Sixty First turn!
England; the Dark Ages; Thursday, nearly time for coffee; Keep of the Chateau de L’Homard, Site of the Holy Grail of Christ."You have all done well, my compatriots!” announces
Sir Feyman,
“But alas, with the loss of Sir Ethelethelethelethelehed, I am now the most chivalrous among us! Crannock, compose a song to celebrate my most glorious victory!"… … … … … …
Oh we oh we oh – the knights they, the knights they, the knights they, are knights!!
Noble and important knights!
Original chief minstrel singing in yon castle keep;
I shall sing until ye weep!
And I sing thus:
“Hold on a minute Crannock,” interrupts Feyman,
“I wasn’t quite finished. Here, fellow questers! Don't all ye knights believe it is proper for I
to carry and deliver the grail? For the Glory of England and the Grace of God? Yes? Good. Right. Now, carry on, Crannock."
… … … … … …
He wants his hands on the Grail!
Come on move aside please,
Hands on the Grail!
He wants his hands on the Grail!
Come on move aside now,
Hands on the Grail!… … … … … …
With a worried look,
Sir Feyman carefully but determinedly grabs the Holy Grail from its Holy Altar, his eyes widened with awe and disbelief.
He cradles it gently in his arms! He begins to stroke it with reverence and respect! A Holy Aura of light and warmth appears to fill the room! The sound of angels seems to waft across the castle keep!
… … … … … …
Suddenly, the magical and most Holy Scene is shattered.
“Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha! Mine! ‘Tis all mine! My Holiesssst!!”Sir Uriel Ultim looses a roaring laughter, fell and terrible!
Sir Uriel Ultim is taken by a fell mood!
He charges manically towards
Sir Feyman! He is wielding a masterwork backpack! He swings at Feyman. Feyman ducks! Feyman gently places the Grail back upon the Altar, wincing in spiritual pain as the light and warmth seem to recede, and the pleasant sound of angelic harmonies is replaced by the sound of Crannock singing once again.
… … … … … ...
He’s got to put the Grail down,
Feelings are high, usurpers all around;
You say your name is Uriel:
Well Feyman’s going to send you to Hell!
Crazy on the left, legless on the right,
Feyman will fight you all through the night;
Do the right thing, dingalingaling,
I’m sure you’d like to hear me sing!… … … … … …
Sir Feyman draws his Headless Flower Troll Corpse.
Sir Uriel lifts his backpack over his head! He swipes down with a massive and brutal blow that Feyman barely manages to parry. Sir Uriel seems possessed by a vicious and demonic strength! He cackles hideously to himself!
“Ahahahahah! Mine! Mine!!”Uriel the Mad hammers down blow upon blow upon blow with his masterwork ferret-leather backpack upon the increasingly helpless
Sir Feyman the Valiant, his troll corpse being battered closer and closer towards his face as he seeks to shield himself from the assault of his Grail-maddened erstwhile companion. Feyman is upon his knees! He is leaning dramatically backwards! Sir Uriel is cackling horrifically to himself!
“Ahahahahhahah! My Grailcious!”… … … … … …
The knights they, the knights they, the knights they, are knights!!
They like to fight now!
The knights they, the knights they, the knights they, aha!… … … … … …
All of a sudden,
Feyman is knocked back to the floor. He appears defenceless!
Uriel raises his masterwork ferret-leather backpack which menaces with spikes of madness two-handed above his head. Feyman raises his one good arm across his face in a universal gesture of plaintive terror! His pants feel warm! His armour feels damp! His breeches feel stained!
Uriel’s two hands wielding his masterwork ferret-leather backpack which menaces with spikes of madness and bands of death crash down upon Sir Feyman! Feyman manages to roll out of the way at the last second! He sticks out a foot! He trips Sir Uriel!
Sir Uriel staggers madly forth. He tumbles out of yon nearby open window!
“Ahahahahahahahahahahaaarrrgghhhhh!!”Title Acquired: Fell Sir Uriel the Mad Rope-Tosser Ultim, Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception and Sanity, Wielder of the Menacing Backpack!Wound Acquired: Fell Sir Uriel: Smashed to pieces ‘pon the ground! Fell to his death! A tragic Pun!
Title Acquired: Fell Sir Uriel the Deceased Mad Rope-Tosser Ultim, Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception and Sanity, Wielder of the Menacing Backpack!… … … … … …
Relieved – in more ways than one –
Sir Feyman rises back to his feet. He reaches out once more towards the Grail. He hears a stumpy bleeding voice behind him!
"Naiy!" cries
Sir Beadocáf, his voice breaking into a higher pitch.
"I
am the most holiest among us! It is to be my
honour to carry the Grail and deliver it unto our King! DEUS VULT! Chaarrrrgee!"Sir Feyman turns to see the heavily injured Beadocáf charge towards him on his two bleeding stumps!
“Et tu, Beadocáf? Ha! You
carry the Grail?! But you have no legs and only one hand! You are so smeared about with feces I can’t imagine you could even see yon Grail! Have at you, you heathen! Taste my Headless Flower Troll Corpse as it connects viciously with yon filthy feces covered features! Avast!”Sir Beadocáf wobbles towards Sir Feyman, left hand raised and holding his semi-Holy knobbed mace. He is possessed of a fearsome look of anger!
“Chaarrrggee!” he repeats,
“The Grail should be for me alone! Too much is at stake to let an uneducated idiot such as you carry such a relic! Charrrggggge!”Sir Beadocáf continues to charge wobblingly towards Sir Feyman, leaving a soaking trail of blood behind him. The giant lobster corpse glistens in the sinking sunlight.
… … … … … …
You have to fight for the Grail!
Violent single combat, oh yes,
Fight for the Grail!
You have to fight for the Grail!
The pinnacle of Knighthood,
Fight for the Grail!… … … … … …
“Ave yon Holy Grail! Morituri te salutant!” Beadocáf cries, as he slowly gets nearer,
“Aut yon Grail, aut nihilis!”“Well ‘ave some bloody nihilis then, shortarse!” exclaims
Feyman as Beadocáf suddenly stumbles into range,
“Ave this you Latin bastard!”Sir Feyman forcefully smacks Sir Beadocáf with his troll corpse! Sir Beadocáf flies forth out of a nearby open window! He flies for some considerable distance!
Title Acquired: Sir Beadocáf Aethlearne of the Order of the Latinate Sandy Crotch, Sneaky and Merciless Drowner of Old Men and Notoriously Rotund Feller of the Tallest Tree on the Holy Hillock of Fate!“Ave atque valeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh!!!”Title Acquired: Sir Beadocáf Aethlearne of the Order of the Latinate Sandy Crotch, Deceased Sneaky and Merciless Drowner of Old Men and Notoriously Rotund Feller of the Tallest Tree on the Holy Hillock of Fate!… … … … … …
He saw a knight named Beadocaf:
He had been chopped most right in half;
He gave him a mighty slap,
Splattered him across all corners of the map;
Ding dong, a ring dong,
Sir Feyman he can do no wrong!
Do the right thing, fight for your honour,
Because Feyman’s going to make you a goner!… … … … … …
Alone at the top of the keep of Castle L’Homard,
Feyman takes a deep breath. He removes his helmet, and makes the sign of the cross upon his chest out of respect for his fallen companions.
“Redde Feymani quae sunt Feymani, as you might say eh, my dear Beadocáf…”He kneels before the Altar of the Holy Grail. A warm and luxurious light appears to fill the room, spreading through the numerous nearby open windows. A harmony of angels seems to drown out all other noise, until all Sir Feyman can hear is their beautiful voices and the sound of the blood beating in his ears. ‘Tis a blessed relief from the hideous music of yon minstrel Crannock.
Sir Feyman grasps the Holy Grail! He raises it reverently above his head! The Holy Beams of Light surround him!
Title Acquired: Saint Sir Feyman, Discoverer of the Holy Grail of Christ, Glorious Judging Saviour of Sir Beadocáf and Slayer of the Black Knight, Soiler of Underwear, Fiendish Smasher of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Destroyer of the Vicious Lobster of Chateau L’Homard!Chivalry Increased: Saint Sir Feyman is the sole surviving discoverer of the Holy Grail of Christ!
… … … … … …
Now he has found the Holy Grail,
He’s the bestest knight of all time;
Found the Holy Grail!
Now he has found the Holy Grail,
Name remembered forever;
Found the H-oh my God what have I done? What is this terrible song? I have besmirched my craft! Arrrrrgggggrrrghhhhhhhrhhhrhrhhrhr!With a sudden cry of terror, Crannock abruptly ceases his singing and flees towards a nearby open window! He hurls himself to his death! The Grail has claimed its final victim!
… … … … … …
Name: Saint Sir Feyman, Discoverer of the Holy Grail of Christ, Glorious Judging Saviour of Sir Beadocáf and Slayer of the Black Knight, Soiler of Underwear, Fiendish Smasher of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Destroyer of the Vicious Lobster of Chateau L’Homard.
Bio: Sir Feyman gladly accepts his role in any quests, but is always suspicious of the motives of his fellow questers. He likes to play music, but doesn't have the opportunity very often. He fights with swords, but doesn't get too attached to his equipment.
Lost Members: Naughty Melga the Possible Witch.
Deceased Retinue Members: Maine the shy Minstrel. He usually followed Feyman around, blindly agreeing with him, even though he taught Feyman many things, including how to play music; Eric the Lutist, who bravely followed Sir Feyman for over an hour, only to be sliced in twain by the Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh. Crannock the Minstrel. Hurled himself to death in shame at his terrible final composition.
Weaponry: Headless Flower Troll Corpse.Inventory:Chivalry: 7.
Duels Won: 1/2.
Arms: 1/2.
Wounds Acquired: Re-smashed nose; Re-smashed Face! (Ye face is covered in blood! And dirt! -2 to seeing until it is cleaned off!).
Minstrels: 0/3.
Name: Sir Beadocáf Aethlearne of the Order of the Latinate Sandy Crotch, Deceased Sneaky and Merciless Drowner of Old Men and Notoriously Rotund Feller of the Tallest Tree on the Holy Hillock of Fate.
Bio: A large man, both tall and wide, with long reddish hair and beard. As the shape of his body might give away, Beadocáf enjoys a good meal. And a good drink. And anything feast-related, really. Despite this affection, Beadocáf is also a rather pious man, spending a lot of his money on building churches on his land, and prefers to spare his fighting skills for when God calls upon them. His colours are red and gold, and his crest is an eagle carrying a cross. His weapon of choice is a long-shafted, knobbed mace, inscribed with the words Nutu Dei. Sometimes also called the Boar, or possible the Bore, Beadocáf is never quite sure which one people mean by it.
Lost Retinue Members: Godewine of Norwhyiche, an old friend and monk scholar who was witnessing his quest for chronicling purposes but fell to the temptations of spanking. Hagley the Squire, who joined Beadocáf to learn how to become a knight, but was instead flattened by the very man he sought to emulate.
Wounds Right hand bitten off by a rabbit; Ordure in the eyes (-1 to seeing until it is cleaned!); Disgusting odour (-1 to enemy to hit rolls until cleaned!); Smashed face (Blood in the eyes: further -1 penalty to rolls involving seeing) Smashed Legs (-2 penalty to rolls involving legs); Legs flailed off (further -5 penalty to rolls involving legs).
Retinue Members: None.
Chivalry: 2.
Inventory: Smashed chair.
Name:
Fell Sir Uriel the Deceased Mad Rope-Tosser Ultim, The Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception and Sanity, Wielder of the Menacing Backpack and Looser of the Punultimate Weapon.
Bio:
A knight to be reckoned with. He has an imaginary trusty steed which isn't as trusted as it should be,
a shiny armor which often gets soiled in combat,
a great shield wich is dent bent and sligtly curled,
a sparkling blade which is often ridiculed for its sparkles.
Oh Did I mention Sir Uriel Was entirely lacking in depth perception?
Retinue Member:
Goofus Ridiculus, a Jester whom was originally hired to keep Uriel The Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception in good mood with witty jokes and humor.
Too bad he only know horribly bad puns, and he just can't get rid of this guy no matter what he have tried.
Wound Acquired: Smashed kidney; Smashed face; Badly bruised body.
State Acquired: Gone mad.
Inventory: Empty!
Chivalry: 1.
Author
Topic: Roll to Seek the Grail! (Read 50720 times)