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[xDarkz]

Never thought I'd be posting in this section of the Bay 12 Forums, but hey first time for everything!

Well, I'm a twenty year old, third year college student living with his parents. I'm in the process of trying to find an apartment, but everything's just so... shit right now. I have a girlfriend who's eighteen, a little bit younger than me. We're great together, and it's the best relationship I've had in a very long time. We've been going strong for almost two years now, but there's a problem.

My overly conservative Asian parents dislike her. Not in the disgusted kind of way, but in the 'not good enough, she's got no respect for us,' kind of way. The entirety of their accusations arose from a few dinners we'd had with them. Now, she's no where disrespectful, but she is awfully shy when it comes to tensed situations such as dinner with what plausibly could be her soon to be in-laws. She tries to make conversation but... tends to be quiet over most of the course of the dinners.

They give me this 'disrespectful' bullcrap, and how she comes from a far too lenient family. One time, I just snapped and even told them I'd preferred that leniency to this overwhelmingly structured family.

I... honestly just don't understand. Her parents LOVE me. We have a great time around her family, eating, partying, at events, etc..etc... But there's so much tension and disapproval when it comes to my side. Has any of you ever been involved in something like this? Are my parents (overwhelmingly my mother)'s disapproval even normal? How would I go about solving this?

[Trapezohedron]

Probably because they expect her to be more assertive and skilled.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's good, but maybe your parents expect her to be rich, or business-minded, or less shy.

Either that, or they're not willing to let go of you.

[Neonivek]

Probably because they expect her to be more assertive and skilled.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's good, but maybe your parents expect her to be rich, or business-minded, or less shy.

Either that, or they're not willing to let go of you.

It could be many things. Perhaps because she doesn't meet what they expected out of a possible Daughter-In-Law that they have focused a criticle eye onto her and counted her faults. Heck what are their standards? What would a "respectful" person even be?

Disapproval being normal I can't exactly answer, as I have a leniant family and the only disapproval I ever got from my parents was because they thought the interest I recieved from girls was them picking on me.

However I am guessing that yeah it is normal for parents to be disapproving in some families.

[Vector]

Hmm... this sounds kind of weird, but if you've got a group of Asian friends, you might try to spend more time as a couple with them.  I've found personally (as a white woman who hasn't dated any Asians yet, but did have a rather large number of Asian friends whose parents seemed to like her) that acculturation really helps a lot.

[Trapezohedron]

People tend to be lenient to other people of the same race. Perhaps, they're kind of racist?

But, like Neonivek said, it could be a lot of other things.

[LordBucket]

Has any of you ever been involved in something like this?

Similar.

Are my parents (overwhelmingly my mother)'s disapproval even normal?
How would I go about solving this?

You've given enough information for me to respond based on stereotypes. If that's sufficient, then read on.

"Normal" is subjective. I think that asian parental disapproval of relationships with whites is not uncommon. Especially with you being male. There's more acceptance in the other direction.

As to solving it...well, what exactly is it that you perceive as broken and in need of fixing? I propose that you consider the possibility that your parents might be perfectly content seeing the situation as they do, and in my experience, attempting to change people against their wishes is rarely productive. If they're comfortable in their disapproval, what exactly do you expect to be able to do to change that? It might not be possible to convince them that she's good enough. The problem isn't necessarily that she's not goog enough. The problem might be that she's white, and trying to overcome that might lead to a great deal of very frustrating and entirely wasted effort.

Being white myself, my personal inclination is to suggest that so long as you are happy with her, that's all that really matters. But from personal experience, I've observed that asian families tend to perceive familial approval as being far more important than it is to me. That's for you to decide.

All I can suggest is that you make whatever decisions for yourself you to wish to make. You're not responsible for your parents, or their decisions. Only yours. You're the one who'll have to live with the decisions you make, so it behooves you to decide wisely.

[mainiac]

Don't rub it in your parents face because that's just counter productive.  But they are probably just going to need to adjust here because that kind of personality is hardly unique to white people.  So if your parents have a problem with this girls personality, they could just as easily have a problem with any future Asian girlfriends you might have.

And at the end of the day it's not your parents who are dating this girl.

[Zangi]

Parents want whats best for you, even if you think otherwise. 

So yea, they probably disapprove of her cause of her personality, subtle mannerisms, subconscious racism, upbringing or even as shallow as her financial/social status.  Really, its probably not one thing, just a whole mess of 'small problems' adding together. 
Which makes it hard to convey why they don't like her in a simple way.

To solve... here is one take...
Try to get a real talk going between yourself and your parents.  Your girlfriend too I guess, depending how much she knows of their dislike.  It may or may not be a bad thing to bring her along, but it helps cement the fact that you 2 are together and willing to work it out if she takes part.

No beating around the bush, ask them to air their grievances and try not to get pissed about it, this part really depends on you and yours maintaining calm when being told things you don't like.  I don't really condone just popping the question out of nowhere...  give them forewarning that you want to talk about your girlfriend, a frank talk, but don't let it sit for too long before the meeting, week at most, a day or 2 may be ideal.

Responding to the grievances... well, you want a calm and collected response, to correct misconceptions, to work on something(if any feasible) and to simply put the foot down in some things that can't be changed. 

Emphasis that the both of you want their approval... since that seems to be the base issue here.

[Calhoun]

Worst case scenario is that your parents never fully approve

That said, you can't just stop what you're doing because of that. I'm in a somewhat more blatantly racist boat, but I don't care. My folks raised me and I love them, sure, but it is my life and I also love my girlfriend. (She is black, I'm white.) Approval is nice but not necessary.

You could try having her around more, and as Zangi said, call them out on it.

[darkflagrance]

Just let your parents get used to it. She's only 18 and will probably do more concrete things you can point to in the future, and their expectations, assuming they aren't racist, are probably too high and unrealistic. And if they don't get used to her, I'd personally say no loss. Take those things as constants that can't be changed and worked around them then.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Your parents are racists. They don't like her because she's white, and the whole "disrespect" and "comes from a far too lenient family" things are their way of trying to sugarcoat to you that they want you to drop her because she's white.

This isn't an uncommon thing, either. I've heard story after story of parents who will never be happy unless their child marries someone of their own race, and then try to say they aren't racist because "imnotracistbuthorirblyraciststatement". Asian/White disapproval is one of the more common incidences of this, in my observations.

Do not let this affect your relationship, and if your parents keep prying tell them in no uncertain terms that you are an adult who can make your own relationship decisions, and that they do not have power here whether they like her or not. If they can't accept her and try to threaten you to get you to cease your relationship with her, then they probably don't care about you very much either and you should try to cut ties with them as soon as possible. That's a less likely scenario though, if you establish that they aren't going to sway you then they will probably get used to her. You do need to make it clear that you have the power over your relationship and not them if you ever expect that to happen, though. You don't have to be aggressive, but you do have to assert your rightful place as decision maker in this regard.

[Neonivek]

Your parents are racists. They don't like her because she's white, and the whole "disrespect" and "comes from a far too lenient family" things are their way of trying to sugarcoat to you that they want you to drop her because she's white.

Isn't this a bit of a jump of logic?

I mean we know his/her parents don't like her... and we know she is white.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Your parents are racists. They don't like her because she's white, and the whole "disrespect" and "comes from a far too lenient family" things are their way of trying to sugarcoat to you that they want you to drop her because she's white.

Isn't this a bit of a jump of logic?

I mean we know his/her parents don't like her... and we know she is white.

It seems pretty clear to me. This isn't exactly a revolutionary story, "conservative parents hate child in interracial relationship" is a sadly common social scenario, and OP's descriptions match up fairly well.

They aren't just going to come out and say "Don't be with the white girl!", racism these days is generally more stealthy. It's not very good at that, but it does convince a lot of people that it isn't there. OP's parents have little other reason to hate her, and the comment about "her lenient family" has a racist subtext that is obvious enough to me.

[Croquantes]

Yeah, I'm also going with them being racist. Though, on some level you can't blame them. They probably want the "right" girl for their son, and white girls have a horrible reputation for not being asian enough. If she's not a chaste, A+ honour roll student with professional (requirement might be waived if they're RICH) parents she's not good enough!

My advice: Just keep dating her, and eventually they'll get tired of flinging their baggage at you and might start liking her.

[xDarkz]

Thanks guys. I couldn't reply earlier due to on onslaught of midterms I had today, but I've read through each and everyone of your comments. I can't say I disagree with the points you guys have made. I think it's a mixture of all the above, with subtle, unconscious, hell, maybe even conscious racism on their part.

Perhaps they're inclined on me getting together with a more assertive girl, or they'd just outright prefer me to date 'inside the race,' kind of thing. I can't really outright bring the subject of racism into conversation without them feeling threatened and then like Metal had said, just gloss it over with however many excuses they can think of.

I haven't been able to have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but I will try to, fairly soon. Our relationship is... complicated. Strained even, ever since around puberty started. This... will definitely be interesting...

I've already firmly established that even though they'd not approved of her, I'm still going to date her. I'm not those type of guys to just split; I really dig this girl. Me and my parents' relationship might become even more strenuous if they're adamant on it, but I guess that's a decision they're just going to have to make.