Sixtieth turn!
England; the Dark Ages; Thursday, well past dessert time; Keep of the Chateau de L’Homard.“Chaaarrrgge!” shouts
Sir Ethlehed, recklessly, as he wildly swings his weapon, sprinting dramatically towards the sixty foot long lobster before him.
"For the King and the Grail!”He hops nobly forwards, and wildly swings his strange weapon at the enormous beast – but alas! He has no liver! He fumbles and his weapon flies with great speed out of his injured hand!
Item Lost: Sir Ethlehed: Weapon contraption stuck in the ceiling!
With vicious speed and an orangey-pink blur, the giant lobster’s left claw rises and falls: it descends upon Sir Ethlehed’s remaining leg. The leg is snapped right off! The stump doth bleed heavily!
Wound Acquired: Sir Ethlehed: Right leg snapped right off!
Undismayed by this unfortunate turn of events, Ethlehed draws his pierced thigh – the thigh which so recently sent Sir Beadocáf flying to his doom – and bellows a fierce cry of defiance!
“Grragjhhhhgrh!!” … … … … … …
Doom? Not at all! For at this very minute the once-believed-stricken
Beadocáf can – if one looks very closely indeed – be seen sneaking back into the castle keep, and making his way gingerly through the Grail Room door. He sees a terrible scene before him!
“Grragjhhhhgrh!!” cries
Ethlehed, in knightly rage,
“Grraglbargleragggggrjhhhhgrh!!”He seems to be kneeling in a sea of blood!
“Have this, you big lobstery bastard!” he cries, wielding his pierced thigh and swinging it horrifically towards the lobster’s face. He impales the lobster’s eyes on his severed limb! The lobster reels in severe pain, and swipes blindly with his right hand claw. Ethlehed’s left arm is ripped clean off! He is in quite bad shape!
Wound Acquired: Sir Ethlehed: Left arm ripped clean off!
As the terrifying lobster raises its evil jaws above the stricken Sir Ethlehed, it seems that the brave and God-fearing knight has met his blood-curdling doom!
Chivalry Increased: Sir Ethlehed: Noble sacrifice!
… … … … … …
“Ahahahahahahahhahahahahha! The Grail! I have it!” screams
Sir Uriel, as he bounces painfully down the winding stairs of the stone keep, grasping Sir Ethlehed’s liver firmly in both hands.
“Oh blast! I seem to have dropped the blighter!” he realises, as he approaches the bottom of the stairs.
Sir Uriel comes to a bumpy halt.
“Hmm. I say. I wonder what that squelchy feeling was? Noooo! I’ve lost the Grail! I’ve sat on the Holy Grail of Christ Himself! I must find another! Nooooooo!!”Item Lost: Sir Uriel: Possibly Holy Liver!
… … … … … …
“Noooooooooooooo!” cries
Sir Feyman, in a hair-raising and patriotic bellow,
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!” he continues, as he sprints heroically to
Sir Ethlehed’s aid, drawing his Headless Flower Troll Corpse as he does so,
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Arg, the blood!!!! Blast.”Feyman slips on the lake of blood covering the floor! The lobster diverts his attention towards this dangerous and radiantly brave newcomer: he raises his abominable mandibles above the music-loving knight. His jaw descends and crashes shut!
But Feyman has rolled away just in time, and spots a weak point in the lobster’s armour! He hefts the troll corpse upwards with the last of his one arm’s strength, and thrusts it right into the foul lobster’s unprotected throat.
There is massive damage!
The lobster’s throat it pierced! Its tongue is severed! Its windpipe is crushed! The troll corpse penetrates the brain! It enters a crazy death throe!
… … … … … …
“Ahahahha! Good, good…” mumbles
Beadocáf to himself, as he beholds the frightful scene at the top of the castle keep unfold,
“Knights and lobster all are occupied in mortal struggle… I shall take my chance and swipe yon Holy Grail, and my name shall be revered by all Englishmen throughout time! King Arthur shall grant me the most attractive damsel of the land as my wife! My lands will be expanded fivefold!"He tries to sneak past the dueling combatants, when suddenly the lobster utters a terrifying howl! A howl of death!
In a flash, the lobster seems to thrash about, spasm-ing the last of its life away. Its spiked tail flails towards the shadow in which Beadocáf is sneaking, although Beadocáf sees it not, such is the quantity of ordure and blood upon the surface of his eyes. He feels it though! He feels the searing pain! He tastes the burning terror! He hears the dripping blood! He smells the warm wetness of failure!
Wound Acquired: Sir Beadocáf: Legs flailed off! (further -5 penalty to rolls involving legs)
Chivalry Decreased: Sir Beadocáf: Attempted sneakiness!
Title Acquired: Sir Beadocáf Aethlearne of the Sandy Crotch, Sneaky and Merciless Drowner of Old Men and Notoriously Rotund Feller of the Tallest Tree on the Holy Hillock of Fate!… … … … … …
As
Sir Feyman steps back to admire his handiwork, and to step out of the reach of the blindly and furiously swinging giant lobster claws, he suddenly bumps into
Sir Uriel, who has sneaked back up the stairs, past the scene of tremendous carnage, and to the Holy Grail Altar.
Sir Uriel is knocked off his stride!
He totters towards yon nearby open window!
But forsooth! He manages to recover his balance, and stumbles back towards the Altar, and leans forward… The Holy Grail doth appear to be within his grasp!
… … … … … …
Suddenly, the lobster’s death throes cease, and the awful beast crashes to the ground, slain by the wondrous Sir Feyman. But it has the last laugh!
Sir Ethlehed is nowhere to be seen!
Wound Acquired: Sir Ethlehed: Crushed to smithereens by a giant lobster corpse!
Chivalry Increased: Sir Ethlehed: The Ultimate Sacrifice!
Title Acquired: Ultimately Noble Sir Ethlehed the Deceased Yet Curious Flower Troll Slayer, Knower of Names, Taker of the Bridge of Doom, and Rescuer of Sir Feyman!Title Acquired: Sir Feyman the Glorious Judging Saviour of Sir Beadocáf and Slayer of the Black Knight, Soiler of Underwear, Fiendish Smasher of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Destroyer of the Vicious Lobster of the Grail!The Grail is all but liberated!
… … … … … …
Name: Sir Feyman the Glorious Judging Saviour of Sir Beadocáf and Slayer of the Black Knight, Soiler of Underwear, Fiendish Smasher of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog and Destroyer of the Vicious Lobster of the Grail.
Bio: Sir Feyman gladly accepts his role in any quests, but is always suspicious of the motives of his fellow questers. He likes to play music, but doesn't have the opportunity very often. He fights with swords, but doesn't get too attached to his equipment.
Retinue Members: Crannock the Minstrel.
Lost Members: Naughty Melga the Possible Witch.
Deceased Retinue Members: Maine the shy Minstrel. He usually followed Feyman around, blindly agreeing with him, even though he taught Feyman many things, including how to play music; Eric the Lutist, who bravely followed Sir Feyman for over an hour, only to be sliced in twain by the Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh
Weaponry: Headless Flower Troll Corpse.Inventory: One (1) French prisoner.
Chivalry: 5.
Duels Won: 1/2.
Arms: 1/2.
Wounds Acquired: Re-smashed nose; Re-smashed Face! (Ye face is covered in blood! And dirt! -2 to seeing until it is cleaned off!).
Minstrels: 1/3.
Name: Sir Beadocáf Aethlearne of the Sandy Crotch, Sneaky and Merciless Drowner of Old Men and Notoriously Rotund Feller of the Tallest Tree on the Holy Hillock of Fate.
Bio: A large man, both tall and wide, with long reddish hair and beard. As the shape of his body might give away, Beadocáf enjoys a good meal. And a good drink. And anything feast-related, really. Despite this affection, Beadocáf is also a rather pious man, spending a lot of his money on building churches on his land, and prefers to spare his fighting skills for when God calls upon them. His colours are red and gold, and his crest is an eagle carrying a cross. His weapon of choice is a long-shafted, knobbed mace, inscribed with the words Nutu Dei. Sometimes also called the Boar, or possible the Bore, Beadocáf is never quite sure which one people mean by it.
Lost Retinue Members: Godewine of Norwhyiche, an old friend and monk scholar who was witnessing his quest for chronicling purposes but fell to the temptations of spanking. Hagley the Squire, who joined Beadocáf to learn how to become a knight, but was instead flattened by the very man he sought to emulate.
Wounds Right hand bitten off by a rabbit; Ordure in the eyes (-1 to seeing until it is cleaned!); Disgusting odour (-1 to enemy to hit rolls until cleaned!); Smashed face (Blood in the eyes: further -1 penalty to rolls involving seeing) Smashed Legs (-2 penalty to rolls involving legs); Legs flailed off (further -5 penalty to rolls involving legs).
Retinue Members: None.
Chivalry: 2.
Inventory: Smashed chair.
Name: Ultimately Noble Sir Ethlehed the Deceased Yet Curious Flower Troll Slayer, Knower of Names, Taker of the Bridge of Doom, and Rescuer of Sir Feyman.
Bio: It is said that curiosity killed the cat. Sir Ethlehed would remark that he is no cat and therefore perfectly safe. In fact, through absolutely dumb luck he has managed to survive everything his insatiable curiosity has brought him into, often at the cost of comically maimed retinue members. He is interested in absolutely everything and will frequently conduct experiments to satiate his curiosity. Again often at the expense of retinue. He wielded a vaguely weapon-like contraption that has so far managed to elude a good description and could go horribly wrong at any moment. He also wields a sword, but it is rusty and blunt from years of neglect.
He is the kind of guy who compulsively pulls a lever to see what happens. He is also inexplicably lucky.
Lost Retinue Member: John the Snarker. A former fool who lost all of his humour while in Ethlehed's service. Crushed to death during Sir Ethlehed’s rescue from the Beast of Caerbannog.
Chivalry: 5.
Wounds Acquired: Re-re-smashed nose; Left leg pulled off; Pierced (left) thigh; Re-smashed face!; Injured hand; No liver; Right leg snapped right off; Left arm ripped clean off; Crushed to smithereens by a giant lobster corpse.
Inventory: Left leg.
Name:
Mad Sir Uriel Rope-Tosser Ultim, The Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception
Bio:
A knight to be reckoned with. He has an imaginary trusty steed which isn't as trusted as it should be,
a shiny armor which often gets soiled in combat,
a great shield wich is dent bent and sligtly curled,
a sparkling blade which is often ridiculed for its sparkles.
Oh Did I mention Sir Uriel Was entirely lacking in depth perception?
Retinue Member:
Goofus Ridiculus, a Jester whom was originally hired to keep Uriel The Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception in good mood with witty jokes and humor.
Too bad he only know horribly bad puns, and he just can't get rid of this guy no matter what he have tried.
Wound Acquired: Smashed kidney; Smashed face; Badly bruised body.
State Acquired: Gone mad.
Inventory: Empty!
Chivalry: 1.
Author
Topic: Roll to Seek the Grail! (Read 50246 times)