems
Three gold veins
Two silver ores
And a diamond clear as can be.
On the Sixth Day of Dwarfmas, my fortress gave to me
Six soldiers armed with
ADAMANTINE
Four ambushes
Three snatchers
Two titans
And a breeding pair of megabeasts.
On the Seventh Day of Dwarfmas, the elves all brought to me
Seven giant eagles
Six giant tigers
FIVE GRIZZLY BEARS
Four unicorns
Three lions
Two tigermen
And a bunch of useless crap I don't need.
On the Eighth Day of Dwarfmas, migration gave to me
Eight useless haulers
Seven various farmers
Six future masons
FIVE ARMORERS
Four mechanics
Three miners
Two glassmakers
And a dwarf who was named after me.
On the Ninth Day of Dwarfmas, my fortress gave to me
Nine children chatting
Eight masons building
Seven miners digging
Six smiths a-smithing
MORE ADAMANTINE
Four forgeworkers
Three haulers
Two woodcutters
And a five-squad goblin siege.
On the Tenth Day of Dwarfmas, my idiots gave to me
Ten mason's workshops
Nine magma smelters
Eight glass furnaces
Seven craftsdwarfs' workshops
Six magma forges
FIVE ARTIFACTS
Four Forgotten Beasts
Three dragons
Two plains titans
And some soldiers in adamantine.
On the Eleventh Day of Dwarfmas, my site did give to me
Eleven gold deposits
Ten yellow diamonds
Nine hematite veins
Eight hundred opals
Seven thousand flux stones
Sixty strands of precious
ADAMANTINE
Four idiots
Three morons
Two nincompoops
And the sound of otherworldly screams.
On the Last Day of Dwarfmas, I load my game to see:
Twelve throwing tantrums
Eleven miserable
Ten guardsmen beating
Nine dwarves berserking
Eight suicidal
Seven stark raving mad
Six dead because of
HIDDEN FUN STUFF
Four demons for
Each dwarf left
In the fortress
And a cat swimming in the magma sea.
(If there's a two-syllable name for Goblin Christmas, let me know.)
On the first day of Christmas the goblins sent to me:
A prisoner in a lead cage.
On the second day of Christmas the goblins sent to me:
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the third day of Christmas the goblins sent to me:
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the fourth day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the fifth day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the sixth day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Six bowglins* shooting,
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the seventh day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Seven macegoblins,
Six bowglins shooting,
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the eighth day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Eight trolls a-smashing,
Seven macegoblins,
Six bowglins shooting,
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the ninth day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Nine beak dogs biting,
Eight trolls a-smashing,
Seven macegoblins,
Six bowglins shooting,
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the tenth day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Ten master marksmen,
Nine beak dogs biting,
Eight trolls a-smashing,
Seven macegoblins,
Six bowglins shooting,
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Eleven crocs a-swimming,
Ten master marksmen,
Nine beak dogs biting,
Eight trolls a-smashing,
Seven macegoblins,
Six bowglins shooting,
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the goblins sent to me:
Twelve stolen dwarves,
Eleven crocs a-swimming,
Ten master marksmen,
Nine beak dogs biting,
Eight trolls a-smashing,
Seven macegoblins,
Six bowglins shooting,
Five iron helms!
Four mad lashers,
Three bronze whips,
Two copper greaves,
And a prisoner in a lead cage.
*"Bowglin" is a nickname I gave to bowgoblins in Dawnstone.
We three dwarves of Mountainhome are
Bearing goods we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Wanting to trade at par
O Fort of violence, fort of night
Fort of vomit-splattered blight
Goblins bleeding, gore proceeding
Remnants of the fight
Said the King of Mountainhome fame
Swords I wish and animals tame
You sell quivers made of troll fur
Now we regret we came
(chorus)
Mugs in bins, you’ve jacked up the cost
Copper armor you should have tossed
Atom-smash it, magma dump it
Our profits have now been lost
(chorus)
Requesting flux stone, steel bars too
Expecting us to listen to you
Never heeding what we’re needing
Why do we bother with you?
(chorus)
Meeting’s over, now we can go
Packing up is always so slow
See you next year, if you’re still here
Here ends our tale of woe
More coming if I can think of any that don't suck.
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Topic: Dwarfy Christmas Carols (Read 3703 times)