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[Haschel]

I don't think "depression" is quite right exactly but I couldn't think of a term that better fits how I feel. I'm not particularly unhappy yet I'm finding that I can't find pleasure in doing any of the things I normally enjoy. There's a stack of games sitting in my room that could easily translate to a month of pure entertainment, and they aren't even sub-par games. They're games I really want to play, but half the time I can't bring myself to start one up, and if I do then playing them doesn't bring nearly as much joy as I would expect (Not that I'm expecting pure and utter bliss, my expectations are still reasonably low). It's a similar situation with other forms of entertainment- Books, television etc. The only thing I can seem to do is listen to music. So the majority of the day I'm listening to music while aimlessly browsing the internet, or excercising. Lots of excercising.

It isn't a particularly bad situation. It just feels rather... empty I suppose. Whenever I'm doing something I can't seem to bring much emotion or feeling to it, just this sense of neutrality or possibly apathy. Like I don't quite care, or circumstances don't really hold any meaning. Originally I intended to just write this out and see if it brought any bit of enlightenment about how I feel or what I should do- It didn't, so I figure I'll just post it and see what happens. I'm seeing a therapist and all that jazz, so I guess I've got that covered.

[Andrew425]

Do you find yourself really bored lately?

[LordBucket]

I can't find pleasure in doing any of the things I normally enjoy.

similar situation with other forms of entertainment

just write this out and see if it brought any bit of enlightenment about how I feel or what I should do

You can't find pleasure in entertainment, and you're writing this post seeking enlightenment. Maybe entertainment isn't what you want? Perhaps enlightenment is?

It just feels rather... empty I suppose. Whenever I'm doing something I can't seem to
bring much emotion or feeling to it, just this sense of neutrality or possibly apathy.
Like I don't quite care, or circumstances don't really hold any meaning.

Playing games, listening to music, watching television...these things aren't intended to "hold any meaning." If you want depth, if you want meaning, then perhaps you might have more success looking elsewhere?

[LegitMacgyver]

I support the previous comments.

I went through the same thing about the time I was finishing college.  I remember when my Dad told me when I was a teenager that I would grow out of games as I got older.  I thought he was crazy, but I don't think that anymore.  Don't get me wrong I still play occasionally, but not anywhere near as much as I once did.  Games are one of my hobbies now, not the only one.

If you find yourself staring at the screen thinking: "what am I accomplishing with this," then you are like me.  The day I stopped spending hours a day playing games was the day I started doing all the things I thought I couldn't do. (sounds like a self help group line, but it is true.)  Some people balance it out just fine, but I had to quit playing games for awhile to get the balance right.  Now I don't need to scratch the game itch like I used to.

My recommendation:  Try to go without video games for one month.  Pick something like a language, sport, or hobby and get into it.  You don't need to stop forever, you just need perspective on why you play and what makes you feel worthwhile.

[Haschel]

I think I've figured out what I needed. My mind's been a bit preoccupied with a specific topic, and I believe that is what's preventing me from going about my regular business. It's possible I've outgrown personal entertainment to an extent but I don't think I'll be able to say for certain until I overcome this particular issue. Thanks for the input everyone.

[kulik]

You're exercising, huh? Do you drink protein shakes? They have a high content of BCAA amino acids which your body prioritize to processed over trypthopan acid (which is also BCAA acid but of lower priority for your body). It works as a biochemical precursor for serotonin which lack of may cause depression. Its a long shot but it may be part of your problem.

[Haschel]

Haven't been drinking protein shakes, no, but thanks for the tidbit. The exercise is just basic at-home stuff to try and lose a bit of weight and burn some time while I wait for some stuff to happen. I'll probably leave this thread open for awhile in case I feel like writing some stuff out again in the future.

[knutor]

Diet changes like the previous poster mentioned, not that one in particular, helped me cope with my depression.  I still eat meat and dairy, but since I limited them down some, I feel more like a whole human being.  Still sick, but whole, not twisted and pulled into pieces by uncomfortable thoughts and everyday noises that sound like stampeding buffalo.  I also give blood, in addition to watch what I eat.  From time to time, it makes me feel happy to help someone else feel happy.  There really aren't many safe places to securely do that, to help others in the world, outside of outright volunteering, food banks, etc..  Many of those volunteering assignments in hospitals and nursing homes are so structured and confining, its more stressful to me, to learn to do them, do them, and then walk away without being paid and still feel competitive in the world, than it is to do nothing whatsoever, than look out the window at a squirrel.  I get that feeling of being used and abused from work.  Do you?  Could it be loneliness and not depression, that you feel?  Breakup or move, recently?  I find myself often feeling lonely and depressed, both.  I rely on creature comforts, and health snacks.  Family helps if ya have it, too.  Always nice to pickup the phone and have someone to call, who will listen.  But, the PC and TV are my two best friends on many evenings.  Wish they weren't but what can I do?

Knutor

[Haschel]

Going to post some junk here. I've wanted to say some things for a long time but my mouth never seems to form the words, so I'll just write it out. I'm not really asking for anything from anyone else, I just need a chance to release some things I've had inside me for a really long time.

I gave up on life a long time ago. You could call it a pact, or a promise, or a goal, or just a simple choice. There's this mental picture, this living, moving memory of the exact point that it happened. I'm in a car. Backseat. I'm still a child. It's dark and I'm looking out the window not seeing anything. I might of been sad or upset but I don't think so. I remember it more as a moment of clarity. I don't really know any good way to describe it. I just knew at this very point in my life that I had given up. I was finished. I was somewhere around 12 years old. I'm 24 now as of a couple weeks ago. I'm still here, but I'm not living anymore. It feels like I've gone through a lot in those twelve years, but at the same time I don't feel that I've changed at all.

I don't work. I don't go to school. I dropped out of school shortly after this ordeal began. I don't know that you can "legally" drop out of school that early but it would be a lie to tell you otherwise. I've seen a lot of psychiatrists and a lot of therapists since then, and I still do. I don't know what to do with them though. I tell them my problems, but I'm not sure if these problems are in fact relevant to myself. At times I wonder if I have become so accustomed to avoiding the things that matter that I've begun to do it without trying or even wanting to.

It's taken me several minutes trying to think of how to say this but there is only one phrase that I can manage. I hate myself. I really do. I believe it shows as well. I have neglected myself physically, mentally, and if I believed in anything spiritual it would be that as well. I've hated myself so many times for so many things that I don't really acknowledge it anymore. It's just a part of me. I've sacrificed a lot in my life for no real purpose other than to punish myself. I can't make any logical explanation of this, it just is. There may still be a part of me that is seeking some sort of redemption, otherwise why would I make so many attempts to seek help from others? I have made many attempts. Perhaps most of them don't make any real sense, but some were actually quite clear.

A few years ago my sister gave me this leather bound journal for my birthday. I only wrote one thing in it, on the first page, that a passing acquaintance shared with me. It was a quote by some author about looking at yourself in the mirror and liking who you see. It was meant to be motivational. I don't think I ever opened the journal again after writing it. A while after we ended up moving and I don't recall where I put the journal. About half a year ago I found it again in my sister's room sitting on her nightstand. It really broke my heart to see it there, that she found it and kept it close by. It still breaks my heart every time I think about it sitting there, to know that she cares about me more than I've ever cared about myself. I feel like a bad person. I always feel like a bad person, even when people point out when I do something good that most other people wouldn't do. I don't know how to let go of this, and I'm not sure if I'll ever care enough about myself to try.

[eerr]

What is important, Haschel?

[LordBucket]

I hate myself

"All things are permissible. Some are not recommended."

If you want to hate yourself, that's ok. You don't need anyone's permission. But it might be more comfortable to instead accept yourself.

I've sacrificed a lot in my life for no
real purpose other than to punish myself.

If you wish to punish yourself, you may do so. You again require no permission.

I found it again in my sister's room sitting on her nightstand. It really broke my heart to see it there, that she found it and kept it close by. It still breaks my heart every time I think about it sitting there, to know that she cares about me more than I've ever cared about myself.

Your sister would not want you to be punished. She cares about you. She would not want you to suffer. However, just as no one but your can give you permission to punish yourself, in a way, no one but yourself can give you forgiveness. Oh certainly...I can forgive you. Your sister can forgive you. But this is meaningless unless you forgive yourself.

I do not know your crime. I cannot decide for you whether your situation is justified. Only you can decide. Only you can choose whether you will accept forgiveness. It is within your power to forgive yourself. It is within your power to reject forgiveness, and to hate and punish yourself instead.

Choose well.

[knutor]

I hate myself

Two things come to mind. 

First, I'd think I cared enough about myself if I cared enough to love or hate anything, including myself.  Opinions take feelings.  Feelings take communication.  Call Crisis Intervention, if for nothing else, to talk down those destructive thoughts.  The sound or presence of another non judgmental, non opinionated person, just someone sleeping and snoring can be enough to help stop another person from harming themselves.  There is real comfort in companionship.  We are pack animals.

Second, never EVER hesitate to look beyond that mirror, really inspect yourself, look like Sherlock Holmes, way down deep, into the darkened areas and uncover what really makes yourself tick.  No matter how hard, its always better to know.  Truely know.  Not confusion.  FEAR is false education appearing real.  Don't fear.  Only from knowing can I we make better choices, and make things better tomorrow.  There is a nice prayer to say...  Haschel, I'm sure you've heard it.  But its one of those prayers that just cannot ever be said enough times, or loud enough, or memorized enough.  Its four lines long, its called the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.


If I had enough room on my forearm, I'd tattoo it on it.  Whatever god maybe to you, whatever powers are out there in your world, it'll make a whole lot of difference in your life, if you ask for help in prayer, instead of remain silent.  Keep writing down your thoughts.  Don't fret that notebook, its wood and glue.  Don't hate the empty pages, you left unwritten, its writer's block.  Pick up the phone and call her, if you think about her, and tell her, you love and wanna get together, to share some stories.  In later years, the keys to success in life are kindness.  And that's not anything a job pays, or a school teaches.  Its what is in the heart, not the head, that matters.  My counselor has a big sign on his door, its a good sign.

TAKE NOTHING PERSONAL.

Find humor, where humor shows up.  I jocked a car for a friend, to and from a garage yesterday.  They both looked at me ROFLCOPTERING in the parking lot, and asked me what was so damn funny.  I pointed at the mechanic's neighbor.  It was a fenced in field and said, "You have an ASS for a neighbor."  There was a donkey snorting in the field.  I laughed and laughed.  They looked at me like I was some kind of idiot.  I didn't care, it was the funniest thing I saw all year.  He really had an ASS as a neighbor.

Sincerely, Knutor

[Thief^]

I used to feel much like you, but got out of it. The people around me showed me that I am worth something, to them, even when I didn't feel like I was worth anything myself. Go talk to your sister, and say what's on your mind. Get to know her, and you might find why she values you, and end up valuing yourself.

I believe in you, Haschel.