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[zehive]

I guess I'm having a bit of a hard time understanding what exactly is wrong with me. I know something is wrong, something is really, really wrong. Deep down inside of me. Something has been critically and horribly wrong for years on end. It's sloth-producing and it fills me with anxiety and dread for every day and everything I do. I feel like an overworked engine, only I don't really do all that much compared to the average person and I put off more then I do. Like, something in the conflict of my mind and my heart, the thoughts and the drive, and its all mucked up inbetween. The monkey-wrench to my emotional/spiritual engine. That probably makes no sense.

I mean, I've been kind of thinking about it. The relationship between my mind and emotions, what makes me so nervous and anxious and full of dread to do much of anything. It's not because I'm lazy, because I love going out and being active. But I kind of get the feeling that I understand what it would feel like to be a little electric motor that suddenly had 6000 volts forced into it constantly. Except I don't burst into flames or start to smoke, I fade like a burnt out star. I have this constant dread filling me, this fear and anxiety. Sometimes for no reason, or just thinking about little things. I think to myself, 'Alright, tomorrow I have to do X and X', and in the same stroke it fills me with a ridiculous amount of anxiety. I don't understand why. It's quite literally ruining my life. I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, I've tried self-help. I'm really getting desperate, and I still don't know what the problem is at all.

Anyway, I now feel kind of sad for having gone to posting on a forum about this, but I figure I might as well extend an arm to the DF community, which is by far the best community I've ever seen ad-hoc on the internet.

[Knight of Fools]

I normally get those kinds of feelings when I feel locked into something that I can't escape, such as school or a job.  Sometimes the best thing to deal with anxiety about and dreading what you have to do is to simply realize that you don't have to do it.  You have a choice in the matter - Not only can you choose what you do, you can choose how you feel about it. 

That doesn't mean that you should run around doing whatever you want, though.  Just acknowledging that you have control over your life is the important bit.  You also have to realize that doing or not doing certain things will have consequences.  Make whatever choices you have with an understanding of what consequences will occur - And consequences aren't necessarily bad things.

Also, try thinking more about things you enjoy.  I find a little escapism is healthy when you can't control an uncomfortable environment.


Other than that, you may be going through emotional growing pains.  Try to find some drive, some passion that keeps you going.  It's not quite so much about finding yourself as it is creating yourself, so work towards something that will make you what you want to be.

[Caz]

I find what really helps is abandoning yourself to your decisions... what I mean is, all the anxiety seems to come from making the decision in the first place but once it's done the anxiety just fades off. I don't know if I'm explaining this right but it seems like most anxiety comes from being trapped in a situation you're uncomfortable with or making some decision you didn't like anyway. So be careful with your decisions, be prepared to sacrifice anything for them, etc. They're all we really have in this world that lasts an eyeblink. o-o

[Syreniac]

On a serious note, if you have any mental problem that interferes in your ability to function as a normal person, that is medically significant and you should get professional help.

On a trying-to-help note, there are a few things that a worth thinking about specifically to try and help you get the most out of any professional help you get. None of this advice is going to be great or even particularly unique, but I'll suggest some things that I think might help.

1. Do you get enough sleep on a regular basis? In some people's cases, getting enough sleep can make problems seem a lot more manageable, and if you are in a particular life style where you don't get enough, perhaps changing it may help.

2. Try to want to make yourself better. It's a stupid thing to say, but if you do have any sort of mental issue, half the battle is wanting to cure yourself; if you are not totally wanting to change who you are, you will never manage it.

3. Learn to accept your anxiety. I felt similar to you for a fair while in my life, until I realised that there is no reason not to feel anxious and that by trying not to, I just made myself worse. Just knowing that I could feel anxious, but that it didn't have to define me or my actions made me feel a lot better about life in general.

4. Keep a diary. Just writing down how you feel at a particular moment can make you feel better, and it can also give you perspective; most people actually achieve more than they think they do.

5. Set yourself achievable targets. If you have issues motivating yourself, set yourself targets that you can get to relatively quickly; e.g. Only plan to read one chapter of a book at a time. Once you've finished, you can always set yourself a new target, but remember to keep it something achievable. Often I used to start some random project already dreaming of what it would be like when I finished, only to feel pretty bad about myself when I burnt out.

Again, if you have an issue that you feel is causing you problems with your day-to-day life, you need to talk to a qualified professional; the internet is not a substitute. I can only offer pointers from my own experience of dealing with my own and other people's issues, and what works for them may not work for you.

[nenjin]

Age check? Just curious because I felt this pretty much from highschool up until today. College was pretty brutal because of this and I suspect it's why I haven't gotten on with my life since graduating. Ironically, the sensation has never left even as my responsibilities drastically decreased. In fact, it may have only gotten worse.

I think Caz has some good advice. You desire control over the outcomes of everything you do in life and the anxiety you feel is the knowledge that ultimately you have very little control, and you're probably going to be put in a situation you don't like. Even perhaps down to how others see and interact with you.

You have to let go of needing control over all the outcomes you can't be responsible for, and just commit to your decision and whatever outcomes the world gives you. Now, I can't speak for all outcomes...but I can say the anxiety is far worse than actual results a lot of the time. And the burden that is lifted off you is liberating because you're suddenly going with the flow instead of trying to stand against it.

But it's a mental exercise you have to do every time you make decisions. And most importantly, MAKE DECISIONS. Don't use your anxiety as a reason to avoid making decisions or taking action. That's when you really begin shutting down.

Don't worry. You're not alone out there in this.

"I'm not alone. I'm not afraid. I'm not unhappy. Such a stupid ritual to have to say to myself every day." -VnV Nation

Even Depeche Mode knows what it's about.