Fifty seventh turn!
England; the Dark Ages; Thursday, about dessert time; Chateau de L’Homard.“Yon Crannock?! Are ye there?”
“Yes, milord?”
“Then play us a blasted song, Crannock! ‘Tis what I pay ye for, after all!”… … … … … …
The brave knights quested two by two hurrah, hurrah!
The brave knights quested two by two hurrah, hurrah!
The brave knights quested two by two,
And fiendish monsters they did slew,
And they fearlessly did quest,
For to find the Grail.… … … … … …
Despite his brief request for a musical interlude, the enraged
Feyman can barely restrain himself.
"My precious groin! How dare ye resort to such cheap tricks, Frenchman? I should cut you in twain for this!” he bellows, before recalling his noble status. Feyman kicks the French-type in the head! It is kicked in twain! The Frenchman beside him surrenders in sniveling fear!
Item Acquired: Feyman: French prisoner!
Alas, there is another French-type who is less impressed by the flying half-brain that narrowly misses him, and instead decides to angrily draw his battleaxe. He charges at Sir Feyman! But his axe is large! His axe is slow! Sir Feyman dodges the blow, and elbows him in the face! He is strewn upon the muddy ground!
… … … … … …
They lost their limbs oh limb by limb hurrah, hurrah!
They lost their limbs oh limb by limb hurrah, hurrah!
They lost their limbs oh limb by limb,
And never met an enchanter called Tim,
But they bravely quested on,
For to find the Grail.… … … … … …
Behind this most vicious combat
Sir Ethlehed is valiantly gripping a rope. He is in a well!
“Heave, Sir Uriel! Heave!”
“I’m trying to heave, my dear companion, but these confounded Frenchmen keep interfering! Here!” cries
Uriel, waving his sparkling sword at an approaching Frank whilst holding Ethlehed and the rope in his left hand,
“Take this, you dastardly cross-channel type!”Uriel swings his shiny blade at the Frenchman’s face! It is split into many parts! His neck is gouged! His brain is minced! He is struck down!
“Righty-ho,” continues Sir Uriel,
“I’ve got a minute now! Hold on, my dear Sir!”… … … … … …
The knights they fell in various ways hurrah, hurrah!
The knights they fell in various ways hurrah, hurrah!
Every way was a noble way,
And eventually their foes they did slay,
Just so they all could quest on,
For to find the Grail.… … … … … …
Sir Uriel heaves!
Sir Ethlehed holds!
Sir Ethlehed flies out of the well at considerable speed!
He is propulsed across the castle courtyard as if by the Hand of God!
He flies helmet first through a crowd of French men-at-arms! One’s head is pierced! Another’s intestines are burst! A third’s heart is severed! Another’s lungs are bruised! They are all struck down!
Sir Ethlehed hits the castle keep door! It is crushed in twain! Sir Ethlehed is rendered unconscious!
Wound Acquired: Sir Ethlehed: Quite Unconscious!
… … … … … …
Sir Meynard’s head was bit clean off, hurrah, hurrah!
Sir Meynard’s head was bit clean off, hurrah, hurrah!
Sir Meynard’s head was bit clean off,
The Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh did barely cough,
When he swallowed Meynard’s head,
While he quested for the Grail.… … … … … …
A vengeful looking French-type rushes towards
Ethlehed’s unprotected body, waving his Gallic mace and attempting to strike a cowardly blow. He misses! He hits the castle keep wall! It beginneth to crumble!
… … … … … …
Conchobar’s throat was ripped apart, hurrah, hurrah!
Conchobar’s throat was ripped apart, hurrah, hurrah!
Conchobar’s throat was ripped apart,
Before Feyman desecrated his heart,
But he valiantly fell for the King,
While he quested for the Grail.… … … … … …
“Oh, dear buggery, Huns and Hornication!” cries out
Beadocáf, as he wildly throws the Holy Crossbow of Beersheba at the advancing French to slow them down. He throws it straight at the cobbled ground! It smashes into smithereens!
Item Lost: Holy Crossbow of Beersheba, Renowned Slayer of the Green Dragon!
“Oh. Blast. Oh well,” Beadocáf mumbles despondently to himself, absentmindedly spitting on his leg and re-attaching it to his body. He sprints rotundly off in the direction of an advancing Frenchman. The Frenchman flees before the repulsive smell! He passes out from the pain! His windpipe is crushed! His lungs are smashed! He is struck down!
Wound Healed: Left leg re-attached!
… … … … … …
Sir Feyman he was saved from a fall, hurrah, hurrah!
Sir Feyman he was saved from a fall, hurrah, hurrah!
Sir Feyman he was saved from a fall,
By the most Glorious of them all,
Sir Keardwall and his Spleen,
Both quested for the Grail.… … … … … …
Suddenly, the few remaining men-at-arms scatter as a vast and imposing looking knight strides out of the castle keep through the shattered doorway and over
Sir Ethlehed’s unconscious form.
‘Tis the Lord of Castle L’Homard!… … … … … …
Now but four brave knights remain hurrah, hurrah!
Now but four brave knights remain hurrah, hurrah!
Now but four brave knights remain,
They stab and they pierce and they crush and they brain,
But they only slay their foes,
For to find the Grail!… … … … … …
“I say, Crannock,” shouts
Feyman, over the din of battle,
“I would have preferred something more… dirge-like, if you could bear it in mind for next time…”“Very good Sir.”
“No, but it was charming nonetheless.”
“Thank you Sir. Very kind of you Sir.”… … … … … …
Name: Sir Feyman the Glorious Judging Saviour of Sir Beadocáf and Slayer of the Black Knight, Soiler of Underwear and Fiendish Smasher of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.
Bio: Sir Feyman gladly accepts his role in any quests, but is always suspicious of the motives of his fellow questers. He likes to play music, but doesn't have the opportunity very often. He fights with swords, but doesn't get too attached to his equipment.
Retinue Members: Crannock the Minstrel.
Lost Members: Naughty Melga the Possible Witch.
Deceased Retinue Members: Maine the shy Minstrel. He usually followed Feyman around, blindly agreeing with him, even though he taught Feyman many things, including how to play music; Eric the Lutist, who bravely followed Sir Feyman for over an hour, only to be sliced in twain by the Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh
Weaponry: Headless Flower Troll Corpse.Inventory: One (1) French prisoner.
Chivalry: 5.
Duels Won: 1/2.
Arms: 1/2.
Wounds Acquired: Re-smashed nose; Re-smashed Face! (Ye face is covered in blood! And dirt! -2 to seeing until it is cleaned off!).
Minstrels: 1/3.
Name: Sir Beadocáf Aethlearne of the Sandy Crotch, Merciless Drowner of Old Men and Notoriously Rotund Feller of the Tallest Tree on the Holy Hillock of Fate.
Bio: A large man, both tall and wide, with long reddish hair and beard. As the shape of his body might give away, Beadocáf enjoys a good meal. And a good drink. And anything feast-related, really. Despite this affection, Beadocáf is also a rather pious man, spending a lot of his money on building churches on his land, and prefers to spare his fighting skills for when God calls upon them. His colours are red and gold, and his crest is an eagle carrying a cross. His weapon of choice is a long-shafted, knobbed mace, inscribed with the words Nutu Dei. Sometimes also called the Boar, or possible the Bore, Beadocáf is never quite sure which one people mean by it.
Lost Retinue Members: Godewine of Norwhyiche, an old friend and monk scholar who was witnessing his quest for chronicling purposes but fell to the temptations of spanking. Hagley the Squire, who joined Beadocáf to learn how to become a knight, but was instead flattened by the very man he sought to emulate.
Wounds Right hand bitten off by a rabbit; Ordure in the eyes (-1 to seeing until it is cleaned!); Disgusting odour (-1 to enemy to hit rolls until cleaned!).
Retinue Members: None.
Chivalry: 1.
Inventory: Empty!
Name: Sir Ethlehed the Curious Flower Troll Slayer, Knower of Names, Taker of the Bridge of Doom, and Rescuer of Sir Feyman.
Bio: It is said that curiosity killed the cat. Sir Ethlehed would remark that he is no cat and therefore perfectly safe. In fact, through absolutely dumb luck he has managed to survive everything his insatiable curiosity has brought him into, often at the cost of comically maimed retinue members. He is interested in absolutely everything and will frequently conduct experiments to satiate his curiosity. Again often at the expense of retinue. He wields a vaguely weapon-like contraption that has so far managed to elude a good description and could go horribly wrong at any moment. He also wields a sword, but it is rusty and blunt from years of neglect.
He is the kind of guy who compulsively pulls a lever to see what happens. He is also inexplicably lucky.
Lost Retinue Member: John the Snarker. A former fool who lost all of his humour while in Ethlehed's service. Crushed to death during Sir Ethlehed’s rescue from the Beast of Caerbannog.
Chivalry: 1.
Wounds Acquired: Re-re-smashed nose; Left leg pulled off; Pierced (left) thigh; Re-smashed face!; Injured hand; Quite unconscious.
Inventory: Left leg.
Name:
Sir Uriel Rope-Tosser “Temporary MacGyver” Ultim The Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception
Bio:
A knight to be reckoned with. He has an imaginary trusty steed which isn't as trusted as it should be,
a shiny armor which often gets soiled in combat,
a great shield wich is dent bent and sligtly curled,
a sparkling blade which is often ridiculed for its sparkles.
Oh Did I mention Sir Uriel Was entirely lacking in depth perception?
Retinue Member:
Goofus Ridiculus, a Jester whom was originally hired to keep Uriel The Entirely Lacking in Depth Perception in good mood with witty jokes and humor.
Too bad he only know horribly bad puns, and he just can't get rid of this guy no matter what he have tried.
Wound Acquired: Smashed kidney; Smashed face.
Chivalry: 2.
Author
Topic: Roll to Seek the Grail! (Read 50958 times)