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Author Topic: Roll to Seek the Grail!  (Read 51090 times)

Ultimuh

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 28: The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight!
« Reply #225 on: November 04, 2011, 04:16:28 pm »

I wonder why no one have chosen a banana bomb yet?  :P
Sure it's not from Monty Python, but it SHOULD work, or not.. depending on the GM's mood.  :P
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scriver

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 28: The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight!
« Reply #226 on: November 04, 2011, 06:29:53 pm »

Watching as the other knights chose their weapon, Beadocáf steps up the the Three-Headed Knight. "Now, if ye who will not be fighting the first duel wouldst be so kind and remove your helmets (if you indeed are wearing any) and bow, so that I, as Nonpartisan Referee and Arbiter, may deliver a Brutal Smack of Fairness unto your non-combatant heads with mine mace, we shall begin the first duel. Deo gratias, Dominus vobiscum, et hoc genus omne."

Bring down the mace upon their unguarded heads. Don't hold back.
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freeformschooler

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 28: The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight!
« Reply #227 on: November 05, 2011, 09:49:20 am »

Spoiler: THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT (click to show/hide)
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lawastooshort

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Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 29: The Dreaded Two-Headed Knight!
« Reply #228 on: November 07, 2011, 08:35:25 am »

Twenty ninth turn!
England; the Dark Ages; the Wood of Doom; lunchtime.

Once the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom laid down their fearsome challenge, the fearless Sir Feyman stepped forward! He ground his teeth inwardly at Beatacalf’s scheming cowardice, but outwardly grinned at the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom’s conceit: Feyman would take him down!

"I shall challenge the centre head! And for my fruit, my weapon of choice, I shall choose the very most deadly fruit of all..."

He then reached into the fruit basket, and plucked out the spiniest, scariest fruitweapon he could find:

"A pineapple!"

The centre head of the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom shrank back in slight terror!

…   …   …   …   …   …

Beside the fearless Feyman, Sir Keardwall looks puzzled, indeed almost offended as he watches the proceedings, patting one palm on the trusty sword sheathed at his side, and staring in disbelief as Sir Feyman approaches the challenger(s).

"...Fruit? We shall fight with fruit?! Why, this is madness! Whosoever heard of something so ridiculous as a Knightly Trial by fruit?" Keardwall begins, his keen knightly sensibilities outraged, "Are ye too much of a coward to face us blade-to-blade, knowing that ye would end such a contest with thy head count decreased by not one, nor two, but three?"

As Sir Keardwall smirks forward on one leg, he offers some pertinent advice to Sir Feyman on his approaching fruitduel, seeing as he is an expert in all forms of martial combat, including* cleaving foes with his sword, punching foreigners into walls, inadvertently slaying with his internal organs, and of course toppling armies with pieces of fruit.

*(but not limited to)

"Ah yes, the pineapple! Good choice, Sir Feyman! Now, wielding such a grand fruit, I suggest thou dost attempt to hold it by the green scraggly bit," and with this Keardwall gestures to the leaves of the pineapple, "Then swing, and bash yon fiend over the centre head with it. Should be rather simple really, eh what?"

Keardwall pivots on his remaining leg and hobbles back towards his other companions, stumbling to a stop by Sir Beadocáf to thoughtfully ask in a lowered and almost reverent voice as he fishes about in his jar of leg,

"Tell me my learned companion; doth a gherkin count as a fruit or as a vegetable?"

…   …   …   …   …   …   

Whilst Beadocáf and Keardwall ponder the question of the gherkin, Sir Conchobar strides purposefully to the fruit basket and strokes his chin.

He triumphantly holds above his head his choice.

"HAIL DURIAN! THE KING OF FRUIT!!!"

Ever the professional, Conchobar briefly kneels in prayer before wandering off for some practice with his new weapon.

…   …   …   …   …   …

As a small vole flies past them and lands with a violent thud a few feet away, Sir Feyman and the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight approach each other. Beadocáf steps up.

"Now, if ye who will not be fighting the first duel wouldst be so kind and remove your helmets and bow, so that I, as Nonpartisan Referee and Arbiter, may deliver a Brutal Smack of Fairness unto your non-combatant heads with mine mace, we shall begin the first duel. Deo gratias, Dominus vobiscum, et hoc genus omne."

A distance away in the undergrowth there is a loud smash and the screech of a smitten squirrel.

The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight kneels, and the left and the right hands remove the helmets from the left and the right heads in preparation for the forthcoming combat. Beadocáf unsheathes his mace.

Upon the left head Beadocáf doth unleash a Brutal Smack [4]: the left head is knocked out! He proceeds to the other side of the combatant, and delivers a Blow of Fairness unto the right head [4]. The right head is also rendered unconscious! With parity installed and one man with one head ready to fight one man with one head, the Knightly Trial by fruit can commence!

Somewhere in a bush nearby a pigeon shrieks its last shriek as Conchobar’s preparatory rampage continues.

…   …   …   …   …   …

England; the Dark Ages; the Wood of Doom; five past the hour of lunch.

In a small and idyllic clearing amongst the fell trees of the Wood of Doom Sir Feyman the Judging, Slayer of the Black Knight, stands face to face and some fifteen feet away from the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom, its centre head flanked by two heads rendered unconscious by Sir Beadocáf’s Parity Enforcing Mace of Justice. Not far away gently tinkles the delicate water of a dainty stream, and on the side of the clearing which receives the afternoon sunlight a small meadow is starting its springtime bloom: the leaves on the trees encircling this most Holy Duel are beginning to take on their full aspect of glorious English greenery. On a tree stump to one side of the clearing stands a tastefully arranged fruit basket.

All is reverentially silent, but for the terrified howl of a nearby mouse, and the triumphant shout of the pursuing Sir Conchobar, who is learning to wield his durian with terrible effect.

Sir Beadocáf’s manly voice booms through the reverential near-silence.

“Ready?!”

Sir Feyman nods. A third of the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom does likewise.

Feyman draws his pineapple. His foe unsheathes his prune.

Spoiler: In the Red Corner (click to show/hide)
…   …   …   …   …   …

Spoiler: Sir Feyman’s advance (click to show/hide)

As the two fighters rush towards each other, the near-silence is once again broken.

“Go on Feyman! Just kill him! Use thine self defence against fruit!” shouts one of the onlookers.

[Init Sir Feyman vs the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom: 2 vs 4]

Sir Feyman bravely rushes forth, brandishing his pineapple about his head by the green scraggly bit – but alas! Before he can strike the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight, this latter thrusts forward with his deadly prune! Yet it slips from his grasp [1]! The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight stumbles!

Seizing his chance, the intrepid Feyman brings his pineapple crashing down upon the head of the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight with righteous vigor [6]. ‘Tis quite a stunning [3+1] wound! The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight doth reel! But he is made of stern stuff, and is not yet ready to yield. He bends down to pick up his prune: and Feyman the Paragon of Chivalry allows him with knightly grace!

[Init Sir Feyman vs the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom: 5 vs 3 (utilising Chivalry based initiative reroll!)]

The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight lumbers forward for a second pass, but nimble Sir Feyman is quicker: he crushes the pineapple upon his foe’s head. The pineapple is ripped apart! Feyman is at the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight’s terrible mercy [1]!

With the menacing prune held close to his face, the unarmed Feyman yields to the multiheaded monstrosity before him, and dejectedly walks back to the watching knights. He avoids their gaze and inspects his shoes.

Chivalry Decreased! -1

…   …   …   …   …   …

Adhering to the agreed upon rules of the duel, Sir Beadocáf sadly splashes water on the left head to revive him, before proceeding to the knocking out of the centre head, which he does, just after the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight issues his fiery challenge.

“So! I have defeated the first: it is 1-0 to us! Bring forth yon next challenger, and I shall defeat him too!”

Just then Sir Conchobar appears from out of the nearby undergrowth in pursuit of a fox and hears the challenge. He stops his pursuit to discuss with Keardwall the order in which they should fight: the decision goes Sir Conchobar’s way! He steps up, and holds his durian firmly in front of him, although not so firmly as to pierce his own hands with the mighty thorns. Before Conchobar stands once again the Dreaded and Thus-Far Victorious Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom.

[Init Sir Conchobar vs the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom: 1 vs 4]

The brave Three-Headed Knight is not afraid of the durian, and rushes forth to engage with Sir Conchobar, successfully avoiding any sight of his hideous face! He strikes at Conchobar with the prune, aiming a deadly blow at the Knight of the Round Table’s eyes [4], but Conchobar ducks aside, flatfooting the Three-Headed foe and enabling a ferocious blow to the face of the left head [6]. It is split asunder [6+1]! The Dreaded Three-Headed Knight is knocked to the ground! The impact awakens the right and central heads! They are furious with unrighteous anger!

Title Acquired: Sir Conchobar the Gruesome, Potless Insulter of Mothers and Piercer of the Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh, Splitter of the Left Head of the Dreaded Three-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom!

With both heads awake and their vanquisher kneeling in prayer, the knavish Two-Headed Knight storms towards Sir Conchobar, hoping to catch him unawares, whirling the prune in a vicious and deadly circle about his heads.

Hearing and turning, Sir Conchobar quickly raises his durian above him to protect himself from the awful prune, but the blows that rain down are so furious and powerful that it is soon swatted aside! Conchobar is still upon his praying knees as the horrible Two-Headed Knight brings his prune down in one last terrible blow when suddenly Sir Keardwall intervenes: he hurls his gherkin at the dastardly Two-Headed Knight [5].

Pickled with the finest spices in Christendom, the gherkin flies straight and true [6]. It pierces both of the Two-Headed Knight’s heads! Its skulls are battered! Its brains are sliced apart! The monstrosity is struck down! The Two-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom’s lifeless body crashes to the ground!

Sir Conchobar once again kneels in prayer.

Title Acquired: Sir Keardwall the Exteriorly Spleened, Stony Defeater of Bandits, Destroyer of the Son of the Eel of Stafford, Terror of the West, and Slayer of the Two-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom!

…   …   …   …   …   …

It is shortly after lunchtime, in England, during the Dark Ages. The Cave of Caerbannog is rumoured to lie but half a day’s march ahead, and in it the brave Knights of the Round Table hope to discover the location of the Holy Grail. Having just defeated the Terrible Two-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom, they regroup to discuss their next move.


Edit: Gosh, I've just realised how long that is. Sorry!
« Last Edit: November 07, 2011, 09:06:06 am by lawastooshort »
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Sinpwn

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 29: The Dreaded Two-Headed Knight!
« Reply #229 on: November 07, 2011, 09:43:54 am »

Sir Conchobar turned to Sir Keardwall.
"I thank ye, Sir Keardwall. Without your timely aid, that dastardly fiend would game made a fine mess of me. I believe we should head to The Cave of Caerbannog, as it is not far and may hold the secrets for finding the Grail."
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freeformschooler

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 29: The Dreaded Two-Headed Knight!
« Reply #230 on: November 07, 2011, 09:49:53 am »

Oh my God that was amazing. A++ as always.

Sir Feyman, imbued with newfound trust for Keardwall and Conchobar, pats both of them on the back. "Well done, my friends, well done! Truly, there is nothing that can make short work of us as long as we're together,"

Feyman also agrees with Conchobar as to the next path.
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scriver

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 29: The Dreaded Two-Headed Knight!
« Reply #231 on: November 07, 2011, 09:51:18 am »

"Onwards!"
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Yoink

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 29: The Dreaded Two-Headed Knight!
« Reply #232 on: November 07, 2011, 06:19:10 pm »

"Ah, 'twas nothing, my friend," Says Sir Keardwall with his Knightly modesty, going to pluck the victorious (possibly brain-splattered) gherkin from the ground and plop it back into its jar, "Truly the Lord guided mine aim, and gave strength to the throw."
So saying, he shall briefly kneel in prayer, thanking his Lord for granting him the strength and speed to slay the Two-Headed knave, and then he rises, jars tucked under one arm, and nods to the others, his stony face turned grim. "Yes, onwards! 'Tis an enormous task before us!"



And yes, good Lord that was hilarious! :D
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lawastooshort

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Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 30: The Mountain of Evil
« Reply #233 on: November 08, 2011, 03:30:22 am »

Thirtieth turn!
England; the Dark Ages; the Wood of Doom; half past lunchtime.

The four brave Knights of the Round Table kneel, united in Holy Prayer to the God who has sent them on their sacred quest. It is a prayer of thanks, and a prayer of victory: for the lifeless corpse of the knavish Two-Headed Knight of the Wood of Doom lies before them; and about them lies yet another swathe of English countryside liberated from evil and restored to the benevolent rule of King Arthur, King of the Britons. Finishing their prayer, Sir Beadocáf stands with the decisiveness of a true man of heroic action.

"Onwards!"

More thoughtfully, Sir Conchobar turns to Sir Keardwall.

"I thank ye, Sir Keardwall. Without your timely aid, that dastardly fiend would game made a fine mess of me. I believe we should head to the Cave of Caerbannog, as it is not far and may hold the secrets for finding the Grail. There are rumoured to lie within various and many terrible dangers, and though I fear the wrath of God for my pride, I fear not these terrible dangers."

"Ah, 'twas nothing, my friend," says Sir Keardwall with his knightly modesty, going to pluck the victorious and brain-splattered gherkin from the ground and plop it back into its jar. "Truly the Lord guided mine aim, and gave strength to the throw."

Feyman rises, and agrees with Conchobar, patting he and Keardwall on the back.

"Well done, my friends, well done! Truly, there is nothing that can make short work of us as long as we're together: I fear these terrible dangers no more than thee! Keardwall, are you ready to press ahead?"

"Yes, onwards!” nods the stony faced knight, with his jars tucked under his arm, “'Tis an enormous task before us!"

…   …   …   …   …   …

The knights press ahead. As they venture further into the Wood of Doom, and nearer the foothills of the Mountain of Evil, the weather closes in, and the temperature drops. A bitter chill strikes the heart of the knights and their retinues as they begin to wonder exactly what creature of terror must have given this mountain its name; it has been some time since the song of Crannock the Minstrel has been heard. It has been some time since the sunlight broke through the canopy overhead, and it has been longer still that the adventuring group have been trudging onwards and upwards. The Cave of Caerbannog is clearly not as close as the old Welsh rumours say.

Rain sets in: the knights trudge on. Their thighs begin to ache with the effort of pushing their heavy arms and armour up the ever increasing gradient; their sodden clothes begin to hang about their bodies, offering no protection against the ever increasing wind piercing them through with cold. The path seems to thin, then, barely minutes later, seems to vanish entirely. The noise of the wind becomes almost as chilling as its cold, a savage howling about the ears that pierces the heart of even the bravest knight. It is close to nightfall. Lightning cracks overhead.

Suddenly the way before them seems to level out! In the near-dark, a castle looms out of the trees. The lights within shine brightly through the various windows! There is shelter from the storm!

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Yoink

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 30: The Mountain of Evil
« Reply #234 on: November 08, 2011, 05:06:32 am »

"Aha, friends! Yon castle shall offer us a warm berth out of the storm!" Sir Keardwall squints, and points up ahead at the castle. "Whomever resides within will of course have no objections to sheltering four Knights of King Arthur, out upon a Holy Quest as we are! Come, let us make haste, we shall eat well this knight, and perhaps they know the way to this Cave of Caerbannog.

He will head up to this castle, bang upon the door/drawbridge and shout out to any gatekeepers, "Hark! Open up! We are friends, Knights of the great King Arthur out upon a quest for the Holy Grail! We seek shelter from this bleak knight, and thou are blessed with an opportunity to provide it!"
He shall stand there, straight-backed and resolute despite the rain seeping into his precious jars, awaiting a response.
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scriver

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 30: The Mountain of Evil
« Reply #235 on: November 08, 2011, 05:58:35 am »

"A fine idea, Good Sir Keardwall. Truly we need food, and drink, an rejuvenation, and mine squire need to polish mine mighty boot before it rust!"

Follow Keardwall up to the castle and greet it's inhabitants. "Pax tibi, advenus amic!"


More mangled Latin :D
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Sinpwn

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 30: The Mountain of Evil
« Reply #236 on: November 08, 2011, 06:47:49 am »

"Aye! Onwards, lads!" Sir Conchobar heads towards the castle with his companions.
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freeformschooler

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 30: The Mountain of Evil
« Reply #237 on: November 08, 2011, 07:21:14 am »

Affirm what my companions are saying and be as friendly as possible to the castle's inhabitants.
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lawastooshort

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Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 31: Castle Anthrax
« Reply #238 on: November 08, 2011, 11:14:52 am »

Thirty First turn!
England; the Dark Ages; the Mountain of Evil; nearly dinner time.

"Aha, friends! Yon castle shall offer us a warm berth out of the storm!" squints Sir Keardwall, pointing up at the castle ahead, "Whoever resides within will of course have no objections to sheltering four Knights of King Arthur, out upon a Holy Quest as we are! Come, let us make haste, we shall eat well this knight, and perhaps they know the way to this Cave of Caerbannog.”

His plan is greeted with approval.

"A fine idea, good Sir Keardwall,” declares Sir Beadocáf, “Truly we need food, and drink, and rejuvenation, and mine squire needs to polish mine mighty boot before it rusts! Pax tibi, advenus amic!" added the learned knight.

"Aye! Onwards, lads!" echoed the gruffer Sir Conchobar, “A victory such as that which we have just won deserves a rest and a feast: I demand to have both!”

Already making his way forth, Sir Feyman doesn’t even stop to reply.

…   …   …   …   …   …

England; the Dark Ages; Castle Anthrax; dinner time.

After another endless slog towards the castle in the pouring rain, with the wind whistling past their ears and a wolf howling in the distance, the knights struggle to the vast oaken door of the castle before them. From the stone above shine windows lit from within by roaring fires; across the walls floats the inviting smell of roasting boars. Keardwall pounds upon the door with his armoured fist.

"Hark! Open the door! Open the door! We are friends, Knights of the great King Arthur out upon a quest for the Holy Grail! We seek shelter from this bleak knight, and thou are blessed with an opportunity to provide it! In the name of King Arthur, open the door!"

He stands there, straight-backed and resolute despite the rain seeping into his precious jars. The great door creaks open, and the tired and one legged Keardwall falls unresolutely onto the stone floor before his companions can hold him upright. Looking up, he sees the faces of three young women dressed all in white. They are eager to greet the knights.

“Hello! Hello! Welcome, gentle knights, to Castle Anthrax!”

“Castle Anthrax?” The learned Sir Beadocáf is first to reply, in a confused tone, “Not sure I’ve heard of that one before.”

The spokeslady seems disappointed.

“I know… It’s not a very good name, is it?” She brightens, and looks once again at the valiant knights before her. “Oh, but we are nice! And we will attend to your every need!”

“Do you have a feast?” asks Beadocáf, feeling quite un-rotund.

“A feast? Oh! But you are all clearly tired, and must first rest a while! What are your names, O brave knights?”

The four soaked and frozen knights introduce themselves, and the young lady leads them inside.

…   …   …   …   …   …

The young spokeslady leads the four knights up a narrow and winding staircase to a set of luxuriously decorated rooms, talking incessantly as she does so.

“Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score young blondes and brunettes, all between 18 and 19-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us!  Oh, ‘tis a lonely life.  Bathing... dressing... undressing... knitting exciting underwear... We are just not used to handsome knights! And for four to come along all at once! Gosh!”

Suddenly the four knights are separated; equally as suddenly they are set upon by scores of young ladies! Some brush their hair! Some suggestively eat fruit! Some claim to be doctors, and try to proceed with examinations!

The knights are in mortal peril!

Sir Feyman, being as friendly as possible, is the most at risk: he is surrounded by young women! He engages in polite conversation! He agrees to let one of the doctors inspect his wounds [1-1 friendliness penalty]! They suggest he is wounded beneath his armoured skirt!

Chivalry decreased! Not quite resisting temptation! -1!

In the adjacent room, Sir Keardwall hears the screams of his companions, and rises immediately from the chair upon which he has been thrust down. He realises what is afoot [6]! He pushes his way past the mob of adoring nubile young women to the door. He escapes! He rushes to the next room to burst open the door of Sir Beadocáf’s chambers: he is sprawled helpless on a large and soft looking bed! He is attempting to fend off a dozen eager young ladies! He no longer looks sure of himself! [3= -1 penalty to next attempt at resistance!]

“Beadocáf! On your feet brave knight!” bellows Keardwall, “Ye cannot fall for yon women! We are on a Holy Quest of God! We must flee!”

“But they say I am very learned! They like my Latin phrases! Oh Keardwall, do please let us stay! Just for a while!”

…   …   …   …   …   …

In the room next door, the unbelievably hideous Sir Conchobar the Gruesome is left well alone, unaware of the terrible fate awaiting his brave companions. He dozes off on the lovely bed [2+2 gruesomeness bonus].


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Sinpwn

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn 31: Castle Anthrax
« Reply #239 on: November 08, 2011, 11:54:33 am »

Sir Conchobar dreams about delicious, delicious bacon. These dreams cause loud rumblings in his mighty stomach, which stir him in his sleep!
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