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Author Topic: Roll to Seek the Grail!  (Read 50760 times)

Sinpwn

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Thirteen: The French Retreat!
« Reply #120 on: October 20, 2011, 11:54:50 am »

Attempt to find some fat or butter to loosen the chamberpot. Remove said chamberpot and store for safe keeping.
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Ultimuh

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Thirteen: The French Retreat!
« Reply #121 on: October 20, 2011, 11:56:49 am »

Attempt to find some fat or butter to loosen the chamberpot. Remove said chamberpot and store for safe keeping.

If you do that then we cannot call you The Pothead..  :-\
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Yoink

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Thirteen: The French Retreat!
« Reply #122 on: October 20, 2011, 04:01:56 pm »

(Ye Olde Wall of Texte! Mainly because I couldn't decide what to do this turn, and slept on it, ending up having some fairly cool ideas. :P )

"Come along, Gertad," bellowed Sir Keardwall, "They run like rats leaving a ship! Bring my banner!"
Sir Keardwall, gritting his teeth but hiding the pain of his severed spleen and no-doubt heavy bleeding, shall head up through the castle, accompanied by Gertad with his banner. The bold Knight, clutching his jar-o'-spleen before him, shall cut down any frenchman, fleeing or otherwise, that gets in his path, and upon reaching the castle's battlements he shall have Gertad raise his banner upon the walls.

Once that is done, he shall put down his spleen for a moment, raise both his sword and his free arm in the air, and shout to whoever may be listening for miles around, "I, Sir Keardwall the Exteriorly Spleened, Stony Defeater of Bandits, claim this castle and surrounding lands for England, in the Blessed name of King Arthur, defeater of the Saxons! The occupants have damned themselves before God by their destruction of a Holy Artifact, and thusly we have smote them down in the Lord's name! Long live King Arthur!"

That said, he will take his spleen and re-join his fellow knights, (excepting Feyman, obviously) sharing a few comradely jokes about the pathetic French and how his spleen could defeat them, (holding up the jar, naturally) before commnencing to looting the castle for any signs of a good sword, preferably an English sword that these dirty foreign dogs have stolen from someplace, to use instead of their own poorly-forged cast iron blades.

Edit:Oh, and Once his banner hangs upon the castle walls, Keardwall shall send Gertad back towards England to inform their King of the conquests made in his name. With a solemn, victorious frown as he speaks.
"Let the King know that the province of..." Keardwall glances about his companions, then shrugs, "Whatever-this-is, now belongs to England. Tell him how the filthy barbarians smashed the grail, and... Wait, where is Sir Feyman? Did he fall, in battle?"
He looks around from beneath stony brows, the got to his feet. He'll keep an eye out for Sir Feyman as he ransacks the castle.
He will keep one of his banners with him, just in case he conquers any more castles in his travels.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2011, 04:15:33 pm by Yoink »
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lawastooshort

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #123 on: October 21, 2011, 03:58:18 am »

Fourteenth turn!
England; the Dark Ages; Castle Lombard; half past the hour of the ram.

Attempt to find some fat or butter to loosen the chamberpot. Remove said chamberpot and store for safe keeping.

As the battle winds down in the castle, and as the sun sets gently in the evening sky, the Knights of the Round Table congregate in the castle courtyard to compare their tallies and count their losses. The conversation is polite, but of mixed quality: Sir Meynard appears much distracted, and Sir Conchobar the Gruesome is having trouble living up to his fearsome name, as his hideous features are mercifully hidden inside a Frenchman’s chamber pot.

As Sir Keardwall heads away to attend to some private matter, Sir Conchobar seeks to rectify his sorry state, and blindly searches about the castle for some fat or suchlike to loosen the pot and aid in its removal. He happens to stumble directly into the nearby kitchen [5], where he finds some butter! He smears the butter about his face, hands reaching inside the wretched and foul smelling bowl, before yanking it forcefully off with the aid of Fiddles, his man-weapon [6+1 butter bonus]. It flies away into the air!

"Come along, Gertad," bellowed Sir Keardwall, "They run like rats leaving a ship! Bring my banner!"
Sir Keardwall, gritting his teeth but hiding the pain of his severed spleen and no-doubt heavy bleeding, shall head up through the castle, accompanied by Gertad with his banner. The bold Knight, clutching his jar-o'-spleen before him, shall cut down any frenchman, fleeing or otherwise, that gets in his path, and upon reaching the castle's battlements he shall have Gertad raise his banner upon the walls.

Once that is done, he shall put down his spleen for a moment, raise both his sword and his free arm in the air, and shout to whoever may be listening for miles around.

That said, he will take his spleen and re-join his fellow knights, (excepting Feyman, obviously) sharing a few comradely jokes about the pathetic French and how his spleen could defeat them, (holding up the jar, naturally) before commencing to looting the castle for any signs of a good sword, preferably an English sword that these dirty foreign dogs have stolen from someplace, to use instead of their own poorly-forged cast iron blades.


Once his banner hangs upon the castle walls, Keardwall shall send Gertad back towards England to inform their King of the conquests made in his name. With a solemn, victorious frown as he speaks.

He looks around from beneath stony brows, the got to his feet. He'll keep an eye out for Sir Feyman as he ransacks the castle.

He will keep one of his banners with him, just in case he conquers any more castles in his travels.

Sir Keardwall’s private matter takes him up some stairs and on to the castle walls with his faithful retainer Gertad, who hauls on his back a fair quantity of noble heraldic bannery. He meets no resistance, and he commands Gertad to raise his family crest above the conquered castle! He puts down his spleen and raises his shattered sword and free arm and doth proclaim to all who can hear for miles around,

"I, Sir Keardwall the Exteriorly Spleened, Stony Defeater of Bandits, claim this castle and surrounding lands for England, in the Blessed name of King Arthur, Defeater of the Saxons! The occupants have damned themselves before God by their destruction of a Holy Artefact, and thusly we have smote them down in the Lord's name! Long live King Arthur!"

Item Acquired! Castle Lombard!

As Gertad leaves, Sir Keardwall believes the best course of action would be to find a solid sword that may serve better than the one he broke in the heat of battle: he commences to looting! But alas! The first thing he finds is a final French soldier!

“’Ello!” he says, in his outrageous accent, “You claimeth this castle for King Arthur, you wretched mole-wart? Ah shall not be ‘aving that! Ah am Sir Dupont, valiant deputy of Seigneur Lombard, ‘older of this lovely castle! En garde!”

With but his jarred spleen held forth to protect him, Sir Keardwall bravely stands firm. Sir Dupont draws his sword and advances! A flying chamber pot passes by! His head is smashed! Dupont is struck down!

Sir Keardwall kneels and prays in thanks for his victory in single combat, and continues to loot his castle. He finds a sword that seems to be of adequate and possibly English quality [3], and makes his way down to the courtyard to find his companions.

Keardwall orders Gertad to return to King Arthur, some three day’s march away, to proclaim that Castle Lombard and the province of… er… the um… the surrounding English countryside now belong to England! It is a great victory!

"Let the King know that the province of..." Keardwall glances about his companions, then shrugs, "Whatever-this-is, now belongs to England. Tell him how the filthy barbarians smashed the grail, and... Wait, where is Sir Feyman? Did he fall, in battle? Sir Conchobar! I note with great joy and considerable sadness that your head hath been returned to its natural state! Sir Meynard! Wherefore goeth thou?"

Retainer Temporarily Lost! Gertad sent away!

Wound Acquired Severed spleen! Heavy bleeding!
 
Gasp!

Wrangle myself from my knocked out state. "Blasted rats, causing me to trip," I would say, if I were to awaken. Then smash those ratty rat mothers of rathood!

In the dingy half light of the dank cellar wherein he fell, and is being gently gnawed by rats, Sir Feyman awakes with a start. Someone appears to be chewing his toe! Ah! He remembers! The blasted rats! He kicks the wall to crush the toe-defiling rat to smithereens and then sets to stomping on the remaining rodents with his cow-shod feet [6]. Sir Feyman smashes so hard the floor begins to tremble! The walls commence to shake and crumble; the ceiling starts to tumble!

One-armed but four-legged, Sir Feyman manages to jump out of the way of the falling cellar before it smites him down, and he makes his way back up the stairs in the near-dark. He bumps into Sir Meynard!

“Aha! Sir Meynard!” he says, “Forsooth, but it is not worth the trouble descending further, there is but rubble and rat corpses in yonder cellar: I have vanquished it entirely. Let us make our way to the light of day, and reflect upon our continuing holy quest!”

With the frenchies dealt with, Meynard Hops in search of that cow, he would be willing to bet that it thought he had forgotten

“You call me Sir Meynard? Thou knowest me? A cow that speaks? What is this devilry? Out, into the light of day that I may smite you! No! Stand fast! For I shall rip thee into tiny bits right here!”

Sir Meynard hops to the cow-man and wrestles it to the ground! He rips off its left forearm! There is nought but air inside! He pulls off its udders!

Of a sudden the man-cow pushes back Sir Meynard, and has the chance to speak.

“Meynard! It is I! Sir Feyman!”



Wound Still Acquired! Broken leg!

« Last Edit: October 21, 2011, 08:22:09 am by lawastooshort »
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wolfchild

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #124 on: October 21, 2011, 04:10:54 am »

Give the abomination half a second to explain, and then hammer it into oblivion if the explanation is not good enough
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freeformschooler

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #125 on: October 21, 2011, 04:19:05 am »

Sir Feyman entrusted Meynard with such knowledge as: "Rest most assuredly - before I became such a sorry looking fellow, I had set out on a quest to find the Grail! And I thought I had it... but it was a fake! The Frenchmen threw a fake Grail over the walls! I am sure you lot thought it was real, but the real Grail is much more holy, and yet to be found. So I have been in the cellar, searching for both it and some advice on finding it. The cow suit and rats are a longer story, though!"

Then Sir Feyman headed up to see if the rest of the knights were dead yet.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2011, 04:24:00 am by freeformschooler »
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wolfchild

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #126 on: October 21, 2011, 04:28:00 am »

"You squashed my falcon handler"
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lawastooshort

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #127 on: October 21, 2011, 04:57:25 am »

As an attempt at mediation, perhaps we could remember this loss and Sir Feyman's part in it thus:

Sir Feyman the Judging, Slayer of the Black Knight and Squasher of Maddy the Falcon Handler

?

Otherwise the only solution is a duel. Which at least the waitlist will enjoy.

In the red corner!
Sir Feyman the Cowman, Natural Abomination and Slayer of the Black Knight!
In the blue corner!
Sir Meynard the Hopping, Hammerer of Sure Death!
« Last Edit: October 21, 2011, 04:59:29 am by lawastooshort »
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wolfchild

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #128 on: October 21, 2011, 05:17:57 am »

Meynard will accept feynman taking on the title, but reserves the right to seek restitution later

Meynard will hop out of the castle, and announce anyone who will listen about feynman's disgrace
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Sinpwn

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #129 on: October 21, 2011, 05:50:30 am »

Sir Conchobar ignores the drama over squashed retainers and does a once over of the castle to see if there is anything interesting.
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Yoink

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fourteen: Victory!
« Reply #130 on: October 21, 2011, 07:06:32 am »

Sir Keardwall paces about his newly-acquired castle in the quiet following the battle, murmuring thoughtfully to his jarred spleen with a thoughtful expression on his craggy features, "Castle Lombard... Dreadful name. Needs something better... More English. Something to do with swords? Hrm. Swordpoint... No, Bladewind Castle? Nay... Maybe... No, blast it. Castle Lomard shall have to suffice for now."
He will take a look around the castle for anything of worth or interest, including but not limited to:
  • Alchohol
  • Weaponry
  • Armour
  • Potential Hostages
  • Alchohol
  • A surgeon capable of reattaching a spleen
  • Any possible Holy artefacts
  • Currency!!
  • Alchohol

On the subject of his companions' disagreement, he will heartily encourage a trial-by-combat, but will also suggest they try to keep themselves in decent-enough questing condition, seeing as apparently the Holy Grail is still out there needing to be found.
Also, later once he's satisfied he's seen/looted all the castle has to offer, he shall frown them into action and get a move on.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2011, 07:09:43 am by Yoink »
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lawastooshort

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fifteen: Onward!
« Reply #131 on: October 21, 2011, 08:19:41 am »

Fifteenth turn!
England; the Dark Ages; Castle Lombard; the hour of the stoat.

Sir Keardwall paces about his newly-acquired castle in the quiet following the battle, murmuring thoughtfully to his jarred spleen with a thoughtful expression on his craggy features, "Castle Lombard... Dreadful name. Needs something better... More English. Something to do with swords? Hrm. Swordpoint... No, Bladewind Castle? Nay... Maybe... No, blast it. Castle Lombard shall have to suffice for now."
He will take a look around the castle for anything of worth or interest, including but not limited to:
  • Alcohol
  • Weaponry
  • Armour
  • Potential Hostages
  • Alcohol
  • A surgeon capable of reattaching a spleen
  • Any possible Holy artifacts
  • Currency!!
  • Alcohol

On the subject of his companions' disagreement, he will heartily encourage a trial-by-combat, but will also suggest they try to keep themselves in decent-enough questing condition, seeing as apparently the Holy Grail is still out there needing to be found.
Also, later once he's satisfied he's seen/looted all the castle has to offer, he shall frown them into action and get a move on.

Sir Keardwall the Exteriorly Spleened, Stony Defeater of Bandits, Lord of Castle Lombard, paces about his keep, hoping some inspiration will strike him and name his new abode. It doesn’t. Yet! Being a man of great mental fortitude, he wallows not in despair or despondency, but decides to perform a brief inventory of the wealth of his castle. Therein he finds arms and armour of a quality no better than his own, fit for a dozen men; as well as a crumbled cellar whose door is marked “Vin”; and a non-crumbled cellar filled to the brim with barrels marked “Le Ale”; finally, he finds a pot of gold! He is quite pleased about his discoveries, and decides to inventory the castle’s occupants.

They all seem to have left the fallen castle, disappointingly, save for the surgeon who has stayed on to treat the wounded in the courtyard, who Keardwall now approaches.

“‘Tis the very same surgeon who recently diagnosed my lopped off arm!” cries the nearby Sir Feyman. “He is a splendid fellow, and excellent at his trade. I can heartily recommend him, for he recognised my condition in a flash! I am sure he will be able to tell you that you have a gaping wound in your chest and an organ in a jar!” Sir Feyman dashes off to continue his discussion with Sir Meynard, leaving Sir Keardwall to brave the surgeon on his own.

“Surgeon!” he starts, “I have been separated from my spleen; do you have a cure?”

Thus starts a long and winding conversation, which ends after some time with Sir Keardwall persuaded that his spleen will serve him best pickled in a jar of eggs, and with his heavy bleeding halted, and a foul smelling mixture of ash and horse dung being smeared about his chest. The surgeon then wraps a bandage around his manly torso and suggests he take a minute to sit down.

Title Acquired! Lord of Castle Lombard!

Retainer Temporarily Lost! Gertad sent away!

Sir Conchobar ignores the drama over squashed retainers and does a once over of the castle to see if there is anything interesting.

Just as Sir Keardwall recovers enough from his surgery to regain his senses and walk about, hoping to find some kind of Holy Artifact, he comes across Sir Conchobar, who wields before him an outsized and mighty weapon. He enquires as to what it could possibly be, and Sir Conchobar doth respond:

“Behold! For it is the Holy Crossbow of Beersheba, Renowned Slayer of the Green Dragon!”

Item Acquired! The Holy Crossbow of Beersheba, Renowned Slayer of the Green Dragon

Sir Conchobar kneels in thanks; both knights kneel in praise: the Lord has truly blessed them.

Give the abomination half a second to explain, and then hammer it into oblivion if the explanation is not good enough

In the courtyard Sir Meynard has followed Sir Feyman-cow above ground and about the castle, and is debating with him the merits of hammering him into oblivion. The man-cow is strongly opposed to the motion; but Sir Meynard is a persistent man.

Sir Feyman entrusted Meynard with such knowledge as: "Rest most assuredly - before I became such a sorry looking fellow, I had set out on a quest to find the Grail! And I thought I had it... but it was a fake! The Frenchmen threw a fake Grail over the walls! I am sure you lot thought it was real, but the real Grail is much more holy, and yet to be found. So I have been in the cellar, searching for both it and some advice on finding it. The cow suit and rats are a longer story, though!"

“But you squashed my falcon handler!” charges Sir Meynard, to which Sir Feyman can but apologise. Eventually, after much toing and froing, an agreement of sorts is reached, and Sir Meynard leaves the castle, proclaiming before its mighty gates:

“Hark, all! Sir Feyman has disgraced the knightly code of chivalry! He has trespassed against the good will of his fellow, and soiled my very heart! Until true restitution is found, he shall be knowne thusly by all: Sir Feyman the Judging, Slayer of the Black Knight and Squasher of Maddy the Falcon Handler! Let none say that I am not a fair man! I say this with sorrow in my heart, but forgiveness in my minde. We must go on! We voyage bravely on the God-granted quest for the Grail, which was not, it seems, here after all. Blast.”

Chivalry Increased! A forgiving nature!

Title Acquired! Sir Feyman the Judging, Slayer of the Black Knight and Squasher of Maddy the Falcon Handler!

Wound Still Acquired! Broken leg!

As Sir Meynard proclaims his disgrace to the field outside, Sir Feyman stands one-armed in the courtyard and bows his head in apologetic shame. His meditation on the impermanent nature of one’s honour is, however, soon disturbed: the talkative Sir Keardwall purposefully approaches.

“Come, brothers! Let's not bicker and argue about 'oo squashed 'oo! Unless of course you wish to resolve the issue by combat! Otherwise let us be on our way! We have a Grail to seek! Now, where should we go? We could travel to the nearby village for rumours or advice, or we could travel through yon dark forest to see what lieth beyond?

« Last Edit: October 21, 2011, 08:23:17 am by lawastooshort »
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freeformschooler

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fifteen: Onward!
« Reply #132 on: October 21, 2011, 08:28:28 am »

The village could at least give us rumors, whereas a forest would probably be rummaging around in the dark! However, Sir Feyman the Black Squasher of Falcons bows to Sir Keardwall's choice, realizing that Keardwall's combat prowess and keen intuition has led them this far.
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Sinpwn

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fifteen: Onward!
« Reply #133 on: October 21, 2011, 08:38:22 am »

"The occupants of yonder village probably know what lies beyond yonder forest. Two birds with one stone and such."
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Zako

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Re: Roll to Seek the Grail! Turn Fifteen: Onward!
« Reply #134 on: October 21, 2011, 08:54:32 am »

I like how the guy with the broken leg just ignores the doctor standing there in the courtyard.
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