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[Garath]

I had a captain of the guard who was little more than a torso. Well, he had arm stumps, and  leg stumps. He could bite and push, and that was it... So it was pretty funny to think a beating from the captain involving him rolling up to you, sort of trying to roll into you, and snapping at your ankles.

Thank you for making my day. I haven't laughed at a mental picture that hard in a while.

It's about twice a week I die from laughter reading these forums.

seconded

[Geen]

Hey, my first hammerer lost an arm on their first attempted execution. Candy axe + counterstrike FTW!

[ansontan2000]

I had a captain of the guard who was little more than a torso. Well, he had arm stumps, and  leg stumps. He could bite and push, and that was it... So it was pretty funny to think a beating from the captain involving him rolling up to you, sort of trying to roll into you, and snapping at your ankles.

Sigged.

[Ieb]

Dwarven justice is pretty hilarious though.
Especially because it tends to be a process that is forced to repeat itself.
Law is broken, criminal is punished. Criminal may commit another crime due to the punishment(assuming they survived) and cause further misery. In case the original criminal did not survive, their friends may break the law in their stead from being miserable over their death, and the cycle starts all over again.

It's a miracle the dwarves even survive in a world where justice makes an entire fort flip it's shit and engage in complete anarchy. All we need is for dwarves to be able to make oilbombs and raid armories for gear and weapons to fight oppression and we'd have a whole new ballgame in our hands.

As for adamantine hammering, I'll bet sooner or later once dorf behavior is fleshed out more, getting hammered is a social stigma of such heights that it drives the surviving criminals miserable.

[GreatWyrmGold]

In Dawnstone, a dwarf tantrumed and destroyed the workshop my sheriff/a few other things was using. The vandalizer was beaten, of course.
Did I mention that the sheriff was also a woodcutter? Oops.

[Reudh]

I... I've been sigged... for the first time ever! What a frabjous day!

[Loud Whispers]

I... I've been sigged... for the first time ever! What a frabjous day!

And so began a wondrous tale involving booze, slaughter a barrels of fun.

[acetech09]

I gave a CotG a masterwork steel sword - the mandates were easy to fulfill so I assigned him the sword so he looks cool.

Completely forgot a mandate on accident and ended up having my CotG get a bit - accidentally busy.

After a brief scuffle with a competent metalcrafter, I got the death notification - of the Captain of the Guard. My unarmed metalcrafter took down the steel-sword captain with his bare hands - not a lucky shot or anything, either. Just kept dodging the sword attacks and kept punching and kicking, wrestling, breaking a few bones and eventually making the CotG pass out, and then a kick to the head.

I now have a system where if you get jailed, you get locked in a room with the unarmed captain, who deconstructs your chain. If you beat him, you become the CotG.

[krenshala]

I just find someone with the description "... is very weak" and assign the position to them.  If i can I will try and make a willow hammer (or adamantine once I get it) or some other feather light material to make sure they do little damage.

Of course, I also have some chains next to beds in little 2x2 cells, but still.

Oh, and in my current fort the Sheriff had her newborn (third) son stolen not a month after he was born.  Not sure how it happened, unfortunately.  No combat notice about a goblin or anything, so I guess she put him down to pick up the lumber I hadn't told her not to haul yet and didn't see the gobo come up behind them.  There were some greenies skulking about, so I know it was them, I just didn't get a notice at that time.  I also added the children to the burrow so they aren't supposed to leave now -- guess I should have done that sooner.

Its gonna be interesting if that dwarf comes back with a goblin siege later, as I plan on making the Sheriff's first (or second if the eldest isn't around) son the new Sheriff/CotG once the time comes.  Brother against brother!

[edit] and right after I post this, I go back to Sakrithalath (Blazedbolts), and almost immediately get a message that the Sheriff has given birth to a fourth son.  Prolific couple, that Sheriff and her husband ... I wonder if she'll be able to keep this one with her until it can mature.

[Andal]

I just find someone with the description "... is very weak" and assign the position to them.  If i can I will try and make a willow hammer (or adamantine once I get it) or some other feather light material to make sure they do little damage.

I do this as well, except I just give them a training sword. I think of it as an officer's baton.

[Tastysaurus Rex]

Normally I just force my law enforcement to bring on the fisticuffs, but for this recent fortress I decided to give my guards legit weapons; a sword for the captain and maces for everyone else. They're just iron (the quality shit is for my military) but every now and again my captain disembowels rampaging maddwarfs and I wonder why I didn't do this sooner.

[dr_random]

I've seen this now repeatedly, that some of you equip the guard with lighter weapons.
The "inflatable hammer" - that's a hilarious thing to imagine. And the process of the beating with that, too.

However, I consider this to be a really cruel type of punishment. True, a decent strike with the iron mace can put an offender really down. But sometimes they survive. It's like a kind of purgatory - only quicker.
Now, imagine that inflatable hammer. The CotG striking repeatedly the offender. It's making perhaps squeaky noises, too, doesn't it?
And the offender bending over a rack or something while the CotG says things like "And THIS! THAT will teach you!". It's a public humiliation. And they all do laugh. Now, do you really wonder them running amok armok after that?

Remark: Fixed typo

[Kylarus]

Can't wait till Toady mods in "Lying about production orders."
Urist McMason: I have made those three slade blocks you requested.
Urist McNoble: No you haven't, these aren't slade!
Urist McMason: Of course they are, see how heavy they are? I can barely lift this bin of them and haul them across the fortress. Also, see how dark they are? Not even Onyx is so dark. They are also so warm to the touch. Only Armok's blood is so warm. Here, hold them and see for yourself!"
Urist McNoble: Well, that makes sense.
Urist McNoble is pleased at having a deadline met.

[Aspgren]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Garath]

i wonder when he's going to apply mayor realism features on mandates

"we dont have copper?"
"no."
"we dont have tin?"
"no."
"so me wanting fine pewter items isnt going to work any time soon right?"
"no."
"Well, give me the gold cabinet then."
"sure."