Newt Pumpkinson awoke groggily on his bed. He heard a familiar high-pitched whine in his ear - a legacy of an ear cold earned when the ship was leaking air. He heard a familiar murmuring in his stomach after a supper-less evening. He also heard an unfamiliar excited buzzing somewhere beyond a half-closed door. At first he took it to be alarmed buzzing and turned to the other side. If it was an attack the crew could do without him. In fact he would prefer to die sleeping. Then he realised that the buzzing wasn't alarmed. He turned on his back and sat up. After a bit of thought he decided that if anything exciting was happening on this ship he would like to participate, so he reached out to a button on the wall and pressed it, summoning his servant.
The stained plastic door of his cabin opened a bit further and the shaggy head of Balaba the servant peeked in. He kept his countenance as impassive as usual but Newt noticed a certain glint in his eyes.
"M'lord, you called me?" Balaba said.
"Yes," Newt replied impatiently. "What is this noise?"
"I'm not sure, m'lord, but I gather it's something to do with transmissions."
"Argh, you're no use as usual," Newt said. "Help me dress."
In concerted effort they put on his shabby and moth-eaten black uniform. Newt sauntered into the corridor. In the light of dim lamps blinking on the ceiling the door of the bridge threw a bright silhouette on the floor. Buzzing defined itself into excited voices. Before entering, Newt listened.
"The fact that we must consider most gravely, gentlemen, is that it could be worth millions of starbucks," spoke first mate Plonkin in a deep voice.
"As gravely we must think about the possibility of it being a trap," third mate Clapkin said softly.
"I say we have nothing to lose anyway," chief engineer Donbon said gruffly.
Newt cleared his throat and raised his foot to enter when a fourth voice spoke. It was unfamiliar and female with electronic overtones.
"Mayday mayday mayday," it said slowly. "This is C.N.S. Princess in sector A-B-delta-S-16-R-omikron-500. We have been hijacked by an unidentified class Turkey vessel. 51 members of the personnel are held captive. System security is compromised. Requesting assistance. Warning: the hijackers are armed and dangerous."
Newt stood on one foot for a moment, then cleared his throat once more and stepped onto the bridge.
Deck crew was in full assembly, lounging around the room and staring at the communications board.
"Morning, gentlemen," Newt said.
"Em," first mate Plonkin said. "There is a situation on board. We were just going to call you."
"I trust you were," Newt said.
"We received a distress call fifteen minutes ago from the tau Ceti star system which we're drifting by," engineer Donbon said. "The call repeats every three minutes, with slight variations which indicates that it must be non-automatic, that is, someone says it. The last call was received just now. Do you want to hear a recording?"
"No, I heard it," Newt said. "What do we know about this ship, Princess?"
"It is not a ship," Donbon said.
"Then what is it?" Newt asked.
"It's a computer network satellite," third mate Clapkin replied thoughtfully.